kayc

I think all of us on this site feel this way. My husband was everything to me too, but we only knew each other 6 1/2 years and were married 3 years and 8 months. We were so much in love with each other, we were best friends...our wedding rings have eternity symbols on them and are inscribed with "Soul mates, through all time". We did everything together, he called me every lunch break. We had a marriage most people only dream of. And I lost him...he just turned 51 years old 6/14 and on 6/19, Father's Day, he had a heart attack and died. I never got to say good bye, we never got to talk about it. I am trying very hard to do all of the right things, I eat right, walk every day, drink lots of water, talk to people, write out my feelings...but ultimately I end up crying myself to sleep because I miss him so bad. I keep really busy and I put off bedtime so I don't have to deal with it, but it's still there. My faith in God is all that saves me...that and finding comfort in our home, we always loved it here, and it's here that I most sense his presence. I recently lamented to a friend that I couldn't do 40 more years without George, and he said, "don't do 40 years without him, do one day at a time without George!" That helped me...I am trying really hard not to thinkof tomorrow or how I'll get through our anniversary next month or Christmas or Valentine's Day or the whole month of June. I'm just trying to get through "now". This site has helped me a lot, I feel like Ustwo, WaltC, and Spela and I have been through this journey together, and I know there've been a lot of others even though they may not have posted. Thank you, all you guys, for being there, you've been a lifesaver to me. KayC

Everyone's grief journey is unique and there isn't a set time-table as to where we should be on it. It is very understandable that you feel no sense of purpose, you lost your main purpose in life. That is how I feel a lot of the time too, and I'm sure the others do too. Sometimes it helps to get involved with something that might have meaning to you, helping others somehow...at first it won't seem purposeful, but eventually it should. It's not the same as having your loved one...nothing is ever the same after that loss, but rather we try to pick up the pieces and go on...at first, maybe not so much for ourselves as for our kids, but eventually (we hope) we get healthier feeling. I am sorry for your loss. You had a very long time together and that means a huge, huge adjustment. God be with you...keep posting, we're listening and care.

I am so sorry for your loss. We have all had people say inappropriate things to us...they may mean well but they haven't been there...you learn to get real assertive with them. Honor your sweetheart however you feel led to, whether it's changing your name or something else. We're here to listen.

Spela, I thought about what you wrote all day...it seems to me all we have is pain and memories. Today I had to go into the bathroom at work and cry. Usually I can at least hold it together at work. What I want to know is, when do I stop feeling suicidal? I did so well this weekend and then today... I'm supposed to be starting up a support group, how do I do that when I'm such a mess? I see the need for one and I want to help people, but here I am with my emotions all up and down. I don't even know me anymore. I used to be so balanced, so together. I wish I could give you an encouraging thought, Spela. There are good things in life, sunsets, nature, our animals, our family and friends...but somehow nothing seems significant without that one that we love. I don't know how to hold on through the pain.

Spela,

Evelyn, I read this too late to wish you well as you pack and leave on your trip, but my prayers are with you. How wonderful that you have been volunteering...there is much healing in extending love to others, especially in the midst of our pain. Walt, I am too late in reaching you before the service, but I hope it went well, the poem you shared was beautiful and meaningful. How wonderful that they had this service! The worst thing that can happen to those of us left behind is for our loved ones to seem forgotten by others...it helps me so much to hear others remember and love George...whether it's remembering his wonderful kindnesses or reminiscing about his terrific humor and spirit. It does not make me sad to hear others talking about him, as some might fear, but rather, it makes me feel good to hear him remembered.

Sometimes a person remarries to fill the void that is left...sometimes it helps, sometimes it's a mistake. From what I have been told by those who have done that is, one person does NOT replace another. The grieving continues for the person that is gone, even if one remarries. It does not mean that they did not love the person they lost, but rather it is a different way of trying to cope than the way that we have...we choose to honor our loved one's memory...they choose to try and move beyond it. Sometimes it helps them...sometimes it is a huge mistake. What is important is realizing what the right way is for us...and not compounding our loss and grief with a mistake. It is an error for us to try to compare our grief with someone else's...each of our losses is great to the one suffering it and each loss deserves the recognition it deserves. We should never diminish another person's loss, but care and encourage one another in this very hard process we are sojourning through. Each of us requires great courage and perseverance just to make it through yet another day. The pain does not end no matter what we do or how we try to cope. It's ours, we might as well own it. God be with each person that visits this site...for you wouldn't be reading these words if you weren't hurting.

