kayc

Walt, I say a hearty Amen to everything Patti just wrote, I feel the same way. We need to hear from you in ALL, the ups and the downs. The ups encourage us and the downs lets us know we're not alone, that we all go through it. We all need you.

Walt, My thoughts are with you this day as you remember the birthday of your special little wife. May you have happy memories to fill your heart. KayC

Patti, As far as cleaning out their things goes, why do you feel you need to if you don't want to? There is no timetable. I had to clean out our trailer shortly after George died, it's the one he stayed in during the workweek (he had a long commute)and everything in it was HIS, and it was SO HARD! I think the neighbors clear down the street could hear my anguished cries... The only reason I felt compelled to do so, so soon, is I needed to sell his car and a guy at work handled that for me and I wanted to give him the trailer for his family so they could use it in the summertime...but it really was too soon. As far as his clothes goes, there was a need that arose so I cleaned out his side of the closet to meet that need, but I felt he would have wanted that...and of course, I hung on to those "favorite" things, and I probably always will. I sent one of his sweaters to each of kids. But really, I think you will know when it is time...IF it is time, and that is a very individual thing. We all handle it differently and I don't think there is a wrong way. I heard of people getting rid of everything right away and I don't think that's healthy, but it's certainly their perrogative. I just think they might regret it later on. I still have George's bathrobe hanging up on our closet door, it gives me comfort to wear it sometimes, almost like getting a hug. It broke my heart the day I couldn't smell him on his things any more, but I still remember his smell, so there or not, it's in my mind. We have a two drawer chest in our room that is full of momentos and pictures, we each had our own drawer, and I can't bring myself to go through his...it's way too tough. And yet some people choose to pour over those things every day. I really think it's very individual what we can handle and how we choose to. We're always going to miss them. I don't think it'll ever get "easy". Hang in there!

Nine months ago I found this site, shortly after my husband's death. How much I needed the people that were on this site, and need them still! You have seen me through all of it...from the initial shock, the memorial service, the friends who dropped off the face of the earth, the trying to get through all of the paperwork...the first time I had to change our sheets after he died, discovering something I'd bought to fix him for dinner and now never would get to...learning to sleep alone, go to church alone, drive to get groceries alone, spend weekends alone...living without his phone calls on his work break, all of the thousands of adjustments to "life without". And you have been through all of it with me. My first birthday alone, our anniversary alone, Thanksgiving alone, Christmas alone, etc., etc. Signing Christmas cards alone. I am still having a hard time saying my/I instead of our/we. Long after everyone moved on, you all were still here with me, and I with you. Sometimes it grows quiet on this site and I hear your silence as you work through things. I feel your tears. I have met new ones of you. We have prayed and cried and tried to be brave. We ARE brave. We are survivors! No one asked us whether we wanted to be or not, but we just go on day after day dealing with all of the hard stuff, and it IS hard. What would I have done without each of you? You have let me know I am not alone, I am not crazy, my feelings are normal for my circumstances, and that I will survive even this, as horrible as it has been. I will not escape unscathed, we don't, it changes us, changes our lives, our world. My life is forever changed. I will not "get over" my George...but rather we learn to live with what we must, as hateful as it is. And when it gets really hard, I am thankful that it is me that is enduring it, and not George, for I love him so much, I'd much rather take the pain than have him suffer it. I always hoped it'd be him that went first because I love him more than myself. I love that man, and I always will. And we all feel the same way about our loved ones because if we didn't, we wouldn't be here. You guys are my heroes...

