kayc

Deborah, My husband died on Father's Day, and I think WaltC and Ustwo (Evelyn) went through their losses about a week before I did. I'm glad you're finding help on this site, that's one reason we're all here...to get help and give help. I know you find it very distasteful for someone who is grieving to joke, and I can really understand that, however, please remember that everyone copes in a different manner. My dad joked about everything and that is the legacy he left us, that when life gets unbearable, you try to joke and go on. I certainly don't feel like joking about losing my husband, it's no joking matter, and yet I know that that is how some people deal with the blows of life. I'm sure it makes you feel like bristling inside when you hear things that seem out of place, but try to pass it by and let it go, we all have so much to deal with, it's just very hard. If it bothers you enough, you might want to say something to the person, I'm sure they don't want to offend and perhaps it would call to their attention the need to be more sensitive to others. But most of all, keep expressing yourself, you're not out of line to feel as you do.

I think you guys are right on in your assessment of your dreams. I think it's God's way of assuring us. I wish I could dream of my George...I probably do but I sleep so hard I rarely remember my dreams. I have heard it said that in order to remember them you must be in a lighter sleep or wake up at some point. Of course they are healthy and happy, hang on to that! And the time will come that we will join them!

I wouldn't say that he doesn't want to be with you or his granddaughters. It may just be a reminder of what they always had or did together. It's odd the things that strike us...sometimes it's things we'd never expect. And like Walt said, it could be that he doesn't want to be a downer around them. Just go at his pace with sensitivity towards him. It should ease up a little eventually. It's not like we ever stop grieving or missing our loved one, but rather that we learn to live with it...pain and all...eventually.

I, too, am sorry for the loss of your mother, and for what your dad is going through. I lost my beloved husband and I must say, I do not feel like any holidays or special occassions. I try for my kids' sakes, but I do not feel like anything. It's very hard for me...and for anyone who's gone through this. the only thing that I know to suggest is that you continue to make your dad feel welcome in your plans and that you maybe incorporate some type of memorial of your mother into your celebrations, something meaningful for your family. Everyone handles this differently, some might want to tell fond stories of her, some might want a ritual like lighting candles...some leave an empty plate and chair at the table representing their presence...for everyone it will be different depending on your family and how they are. I know I particularly like remembering and talking about my husband, especially the way he was, the sweet and funny things that come to remembrance. Your father is fortunate that he still has you and that you are sensitive and caring.

Walt, Thank you for sharing that with us. The "split the skies to receive me" reminded me of the night George died. I didn't know it at the time because I was encased in a wall of concrete in the middle of a huge hospital where I didn't see windows to the outside or hear what was going on outdoors. But later on I found out, at the precise moment that George died, 6:00 p.m. Father's Day, there was a thunderous storm with lightening and rainbows, and my sister emailed me pictures of it...you could see the blue sky and clouds lit up because the lightening lit it up. The picture was incredible! There were multiple rainbows, and I can't help but think that this whole shower of display was George being welcomed into heaven. The picture displayed here reminds me of it. That was a very moving and inspiring piece that you shared with us. We need to remember and think about it, that they are with us, just in changed form.

I have to say "amen" to that. I think in a way I've grown stronger...at least a little more assertive about vocalizing myself. No one understands what we are going through unless they've been there themselves and no one has the right to expect anything or judge us for how we're handling it. We do need to be understanding of ourselves. There's times all of us don't feel like going on or don't see the point, but we haven't acted on that, we're still here, we're still trying to have positive focus. I thank God for leading me to this site and for each and every person on this site. I think I might have gone crazy if it weren't for all of you letting me know that these feelings are normal and that I'm not alone. None of us are alone, Dusky, we have each other to understand and pray for each other and care. That doesn't bring things back like they were or make up for our loss, but it does mean a lot all the same.

48 years ago! You spent a lifetime together...and it's never long enough when it's good. Yes, you will be together again, just hold on to that.

Thanks Spela. I never thought about it like that, that my dog at least valued the valentine cookies I made. What a hoot!

