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Walt expressed it right...."easier said then done". My head knows what this reality is. My heart only hurts. My soul searches for something. It's a battle every moment and there's no victory at the end of each day. But I will try again tomorrow. Always Gene! Always!

It feels everday getting closer to Chrismas is like a big clock ticking away in my head. Oh, Gene loved this holiday season so much. He loved shopping for his children and grandchildren...and finding that something special and unexpected for me. We had planned a get-a-way this year. It would have been our first. I guess we fooled ourselves into thinking that the couple of months he improved would last but it didn't. All it took was "Jingle Bells" to send me into a tailspin this weekend. I live in an area filled with Katrina Evacuees so there is a need. And I've seen it as an opportunity to give like I've never given....time, money, food, gifts. I cleaned out my house of all sorts of things I've been hanging on knowing it would bring something to someone else. I actually cut a pick up truck load of oranges off my Father's trees and brought them back and gave it away to those who needed it and to people who have helped me through the past 5 months. The point is I know that to give is not to expect anything in return. I thought it would bring some little moment of joy but it hasn't. It's all "going through the motions". I know Gene was smiling as I gave away some of his things so that children could pick a gift out to give to their parents for this Christmas. I know it was the right thing to do but I felt nothing doing it. Gene was a pack rat...lots of stuff was still boxed and wrapped as if just bought yesterday. This Sat I volunteered to cook for Santa's breakfast at church. Maybe seeing the children will stir something in this empty heart of mine. I know Gene's part of the biggest Chior this year. I wish I could just feel something, anything besides this pain. I'm so tired of just crying. I don't fit anywhere. I don't belong here...I need to be with Gene but I can't be. How long before I can feel anything again? Grieving is hard work. I get so tired of forcing myself to be part of this world. I pray that someone, anyone here finds a little peace and joy as we get past this holiday. I'm just seaching through the season for a moment of peace that I can't seem to reach. I am thankful for the support and sharing here from everyone. Maybe tomorrow I can help someone here. I love you Gene! I miss you soooooooo much! Always Gene! Always!

Dusky, as I read your poem I can feel your broken heart pouring out. You could scream at the top of the tallest mountain your beloved Jack's name and never will the world know him as you do. This morning with my first step outside all I did was look up at the last star shinning before sunup and yell Gene's name over and over. I need to hear his name but few around me here ever had the chance to know this wonderful man. As Walt said...it hurts like HELL! Every waking moment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your precious feelings for Jack. I hope we all find the courage to get through this season. This emptiness is like a bottomless black hole. Always Gene! Always!

I woke up this morning deciding to "live" again after four dark days of despair. And another holiday comes our way. Marty's response to this question made so much sense. I never really thought the grief would ever go away but somehow become something easier to live with. Grief is a shadow now for the rest of my life I did not want. And just as a shadow changes from long to short and then disappears at dark, it's how I expect grief will be as long as the sun comes up and goes down. I have to remember that when the sun shines Gene is with me and when the stars shine Gene is with me. The love we share is the fiber of my being! All of us "left behind" bare the grief but we also carry the LOVE only we know. It'll never go away but perhaps one day it will be easier to carry. Richard, I am so sorry for your loss. I know they are empty words but I do know your pain....we all know your pain. All of us are going through this journey together. I do not believe God takes a soul to punish anyone. And in HIS time we will know our purpose. We would not grieve so much if the Love we share was nothing but powerful and wonderous. It is not easy trying to survive as half but somehow we do. You will find support here at this site as you journey. You will find that everything you feel everyone understands and is ok. The people here suffering have saved my sanity.....we will be here always. I lost a child 37 yrs ago. I lost my mother March,2005. I lost my beloved, Gene, June,2005. Sometimes the pain seems too much to bare. Someone here always listens. One day at a time but not alone. Always Gene! Always!

Thank you WaltC. I'll be leaving tomorrow to spend this holiday with my Father. My heart is not in this but I can share this holiday with my Father. All I can think about is I'll be cooking in my Mother's kitchen for my Dad and she and Gene won't be there. At 82 yrs old I don't know how many more holidays I will have my Father so I have to do this for him. He'll hide his tears and I'll hide mine as we get through this week together. I'll bring roses for Gene and he'll bring lillies for Mother and we'll remember together. There will be two empty chairs at the table and two aching hearts. And together my Father and I will get past the day.....one day at a time. Always Gene! Always!

KayC, your courage honors George and the love you two share. I admire your strength. Always Gene! Always!

