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Thank you very much Erica and may we all find more peace in the year ahead. If God brought us to it,He will bring us through it. He just didn't say how hard it would be. But on the other hand we all loved them enough to set them free.

I want to start a list of the couples here...I could name many of them but don't want to leave anyone out, so please add your name and the name of the spouse you lost...I want to pray for each of you in this new year. Kay and George Erica and Walter Scott and Kate Tom and Mary Linda

I lost my husband the most recently but I talk to him and my dad all the time. I ask them questions even though I know I won't get a reply. I know they were both laughing at my grandson in a basketball game because when he tried to bounce the ball out of bounds off the other player it hit so hard it landed right back up in his arms and he had the funniest look on his face. It's nice to think of them laughing too. I ask Tom to put his arms around me when I'm really upset and sometimes I feel this warmth on my upper arms and I really feel he is holding me. Just talk to your dad and he may whisper back in some way.

Here it is another night of almost 3AM and I'm still not asleep, but it doesn't look like I'm the only one. True love is love and it does not matter if you are straight , gay, Caucasian, Eurasian, Martian or anything else. Dusky, I want you to know that I read your posts for probably a couple of months when I first came on here and then all the sudden the light bulb went on that you were gay. All I saw was someone so in love, that was hurting. I have several gay friends and get so upset when people talk negatively about them. I do not like heterosexual people hanging all over each other any better than I do gays and I think that is the only vision some people have of gay people. I think they get a bad wrap and Ann I think it is wonderful that you can still feel this caring love that you do. Kay, your friend just needs to keep her mouth shut and leave you alone. She has no idea what you felt for John. I don't know if this is the lady that was having parties( I think it was you that posted about that) or what but as long as you are functioning and not just sitting in a fetal position you are trying to overcome your new grief. I guess some people can turn emotions off but some of us can't. I know in my grief support some of them said they never had let their loved ones see them cry. That they went on day to day like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Tom would have known that was a big fat lie anyway, because he knows how emotional I am. You can look at the glass as have empty or half full but it's still just a partial glass of whatever. In other words we are never all going to agree on somethings so if she is a true friend she will just accept the fact that you are going to disagree on this and support you no matter what. Well, I'd better quit babbling again and try to get some sleep before the alarm goes off.

I know what you mean about the birthday thing. I turned 60 thirty-five days after Tom died. I had several surpise parties for him and he had so wanted to surprise me this time. Well, he surprised me all right but not in the way I would have liked. I did spend it with my girls and their families quietly. I hope you can find some peace and happiness on Friday.

Don't you know if you stick your head in the sand and don't see anything then it didn't happen. If you mention their name you have to acknowledge that they lived. Even our marriage vows say until death do us part. I'm sorry but I'm still married to Tom with my whole heart and death cannot rob me of that. I wanted to do something so much to acknowledge him through the holidays but everyone else seemed too sad about it so I had to just have my own little talk to him about him. If people don't let us talk and cry without feeling guilty, how will we ever get over this?

Saw that it was your birthday and wanted to make sure that you knew that you were thought of on this day. There is a saying that says birthdays are a day for reflection... to celebrate who you are and who you will become. I know that is hard for those of us on here but hope you can enjoy all the love and affection that will come your way today. You deserve the best.

Can you at least put his things in plastic totes away from where you see them all the time? I just wish I could help you and Wendy but it's something that you just have to get through like the loss of George and Steve. I know I told a friend who was trying to console me, that she had basically gone through the same thing when her husband of 40 years walked out on her for another woman. She thanked me because she said nobody ever realizes that. I said and the bad part of it is that you have to see them once in a while. I can't begin to imagine what that is like (just like you and John). I had posted on one of the forums that sometimes we forget that there are other things to grieve over other than the loss of a loved one and I don't think sometmes that we tend to look at people who might be grieving this way. Good luck to you and Wendy.

I can't believe she had the nerve to call you and I'm assuming he was there also. Were they drunk, high on something or just down right mean. I love you to pieces but even though you still have some feelings for him I'll be glad when he physically, financially has no more hold on you. Maybe then you can forget how cruel he has been to you and move on. I know I am sounding like your "friends" right now but that sentence about the call infuriated me. Yes, I think there are things much worse that being alone. Being in an unloving relationship I think would be one of the absolute worse situations, especially since you know from George how it is suppose to be. There is a lady I know whose husband dropped dead while we were calling him from the Dr's appt. She did not leave her house for over 4 months. Her kids would bring her in some food and she said she did little but lay in bed. Then her daughter and one of her friends came up with a plan that the friend's dad (who was a widower) would call her and ask her out for supper. The deal was that it was only dinner. Today I know it's over 5 years since they started this. He also helps her with some yard work and she helps him with painting and they still go out some for supper but is still a Platonic relationship. Maybe you'll be able to find something like that this time as I know or at least hope your heart is going to be a little more cautious. Just keep plugging away and I know from your posts that you WILL make it. ((((((())))))))

