MikeC

Mel, you are so new to this. I wish I could tell you it will get better soon, but I can't. My experience so far tells me healing is a very slow, painful process. I will say this, though: It was a month before I could get the courage to talk about my wife's death on this forum. I think you are doing well to start dealing with your loss as soon as you have. I also think you express yourself very well with music. It is good therapy and I often use it when I can't find the words, too. I have always liked "A Long December" but it is an especially poignant song this year. Hang in there, Mel. Mike

That is a funny story, Annie. My story is about a Christmas gift from my best friend, but the funny part happened several weeks after Christmas. I am a big Monty Python fan and a few Christmases ago my friend gave me a Black Knight doll, which had removable limbs that were attached with Velcro. I took it to my office at school and hung it on my bulletin board. One day one of my students came into the office, saw the doll and said, “Professor _______ uses the Black Knight philosophy when she grades our exams: None Shall Pass!” If you are not familiar with the Black Knight, here is the scene from The Holy Grail: Mike

I'm sorry you are having such a bad night. The holidays are hitting me pretty hard, too - this is my first Christmas without my wife. I am going to wish you a happy birthday anyway, Pat, and also wish you better days in the weeks ahead. Happy Birthday, Pat! Mike

Dear Heartbroken, I had a lot of "preparation" - before Janet died I lost three brothers, all relatively young, my mother and my father. Add up all the grief from those deaths and it doesn't come close to the grief I feel from losing Janet. It is terribly cruel that you have additional problems heaped on you. There are several other good people on this forum who are also dealing with difficult challenges right now. They must have incredible strength to handle it. I wish you and your mother the strength you need, too. Mike

Rosemary, Sherry is right: there are more people who care about you than you think. Here is a hug from me, too... ((((((((((Rosemary))))))))))

Well, I guess I spoke too soon, Marsha. It is 1:40 a.m. where I live. I woke up about an hour ago and have been lying here trying to go back to sleep. I've been thinking about how busy the next two days are going to be and how it really would be nice if I could face them well-rested. Looks like I'll have to go with plan B: strong coffee. Sweet dreams... Mike

Marsha, I was doing exactly that, every night at about the same time (around 1:30 for me, too), until recently. My mind would race from one topic to the next, from very recent times to the distant past, to what will happen to me when I am old, and will I be alone for the rest of my life, and so on. I still don't sleep normally but I am doing somewhat better in that area. I am at about 5 1/2 months. I wish a good night's sleep for you! Mike

Thank you all for your comforting comments. It took three shifts and a lot of tears to get the tree decorated, but I am really glad I did it - it is beautiful! Next hurdle: shopping (that has always been a major task for me). MIke

Dear heartbroken, I'll reiterate what others have already said: you are among friends who understand your pain and will treat you with love and compassion. Come here whenever you feel the need to cry or scream or whatever. It won't be long before someone will hear you and come to help. Take care of yourself. Mike

Pretty damn difficult, when each ornament reminds you of a loved one that was taken from you a short time ago. The handmade ornaments that the kids gave to their mom are especially tough – Janet cherished them more than any of the others, and each one reminds me that the boys miss her, too. It is said that the anticipation of a dreaded event is often worse than the event itself. Well, I knew this was going to be hard to do, but my expectations fell far short this time. You see, Janet was Christmas at our house. When I was a young kid my parents became Jehovah's Witnesses, a religious group that doesn't celebrate Christmas, so I didn't bring any real Christmas traditions to our marriage. Janet, on the other hand, did. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved giving gifts more than receiving them. She was in Christmas shopping mode all year long, and consequently had her shopping done months in advance. She decorated the house, inside and out, and sent tons of Christmas cards. We always did the tree together, and until last year always had a real tree. Last Christmas we bought a 7 foot grapevine tree, instead – it was the most beautiful tree we ever had. It is the one I am trying to decorate today. I had to get away from it for awhile, so I thought I would come here and cry about it to you folks. So what was once the most joyous season of the year for this family has become one of pain and sorrow. I want to keep at least some of our traditions in Janet's memory. One of these is Christmas Eve dinner with our best friends. Every year our family would sit down with theirs for a feast followed by an exchange of gifts. I looked forward to this as much as Christmas Day at our house – not this year, though, and maybe never again. I am absolutely uninspired to shop for gifts for them. I am expecting this dinner to be the biggest challenge of this season, much worse than decorating a tree. Merry Christmas.

