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Jenn and Rosemary I don't think God left you here to suffer. I know we all feel tortured and I do think there is something He has in mind even though we don't know what it is. Maybe it is just to find out we have a strength that we didn't know we had. Right now we are all struggling with this great loss we have. Jenn maybe your purpose is to find something to bring you out of your "shell". You have made it this far, keep going. Don't try to take too big of a step. Are your kids in school yet? If so maybe you could volunteer to do something at their school unless you are having to work. Sometimes there are things you can help with at night. Let them be your strength right now. They are so resiliant. Take baby steps with them. You have to be a wonderful person or Eric wouldn't have chosen you. There has to be something there to offer people, just keep looking inside yourself and let it flow freely. Keep coming here and let us help you.

I know this gets away from Kim but Teny, know how sad I know you must be. My first anniversary without Tom was 2 1/2 weeks after he died. It was terrible and I think I was still numb then so I can't imagine this next Feb. I know it says loss of mom but if you'll scroll down to the poetry forum there is a poem that I posted a while back that I really think could apply to anyone. Maybe it will give you some comfort and then go and embrace your family if nothing else.

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear you have been so ill. I thought you hadn't posted because things had maybe gotten better in your life. Now I'm going to be upset when people that were here when I first came aren't doing so well when they don't post for a while. We just can't take things for granted. You said it was a virus so that means antibiotics don't work and it basically has to get better on it's own time. Are you feeling better at all? I'm glad your friends are coming to help you today. I don't remember if you said you worked somewhere or not. From the sounds of it you probably wouldn't have been able to go to work, if you did. This is when it hurts to have "far away friends" as Teny puts it. You know that some of us would be there to help if we could. I hope you recover soon. Rest while you can.

Well, you have my best wishes. I'd say break a leg but I think that is only for acting. I'm sure you will do well, but don't get too discouraged if it's not as good as you think because with the economy the way it is a lot of people have cut back on this type of thing. Just hang in there and if it is meant to be it will come to you. Maybe you'll get new ideas and make new friends also, so that may be God's purpose in this as well. Let us know how it goes.

Oh yes, I know how you feel. I feel bad but I have said that it wouldn't bother me at all if I died. I know I would be with Tom. That being said I wouldn't do anything to harm myself either. Yesterday when I woke this Eric Clapton song came on the radio. After I cried a while I felt like I wanted to get up and dance so I just acted like Tom was there and did exactly that. These words seem to fit how we each feel so well. Hope you enjoy because it's just not OUR time yet. Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven I'll find my way, through night and day Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven Time can bring you down Time can bend your knee Time can break your heart Have you begging please Begging please Beyond the door There's peace I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more... Tears in heaven Would you know my name If I saw you in heaven Will it be the same If I saw you in heaven I must be strong, and carry on Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven Cause I know I don't belong Here in heaven

My situation is so different from everyone else's. Tom hated Thanksgiving beccause he didn't like any of the "traditional" food, but we were always with a lot of his family. This year they've decided not to get together because seveal of them had other things to do. He also hated all the deoorating and shopping for Christmas. He was a real Scrooge. I love it and loved to go over board just to aggravate him. Now I can't get excited about it, which you would think I would because he isn't here to grumble. I think that is part of it. I think a small part of my loving it was aggravating him, just to tease him because we teased each other a lot. Just sitting here typing it feels like someone just shot a cannonball through my chest and the eyes are filling with tears. I can't imagine what it is going to be like once the days get here.

I can only say "ditto" to the things that have been said here. In a little less than 2 weeks I will be 10 months out and like you there are days that I feel it is actually worse than the day that he died and the next few days. I think then I was numb and now I'm not. Like Rosemary said, it may even get worse before it gets better. You will have sudden moments when you want to scream, nobody wants to be around you because you cry, you have to have a notebook to keep things straight because you just can't think and then there is the no sleep thing. You'll have lots of could of, should of, would of, in only's. Just go with them. Hopefully between work and your children you can keep yourself occupied but like most of us the nights are oh, so lonely. Just remember to take care of yourself too, even if it is just a hot bath. The people here are very supportive and there is nothing that you can't say. Know that there are lots of hugs here.