I am so glad you had at least a half way decent Christmas. No it does not mean that you are being selfish by focusing on your grief, but sometimes you might tell your sons that you realize how much they must miss their dad too. Maybe you could all talk about the things you miss and help each other through that. I know a part of how big that hole in your heart is. Tom and I were only married 37 years but the hole feels like 100 years worth. It sounds like you took a big step the other day. I know I have a friend who said finally after the 3rd anniversary she could get through the day without crying all the time. She was like our Kim on the website and only about 40 when her husband died. I keep meaning to email you and ask, Do you make all of the pieces that you sell? I got on line and they are beautiful. I tried to figure out prices but couldn't because it kept telling that they don't use dr any more that it is Euros. Maybe there is a more current website because I think the one I was using is several years old. Keep taking care of yourself. Your friend

You have to remember that after your mother died, you still had your dad. Now in a way, maybe without even knowing it, you feel like an orphan. I know one of the things that bothered me the most after my dad died was that I couldn't do anything or give him anythig any more. But I can pass on his legacy and even though my grandkids never got to meet him I will say something like that's just what Papa would have done or you act just like Papa so they kind of get a feeling for who he was. Please don't block your husband and daughter out, especially if they are asking you to talk with them. So many of us here would die to have someone ask us that. If you cry then so be it. Hopefully they will be there to help and support you. And yes, you probably feel weak both physically and emotionally because you ARE. Grief is harder than most any job you will ever have. If you have to let family help you with the physical part of surviving then do it. Get carry out if noone feels like cooking. The dirt will be there tomorrow so take a rest. There probably isn't one person on these boards that doesn't feel that there was something else we should have done. I don't know why we do this to ourselves, probably out of the feeling of helplessness, but the fact is when death is near there isn't anything we can do to change that. I call it the Coulda, Woulda,Shoulda sydrome and I wish there was a cure but I don't think so. I think from what I have read you finally at some point (if we don't die of a broken heart first) you learn to accept that you did all you could. Just try to think about your dad in heaven dancing with your mom or walking along the beach that means so much to you and someday you will be there too and someone you have left behind will be going through the same thing you are. It is all part of the circle of life even if it sucks. I hope some of this helps but especially don't close out the people who truly love you.

Kay Your friend must have a lot more friends or "users" than the rest of us because most of us feel like lepers. Nobody wants to be around us. Yes, I have had a couple cookouts this summer including one for my grief support group but the thing that bothered me about them is noone wanted to mention Tom's name. It's like if you put your head in the sand it will all go away, but it won't, and not mentioning him makes me feel worse. Sd2 I do sit and smell one pillow that still has his scent, but sometimes I feel like it makes my hole in my heart even bigger because I miss the smell, the touch, the kiss, etc. I still sleep with the pillow that was under his head when he died. It will soon be a year and the same pillowcase is on it. I just put a clean one on top of it. Even though it has lost a lot of it's smell it I heat it with the blow dryer some of it comes back. Eloquent Dusky I loved your poem and it is so true only ours just seemed to be the grass growing taller and mowing every day. Everyone here Will we ever again know what is normal. We all have to develop new normals but what is that? I guess we just keep plugging along and one day it will have happened and we don't even realize it. As far as strangers go our respective spouses were at one time "strangers" and what if we hadn't taken the risk with them. Yes, I think there are possible dangers in posting things but I can't imagine anyone wanting to come to our level of hurt just to do something mean to us. I think each of us has thought about leaving at some time but if one phrase, one hug, helps someone get through this, then it's like Fred said the other day, How do you leave?

Elle, None of us can tell you when it will get better and I don't know if that is the right word. Maybe easier is a better word. I don't mean to bring you down even more, but it probably took me almost 10 years before things got a lot better after my dad died. For one thing I had some resentment issues with my brother but it took me that long to realize we each grieve in our own way and the things he did were his problem not mine and he had to live with that. I don't know how many articles you have read about the "caregiver" but most will tell you to take care of yourself. Well that may be the perfect thing to do but not usually very practical. We are so intent about our loved one, that our well being other than staying well so they don't get something from us, is the furthest thing from our minds. The longer it goes on the more physically and emotionally spent we are. Then when it is all over we not only have the grief hole in our hearts, but we have a physical vacancy too. We don't know what to do with ourselves and wander aimlessly. My work has helped fill part of this latter void, but when I come home at night there are sometime weeks that I just wander aimlessly from task to task and don't finish any of them. My house has been cluttered before but not dirty but it got pretty bad, but I didn't really care. Nobody was coming to see me any way. I have a pillow that still smells like my husband and I still sit for hours smelling it and crying. My eldest grandson still picks it up when he's over here to smell it. So sitting in your mom's robe is fine. I'm sure you felt like she was holding you while you had it on. Just take care of yourself and take it a breath, a step, an hour, week, month at a time. Try not to look to far in the future right now.