Kathy, that must have been so difficult to do. I still can't deal with Janet's clothing and other belongings. I guess I know deep down that parting with her things doesn't mean I am saying goodbye, but there are too many memories attached to them. Like, it's not just a red sweater, it's the sweater Janet wore to what turned out to be the last Christmas Eve dinner we had with our best friends. Maybe someday I'll be able to do it. Mike

Thank you all for your comments. Mary Linda, I hoped the popcorn would pop when it hit the fire. I don't think it did, but the logs on the fire were crackling and popping so loudly it would have been hard to tell. On the other hand, Janet loved popcorn so it was quite fitting for that reason alone. Mike

Hi everybody, As some of you may remember, my sons and I planned to travel to my brother-in-law's place in PA for Thanksgiving and a bonfire memorial for Janet. You may also recall that I dreaded going there. Well, it went a lot better than I anticipated. Thanksgiving dinner was actually enjoyable - 12 people sat down at the table and feasted on a 33 lb. turkey, among other things. I felt like I belonged there, but more importantly I felt like part of a family. I have missed that feeling a lot. The memorial went very well. I made packets with colored tissue paper containing popcorn, lavender and Janet's ashes to throw into the bonfire. Janet's brother and I built a large fire in his garden and 30 people gathered around it. We started with a prayer, sang Blessed Assurance, Walk Through the Bottomland, and Over the Rainbow. People shared remembrances of Janet and read poems. The thing I dreaded so much turned out to be a touching, sweet experience. Today I attended a "Tree of Light" ceremony sponsored by our local hospice. I placed an angel in Janet's memory on the tree. I also got to see some of the hospice folks there, too. They are certainly angels themselves. MIke

So, your spending time with your family after Tom's death showed disrespect to Tom, but their abandoning you the day after his death did not. Maybe I am stupid, but I don't understand the logic there. It sounds to me like there was one good person among the 12 kids in that family, and you married him. Take care, Mary Linda.

It is nearly 5 months for me, too. I hit that wall just about every day. I am also trying to figure out who I am now - whoever I used to be died along with Janet. From what I've read here I think everybody hits that wall from time to time, even those that have been at this a lot longer than you and me. They tell me it gets better - I hope so. Take care, Marsha. Mike

Jenn, You and your daughter have been so suddenly and unexpectedly thrust into a horrible situation - I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now. I know you must be terribly disappointed about the headstone, but that will pass. I am sure that your relationship with your daughter will improve, too, although it may take some time. My sons are both grown now and have certainly been a comfort to me in the aftermath of their mom's death last summer. We have a great relationship now, but it hasn't always been that way. We had some pretty shaky times during the teen years. It really hurt me to overhear my younger son tell his mother "I hate him!" (I was "him"). I just had to ride it out, and as the boys matured our relationship got back on solid ground. The only advice I have to offer is to give your daughter all the love you can and be patient with her. The teen years are difficult to get through - for the parent and the child - under the best of situations; losing Eric just made it so much harder. I wish you both strength and peace as you work through this. Mike

Now you've got me tearing up, Mary Linda. It is so unfair that memories of sweet little things that once brought us so much joy can evoke such feelings of deep sadness. Mike

Hi Kim, Dusky, and Patti I hope the candle lighting ceremony was a wonderful experience and that you all got to connect. Our hospice is having a "Light Up a Life" Angel Tree Ceremony on December 5. I plan to go and place an angel on the tree for my departed angel girl. Mike

Janet loved me and let me know this in so many ways: with her voice, her eyes, her smile, her touch. She got my stupid jokes and liked to hear me play guitar. She put up with me for almost 29 years. She was a wonderful loving mother to our 2 boys. She found joy in simple things, especially in nature - a bird's feather, a colorful leaf, the smell of honeysuckle, lavender, and lilac. Janet loved people. She could become instant friends with strangers. She never had anything bad to say about anybody. She was a good listener - she was genuinely interested in what others had to say. People would naturally open up to her. Several people called her their best friend. She was compassionate and helped people in need, both financially and spiritually. Janet was courageous. I never knew her to be afraid of anything or anybody. She didn't seem to fear even death. She was the sweetest person I have ever known... I could go on for a while, but I'll stop there. This is a wonderful topic for a post, Kay. Mike