Spela, That's a good point, maybe that's part of it. This morning I was feeling suicidal...not planning it or anything, just thinking how nice it'd be to have it all over with, I feel so tired of it all. I feel like there's no one there, not really. For Valentine's Day, I thought, "okay, no one will remember me, but SI can do something for someone else" so I baked cookies and I mailed some to my son, and he called me the day after Valentine's and chewed on me for sending them to his former address. My daughter was supposed to be up this week but hasn't showed up yet so hers is still sitting there. Her friend that stays with me on weekends left his down where the dog got them. My other friend took off, forgetting about his. So much for trying to do something for someone else. I'm depressed.

I wish that had happened for me too...but noone did anythiing for me this Valentine's Day and again it was another stark reminder of my loss, for my George never would have let the occassion slip by without his doing something special. We never lost any opportunity to show love for each other. So I am reminded about what a special thing we had and how fortunate I was to have it at least that once in my life. I can only tell him, thank you.

It's been 8 months for me this Sunday...and I am finding it is getting harder, not better. It's like before I focused on doing all of the tasks that needed to be done and worked so hard at grieving and on my attitudes and trying to make positive choices...now I am just left alone with my grief, the stark reality of life without him, the striking difference between my sweet George and everyone else...what a unique and special man he was. It's hitting me again and again and slams me with its reality. It's hard enough doing without all of the things he did, the loss of his income, his taking care of the vehicles and the home maintenance, his brawn, his supportiveness and attentiveness to my mom and children, but the thing I miss the most, what's really hard, is missing my best friend and lover, for he was a wonderful husband to me and we were each other's biggest fans. I miss the look in his eyes, his smile, laying my head on his chest, the smell and comfort of him. I miss his sparkle, his personality, the life he brought to all of our lives, and especially into our home. I miss sharing life with him.

It sounds like you had a beautiful relationship and life together. You've created a wonderful tribute to him.

To my sweet George, You were my husband, my best friend, my soulmate, my lover. I want to tell you what you meant to me but words are so inadequate to convey what I feel inside. From the very beginning we clicked, we could communicate with each other, and we always had such faith in each other. Our love was unsurpassed, I have never seen another love like ours. Ours was a testamony to what love could be...what it was meant to be. You were a wonderful husband, George, I hope you know that. You made me so happy. And my kids loved you so much. You always gave everything your very best effort and tried so hard. I want you to know that I recognize that and appreciated you. I loved living with you, you were so easy to live with, so much fun to be around! You made me feel so completely loved, so secure. I really enjoyed life with you. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you belong to God, I saw your response to Him, and I respect you, George. You were my hero, my big guy, and I am forever your little one. I miss you and will miss you until we are joined again. Life is hard to do here without you. It's like the joy went out of my life the night you died. I have had to work so hard on my focus, my attitude, on making positive choices. It takes concerted effort and sometimes I just feel tired. I am trying, I am trying really hard, and I know you would be proud of me for that. I always knew it'd be really hard for you if I died but I didn't realize how hard I'd take it...I thought I was strong, I had no idea how hard it'd really be. But you were my everything, you know that? What a difference you made to my world and to everyone's around you! You had such personality and spirit. We miss you George, we all do. Your Little One forever

Spela, Really, I kind of know what you mean. I have been fortunate to have had some there for me...but others that I would have thought would have been there, haven't. I don't blame those who don't know how to be because they just don't know, they haven't been here...and I don't want them to go through this either. But like you said, we move on, after a while, we really just don't care...not because we aren't forgiving, but because things have changed and we HAVE moved on...from them. I have mostly different friends now, I hadn't really thought about it but very few that were there before are here now. Those that my husband and I were close to...they're gone. He would be surprised, I'm sure, but I guess that's the way it goes. But God seems to have blessed me with what I need, I have my dog and three cats now (two are new). A a few new friends. What's odd is that they are people I knew before but just barely, but they've really been here for me, and none of them have experienced death/loss themselves. I guess some have more ability to empathize and be there than others do. We'll find our way eventually.