Listen you two, you are BOTH still very worthwhile, loving, caring people and even though this hurts and yes it will leave a scar I don't think for one NEW YORK minute that you be any less of the person you are and were before. Yes, you may be more cautious and less trusting at least for a while but don't you let anyone tell you any different. None of us can tell you how to feel, any more than we could when you lost George and Steve. Only you can develope the time line for this newest grief. Both of you, please be kind to yourselves and like you have told others in previous posts take it a baby step at a time. Love you both.

Tom's birthday was in Nov. When he got sick we had been looking at new vanity tops. He wanted something like Corian that was all one piece. We had picked something out but never got it made because with his chemo, tests etc, it was hard to find time for them to come measure. Then it just didn't seem important. After he died I could have cared less because I seldom use that bathroom anyway. This fall I decided that it was something that was important to him so I ordered it and it was put in about 10 days before his birthday. On his birthday I just sat in there and talked with him and told him I hope he approved. Everytime I go in there I think of him and his counter top. For Christmas I usually donate to certain charities and I also got something for the grave site. So yes people still buy presents, maybe just not the traditional ones you were talking about this year.

I think it is normal. At least you came to this site early on for help. I didn't come for 6 mos and then just mainly just to read. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. I don't know if you were a social person before or not. That would put a different spin on the story. If you were outgoing before maybe if you did just one think a month or quarter even to get you back with people. I find the more people I'm with the better I am, but I have always been very social. Tom was not when we first got married but at one point early on in our marriage he took on a second parttime job at a liquor store. It was probably one of the best things he ever did because it made him come out and become a much different social person. He had only wanted to do things with family before that and then we ventured out in to new friends also. Even though we did most things with his family we still had other friends. Thank heavens for that since his family has pretty much abandoned me. You just have to keep taking baby steps and be comfortable in what you do. If you become too much of a recluse after a while and that is not you then maybe it is time to get professional help. You are just 6 mos in to this and it's no fun. Give yourself some time.

I don't think there is a time line on the "shock". I didn't even realize that I was in shock for probably 6 mos. Then I started thinking back and realized certain things. I really think I did OK at the visitation because I remember if fairly well, especially that I spent most of the night in the bathroom. The funeral is pretty much a big blur. I know there were people there but it was like cardboard people and I really couldn't tell you about anybody other than my immediate family and a most of the pallbearers. I remember seeing their faces when I gave the eulogy. I remember nothing about the meal after other than his family didn't want to celebrate his life the way he had wanted them too. I know it was hard on them too but he said he wanted a big party and a drink on him. The first several months after that are still a fog. I just know every time I had to call someone (insurance, the company he worked for, etc) that I would cry uncontrollably and sometimes even have to call them back. I'm sure they thought I belonged in a loony bin. Even after the car and house insurance came due in July (7 months later) and I had to call about if it was legal to keep his name on the policy I totally lost it. The hospice he had calls every month to see how I'm doing and sometimes I still get very emotional. I guess what I am trying to say is that it has been almost a year and there are some days I still feel I am in shock and just can't accept the whole situation. I don't know if it is that or that the shock has worn off and wants me to accept it and as a hard headed Italian/Irish descendant that I just can't. I don't know that I will ever get over this. I had posted in a different forum about the necklace my daughters got me for Christmas and that is just how I feel. I have this huge hole in my heart and until we are reunited it will remain. Hang in there my young friend. Hopefully the more stable times will become greater for you.

I have to share what my daughters got me for Christmas. It is a beautiful heart shaped necklace with a hole on one side. If you flip it over there is a heart soldered to the back that if you could flip it over the one side would fill the hole in the big heart. It had a poem with it that I will share. I posted on this forum because it is appropriate for anyone with a loss. The Reunion Heart. Since Heaven has become your home I sometimes feel I'm so alone, and though we now are far apart you hold a big piece of my heart. I never knew how much I'd grieve when it was time for you to leave or just how much my heart would ache from that one fragment you would take God lets this tender hole remain reminding me we'll meet again and one day all the pain will cease when He restores this missing piece He'll turn to joy my every tear and when I wear this necklace near it will become my simple way to treasure our Reunion Day. And then at the bottom it said Tom, forever in my heart. Needless to say there were tears over this as there are now but I will always treasure this.