Kay, I don't think this is exactly what you are looking for, but I had a dream 3 weeks ago that may have been a communication of sorts. I sleep on the right side of the bed; Janet used to sleep on the left. I generally sleep on my right side, but when she was alive I would always start out on my left side with my left arm under her pillow and my right arm around her. After a while I would roll over on my right side and go to sleep. On this particular night I was reading in bed and got sleepy, so I turned out the light. I rolled onto my left side and put my left arm under Janet's pillow and my right hand on the pillow. I soon fell asleep in this position and began to dream. In the dream I was downstairs (my bedroom is upstairs) in the hallway that leads to the bedroom where Janet died. We moved down there when she became too weak to negotiate the stairs. There is a bathroom that opens onto the hallway and the bedroom is at the end of the hallway. As I walked down the hallway toward the bedroom I noticed that the door to the bathroom was slightly ajar. I said something to one of my sons who was somewhere else in the house. I don't remember what I said, but it must have been humorous because I heard laughter coming from the bathroom. I walked on to the bedroom, stood at the doorway and looked inside. The room was very neat and the bed was covered with a gold-colored bedspread. As I stood there I suddenly realized that the laughter I heard was Janet's! I walked to the bathroom and stuck my left hand through the crack in the door. On the other side I could feel someone gently grip my hand. Suddenly I was transported (still in the dream) back to the bedroom upstairs. I could still feel someone holding my hand. I imagined it was Janet and cried out "Oh, Sweetie!" Right then I awoke and could still feel the sensation of someone holding my hand, but it quickly dissipated and was gone. I don't know that this was a communication from Janet. I'd like to think so, but it was probably just a very vivid dream. It was definitely the best dream I've had in some time. I have had dreams where I was looking for Janet but could not find her, dreams where I could see her but not talk to her, and even a couple of dreams where she spoke to me. This was the only one where I experienced her touch. Mike

Teny, please know that I am thinking of you today as well. My wife died last June 4 days before our anniversary. That anniversary was very hard for me, but it came so soon after her death that I think I was still pretty numb. I imagine the next one will be much more difficult. My heart goes out to you. Mike

Jenn, I offer my condolences and welcome you to this group. As others have said, there are some wonderful people here who understand what you are going through and will be an excellent source of care and support. I am new to this, as well, although my wife Janet didn't die unexpectedly. She fought ovarian cancer for 3 years before succumbing to it in June. I am thankful I stumbled across this site - it helps me to be able to write about my feelings and have someone actually understand them. I don't have friends locally who have suffered the loss of a spouse, so this site is like a support group for me. I hope you find it to be beneficial, too. Mike

Count me among the folks who dread the next couple of months. This will be the first time in 29 years I will spend Thanksgiving and Christmas without Janet. I am absolutely heartsick about it because these were such joyful holidays for us and now that is lost. I have plans for Thanksgiving. My sons and I will drive to Janet's brother's house in Pennsylvania and have Thanksgiving dinner with his family. He lives in a rural area on property that once belonged to Janet's uncle and near where her mother was born and raised. On the Saturday following Thanksgiving we will have a memorial celebration for her on his property. Janet was the quintessential Girl Scout and loved camping and sitting around the fire, so we plan to have a bonfire and let people speak and then throw some of her ashes in the fire. This was an idea I presented to her about a month before she died and she was really excited about it. I thought back then that I would have had ample time by now to recover from her passing and be ready to do this. With the event now just 3 weeks away I am getting a little worried about my ability to get through it. As luck would have it, Christmas Day will be the 6 month anniversary of Janet's death. My only plan at this time is to just try to survive it. Mike

I think about this often, Marsha. I am pretty sure Janet would have gotten along better than I have for a couple of reasons. First, she showed so much strength as she faced death. I always felt she had much more inner strength than me. Second, she had a wide network of friends who loved and supported her. Janet was my source of comfort and support during emotional crises, including the deaths of my parents and 2 of my brothers. When I lost her I also lost the one person I could turn to for help. So, yeah, I definitely think she would have fared better than me. Mike

Jan, I struggle with that particular question and the general religion issue all the time. Like you, I am not a religious person. My Janet was a very active member of a church and lived an exemplary life. I envy people of faith who have a very real belief that they will see their departed loved ones one day, but I have trouble accepting the concept of a god who supposedly loves each and every one of us, yet permits his children to suffer and die horrible deaths. I have been told that mere mortals are not meant to understand God's Plan. I surely don't understand it, but I am sure I don't like it. The day after Janet died I ran into one of her teacher friends, also a “Christian,” at a local supermarket. I told her that Janet had passed away the night before. After conveying her condolences she said, "I'm not worried about Janet - I'm worried about you. Janet's faith will get her through. If you don't have faith, then get some!" That really stunned me. There I was, with my reason for living gone, having spent the last 3 years caring for her and the last 6 weeks providing round-the-clock caregiving. I poured my heart and soul into attending to Janet and making her as comfortable as possible. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but I was able to continue on because of our abiding love for each other. How could anyone be so insensitive? I held my tongue and didn't tell her what I thought of her advice. I think I acted more like a Christian than she, the professed Christian, did. Still, like I said earlier, I wish I had the hope of seeing Janet again. That would be such a great comfort. I just can't believe it at this point. Mike