Walt, I don't think this is an inappropriate question...anything that concerns you is a legitimate question to ask. I have studied the Bible all of my life, and while I don't consider myslef a Bible scholar on any account, there are some things I have noticed. 1) The Bible passage must be taken in context. Who was speaking? (Jesus) Who was He addressing? (Andrew, Philip, some Greeks) What was happening at the time? (He was predicting His own death and was about to be killed). 2) Jesus often spoke in parables...He used illustrations to convey things. Sometimes people understood plainly what He was talking about, sometimes they didn't. He liked likening something to something else. So then you have to look at it and try to ascertain what He was likening it to, who he was really talking to (Just those there at the time? Us?) 3) What is the comparison He is making here? 4) What is the pertinance to today? So we take a look at the verse... My opinion: He was speaking to a group of people...He was about to be killed and was possibly relaying the significance of that to them. There are some things we are supposed to love more than our life...if we love our life (or ourselves) more than anything, we will end up losing it (eternally)...but when our priorities are in order, then we will be saved (eternally)...this is a pretty loose innterpretation and doesn't factor in all of the rest of theology that comes into play. But I don't think He's talking about people who enjoy life here...or don't enjoy it. I don't see anywhere where we are faulted for enjoying our lives. You also have to consider all of the other verses in the Bible to get a whole picture. One of which is..."it rains on the just and the unjust"...in other words, life just happens to us, the good and the bad, all of it...it doesn't fall necessarily fairly, it just happens. I really wouldn't worry about it, Walt. God is not going to stick you with living forever in this state just because you aren't happy and you miss your wife. He's not like that. He is caring. If He wasn't caring He wouldn't tell us to comfort those who need comforted and weep with those who weep. He is empathetic. You can be assured that you will join your little Jeannie and whether she lived or died or you live or die has nothing to do with either of your happiness with this life. Life just happens...death just happens. Rest easy.

I am glad you find joy in seeing others be able to enjoy her things. My George was always thinking of others, he'd give the shirt off his back to someone in need, literally. When he passed away I gave all of his clothing, shoes, wallet and sundries to a transitional halfway house for young men getting out of prison and trying to reenter society...they had nothing but the clothes on their backs so they were very grateful. It sometimes feels a little weird seeing someone else wearing his things, but I knew it was what he would have wanted and I'm very glad I did that. He had a lot of very nice clothes and I knew he wouldn't want them to go to waste. To the brother who asked for his coin collection "to remember him by" (which was stolen during his memorial service) I offered the hospital bills if he wanted something to remember him by...of course, I never heard from him again. I don't know if you experienced anything like this or not, but there were some who were literally grabbing for his things and I grabbed back...but to those in need, I freely shared, it's how he would have wanted it.

I am so sorry you lost your wife. It is a painful and lonely walk but having this forum helps a great deal because we aren't alone. What emotions you share, we have shared, what you go through, we have too. It's going to be hard, but try to find some activity, some person/s you can be around, a pet, something that helps you feel some sense of purpose, not so alone. They are right, things will change, friends will disappear, but so will some new ones appear on the horizon too. Try and look for something good in each day, no matter how small...it's a lot about focus. And vent, this is a safe place to let out your feelings. We care.

When I get where I'm going is one of my favorites...it gives me comfort and hope to hear it...

Walt, You have meant so much to so many of us here on this forum, I couldn't imagine it without you. We have all come to love and appreciate you. And Marty...I can't believe you went through all of those posts and compiled that, how very sweet! Sometimes we forget that someone actually reads what we write...it's a lesson to us how much impact we can have on each other. Hang in there, Walt!

Walt, It's hard to believe it's been a year for you...you have survived much and the very worst, the shock, the adjustments, that's behind you...now you just have to hang in there and survive some more...until it's your time to join her. You can make it! You may have times you don't want to or see the point, but your family and friends want you still and you have purpose here or you'd have been able to join her already. Part of that purpose has been fulfilled in your postings on this site, as you have been a friend and an encouragement to us all. But your time WILL come to be reunited with your little Jeannie! I like how you call her your little Jeannie...my George always called me his Little One. How precious is that love!

Walt, Thank heavens, no one can take our memories away from us. We may have lost contact with our loved one temporarily, but our love and our memories are forever. What we had, still is, and always will be.

Who knows but God whether these things be coincidence or a message? We find great encouragement at any rate and perhaps they are a sign meant to encourage and comfort us. You really must consider writing, your writing is quite remarkable! It is inspiring to all of us, we have a budding author in our midst!