Oh Walt, I can relate. My husband spent his entire life in prison. He grew up in the worst home imaginable and entered prison as a young person. It took him a few years, but through God's hand in his life and his own interspection, he accepted responsibility for himself and began a long period of learning, growth and change. I respected him for that, for I've known a great deal of "respectable" people out here that are not willing for change. I met him through a letter to the editor that I had written and we became fast friends. Our communication was good and our relationship was as if it was made in heaven. We were soul mates. When at last he was able to get out and we married, I had someone that needed to relearn everything...it was a huge cultural change for him. So in a way, I felt like his caretaker...not physically so much as in other ways. I had to mentor him. But we were extremely close and loved and enjoyed each other's company so much. It didn't matter if we were doing laundry, cleaning house, cooking, or getting groceries...it was just as enjoyable as camping or a walk or a drive. But he had diabetes, and as we have since learned (too late) a severe heart condition...and he not only could not keep up with me, but every little task was draining, he had a hard time walking. He looked the epitome of perfect health, he was in good shape physically, except his heart just could not pump enough to keep him alive. How he managed to work as a welder at a very high paced, demanding job, commuting so far through horrible traffic each and every weekday, I do not know, except I know that he pushed himself because he wanted to provide medical insurance for me because of all of my prescriptions. He was selfless and loving and he would have died for me...in a way, he did. So some people thought I too would feel some relief at his death because I had endured the stigma of marrying a former inmate and I had helped him deal with his baggage and adjustments. But while I am glad that all of his physical and internal sufferings and struggles are over, I am in no way "relieved"...we loved each other immensely, we each would have gone through anything for the other, we understood each other's hearts, always, and always had faith in each other. We had an amazingly blessed relationship, and I loved every special quality about him, from how special our interaction was, to his devotion, his loyalty, his caring for people, he had the biggest heart of anyone I had ever met...undoubtedly due to all he had been through in life. I loved his humor, and his easy ways about him...he was so pleasant to live with, I found that refreshing! He was accepting and he was so wonderful with my kids, who had just grown up. He got to live with my son for a year before he went into the service but I am so glad they had that time together, it enriched both of their lives. No, this is not a relief, there is nothing "relieving" about it...it hurts, it feels raw and fresh no matter how much time passes. You can replace a spouse, but never a soul mate, and that is the difference that you and I have found. I am glad you got to spend your life with Jeannie...it took me a lifetime of waiting to find my George, but whatever time we got, we made the most of it and we will be together again. It is a shock to me that it ended so soon, I'd really hoped we'd get more years together, perhaps even a year or two of retirement before facing this, but that didn't happen. But life is not fair or equal. It wasn't fair that your Jeannie had to suffer so much in her lifetime. What a wonderful person she sounds like! But then, so are you, and I'm glad that you had each other. We all get handed or choose different paths in our lives, but it's so important that we make the most of them...some might start out rough like my George's did, but the important thing is to learn from it and then make the best choices that you can, and to enrich the lives of others. He did, he is my example...he counted himself lucky to have me, but I counted myself every bit as lucky to have had him. He taught me what it is to love unconditionally as a human...everyone always said only God could do that, but I experienced it with George...rare, and beautiful. He taught me grace, for he extended it more beautifully than anyone I've ever met. He taught me selflessness, for he was always thinking of everyone else...I think if I tried the rest of my life I could not equal him in that capacity, it was just a part of him, not something he did so much as who he was. Go on loving Jeannie and remembering her...we have in our losses and pain, something more than most people ever have, and to a depth they'll never know. God bless you.

