MikeC

Derek and Wendy, Congratulations! A little ditty for you: Mike

Tears, I am so sorry for the loss of your step son. I lost a very close nephew who was about the same age a few years ago. It was such a terrible traumatic experience for the entire family. I will keep you in my thoughts. Mike

Hi Barb, I am relatively new here, too. My wife died in June after a 3-year fight with cancer. I wish I had some advice for you, but I am still "learning the ropes" myself. I've gone through one anniversary alone (4 days after her death) and it was very difficult. My experience has been that my life goes through cycles where things seem to get a little bit better for a while, but then they get worse. I am currently in one of the down phases, missing her so incredibly much. You are right - this is a good place to come to when the house gets empty and loneliness sets in. Mike

Okay, ladies! Maybe we disagree about football, but I think we can agree about one thing: the jerk that Kim originally posted about in this thread deserves a good whipping... ...like the whipping the Browns gave the Giants last night!!!!! All joking aside Kim, I hope you are feeling better! Mike

Kath, Your words really resonate with me. My wife died in June and initially a good number of people checked in regularly to see how I was doing. That number has dwindled to about 3. One of those lives about 20 minutes from me; the other 2 hundreds of miles away. I'm starting to tolerate being alone a little bit better, but I hate the thought of spending the rest of my life like this. I am especially dreading the approaching holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas/New Years. These were special, joyful seasons when Janet was with me, but now I wish I could somehow avoid them. Sorry I don't have any words to cheer you up, but just know you have people here who understand your hurt. Mike

Kim and Wendy, You know I have a special place in my heart for girls from New Jersey, and I was elated to see the Giants win the Super Bowl, but I've been a Browns fan since I was a kid. That is one of many burdens I have had to carry through my life. So, sorry girls, but last night's victory was SWEET!!!!

Hi, Rosemary I am sorry you lost your husband – he must have been a wonderful man. Friday marked 100 days since my wife of nearly 29 years died after fighting ovarian cancer for 3 years. I am not exactly like you but your description of your life pretty closely matches mine – go to work, come home, go to the gym a couple of times a week, see friends on occasion. I go from feeling numb to feeling sad. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. My wife was the perfect match for me and I know I will never again have what I had with her. I hate living alone and my new life in general, and sometimes the thought of continuing in this manner is overwhelming. I am thankful I found this site. The folks here are loving, caring kindred spirits. It has helped me to talk about my thoughts and feelings where I know people will understand. I hope you find it comforting here, too. Mike

Fred and Wendy, Congratulations to you guys! I don't really know you but I must say the fact that you found each other gives me a glimmer of hope. Good luck and best wishes to you! Mike P.S. Wendy, Jersey girls are the best!

Congratulations, Kim! You've gone through so much adverse stuff and accomplished a truly wonderful thing despite it all. Your determination is inspirational, indeed. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Mike

Joe, I just wanted to add my best wishes to you on this day. I've been pretty down lately myself, but it was a glorious day here in southern WV. I went for a long walk on a trail near my house after work and it helped to cheer me up a little bit. I hope you get through today okay, too. Peace to you, Joe. Mike

Joe, That has to be so heart breaking. I get sad whenever I read things that Janet wrote, but most of her writing was about happy things, such as stuff the kids did or said. It reminds me of how much is now gone from my life and how much I miss her. But to read her description of how she was deteriorating physically has to be simply devastating. My heart goes out to you, and I'll keep you in my thoughts on your Kathy's birthday tomorrow. Mike

Hi, Cheryl It has been a crying kind of weekend for me, too. I can only imagine how it made you feel to receive the honorary diploma for Dale. That was such a sweet gesture on the part of the college and I am sure I would have cried, too. Dale most certainly would be proud of you! I wish you strength in the days ahead. Mike

Cheryl, I have the same feelings of obligation and appreciation toward my employer, too. When my wife was so ill last spring they were very accommodating - letting me rearrange my class times so I could get home by noon to be with her, missing work when I needed to, and so on. That is the main reason I am back at it this fall (instead of joining the ranks of the retired). As Mary Linda says, go with your heart and gut feelings and you'll likely make the right decision. Mike

Happy Birthday, John! :D

Congratulations, Gail! My wife wanted grandkids, too, but none so far. I hope mom and baby are doing well!

Vickie, I am usually worn out by the end of the day, and sometimes long before the end of the day. I don't think that it is necessarily because I am weaker. I tend to agree with Leeann - dealing with grief takes strength. To get through the "normal" stuff during the day AND deal with our loss every minute of the day while trying to appear outwardly like we are doing okay is very wearying. Hang in there. Mike