When I first got the news that my husband had had a heart attack, it was nine months ago Friday and I was away at my sister's reunion in Lincoln City Oregon at the coast. This weekend I went with the ladies in my church on a retreat and as luck would have it, we were about two blocks from where I stayed that other eventful weekend. It brought back a flood of memories, so hard, so painful...I remembered so vividly receiving the news, making the phone calls, just wanting to be with him at the hospital and having to wait to be able to see him. It was the last time I got to see him alive. It felt like a major hurdle to go back there.

There is no doubt in my mind that George and I either one would have gladly taken the bullet for each other and without a moment's hesitation. That is truly defining as to the degree of love for one another. It makes me stop and think...

I don't think it's selfish to know what you need to do to look after yourself...that's called being in tune with yourself. You yourself know what you can and can't handle, listen to yourself and go accordingly. I know what you mean when you say that's how come it's so hard...you don't have him to talk over your day with or get his feedback that always used to put everything into persepective for you. Forgive yourself for being a ------ to your co-workers and move on...they surely understand, and if not, oh well! WE understand! Sometimes I don't even like myself when I catch myself being like that...and I do sometimes. But we've been through a lot, and we are yet going through a lot and we need to be extra kind and full of grace to ourselves.

Lately I have seen more and more of you coming on this site...with fresh losses...I wish we hadn't had to meet like this, it's like you've joined a sisterhood or brotherhood that you never asked to sign up for. But whether you wanted to or not, you have joined the ranks of a group of people that alone can understand what it means to lose your very best friend,your lover, the person you shared your life with...that person that meant more to you than anything in the world, more than your own life and breath. The pain is so acute and raw that nothing compares with it. You have found your whole world turned upsidedown overnight. For some of you, you went into it in increments as an illness and suffering turned into loss...for others the tragedy struck like a lightening bolt piercing your very soul. But however it struck, it changed your world and now you are left feeling alone, wondering why you have to be here at all, why you have to go through this, why you couldn't just join your loved one. And you wonder if you can make it when you feel the wind has been knocked out of you and you can't breathe. You don't want to make another decision, face another choice, another day, another lonely night. We too have been through this...we too still go through it. Some say it gets better, I don't know, I only know we put one foot in front of another and go on. We grasp for any little tidbit of joy, any glimpse of anything good...a rainbow, a puppie's kiss, a leftover seed of popcorn that brings back memories...and we hang on to whatever tiny bit of bliss we can find. We try to focus on the good, on the positive, on the hope that we have of seeing our loved one again, on the memories of the love and laughter shared in the past...the love that still reigns supreme in our hearts and souls. We haven't stopped loving them, we haven't stopped missing them, they are never forgotten...even when our conscious minds have to focus on things at the office or something demanding our attention, there is still that undercurrent going on in our soul that carries them with us, always. What we do is...we have to learn to live with it. That's all. We have no choice. It's ours now, this life of imposed solitude, this life of aloneness, this life of pain. But we still have our focus...so we focus on remembering how fortunate we were to have that person in our life, how fortunate we were to have ever had them at all...so in essence, we are fortunate that we are missing them now because if had never had them in our lives at all, that would be even worse than this pain that we carry. This pain is a reminder of all that was created between us, the love, the memories, the special bonds we had. So I try to use my pain to remind me of the blessings I've had. Maybe to you that seems hollow...yes I suppose it does when it's so fresh that it's hard to focus, that you feel nothing but pain and anger...but you will learn to live and carry it and we will be here to help you. We share this for the rest of our lives, this sisterhood, this brotherhood, we are in this together.

Patti, Yes, those thoughts have hit me too, yet I know that George knows me and knows my heart, better than anyone ever has, and he'd be the first to understand ALL that I go through. He always said I was too hard on myself. He'd look at me with such kind eyes, so when those thoughts arise, I remember those kind eyes of understanding and compassion and I know that he knows that I love him more than anything in the world and has nothing but compassion and love for me.

