MikeC

Mary Linda, this brings back memories of the day of Janet's diagnosis. She had been having abdominal bloating and discomfort. An attempt at a colonoscopy was unsuccessful because the doctor couldn't get the scope very far into the colon, so they scheduled exploratory surgery for the next day. The surgeon told us before the surgery that he didn't think it was cancer, but instead a "kink" in the colon. When he came to the waiting room after the surgery and told me that Janet had advanced ovarian cancer I was devastated. I went into the hospital chapel and sobbed. I still cry when I think about it, and it was more than 3 years ago. I get very sad when I think about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Janet was the driving force in our household for Christmas. She decorated the house, wrote Christmas cards, baked Christmas cookies, got the most thoughtful gifts for everybody. As soon as Christmas was over she started shopping for next Christmas. I break down every time I think about how empty these holidays will be without her, not to mention her birthday, Mothers Day, our anniversary, and the list goes on. I think you are doing well after only 7 1/2 months. That is not a very long time compared to the time you and Tom were together. Hang in there. Mike

I like your poem a lot, Kathy - you have a real talent for writing. I have been working on a couple of songs for Janet, but I can't seem to get them finished. Mike

Hi, Lynda I am so sorry for your great loss. I lost my wife on June 25, and I was with her when she died. I feel so lucky to have found this place. The folks who come here have been a great source of comfort and support for me, as we will be for you. I hope you find a job soon - going to work has helped me. I'll keep you in my thoughts. Mike

Hi Kim, My wife was a New Jersey girl, too. She grew up in Berkeley Heights.

Mary Linda, I think we all beat ourselves up about things we feel we should or should have done for our lost loved ones. I know I feel guilt about some things I did in Janet's last weeks that I thought were right at the time but looking back wish I hadn't done. I wish I hadn't convinced her to try one last chemo treatment, hoping it would help slow the disease. Instead, it made her more nauseous than any of the other treatments ever did, and the nausea lasted for 3 days. I also persuaded her to eat when she really didn't want to, but she did it for me even though she knew it would result in more nausea. My motive was to try to prolong Janet's life, but the main result was discomfort for her. I often think about these things at night and wish I had apologized to her for them while she was alive. As for visiting your friend I really think you should go. I have a feeling he would like to see you and if you don't go will wonder why you haven't come to visit him. You will probably regret it if you don't go. MIke

I hope you have a good day today, Kim. I will keep you in my thoughts. Mike

Wow, I appreciate all your words of support, but at the same time I am so sorry that so many of you have experienced this sense of abandonment, too. I have gotten support from unexpected sources, as well. I want to tell you about my experience at work yesterday. I teach at a small college and it was the first day of class. When I returned to my office after my last class I saw my friend Joe, who used to teach in my department but left for another job about 4 years ago. He lost his wife to lymphoma over three years ago, shortly before Janet was diagnosed. He has been in frequent contact with me mostly via email throughout Janet's illness and since her death. Anyway, we talked for a couple of hours about our common losses and how our lives were turned upside down, etc. When Joe's wife died I went to her wake but out of ignorance didn't follow up with support like he has for me. As I have written before, I had experienced the loss of several family members but had no idea how devastating the loss of a husband or wife could be. I apologized for not being a better friend to him. I am thankful he is still my friend. I am also thankful that I found this place with such gentle, compassionate souls. I feel welcome and unafraid to talk about nearly any problem I am having. I just wish I was better at offering meaningful words of encouragement to you all, as well. I have contacted my local hospice about a bereavement support group. Apparently they do not have such a group, but they do offer a bereavement class. I don't yet have any details about how it works, but I have a feeling it is not like a support group. I'd really like to interact (in person) with others who have lost spouses. I guess you all will have to be my support group. Mike

John, you have described many of my feelings about abandonment by friends in I Became Their Greatest Fear. This verse rings true for me: Those who do not understand Have not been to this dark land When they could not see you here I became their greatest fear Deborah, it has been less than 2 months since Janet died, and hardly anybody mentions her name now. Some people seem a little uncomfortable when I bring her up in conversation. Not everybody, though - I still have a small core of friends who don't shy away from her mention. I am not surprised that people who were primarily Janet's friends don't came around much, but there are a few that I thought were close to me, too, that have surprised me with their absence. On the other hand, there are a couple of folks I didn't know very well who have really stepped up. Fred, my sister-in-law is actually seeing someone again and has even mentioned marriage, though I am sure she still grieves the loss of my brother. I don't know that I need her help or guidance, but I think it would have been nice if she had called or dropped by to see how I was doing. Mary Linda, thanks for your comments. I think I should look into a grief support group, and I believe our local hospice has one. For some reason I've been putting off contacting them about it, I don't know why. Thanks, everybody. Mike

John, those moved me to tears. The tune "Down by the Salley Garden" that accompanies the Irish Blessing is so beautiful. A musical couple I play with introduced me to that song and we play it every time we get together. Here is what grabbed me in Finding Joy: "Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." It is the little things, indeed, that I miss the most. Thank you, John. Mike