For the last week I have noticed that I have been crying much less than usual. In fact, I had even gone for a couple of days without crying at all. Wednesdays are usually pretty sad for me because Janet died on a Wednesday night. This past Wednesday marked the 10th week since her death and I teared up a couple of times, but I didn't experience any sobbing. I was even able to look at photos of her and have fond, warm memories instead of the usual sadness come over me. So, after my last class today I was driving home. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon, I was looking forward to the weekend off, and listening to NPR news on the radio. They were discussing tropical storm Hanna and suddenly out of nowhere I was overwhelmed with sadness and started crying my eyes out. I cried for most of the way home (about a 40 minute drive) and then a lot more after I got home. I just started missing Janet so much! I have no idea what triggered this, except that maybe it had been gradually building up and reached the point where it had to come out. Plus, I have not had much sleep this week. Maybe I was also subconsciously thinking about going home and not seeing Janet there. I don't know. So anyway, it is almost 8:00 on a Friday evening, I am here by myself and feeling so alone. I feel out of synch and out of touch with the rest of the world, like I don't belong here at all. Maybe if I could catch up on my sleep I would feel better. Sorry to burden you all with this, but I needed to tell somebody who would understand. Mike

I have had maybe two "good night's sleep" since March. That was when Janet started hospice care. At that time they had not quite gotten her pain (nor nausea) under control, so we were up during the night dealing with that. Later, after the pain was under control she had to have anti-nausea medicine every 3 hours, so sleeping through the night was not an option. Since her death in June I have not slept well. I fall asleep without much trouble, but I always wake up during the night and have trouble going back to sleep. Those are the times when I miss Janet the most. The only upside to this crazy sleep pattern is that the dreams that I have had about Janet have occurred when I have laid awake for a long time and then fallen back to sleep a little while before I have to get up for work. Night before last I went to bed at 10:00 pm, but woke up at 12:08 and remained awake until some time after 3:30. My alarm is set for 4:30. Last night I got to sleep at 12:30 and slept until the alarm woke me. I am really dragging today. I don't take any kind of sleep aid, but I'm thinking about trying melatonin.

Kathy, I am so sorry Bill's family have turned their backs on you like that. I don't understand how people can be so cold and heartless, especially at a time when they are really needed. I have had some "friends" drop out of sight, but so far I have had an excellent relationship with Janet's family. I hope it stays that way, but I guess you never know what can happen. Take care, Kathy. Mike

Mary Linda, I think visiting your friend was the right thing to do, too. A long time ago I postponed visiting a dying friend until it was too late, and I really regretted it. I'll be pulling for Paul!

I have not been sleeping well since Janet's death, and dreams that I remember have been few and far between. Before last night I remember having 2 dreams in which Janet appeared. In each case, she was some distance away from me and I could not talk to her or hear her speak. I have been wishing to have a dream in which we had contact, and last night my wish came true! I woke up at about 2:30 this morning and lay awake in bed for a while before falling back to sleep. This is when I had a very vivid dream with a lot of action and some erotic content, none of which directly involved me or Janet, so I'll skip to the end, where she appeared. I was with my friend Joe, who lost his wife to lymphoma a few months before Janet was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We were cleaning up a large room after a wild party at a river rafting establishment. After I was finished sweeping up, I went through a door into a small room. There was Janet! She was dressed in shorts and a light sleeveless blouse. Her arms were a little plumper than at anytime during our marriage, but she was not overweight. She looked so happy, healthy and pretty! She asked about breakfast and I told her we weren't planning to eat, unless she was hungry. She said, "I am starving." so I said I would fix her an omelet with diced red peppers. She exclaimed, "Good, I love those!" I am so happy today after getting to "see" her, especially in a state of good health, and hear her voice. I just had to share this with you guys! Mike

Walt, I've asked similar questions and I guess there is no answer. My dad figured to die before my mother. She ate healthy meals and took care of herself. He stressed and worried over things. He outlived her by 10 years. My wife's maternal grandparents lived to be 95. She had 2 great uncles who lived past 100. Her parents lived into their 80s. On the other hand, my three older brothers died young, one at age 31 and the others in their late 50s. So what happens? My wife dies at age 59 and I'm still here. I can think of no reason that justifies her death. So apparently there is no reason why - just randomness, I guess. On the brighter side, I consider myself to be the luckiest man in the world because of the random events that brought Janet and me together, and that I was the one she chose to be her husband and sweetheart. Take care, Walt. Mike

Cheryl, I am sorry you have been forced onto this lonely road. I lost my wife to cancer this summer, too. One of the very few good things that has happened to me since her death was finding this forum. It is an amazing source of help, hope, and comfort. Unlike the community where I live, everybody in this community understands the pain and emptiness I am feeling. You have found a good place - welcome. Mike

Patty Ann, your words speak right to my soul. I am experiencing everything you describe: friends who don't really comprehend the depth of my loss, the sense of being "half a soul", and feeling so fortunate that I was loved so dearly by such a wonderful woman. I so miss being loved by her. I will hold you and your Walter in my thoughts tonight. Peace be with you. Mike

John, your poem goes right to the heard what saddens me the most - all the years I will be without Janet and all the dreams she will not have fulfilled. Some time back I was going through some of our papers and came across cards I had saved. On my 50th birthday she gave me a card with lines from a Robert Browning poem: Grow old with me The best is yet to be More than anything I wanted us to grow old together, to enjoy retirement, to play with grandchildren. Janet wanted grandchildren so badly. I am so utterly sad that she never had the chance to enjoy these things. Thanks for your poem. Mike