I don't think there is anybody but you that can make that decision. None of us know your financial matters and family situation. I do know of family's that have had a lot of trouble after a second marriage because the children from the first marriage got nothing, it all went to the wife/husband's children. You can protect those you love with trusts too. Maybe you need to talk with a lawyer. If there aren't other people involved I never could quite understand why people needed one, if they truly love the person they shouldn't have to worry about it but I've never had enough money to worry about. Good luck in your decision

Today I had a beer & wine tasting benefit in memory of Tom. The weather was absolutely beautiful. I hope he was looking down and smiling. So far we have earned over $3500 for pancreatic cancer research. I have often said I don't know what my purpose to stay here was but I hope that if it was this that he is proud.

I will be praying even mor for you this weekend my far away friend. I got an email today with 2 pretty good sentences that may give you something to ponder over and maybe bring you some peace. The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. I know we all think our loved one was the "best" but is there possibly something else if we just open ourselves to it. Maybe it is just in remembering the special things with no additional hurt. I only hope that someday we will understand.

Since Dragonlady first posted, I have been looking for this poem. I have printed it off and put it in a frame for several people who have lost their moms. Sometimes I change the word mother and put the persons name. I hope this may help someone get through a bad day. Loss of Mother Now that I am gone, Remember me with a smile and laughter. And if you need to cry, cry with your brothers and sisters who walk in grief beside you. And when you need me, put your arms around anyone and give to them what you need to give to me. There are so many people who need so much. I want to leave you something--- Something much better than word or sounds Look for me in the people I've known or helped in some special way. Let me live in you heart as well as in your mind. You can love me most by letting your love reach out to our loved ones, by embracing them and living in their love. Love does not die, people do. So, when all that's left of me is love, give me away as best you can. Author unknown.

Please pray for my friend Brenda who has entered our journey as of Sun. night. I spoke with her on the phone and I think of many posts here. I told her this journey is only beginning. She had asked that donations be given to Hospice of the Valley because they had cared for Danny. While talking with her I told her that this website had been part of my salvation -even though I'm far from being over this. She had no idea about this part of it. I hope she will visit us because I know you will all help her through it.

Rosemary, I know that each of us grieves in our own way, but your friend sounds cruel. I had a hard time when Tom died because a couple of years ago he gained some weight and his wedding band (which was a wide one) got tight and his finger started to breakout and crack so I got him a little bigger and more narrow. The original one had 2-6-71 to eternity inscribed in it and I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep that one or bury him in it. I asked my girls and they said it had to be my decision, so I decided that when we took our vows they were for eternity so that was the one that should be with him forever. I wore the other ring around my neck on a chain and was worried I would lose it so I had it cut down to fit me and I now wear it under my wedding band. I touch it most days and tell him that we are together for forever and this is to remind me of that (like I need a reminder). It has been 9 mos for me and I cannot imagine ever taking these rings off. I also have his clothes in my closet except for the few that I gave to a homeless shelter ( a few t-shirts, tennis shoes). I'll tell you something else that really upsets me is when you fill out forms that only give the option of single, married, divorced. I mark married. If they had widowed I would mark that,but I am still married to him. I hope you and Corinne find some peace as well as everyone else here.

Fred, I think the most important thing is not to push it. If it is meant to be it will come. I think sometimes people are so "hungry" for the attention we miss that they try to hurry things along and scare people away. I haven't even begun to think about anything like this but at some point I am sure that I too would just like to have a night of companionship. I have a friend who in the second year started dating one of her daughter's high school friends dad who was also widowed. They go out to eat once in a while and he helps her sometimes with her yard and stuff. Before he came along she would barely leave the house, so it has been very good for her. Just keep looking and when/if the right person comes along you will know it. I'm sure Jersey has lots of eligible women. Like we told Karenb though be careful because there are some not too nice people out there too. I know men can take a little better care of themselves physically but you have to watch for the emotions too.