I want to hear from you the things people have said to you that have really gotten to you...here's mine: "You're young, you'll get married again" "Well it's not like you were married a long time" "Well it's not like he took care of you, you took care of him" "You're going to have a hard time replacing him" "You can't love him more than Jesus!" "There's no guarantee you'll ever see him again, let alone touch him" "There's no marriage in heaven" "You need to change your relationship with him" "You need to move on" "You need closure" "You need to sell your home" "You need to go away someplace" "I'll come get rid of all of his things" "I want his...(hat, CD's, car, coin collection, etc.)"..."to remember him by" "Let me know if you need anything" (you do, nothing materializes) "You just need to turn to God" "Well we know why he died, don't we!" "You have a pattern of jumping from one relationship to another" (I was told that was intended as sympathy) "You ought to try personals/singles/etc." "I know how you feel...I lost my parrot a year ago, and it didn't come back for three days" "I know how you feel, when I lost my dog, I stayed home and cried for three days" "It must be God's will"

Tonight I went to a wedding...the first one I've gone to since I lost George. It was a couple just a little younger than us, and they look incredibly happy. I hope their life together lasts a whole lot longer than three years and eight months. The husband looked at his bride so much like George looked at me when we got married, he only had eyes for her, full of adoration and happiness. I am happy for them...I just wish I knew how to survive... When she threw the bouquet, someone called me to come help catch it..."all single ladies"...when are they going to get it? I don't feel single, I didn't ask for single, I don't want to catch someone's bouquet, I want to hold my own bouquet with my husband beside me again...I still have our wedding picture on our computer's wallpaper. I still have some "Just Married" address labels. I still have his clothes in our bedroom. Next month is our anniversary. I'm ordering a portrait of him for a present for myself...I contacted the studio today. Maybe I'm crazy, this place is a shrine to him, but that's my business, if that's how I want it, if that's what makes me feel comfortable...I want and need friends, but I already have a husband. He's the handsome man on my wall...the one that I talk to every night. He's the one waiting for me on the other side...the one that is going to welcome me with open arms...someday.

I guess all of this questioning is a part of our grief, but when all is said and done, I want to come through with my faith still strong and I want something to show for it...some deeper character, some form of ministry, something deeper, stronger...somehow. This roller coaster of emotions is very draining...it takes a lot out of me. My daughter noticed me wearing a pair of errings that are not symetrical...each one is different even though they are a set...I told her they are my midlife crisis errings...unbalanced, because that is kind of how I feel right now, even though I am definitely past midlife. This is not unlike it though, a time of questioning, searching for meaning and purpose. My husband also said things to me that make me stop and think about them, such as, he never thought he'd make it to retirement...he didn't, he had 14 years to go. That is so sad to me...all the money I had him putting in to his retirement account...I wish to God now that I had just let him buy another tank of gas and more fishing lures with it! I feel real sad that we scrimped and saved for a future that we'd never have...it doesn't mean much to me to have that retirement some day...without him. It has lost its meaning...it seems like everything has. I try so hard and everyone thinks I'm doing great, but I don't feel like it, not when I am alone and have any time to think. I pray that God will take over and love us even when we are empty and drained, and His grace will carry us until He can do something in us that surpasses this emptiness and pain...and that's a tall order. Your missing your little dog is a lot how I am feeling about my Tigger...it is hard to understand, didn't we have enough loss? But how can I question what there may not be an answer for? I pray God will somehow bring balm to our souls, God knows we need it.