We can all "survive"...but none of us will ever be the same again. It seems like I am having a harder time for some reason than I had been, I'm not sure why. I miss him. I miss everything about him, everything he did for me, how he was. I would give anything to have him back. This morning I was remembering last Valentine's Day...I never dreamed it would be our last one together. How much I miss that man.

I am truly sorry for your pain...sorry that another person has to go through what I am going through. That rock...I think I'd turn it over too. I'm still not able to dig out the cards and letters he gave me, the pictures, it's just way too painful. I never knew anything could hurt so bad. I always thought I was such a strong person, but this has rendered me powerless. All I know is pain right now. I'm so alone.

Deborah, I feel your pain, I am so sorry. I feel like that too. Thank you John/Dusky, for all that you share, you are a very compassionate person and you touch all of our lives. I hope you do select another dog...maybe go to the pound and let the dog select you! Ustwo, I relate to your indecision and not caring, I have such a hard time going to work and doing my job. It's hard to concentrate, hard to focus, hard to give things your best. I went to our church' Valentine Banquet Friday night, everyone had been after me to go, and it was nice...I guess better than being home alone, but so hard...so painful. It was the first time I'd gone without George. We were so in love and continually showed it...one of those couples that everyone noticed and commented on the tremendous love between us. People still comment on it. It is something I have lost here forever...until George and I meet again, for I know there's not another human alive that has the capability of loving me anywhere close to like George did. He truly adored me. It's funny, there are some men that don't care if you gain weight...but George was a step beyond that...he didn't NOTICE! He looked at me through such a filter of love, all he ever saw was perfection in this imperfect being. I will never, as long as I live, forget the look in his eyes for me. That look...it said it all.

Thank you for sharing that, I wish I could feel it was so, but I don't. I just feel incredible pain and loss. It seems like it's getting worse/harder, not better. I put up a good front in public, but inside, the pain is killing me. It doesn't do any good to talk to people about it, it'd just make them feel bad, it doesn't alter the fact that he's gone from me and I miss him incredibly. I wish I could tell him what he means to me, what a wonderful husband he was, how incredible of a person he is, that I miss him more than anything in the world. I would give my very breath to have five minutes with him again.

Thank you Dusky...John...

Let me add too how sorry I am. I felt that way when Tigger ran away, two months after George died...we raised him together and it felt like more of George was leaving. I know Tigger didn't understand why his beloved master didn't come home anymore. It's so hard with each loss...

Your husband died waiting for a transplant? I realize that is what my husband needed to survive...but he never even got to make it to a waiting list. They scheduled him for a five bypass heart surgery, but I realize he never would have survived it because he'd already sustained severe heart damage from previous heart attacks, we just hadn't known that's what had happened. It was too late...he couldn't even make it to surgery, let alone survive it. If he was to live he would have needed a new heart. Why did they let the sweetest man that ever lived, die? If they'd only known him! If they'd have known him they'd have moved heaven and earth to save his life. Instead it was only me and his friends and my family that were to know his huge worth and miss him and grieve for him. What a loss to the world.