A star..Jeannie's star! A place that you know every night you and Jeannie gaze upon at the same moment. It's the place that your love shines for each other.....where Jeannie whispers quietly to your heart. God used a star a long time ago to announce his gift of love. For special moments each clear night you and Jeannie share your very wonderful meeting spot. Jeannie deserves nothing less than a special star just for her. And when time reunites you and Jeannie that star will still be shinning tho brighter because the circle of your love will be absolutely complete forever. You and Jeannie are FOREVER! There will be a time when we are happy again. For most of us "left behind" it will not be as long as there is breathe left here on earth. I too look at the night skies. It's not a star but a silly little cluster of stars that I always thought was the little dipper and countless times Gene pointed out that it was not. It's "my little dipper" and I know Gene meets me there. It brings me peace to talk to him there...I know he's watching too, he hears me, he knows I love him. I don't know why or how any of us survive this unending pain each moment. I know our love goes on forever....the pain will not. I know that what my soul searches for twinkles in the sky. Walt...I wish you clear nights and peaceful moments....love under the twinkling stars that bond you and Jeannie. Always Gene! Always!

We've missed you also Spela.

Have also missed you KayC. Don't give up........we all need each other. And I think about you and how you are doing all the time. You're a good friend. Wishes for peaceful moments. Always Gene! Always!

Walt, I don't know if I can find the words to express how touched I was at your post. How you could reach out through your own pain and through your Jeannie to extend comfort on this day. The post and the gesture is greatly appreciated. It is beautiful. A reminder. Your kindness has brought ease to this day. I only hope I can be as supportive to you and to all who find themselves at this site. I truly feel I receive a lot more than I could ever give. I truly understand the love and soul you and Jeannie share. Thank you Walt. Thank you Jeannie. Always Gene! Always!

The phone will ring from kids. A neighbor will show up. And all I want is to be left alone. A first birthday without Gene..without his yellow roses. A reminder that his last day during periods when he wasn't lucid he picked yellow flowers for me all day long. A reminder that the last gift I gave Gene was the yellow rose I placed with him when I kissed him and let him go. A boquet of yellow silk roses sits at his grave. If I could have a wish it would be to dream tonight so deeply of Gene that I could nearly feel his touch....hear his voice....see his smile...see the gleam in his eyes.....just one more time. There is no happy. Just another day I don't want to be. I love you too Gene! Always Gene! Always!

No one understands as all of you. Three nights of no sleep and three restless days. Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a little forward for all of us. I miss you my darling! I love you Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Thank you Dusky. I am sorry for your loss. I have not been a good responder for several weeks but have read your posts. You honor Jack so tenderly, so honestly. I am still at the beginning of this "evolution" I do not want. I pray for all of us the strength to take on one more day, carrying with us all this love. I know that when I feel I've taken one step forward that somewhere ahead of me are the "steps backwards". When I think about how many people are here on this Earth, we all were truely blessed to have found our soul mates, our one true love. The pain would not be so great if the love was not so true. And just as we can feel the wind but not see it so is the love that goes beyond the veil Feel my love Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Lately I've not been much support to anyone and I am sorry. I guess I've spent this month searching for something and only finding myself in the same spot. I truley appreciate everyone here at this stie. Without everyone here I do not know how I could face each day. Someone actually told me "It will not get better"...."It will get easier". And I guess I finally realize that is true. It is going to be a long journey of grief but I guess I will have to find a way to make it a jorney of discovery also. I travel this road with all of you. I am so blessed to have shared 28 years with Gene....to have a love so great so unconditional. We've all been blessed....so many wonderful people "left behind". But it's not over for any of us. The LOVE did not leave. It travels with us all. Thank you, all of you Always Gene! Always!

I can't hide the tears. I can't hide the pain. Friday will be 5 months. I can't believe you're not here with me still. My head knows but my broken heart aches for you so much that at times I think you're just taking a nap.....just for a moment. I thought I caught a glimpse of you smiling at me in your special way with that twinkle in those beautiful green eyes. I had to go through some papers this week and found a copy of your Living Will...the one you asked me to turn over to the hospital the morning after you coded. Right now I don't even know how I came home and found the paper and returned to the hospital with it. Until then I thought we still had a chance to beat this one more time like we did last year. You fought for so long to stay. I run through my mind all the things you had to fight: CHF, liver damage, kidney damage, pancreatitis, gall baldder, bone spurs on both shoulders, phnemonia, hienial hernia, and those restless legs that would not give you a moments peace. We fought hard together and beat all of it last year. You were just too tired to fight any more. And I know you suffered until you closed your eyes for the last time....you tried to stay with me. I love you. Thank you for every precious moment of majic for 28 years. It's not over.....you and I are never over. Always is forever my love. If I can not be with you now surely God lets my love wrap around you. Feel my love darling! Always Gene! Always!

WaltC, You have to know how dear a friend you are to all of us here. Through you I have gotten to know the wonderful person Jeannie is, the wonderful person you are. I realized yesterday that really the friends Gene and I share are drifting away. Having a conversation is harder each time I hear from someone. Their lives are moving on...continuing. I merely exist because I'm still here. Thank you WaltC for your support...for giving me the gift of knowing Jeannie. I hope the pain we all share eases. Thank you for letting me share my Gene. Always Gene! Always!