Wow, I really should be more careful with what I say, I would hate to give anyone the idea that it is possible that God is punishing any of us or hates us...I know better. I know His character, I know Him very well, He isn't like that...it was just my feelings coming out...and as any of us knows, feelings are unreliable, they were created for a purpose, but that purpose was never meant to be a gauge of anything. Lately,well since George's death, my feelings have been unstable...up and down, I am normally pretty even-keeled, but nothing feels very even-keeled in my life anymore. I lost my cat, the one George and I raised from a little kitten together, he meant so much to me, and it felt like I lost a little more of George. I don't understand anything, I don't understand the "whys"...but then I also know better than to ask them. God is infinitely bigger than our minds can possibly grasp, His perspective so much more far-reaching...if He told us His reasons for allowing anything, it probably would be beyond our comprehension...and maybe we couldn't handle the answers. I do know that He acts in our best interest, even when we cannot see it. It does no good to tell someone that when their whole world is turned upsidedown and they're hurting, because it comes off sounding like another one of those well-meaning platitudes...yet I know it deep inside of myself, for I have spent my life with Him, and I know Him, and my faith is strong. And then too, sometimes things just happen, maybe there isn't any particular reason, it just happens. Some people believe everything is fate, but I don't, because we are free agents, our wills make a difference in our lives, so do our actions, and we have consequences that are sometimes positive, sometimes negative. Some people have willed themselves to live beyond what is normal for their circumstances. Some people have prayed and seen results to their requests...but all of our prayers are answered...just sometimes yes, sometimes no, sometimes wait...sometimes, "you don't know what you're asking for." I was praying when my George passed away...yet I don't feel God didn't hear me...I just think He had His reasons, and I feel George and I were perhaps spared something even worse...or perhaps he was granted a reprieve, even though it may have come at my expense/loss. Still, would I deprive him of that so that I could have him back because I want him so much? My heart cries out for him in utter agony, I miss him so much it is hard to bear, and yet, my answer is no, for I would have to do what was ultimately best for George, and not for myself...for we both loved each other with a selfless love that surpassed most human understanding. I am so sorry you lost your little dog, losses are tremendously hard, and it probably brings back all of the memories of the other losses you've suffered. There are some good books out..."Where is God When it Hurts?" and "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" that address some of these issues. I will pray for you to be comforted and for God to show you that He loves you, in a way that you can't miss it. It can't stay like this forever.

Yeah, well, whatever strides I thought I'd made, whatever progress, whatever acceptance...today showed me that I've really gotten no where, for I am as down as I ever was...I feel despondent, lonely, like there's no purpose to anything. George was my purpose, my love, my ray of sunshine, and now he's gone. I wonder, does God hate me or something? Why would He take my husband? My husband! My heart cries out in agony! Labor Day was the biggest day in my family, the day we'd all go camping, and now everyone is scattered and George is gone, and I'm alone. I don't see any point in anything. I go on for my kids, but they have their own lives so I don't even see a lot of point in that. When I'm not at work, what do I do? I have nothing to look forward to but more chores that I can't keep up with by myself, and some of which I feel ill equipped to handle. Lately I have been able to imagine George holding me and for just a brief moment, I feel comfort...but today even that was gone. I should have been outside painting, but I didn't see much point. Our friends don't even bother with me, I'm no longer part of a "couple", everything's changed. And the stinkin' government! They make you fill out forms and put down if you're married or single. On my withholdings, I couldn't check "single", I just couldn't. So I'll probably get hit with taxes at the end of the year, but I'll just have to deal with it then. I never asked to be single. I'm George's wife. I just can't get an answer when I talk to him any more...but I'm still his wife.

My counselor calls says this is commonly referred to as "moving on", but I take a real offense to that term so we instead refer to it as "acceptance". I will never "move on" as in "closure" and I'm real upset that so many counselors and books say that we need to. Let them lose the dearest person in the world to them and see how much moving on and closure they want! At any rate, as far as I am concerned, I am still married, I just can't get feedback from my husband right now. I'm not in denial, it's just that we had a special bond, a very special relationship that is irreplaceable and it is forever. some people can choose to do it differently and that's up to them, I only know that this is the way it is for us. I imagine the intense pain will continue to hit us in wafts, for the rest of our lives, but we are becoming accustomed to the changes in our lives and that is not only normal but desired. No one could stay in this intense of horror forever. It is not valuing our loved one any less, I think we all agree that that is not possible, we love them more than anything in the world, but it is just realizing like Walt said, that we have to accept the things we cannot change and change the things we can. God bless you in your day to day life. Please keep coming to this site and posting, your outpouring of your heart has kept me going these past 2 1/2 months. And who knows how many others have been helped as well. Thank you for everything.