What a lovely tribute. I'm sure Bob is proud of you.

I didn;t mean to minimize your grief in any way. The loss of a parent and I'm sure a sibiling is still terrible. I lost my father 18 years ago and had a really hard time with it and missed him enormously until all this happened with Tom. Now when I talk to him I tell him how sorry I am that I have put him on the back burner so to speak because I cannot get over my new grief. I'm sorry that people have deserted you so to speak by not calling or coming to see you. I know how much it hurts but what I found was I WAS NOT going to let them get me down and that is when I joined a support group and found new friends who understand my sorrow. Sometimes we laugh together and sometimes we cry but we are always there for each other. By the way, I forgot to tell you that I thought it was so lovely the way they presented your mom (being dressed and holding flowers) instead of just in bed with a sheet over her. I don't know if that is a tradition there or not but think every place should consider it. If you haven't found her while looking at past posts, we have a friend here called Teny and she can probably relate to some things that the rest of us can't that you may encounter because she too is from a far away country (Greece). I'm sure she would love it if you emailed her.

KayC I am sure you are not the only one to have made these "mistakes". You are just one of the few that is willing to share them with other people in hopes they don't make the same mistake and maybe that is why you were the chosen one for them. Maybe that is part of your purpose in life and I am sorry if that is so that you have to go through it for the rest of us to learn. Please keep sharing with us "oldies" and all the newbies.

I am so sorry for your loss but glad you came here. This has been the best thing for me. I have a friend whose husb died of the same thing. We share a b'day and he died on our b'day. She is upset however becuase I stood by her while Garry fought his battle for almost 2 years and my husband died before hers. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair but like I told her she didn't chose this and neither did you. I keep telling myself that I'm no better than anyone else and why not me but it still really hurts. Know that we are here day and night a lot of times because you see we all have trouble sleeping. Keep posting and let us help you through it.

I think everything you are feeling is very normal,especially the sleeplessness. If you will go th the loss of spouse forum and go to Sept 3rd? and read the thread "In the middle of the night" I think you'll find there are a lot of us here who don't sleep. It has been 9 mos for me and still have a lot of hard times sleeping. Right now I'm so exhausted with work, taking care of my mom (she just had open heart surg) and working on a benefit that I'm having in Tom's memory that I am sleeping all night but I still wake tired. When you talked about them not finding you mom's cancer sooner, sometimes I think it just isn't meant to be. We had a 32 y/o pt. who we had basically put through HELL for almost a year. She had always been kind of the little boy who cries wolf person, but we kept persuing her symptoms. Then all of the sudden on a CT scan ovarian cancer that had spread showed up. 4 mos earlier her CT was perfectly fine. So I don't mean to be trite and believe me I've had a hard time with a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer and why weren't there symptoms earlier, but something I'm sure you're tired of hearing is it was in God's hands and we can't change it and usually when we really think about it we wouldn't want to because that means they would have to suffer. We are all a little selfish in this respect because we are hurting so much we want them back no matter what, but is that fair to them? I am so glad you had the chance to get close to your mom again. You will never regret that. As far as your stepdad goes, some people just cannot handle watching the person they love dwindle away. They can't take the distance in their eyes and their suffering, but it doesn't mean that they don't love them. Each person handles grief in their own way and we can't force our way on them. Some people can't touch someone they know is dying - like it will make them die too. Even though they weren't married all those years, I am sure he loved her like a wife and believe me those of us who have lost spouses will tell you that there is nothing worse unless it would be to lose a child and I hope I never have to find that out. Just take your time and don't be so hard on yourself. There are people who are 3 years + out and are stll having "bad times". If your bf cannot be supportive maybe it's time to look elsewhere. Do you have grief support groups over there? There are differecnt kinds in the states and you just have to find what fits you best. I hope you find some answers and peace. Keep bringing your problems here and the people here will try to help you.