Kim, I wish there was something I could say that would lift your spirits. In my short experience with this new life that has been forced upon me I find most days are hard to get through, but somehow I manage to get through them. My heart goes out to you, just as all the other hearts here do. Mike

It has been more than seven weeks since my Janet died. After her death, visits and calls "just checking in" have dropped dramatically. It is not like I have nobody - several friends still drop by, invite me out, or call regularly to check on me. But some people who were very frequent visitors during Janet's illness have seemingly disappeared from the face of the earth - missing persons, so to speak. One that puzzled me was my sister-in-law, who was married to my older brother who passed away three years ago. After my brother died Janet and I invited her to dinner every week. I thought we had developed a strong bond, even stronger than when my brother was alive. She visited frequently during Janet's final weeks, but since Janet's service I had heard nothing from her until a couple days ago when she left a voice mail message checking in to see how I was doing. Anyway, after several attempts to call her back got no answer, I emailed her and told her that I was struggling with the loss of Janet and also invited her to dinner. She sent a reply saying she had not called or dropped by because the thought that Janet would not be here was unbearable. The more I think about this the more it hurts. After losing her husband she should know how unbearable it is for me that Janet is not here. It also reinforces my belief that for some people I am basically just a reminder that Janet is gone. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Mike

Jan, I've been without Janet for only 7 weeks and it definitely feels like it is getting worse to me. Nearly everyone says it will continue to get worse. Given how lost and alone I feel now, that is not a very comforting prognosis. Before she died, Janet told me "You have the hard job." Looks like she was right. Mike

Jeanne, It may not belong in this thread, but your co-worker's comment is something I am sure we have all heard. It is hard to hold your tongue when you get advice like that. Now, if you had told her "I have complicated grief, so going out and having a good time won't help" then the post would have fit perfectly here. Mike

Vickie, I hope you are doing okay today. My thoughts are with you. Mike

Thanks for the link, Joe. I find the article ridiculous and left a comment myself. I basically stated that prior to Janet's death I had lost both parents and three brothers. I experienced grief in each instance, but nothing even remotely close to what I am experiencing now. I am sure I will be grieving for quite some time to come, so does that mean my brain has changed? Mike

Hi, Kim It is a shame you have to be subjected to your sister-in-law's crap when you've got to deal with all the "normal" stuff that accompanies grief. It might be that a lot of her behavior is fueled by the fact that she wasn't part of Dan's support group when he needed it the most. Are you on good terms with the rest of Dan's family, and do they know what a pain in the a$$ she is being? At any rate, I agree with Vickie. Go ahead and have the memorial in the park (it sounds like a wonderful way to honor Dan) and if she shows up, ignore her. Mike

Mark, I am so sorry for your loss. Your Carol sounds like a wonderful lady; in many respects she sounds a lot like my Janet. I just recently found this place myself, and I have received lots of love and support from the folks here. My thoughts are with you. Mike

Thank you all for your comforting words. I appreciate each and every one of you wonderful people for sharing your own stories of tragic loss and for hope that there may again be happiness beyond the bleakness that I am experiencing now. I am so glad I found this place. Mike

At this time 5 weeks ago I was by my Janet's side, holding her hand, telling her I love her, saying goodbye...forever. I have been missing her a lot all day, but God, I miss her so much tonight. This old house, once filled with love and laughter, has turned into a lonely hell. Mike

Vickie, I am also really hurting and depressed, although my wife died only 5 weeks ago tonight. Janet spent the last few hours of her life in a coma with my 2 sons and I there with her. I really want to believe she heard us tell her we loved her and say our goodbyes. I'll bet your Pat heard you, too. Unlike you, I've never seen loved ones who have passed away, but I wish every day that Janet would appear to me or somehow make her presence felt. Hang in there--my thoughts are with you. Mike

Thanks for the encouraging words, Derek. I hope you are right. Mike

Jeanne, I feel the same way about the timing of my wife's death. The Hospice folks were somewhat amazed that she continued to live despite her deteriorating condition. I think she held on until our older son, who lived 5 hours away, came home. He had a job interview on the morning of the day she died. That afternoon he got a call saying he had gotten the job. I think that knowing this and the fact that he would be moving back with me gave Janet the peace of mind she needed. Mike

Thanks for your stories, Kathy. Seeing your dad and her grandmother must have given your mom great comfort. I would love to know who or what Janet was seeing. She didn't seem to be uncomfortable or afraid, just full of wonder. And your story about Bill-wow! That had to be so utterly heart wrenching to know you would lose him so soon. ---------- Mary Linda, I hope Tom's mom and dad are still dancing! ---------- Hi, ustwo. What a wonderful man Gene must have been--I am so sorry for your loss. Seeing his mother was indeed a beautiful gift. Mike

John, thanks for sharing those wonderful memories. Your love for Jack really comes out through your writing. Mike

Thanks, Derek. I had a somewhat similar experience when I was in my early 20s. One Sunday morning at a little before 5:00 am I awoke suddenly with a very strange feeling that something was wrong. I found out later that morning from my friend Eddie that our mutual friend Frank had crashed his car and died at that time. Eddie had also awoken at the same time. Mike