Little by little, I am learning that this is my new life. Gone is the old one. Now in its place, I have memories...memories of a love and a life that were not a dream, but were real...yet they are starting to seem more like a dream, something I made up, something elusive. I remember our falling in love, the first time he kissed me, when he poured out of his heart, "Marry me, Little One"...when I first realized I didn't want anyone else to do the job of being his wife, I wanted to be the one. Memories of our wedding day, our vows, how happy we were. Memories of all of our moments here, memories of walks, picnics, talks, sitting up together when one of us was sick, memories of our picking out our vehicles, memories of becoming grandparents, memories of his buying a shirt to match my dress. Memories of anniversaries, valentine's days, memories of his being there for me when my son went in to the service. Memories of his reassurances when I worried about my daughter. Memories of his reuniting with his daughter. Memories of his baptism, memories of so many things. How did we cram so much in to such a short time? That time seems like a drop in the bucket compared to what we would have liked. And now, in place of living life, I have memories, I have kissing his forehead in his picture goodnight. I have looking at his picture instead of getting to look into his beautiful blue eyes. For just a moment I imagine his putting his arms around me and pulling me towards him...and for just a moment, I feel comfort. Maybe he's not here to hold me anymore...but then again, maybe he is. Who is to say? Have I left the land of reality and crossed into that gray area...does it matter? All that matters is that I find him, even if just for a moment...bringing me some degree of comfort. We all find it in our own way. I feel him smiling down at me, proud of me for the strength I've shown, he knows how hard it's been, he always knows what I go through and feel, and always, he loves me and he's proud. I miss him terribly, I don't want him suffering here any more, but I sure do miss him. I don't know how I'll do all our special days without him here like he was, but I can't think about that just yet...for now it's enough to get through today. Adjusting. Trying to accept what I did not ask for. People tell you the weirdest things, grand things like how we are to learn from all this, how we're to have purpose, like it's something noble, an honor, but for now, all I feel is, it's enough to get through this day. Yes we're learning, yes I suppose there's some purpose in our being left, but for now, it's enough for me to just try and adjust to this new life...kissing a cardboard picture instead of feeling his arms around me, smelling his skin, feeling him breathe against me...all of that is gone...and memories are what have to sustain me.

I don't think it's too soon, it was a beautiful message. But if you want another tear jerker, try this one: http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/if-tomorrow.php

Spela, I think most of us don't really want to be happy because we feel if we let go of any of our grief, it's like we're letting loose of them or diminishing how important they were to us. So we hang on to it to stay connected with them. At least, I know I feel that way, like I'd be betraying him somehow. And the second part to that is that we truly don't know how to be happy. I don't like the aloneness, the lack of purpose, the being overewhelmed, any of it. This encompasses every aspect of our lives! I think what's got me is I don't see a solution. Usually I can tackle problems and figure out a solution and then map out a plan with which to accomplish it. But in this case, I am stymied. So I don't like the situation I'm in and I don't see a solution. All I know to do is to try not to look at the big picture, it's too much, and to just tackle little steps at a time, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Time will take care of itself, I have to release "time" and quit worrying about my future. Which is new to me. I feel out of control of everything, which I don't like. So I take control of what I can, like what I eat or getting myself healthy physically. Or taking care of the house. But even that feels like too much for me. But you're making progress even just considering and pondering things...hang in there Spela. We can't see the future, we can just tackle today. And be thankful for your dreams, I don't have them and I wish I could. But when I imagine his arms around me, I feel his presence.

Spela, Thanks...I think normally I can ignore it but this is my sister and that makes it personal to me. I guess I'll keep distance for a while until I can handle it better, I know I am supersensitive right now. I could understand my cat leaving if it was within a week or two, but it's been two months, you'd have thought he'd have left sooner if he was going to. I'm worried that he's dead, but maybe he just left.