You'll be surprised how much just typing it out will help. Between the tears and nobody judging you, it is a great release. I'm sorry you lost such a good friend and everyone here will tell you it just sucks. That's why you take it a minute at a time until you can stretch it to an hour and then farther. Besides writing here the funeral home we used has a guestbook and as long as you like apparently they'll keep it open so my daughters and I use it often as a place to talk to Tom. I talk to him all the time but putting it down in writing sometimes really helps. I know you will get lots of hugs from the people here even if they don't reply. Come back often and I hope your husband is supporting you too, since he can give you that physical hug.

You are certainly not alone. I had "given up" most of my friends for Tom because they didn't smoke and he felt uncomfortable going out to have a smoke so we basically hung out with his family (he was the oldest of 12). I had told him before he died that I didn't want him to be sad because once he was gone the "bond" to them would be gone. He could see it coming too and was so sad. They will still ask me to Sun. breakfast and to a spaghetti supper at our local KC once a month (they know I'll be there anyway), but no phone calls, very few emails. Right now I am working on a benefit in Tom's memory and asked if they could help and only 2 volunteered. The others want to "enjoy" the wine tasting. MY God!!!!!!!! This was their brother who they supposedly loved so much and the proceeds go towards finding a test to detect the pancreatic cancer he died from and they could too. Is it too much to ask for 1 or 2 hours? People I've known less than a year are helping but not them. I have a friend who lost her husband 2 mos after Tom and I have stopped by, called, emailed with very little response. I know she has a lot more on her plate because she's having to decide whether to keep their farm or not but I'd be glad to listen, but she doesn't call. Basically my closest friends are the ones I have from my grief support and several of us have started going out socially. We can cry or get tearful and not be judged. Their is one woman we do get aggravated at because she always asks our permission to be sad. We told her she doesn't need anybody's permission. She lost her mom and she has a right to be sad. I'm sorry your church isn't supportive either, especially since you have been for other members. That is one thing I am going to try to get started in our church because as far as I know, other than fixing the funeral meal there is no support. What part of the country do you live in? I had found that Jan and I had several things in common and it would be nice to visit but we live half a country apart, but maybe someday we'll meet. I've rambled long enough but hope you will find some happiness soon.

I think Marty is right because if we believe that heaven is a place of eternal peace and happiness, it couldn't mean that they are sad.

How sad that you have had to go through this twice and yet how good that you loved your stepmom so much. So many people do not have good relationships with their "steps". I have been through 2 situations similar to what you talk about. One was with my grandmother. She had as far back as I can remember said she wanted to be cremated. My mom said she just couldn't do it. I told her that this was her last wish and whether we liked it or not I thought she should and she eventually did. The other was an older man that had been a pt. of mine and his son and daughter in law had both been POW's and were sterilized so they never were able to have children. When Tom and I got married he kind of adopted us as his grandchildren and we helped him and visited him. He had told us certain things he wanted us to have and even went so far as to put our names on them. We had told him we didn't feel we should get anything because we were not "real" family. He had put everything in writing about how he wanted his funeral (songs, readings, pallbearers, etc). When the time came his son did not honor his wishes and even had the funeral director call us and tell us we were not welcome at the visitation or services. I hated it but we respected his wishes. I think he thought we were trying to take advantage or was upset because it was like throwing up in their faces that they couldn't have children. Some people are just cruel and we have to accept them for what they are. You know the old saying, "What goes around, comes around". You did get through it the first time so I hope you will find strength in that. I am concerned by your comment about after your dad passes. I hope you will keep coming here and letting us help you. If you go back and look at other posts you will see most of us have posted about a lot of the same things you are talking about. We will help you all we can but you have to help us help you. Stay in touch.

We were talking about this at a cook out the other night and I am so jealous of all of you. At first I thought I could feel the warmth of him hold my upper arms , but have never had a dream or anything else. It wa the same way with my dad. He has been gone 18 years and I've never had so much as a dream about him. I'm happy for all of you, but feel left out at the same time.

Sometimes I think he thought I had lost my mind. But I think that was part of the fun of our marriage. He never quite knew what to espect from me.