Mike I really enjoyed the pictures. She was a lovely lady even when she was bald. It just feels good to put faces to the people on here too. I'm still not sure how I got my picture on here let alone do what you did.

Dusky, how right you are. The outside world has no clue and doesn't want to. Tom's sister's said they lost their brother and best friend and they need to grieve in their own way and don't I have other friends? I can accept that their grief is different than mine but what do they think I lost, chop liver? He was not just my best friend, lover, father of my children, he was my WHOLE life. I would have died for him. Not one of them has been to my house since we did the thank you notes which was more than 10 months ago. They said they just can't because there are too many memories. I thought he was nuts when 4 months after we had new wills made he wanted a different lawyer to make a new one for him. We get some money from trusts in his family and this lawyer drew up the trusts and he wanted to make sure his family didn't SCREW me. I guess he was looking out for me once again. Enough sadness and griping, hope every one has the best day that they can. Merry Christmas.

Suggestion: Can you move the money out of the account it is in or at least not put any more money in it and close the credit card accounts or have his name taken off the card and get a new number. That way his fat cow would soon run out of milk(I'm not calling you a cow by the way.)

Hi Guys, I'm here too. I went to 8 o'clock Mass to try to break up the evening. Did OK until I came home and I didn't want to come in this empty house. Started cleaning some more but then thought I'd look and see who was here. Hope we all sleep well. Just in case I don't get back on until tomorrow nighte, have a Merry Christmas tomorrow. Love you all.

Em Maybe your dad living another year wasn't a punishment for you, maybe it was so he could go back to his homeland. There was something unfinished that God wanted him to do. Like Deb has said, we all tend to punish and second guess ourselves but the truth is we have NO control over when someone dies. We do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I am a nurse and had I known how much the last medication was going to take out of him and still have the same result I would have encouraged him not to take it. Maybe his quality of life would have been better, but we were grasping at straws trying to do anything we could to get him to be able to live longer. We can blame ourselves or others but what good does it do? Our loved ones would not want us to totally give up our lives. The only time I left Tom the last 3 weeks was to go get something to eat, take a shower, go to church and quickly run to a visitation. He was so upset. Posting here is great, but maybe one on one with just your circumstances involved would do you some good too. The most important thing is, it all takes time and it hasn't been that long. You also have the holidays which add a whole new dimension.Please quit beating yourself up. It is OK to gireve, but not to make yourself a human punching bag.

Kim, My sister-in-law had something wrong with her esophagus and when she was younger had to have it stretched all the time. She lived on soup and ice cream for over 30 years. She was scared to death to try anything else because a piece of bread once got caught when she tried more solid foods. Well , the last year or so she's decided to try again and is eating a few more things like spaghetti, puddings, and I'm not sure what else but at least she can go to a restaurant and eat because before she'd always take her own can of soup because there were only certain ones she would eat for fear somethin in it would choke her. I hope your daughter can get better results that this or at least quicker, but I guess what I'm trying to say is there is hope. I pray for your son and mother in law also, but most of all for you that you can make it through all of this.

I'm another member of this most recent club and if they don't take the Carpenter's song that says the only thing I want is to be with you I"m going to scream. I totally lost it in the middle of the grocery store the other day. I tried to distract myself from it but I could still hear it. I've had some real issues with Tom's family and their Christmas party. They had it catered this year so I even had to pay to sit by myself and eat because they couldn't wait until I got off work. They thought I lost it because he wasn't here but do you think they'd come talk with me? HELL no, they'd rather sit and talk about me. Then sent some very hurtful emails too. I told the one sister that they have tried to get me out of the family for 38 years and they may have just done it. What makes me even more upset is I had bookmarks made for each of them from the flowers at Tom's visitation. I spent about an hour with the lady picking out just the right charm to go on it for each of them and some of them didn't even thank me for them. I just wanted to go grab them out of their hands and take them back but what would I do with 12 book marks. They are the most mean spirited people and are so blind that they can't see it. I was told to just step back and take a breath so I just told them to take a step back and look at how they treat people including their own siblings and put themselves in their shoes. How would they like it? Nobody has said a word since and I don't care. I'm sure the emails are flying around amongst them though. This has to be the worst Christmas ever. Even knowing he was dying last year was better than this because I still had him to hold me. I too feel bad at times when I'm feeling sorry for myself and I look at people like Kim and Jan T who have so many other things going on in their lives. I guess I just have to grow up and quit feeling sorry for myself someday. I think it would be easier if I got support from other people instead of being made to feel like a leper. Enough ranting for now.