Last night I finally got a call back from one of my sisters; I don't hear from her much. She said something about me having really hit rock bottom, like I haven't been doing very well with this. I'm sure she meant well but how is that supposed to make me feel? This is the hardest thing a person can go through and compared to how I could be, I think I have done tremendously well...that's not to say it isn't hard and it doesn't hurt, but I don't see how she can make that assessment when she hasn't been around, hasn't listened to me pour my heart out, hasn't been here while I faced everything. She's always being the big sister but sometimes she really doesn't know better, and this is one of those instances. Does she think she'd do better if she lost her husband? Well I for one hope she never has to find out how hard it is, because it's not anything anyone should ever assess anyone else on. Everyone's grief is hard and it's real and it's not easy to handle. It's funny, but I don't think she could ever just be proud of me, no matter what. I always feel like she judges and reproves everything I say and do. But we only talk a couple of times a year so I guess I shouldn't let it bother me. But it's particularly hurtful now when I'm trying so hard. She even got on to me about something I said but she has no idea what I've been through . She has no idea what she's talking about. Sometimes I wish she'd just quit trying to know so much and listen. But she doesn't know how to listen. She butts in with her opinions and judgments. The last night I also got the news that a young man that grew up with my daughter had an accident and died. I need so much to hurry up and get this grief support group going, and I have so much to learn first! I feel totally inadequate, but I see the need and I can't ignore it. It's weird, I wondered what God would have me get in to next, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this. It's a good thing we can't see ahead. How can my sister think I could take this any differently than I have? She has no idea...I couldn't have known either. I never knew anything could hurt so much, rip so much out of you all at once. Night after night I cry. I try to make it through the day, somewhat professionally, but at night when I'm home alone, I miss him so bad I feel my heart is breaking, and I know that the pain will never leave. Of course my sister thinks it will down the road, but she's wrong. She doesn't know what she's talking about. You have to learn to live with the pain, but it's always there, at least it is when you have someone that you lose that meant this much to you. That's what everyone who has been through it has told me. The intensity lmay lessen someday, but always, it's there, even when a person remarries. I have so much to deal with yet. I still have our cards and letters to go through, but I may not be ready for a long, long time. I want to put our pictures into an album, but I'm not ready for that yet either. I'm still dealing with changing beneficiaries and retirement accounts, title transfers, and mortgage applications! And when all that is done I want to have a will drawn up. And there is still all that painting waiting for me to find time to get to it. My mom didn't have to work full time when she went through all of this and she still had a child at home with her, so she doesn't understand the time constraints I am under, nor how alone it feels. And of course as long as she has God she's happy. Me, I'm going through it with that too, trying to understand why God seems to be bent on ruining me...my cat, Tigger, disappeared nine days ago so now I've another loss to deal with. Why? He was me and George's cat, the one we raised, he was special to us, why did I have to lose him too? Is everything we had going to disappear? Is there anything to look forward to? I spent all day Saturday completely alone, and it felt it. I went through all of George's music, it took me hours and hours to sort it and put the CD's with the cases and there's about 11 CDs missing, some of them his favorites. It makes me feel like I lost part of him. I am going through them, little by little, listening to them, listening for what message there was in them that made him want to buy them, trying to understand a little more of him. I am unwilling to let him go. And damned anyone who tells me I should! Why should I? It's my business! Why is it when you lose the person you love, everyone seems to think they should tell you how to live, how to handle it? It's my husband, not theirs! And then there is another thing my sister said that bothered me. She said George didn't take care of me, that I took care of him. She said he only took care of me emotionally. Where does she get off saying that? Ours was a partnership and we were good at different things, and we both did for each other. It's funny, I don't remember her being around to see how it was. I don't recall her ever being here in our home or watching who did what or how well they did it. He tried so hard, and I appreciated everything that he did. He did a lot of things around our place but she wouldn't know because she was never here. And the emotional support he lent me can never be replaced, not by anyone. He loved me so much and so well. He was a wonderful man, he was my husband. Just as her husband is her husband. Why is it that when your closest friend, your husband, your partner in life, dies, people seem to think they have the right to assess them and sum them up for you? Who asked them to? Would they have done that while they were alive? Why do they do it when they're dead? I'm sorry, I know I'm sounding off but it just got to me. Do other people have someone that says such thoughtless things? I know I should just ignore it and let it go, yet sometimes when you've had a hard day thelast thing you need are these stupid remarks. Why can't people just think of something encouraging to say or nothing at all? I am learning more and more, if people would just listen and care or be there in some tangible way, it would do so much more good that these stupid assessments when they don't know what they're talking about. Oh well. Maybe this is why some of you aren't writing as much...maybe you feel if you can't have something good to say...but we all have our ups and our downs. Guess you know what mine is right now. No more losses, please!