We are here to help you and listen to you and you can share all you feel and are going through with us. It really helps to get it out. It has been nine months since I lost my husband and the pain is still so intense, I think everyoone's journey or timetable is different, for me it got better then worse. I have learned a lot since I began this journey... I have learned to live with the pain. I have learned to look for joy in whatever small way it might appear. I have learned a lot about grief. I have learned that the love goes on even when the person is out of our reach. I have learned that people amaze you in both good and bad ways...old friends may disappear but new ones appear. I have learned that life continues whether you want it to or not. I have learned to never minimize what someone is going through but to validate their experiences and feelings. I have learned to focus and try to rebuild, even when it seems hopeless and what you are building in no way compares to what you lost. I have learned that the rest of the world goes on even while yours does not. And after all is said and done, I have learned that pain is the one constant I can count on...for it is in direct correlation to the love that we shared and the amazing wonder of our relationship.

Dusky, You really should consider writing a book...perhaps sharing just what you do on this site...the feelings and experiences of a love shared and your journey through grief. You are a very apt and expressive writer. My husband was also a beautiful writer, in fact, that's how he got me. I wrote a letter to the editor and he responded to me...uncannily, we felt each other's hearts, we felt as if we knew and understood each other...we began writing...and so our journey began. Writing is a way of sharing one's soul...and touching the soul of another. As beautiful as your writing is and as much as we glean from your wisdom and heart, just as beautiful it is to witness the love that the two of you shared...I feel I am entering something precious and special every time you write about your Jack. You are blessed with a gift that is resplendent of your love.

Thank you, each of you, who have written on this subject. It is touchy only because it is very emotional to each of us, regardless of what our loss is. However, when my brother-in-law told me he knew how I felt because he'd lost his parakeet a year ago...and then went on to say it'd been gone for two days (he didn't even lose it!)...I had a real hard time with that one. Now I know he was just trying to relate and he hasn't been through the loss of a spouse and can't possibly realize what he's saying, but... With me, loss of a mother could never come close to the loss of my husband...my mother is nuts and she was extremely abusive when I was growing up, so I'm not sure how I'll feel when I lose her. So I can't begin to know what someone suffers who had a great mother that they were very close to. Yet I've also met people who lost a spouse that was nothing but a pain the whole time they were alive and they can't begin to understand what I'm going through because my husband and I loved each other with the greatest love known to man! So whatever your loss is, it's hard to deal with. However, I think I know what you meant, because the loss of your spouse is not only a huge loss but it encompasses every aspect of your life, while other losses may not affect some of those areas...for instance, your identity, your sexualilty, your marital status, your finances, your security, your reliance (they undoubtedly did half the work around your place, including some things you may feel ill-equipped to take over). They may be the person in your life that shared the child-rearing with you and best knew and understood you as a parent. They are the person you shared holidays with. You signed Christmas cards with that person, shared a checking account, assets, property. You slept with that person, night after night. You said good morning to that person when you awoke and kissed goodnight when you went to sleep. I don't know any other role in life so encompassing as this! It is not meant to compare, only to accept that the loss is tremendous and all encompassing.

I am late replying, I haven't been able to be on line lately, too much stuff going on, but I've felt the need and the lack. I know what you mean about the bedding...it is painful to deal with all of that stuff. I am STILL going through it after ten months! The trailer we bought together...everything, there's memories everywhere, and it seems like it's getting harder for me, not easier. I cry and the pain never leaves...

Spela, you never offended me, I liked that you gave me a fresh way to look at it...maybe the valentine cookies were best given to the dog anyway! I have been having a time with friends...I just told off a friend that I used to be really close to but she is judgmental of me now and yet she has no clue what I've been through and she has totally not been there for me since George died so I don't think she has the right to say anything. Anyway, all I told her was the hard truth and I guess she couldn't handle it. Oh well! It's funny how they can say anything they want but you can't. And all of George's and my friends...they're gone. Some of them have even moved and gotten their number changed and haven't even bothered to let me know! And his kids...they don't respond or return calls or emails. Yet God has blessed me with two new cats this year, and they occupy my time. They sleep with me and follow me around the house...

Deborah, I don't think we can understand...maybe that's why God doesn't try to tell us. I know that his ways are bigger than our ways. But I try to look at it in a positive light, like George is finally spared the suffering of this life. And I know that our here and now seems so big to us, because it's all we've known, but the Bible puts it into perspective when it says our lives here are like a vapor that passes away...it's eternity that is really our home and our loved ones have gotten to start it ahead of us, but we'll be there soon. It's the now for us that's hard.