WaltC.......I understand the poem. It speaks what my heart feels everyday. One day closer to Jean and Gene for you and me. Always Gene! Always!

Gene I miss you so much! I love you my darling! The need to see and touch my children gave me the strength to take this long two weeks of traveling to get to them. I needed to cry with them, to listen to each talk about the important memories they have with their Dad. I needed to look at our grandchildren to see the parts of Gene they carry with them....little looks, little actions, little sneezes. But nothing fills the empty places. Nothing ever will. The light of my life isn't here with me and as a song says there's nothing left but "love in the dark". I finally dreamed last night. I watched as Gene told me he knew he couldn't stay...I saw the sadness on his face. I watched myself let him go again. But as hard a dream it was I could nearly feel myself touch him again. I'll breathe again today and count another day gone to be one day nearer to Gene again. And in two days I'll gather up my courage to make the long drive home. Home where I feel my love the most. Always Gene! Always!

debr88, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You will find plenty of support here. This journey we share is the most pain I have ever had. I lost my Gene, the light of my life, on June 11 this year. I'm not really sure when I came out from the "fog" of insanity. And there are lots of days I'm not sure of much of anything. I still have problems functioning, making decisions, just wanting to breathe. I have learned that it's ok no matter what you feel. I've learned that this grief journey is different for each of us and it's ok. I've learned it's up and down from moment to moment. debr88, be kind to yourself, gentle with yourself. Do what you need to do at your own time. Don't let anyone tell you when you should be ready to do anything. I nearly made a big mistake..selling my home...before I realized I could not do it. I was running from the pain. All that matters now is what you need to do and if that's nothing that's fine. You'll find here at this site we all know what you are feeling and we are here to listen and share. I look at each day the same....one day closer to being with Gene again. Always Gene! Always!

There's a special angel looking after you today. Your heart beats with love for two of you. I wish you strength. I wish you a better tomorrow. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I feel your pain. Only a whisper away from George. Always Gene! Always!

How beautiful a song WaltC. Through my tears I wish you peace each day, one day at a time. I guess our wings are broken but we can walk through each day. Always Gene! Always!

Oh, KayC...it's like a whisper from George...saying I Love You. Love is something we feel but can't touch. Just like our loves we can feel but can not touch right now. George knows...he always knew. I wake each morning seeing Gene's smile then a moment later another day without him begins. It's just so hard for all of us. But no one here is alone and I always think of you, WaltC, Spela...all struggling through each new day. So many firsts ahead of us all. I wish I had something to say that could make the coming "first" better for you. I look at our wedding photo and think " The beginning of a wonderful miracle" I was blessed..we all were blessed. Now we wait on the next miracle....it's not over! KayC, you've been such a wonderful friend and I thank you. One day closer Gene! Always Gene! Always!

Tears, pictures, memories, and the love in my heart....that's all that left. Why are some days so cruel? It's like a sick joke. Days that are a little peaceful followed by the DARK days...the days I just don't feel like breathing. I attended a monthly church "generic" birthday party yesterday. Forced myself to get out only to feel like turning around and running once I got there. Here are 25 widows. All quite a bit further along in age than I am. I watched them smile and laugh enjoying their time together and all I could do is wonder how...how have they survived for years without their husbands..how have they been able to reach a place of peace where they can smile and laugh. All I could think is I hope I don't have that many years ahead to be apart from Gene. I watch the world from inside where the pain is...and I don't really want any part of it now. My world is gone. So sorry everyone...it's a day of silent screams. I know we all are hurting. A friend of mine who introduced Gene and I years ago and also lost her husband 14 years ago was honest with me yesterday. I told her I don't know what happy is anymore and she said I'll never be happy but I would learn to enjoy things around me again. And she reminded me Gene and I have children and grandchildren. Maybe I'm left behind to make sure these little grandchildren know how wonderful a man Gene was..how much he loved them. I miss you Gene! Always! Always Gene!

Sharrrina, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband had to leave in June of this year. This grief journey is hard. I've gone through emotions that I never knew existed and new ones still come up. It all changes from moment to moment. People at this site have saved my sanity. Your words make sense. I've felt it...I still feel it. You be as tender to yourself as your loved one would have been for you. It is all so fresh and I know how the first days were, the first week, the first month...and it goes on and on. Cry, vent, scream, write...someone here is always listening and we all understand. Always Gene! Always!

Happy Birthday KayC, We all care. We all know your heartache as we walk through ours. George was there with you ...still is. I never knew a human heart could hold so much love and now I know it can hold a lot of pain. Steps forward with George by your side....his footprints next to yours. Only a breathe away. Always Gene! Always!