Oh Spela, you are so right, it is NOT "fair"! There is nothing fair about any of us losing our spouses, but it seems to me even less fair when it is someone young. We feel we are entitled to an average life expectantcy, but that doesn't always happen. Many are born into unfairness, many die unfairly. But as to your statement quoted above, you should have some good moments because you are alive; you are not responsible for his life ending prematurely, and you shouldn't have to pay for it. You are entitled to some good moments by the sheer fact that you did survive and you are surviving. We have to have something good here. It seems like it isn't too good when we compare it to the way it used to be, but then it may never seem that good again. However, we can help ourselves out by taking a look at what is good in our lives or around us and making note of it. For me, that is largely an appreciation of nature. But there are days I don't see anything good and nights that are even worse. Still, I try. I know that our focus and attitudes plays a huge role in how we fare in our survival. Some days I pass, some days I'm sure I fail. But we keep going. And you're right, he would want you to have some happiness...so would my husband. Just how that is possible I have not figured out yet. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Hang in there.

Ustwo and WaltC: You two were my map when I lost George...you were there just ahead of me, and I thought, if they can do it, so can I...not yet committed to surviving "life without", but "this one day without", a day at a time. Thank you for sharing faithfully, it's hard. Everything about this is hard. One of George's friends asked for his CDs, said they shared the same music, this is someone who had provided him a "home away from home" and was very important to him. But when he first passed away I wasn't yet ready to part with ANYTHING, for any little thing I gave away was like giving away a part of him and seemed to bring him further away from me. But I knew George loved this couple. It has taken me all of this time just to even LOOK at his music. Saturday I finally began to tackle it...I spent hours and hours organizing it all, putting CDs with jackets, grouping it, making labels for those that were missing them. And I am slowly methodically, listening to those CDs, trying to find the message in them as to why he purchased that particular one in order to get closer to him, who he was. He commuted a long ways and spent a lot of time on the road, listening to that music. I didn't want to let go of any of them without listening to them first. A few CDs are missing and that pains me because a couple of them were his favorites, I know that, and it's a little like losing more of him. This whole business is just so hard. I am supposed to be reading through the syllabus to get ready for the Grief Support Group I'm starting, and yet I find myself still doing the grieving myself and it takes time, lots of time. Good luck to both of you as you cope with the every dayness of your losses. You are special to me.

Go Rest High On That Mountain now! I know your life on earth was troubled And only you could know the pain You weren't afraid to face the devil You were no stranger to the rain **Go rest high on that mountain Son,your work on earth is done Go to heaven shoutin' Love for the Father and the Son Oh how we cried the day you left us We gathered round the grave to grieve I wish I could see the angels faces When they hear your sweet voice sing Repeat (chorus) Go to heaven a shoutin' Love for the Father and the Son Link to Free Download of this song: http://www.songlyrics.com/song-lyrics/Vinc...ain/101883.html

I know and relate so much to what you say here...my husband, too, had a lot of suffering, I just didn't know all of the "why" until it was too late. I, too, am haunted by memories of all he had to go through and endure and my heart breaks for him, I want so much to tell him how sorry I am for all he suffered in this life. I want to tell him how much I love him. And it's not that I didn't, because I did, I loved him more than life itself and he well knew it...yet I feel that my all was still inadequate to express all that I feel inside for him, all that I wish he could have had. I wish so much to change all of the bad that he endured and I think that's why it haunts me. We had much love and beautiful memories shared between us and I now that we both loved each other and expressed it to the fullest of our capacity, and I want so much to move to the stage where I can embrace those memories with smiles instead of wishing for what is gone and cannot be...I cannot rewrite the past, I cannot turn his clouds into sunshine, but I know that it was enough for him that I WAS his ray of sunshine in a world full of clouds. He used to tell me that there was no place that he could let down and renew like he could at home, no place he felt more comfortable or more love. And it wasn't so much about the place, as much as he loved our home, as it was me...I was his home. I was the one who gave him comfort in this troubled world. I am the one that brought him peace and gave to him fully what he'd never had before. But I am human and as such, limited in my abilities, I couldn't protect him from everything, nor could I make everything better...and I think that is in part what I berate myself for. This is a man, whom I feel, deserved everything wonderful and good in life, and he didn't always get it...but I am not God and could not work miracles. He is in God's hands now and can receive all that is wonderful and good...and the One who has the power to work the miracles that I could not, is at last able to give him what I could not. So instead of being haunted by the memories of his suffering or my not being able to be there all of that last weekend that he died, or not being able to be by his side as he was ushered in to the next world...I need to rejoice for him for his pain is gone, and now every day to him is like it was at home, wonderful, loving, comforting, good...he always called it our "Home in the clouds" because we live in the country and it is beautiful here. He is in a place like that now and never has to leave it. Good luck on your coming to terms with your memories of your husband's suffering, I don't know if anything I said helps or not, but please know that you are not alone in how you feel...and I know you are sick of hearing "in due time" but I believe that it is true that in due time you will be able to dream and look at your memories of good times and all that you shared and smile. This is just a painful long process and as much as we don't want to, we have to go through it. I am willing to go through it with you and my heart goes out to you.