I have been teaching a class on Prayer for the past few months, and a week ago, our subject matter was on "The Dark Night of the Soul". This is one of my favorite lessons that I have studied, and how timely it was that I had just refreshed myself so thoroughly with that material, for how little did I know I would need to equip myself with it. A few years ago I studied the subject of prayer very thoroughly, and I found the experience of it to be very deepening. I have said, time and again, the time to learn to swim is not when you are drowning. In other words, we must be equipped when things come our way and try us. We have all found this to be true as we have gone through our grief journeys. When I first lost George, I found it difficult, if not impossible, to pray. I felt nothing. I felt abandoned, hurting, and anger towards God for allowing this to happen, when I knew full well He could have stopped it or allowed a different outcome. Yet underneath all of that anger and pain, was a deep underlying girding of faith, as I knew the truth, deep down inside, that God is God and that even when we face what we don't understand or like, He does know what He is doing...even when He doesn't choose to share His reasons with us. We can and have speculated, and yet still, we don't always know what He is up to or why. I have learned to accept, to trust Him, and to keep my faith in Him. This is not always a simple matter...we still have our human emotions to contend with, and contend we do! We still hurt, there are still things we don't like, things that if given the chance, we'd change...even though we know there may be a good reason for them. Because we are human. My grief has, if anything, deepened lately. As time goes by, I miss George all the more. All the more I realize how special he was, not only to me, but how very special he was just by his very existence. I love him deeply and I realize that with or without him here by my side, that love that we have will always continue. Our wedding rings had an eternity symbol on them, and that eternity symbol stood for the eternity of our love. It began in friendship, and that friendship will always be there. He will be the one waiting with open arms when at last I arrive in heaven. Our hug will continue where it left off, and nothing has died. Only our ability to communicate with each other in the right here and now. And yet, I feel his presence in my heart. Friday night I learned that my dream job that I love so much, will be ending. I don't know the exact day, for my boss hasn't told me that yet, but his wife let it slip and I know it's coming, soon. Now that George is gone I am my sole support, and the bills kept coming whether he was there or not. My money is gone...gone to pay hospital and doctor bills and taxes. Gone for furnace repairs. Just gone. My daughter found out at the same time that her dream job was also going to end, very soon. Right now is another "Dark Night of the Soul" for me, for I cannot see how things will work out, how it will all go. We all like to know our course, to know things will be okay, we like to plan, we like stability, we like our comfort zone. But sometimes that vision is removed from us and all we have left is our faith...and if we continue to walk in the path we know we should go, it is during those very times that our faith is built, that we grow. Because ultimately, our faith is not so much in ourselves, or in our circumstances, as in the God that we know we can trust...the same God that has been there all of our lives. I look at those faith stretching times as His gift to us, for it is in those times that He deepens us, and what greater gift could He gives us than our faith? It broadens our persepective, we glean wisdom from it, our character deepens, and we have something to offer to others when they need it. I find His peace, even in darkness. I find comfort in reading Job and Psalms, for Job and David both did their share of crying out and lamenting over their circumstance, and yet both of them were men of God, and ultimately, their faith was in Him...and He was with them. It helps to know that you are not alone, that others have faced the same things. That you will survive, you will get through it. I hope I have not offended anyone by sharing my faith, that's not my intent. I know we are all going through so much, there is a lot of pain that visits this site. My heart is with you, each of you.

Spela, I didn't mean to sound as if you ARE depressed...I'm not qualified to say, it would take a doctor or counselor to assess that, only that it's a possibility you might want looked in to. How did it go with the dog class? Did it feel good being out with people that enjoy the same thing as you? I hope so, I think this is part of the healing, that we find something we enjoy in life "after", however small it might be. We don't compare it to our "before" life, nothing compares to that, but we try to find something positive wherever we can. I have really noticed that all of the people George and I were close to before are gone now or have pulled away completely. That surprised me. I guess it's common though. Maybe they think death is contagious? Or maybe they were his friends, or maybe they just wanted us as a couple? Who knows...