Tonight I ran across a paper that had slipped behind the computer hutch...I pulled it out and looked at it and my heart lurched. It was a sheet of labels my husband had made...it said "Huntleys' Green Beans 2004"...and I realized that was the last time we had canned green beans together. Every year he went and got the green beans and we'd wash and can them and while I was watching the processor, he'd make the labels...he'd put a picture of whatever food we were canning on the label. I realized that last summer I didn't can at all. Last summer was one continual blur of pain. It never ends...the reminders. Reminders of things he'd done for me, bought for me, said to me. Reminders of places we've gone, things we did together. I can't bear to look at pictures of us together...we looked so happy...so unaware of what was to come. So unaware that our life was about to end. Everything exists in the realm of "before" and "after". When I see "before" it pains me. I think, "All that was before I knew...when we were still happy..." Where is my husband? Why can't I reach him? How do you go on, day after day? How do you survive? I try, Lord knows I try so hard. I try to rebuild my life, try to focus on the good, try to look for the positive. Why then do I get hit with continual pain? Why does the missing him hurt so bad? I've been through divorce, it's nothing like this...I thought that was hard, but eventually it heals, and the anger fuels you to survive. But this, it's different, it never goes away, and there's no anger to fuel me...there's just tears of sorrow and aloneness and pain. Deep in the night I feel it especially...in the quiet house where once our love and laughter reigned. I still can't bear to watch a video...we always watched them (and fell asleep) together in each other's arms...it wasn't so much about seeing a movie as it was about cuddling up together and letting the world go. Green beans, movies, presents, love notes...everything serves as a reminder...even the stars, for we used to look at them together. Our porch swing where we were supposed to grow old together. We were supposed to die together...drop dead together at a ripe old age, or in a car wreck or something...I wasn't supposed to be left behind at 52. We never even got to retire together! We were supposed to "take the back roads to Roseburg" together, we never got to. Our anniversary was booked at the coast...we even had our "little bears necklaces" that we had custom made that we were going to exchange...but he didn't live long enough to make it to that day. My sweet sweet husband. The sweetest man in all the world. The man with the biggest heart I've ever seen. George, I love you so much, I always will. I try to move on, try to live, but it never stops. Thank God it's not you that was left! I'd never want you to go through this! That's my only consolation...you don't have to go through this. You're safe and happy because somehow God is sparing you from pain. I will see you again. Be ready to hug me...

Chris, I am so sorry. Your loss is very great and grievous. It is very normal and natural to blame God or be angry at Him for something that came in to your life unbidden. I felt the same way when my husband passed away. But I know it's not really God that caused it to happen...we live in a fallen world (to oversimplify) where people's own natures reign and it affects all of us. It was your wife's decision, not God's. He doesn't control us like puppets, He gives us freedom to choose, but freedom comes with a price and this is part of that. It doesn't always work out like this, some people can trust their spouse and have happy endings...others...well they get hit. Life is just unfair. You may not be able to control what enters your life, but you can choose to control your responses to it. Try to let it shape and mold you in positive ways, not negative ones...you may not be ready yet, but when you are, you'll know you are at that crossroad. We are here for you. Voice your feeligs and know they are okay to feel.

Spela, I've missed you...I've kept looking for your postings and wondering how you are doing. You sound like you could be depressed...have you sought professional treatment for it? Depression is to be expected when going through something of such magnatude as this. I don't know if this next year will be any easier for you or not, but I don't think it could be any harder, that's for sure. If you are feeling a need for some changes, maybe you should give that some serious consideration. Don't write off the former friends...you may feel differently someday, but neither should you feel like you have to be around them right now if you don't want to. If they're truly friends, they'll be there if and when you're ready. If dogs bring you any comfort or joy, then go with that. Maybe you might feel more comfortable interacting with people if they don't know what you've been through so it isn't a matter of discussion...can you try and get to know some new people maybe through an organization involving dogs in some way. I don't know, whatever you feel comfortable with. People do seem to have some sort of a time table for us; however, none of us fit that timetable, we all handle things differently and that's perfectly okay. At any rate, none of us here have any such expectations and we care for you and are glad to hear from you again. KayC

How I could relate to your post, Evelyn! I don't even know how to do my tax return this year or what to put...do I list his income and deductions or do I have to ignore all that as if he/we didn't exist? I am so confused! Not all of my papers have come in yet so I've been ignoring it so far. I had the same experience when I went to the social security office and she told me my marriage ended in death...that was just a few days after he died and I cried and cried as I left there. Neither of us wanted our marriage to "end"! We love each other, we love each other still, and that can never change! I miss him so incredibly! Each and every day I am reminded...I run across things he did for me, things he bought for me, I am reminded of his million little kindnesses...I can never forget, nor would I ever want to. I think of my husband lying there in the hospital bed, and I am overcome with emotion and longing and pain...it never quits, it never goes away. The world can call it whatever it wants but for the rest of us, we are lost in limbo...