This was beautiful...I copied it into Word and then replaced Gene's name with George's, for myself to read as often as I need to and try to remember what to do with this. I have so much love, so much pain, so much need, so much that I don't know what to do with. Yesterday was two months since George passed away...I tried to go to this site but it wouldn't come up. Anyway, I'm trying to get a Grief Support Group going and I met the counselor for over two hours and he gave me a video and a thick syllabus to read over the next two weeks. He's going to give me training to be a facilitator, so that will be more homework when I get through these materials. It's taken me most of this time to get to the point where I could even read anything, I couldn't focus for any length of time. I got permission from my church for use of the library as a place for our group to meet, so I feel like everything is coming together. I hope when all is said and done that someone shows up and gets something out of it, I have to feel there is some purpose or anything good that can come from my loss, I hate to think it's all for nothing, it's hard enough even with a reason. I just found out my daughter won't be with me this weekend and that was an unexpected change of events so that kind of dashed me, plus a "friend" cut me off unexpectedly a couple of days ago and that really hurt and I've had a lot to deal with; I couldn't help but feel how George would take me in his arms and pull me towards him, and make me feel cared about and loved...I miss that so much. So for both my need and all I have to give, this poem really speaks to me. My Soul Mate is out of my reach right now, I pour my heart out to him all the same, I write to him or cry to him, but all I have left in the world now is to try and reach out to others, whether it is a cry out to God or to try and be there for someone else. I pray I get through this somehow, it is still the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I hate it, I'd undo it all in a second if I could, maybe that's selfish, but that's honestly how I feel...and yet, in reality, if I think real hard about it, as much as I want my Sweetheart back, I don't want him back if it means that he is miserable and suffering, and I don't see how he could be otherwise if it meant living with pain and unable to do the things he wanted to do. Working was so important for him to do, it was a really strong ethic inside of him, and I think how hard it would have been for him to adjust to being disabled. He loved helping people, and it would have been hard for him to accept that he couldn't any more. And since he is free of pain and in a better, happier place, I know that I need to somehow quit feeling sorry for myself and be glad for him and accept my lot in life, yet it's still hard. We have so many mixed feelings to work through, so much to process, and this really is hard work. It's hard to adjust to not having them here with us, and I don't think I've fully adjusted to anything yet, I'm still in the process and I'm not sure if there is ever an end to that process or if it just changes bit by bit as time goes one, but it seems to me like it will go on forever to some extent or other. It helps me to hear from people on this site, and I thank each and every one of you who have taken the trouble to expose your heart and all of your raw hurt to the rest of us, I know it takes effort and it takes courage, and it means something to me for it makes me feel...not quite so alone...not quite so crazy. I am thankful for those couple of friends who have been here for me, asking me to lunch, or calling and checking on me and listening to me. They have been my sanity and lifeline. God bless and be close to each of you.

I am sorry for your loss of your husband...he sounds like someone you could be so proud of. Our fire chief just passed away here in our small town, and he was just in his 40's...he drowned. His wife can probably really relate with you. They too had an honorable send-off for him, all of the firefighters were there paying tribute and I thought of how proud his sons must be of him. I hope knowing that he was a hero as well as your husband and friend, brings you much comfort. God bless you.