Maylissa

Teny, that is absolutely wonderful news! What a great step you took for yourself! And I'm SO pleased to hear you're trying some energetic-type healing method for yourself, rather than just resorting to drugs or even just the standard cognitive behavioral therapy. And if EMDR doesn't quite do it for you, there are still things like SRT therapy, TFT therapy or any number of other newer types that all seem to show great results for many people. There are countless ways and methods of healing that are now available on the planet, some of which you don't even have to be in the same location in order for them to work. Even if it takes a little while to see any great change inside with EMDR, I hope you can hang in there with it long enough to see if it gives you any measure of relief, simply because any is better than none. But mostly I'd just like to say.....WAY TO GO, TENY! It's a good, solid start and I'm so pleased that you took this important step!

I'm not sure what I might do on Sept.14 for the designated U.S. Pet Memorial Day. Perhaps finally have the courage to view a few more of my girl's final videos...which I haven't been able to bring myself to do so far? But even if I do nothing special, I'll be remembering her, just as I do every single day, whether it's a 'special' day or not.

To all of you here and your responses during this discussion -- Here, here!!!" It was just what I needed to see, coming up to the 2 Year mark of my hardest loss. Thanks to all of you for seeing past the trumped-up nonsense of this article (which I haven't even read, but can WELL imagine...more drug-pushing and minimizing...ugh!) and making FAR more sense than certain 'experts' ever do! Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.

rameyw, From my end, thank-you for all you said....the whole thing! (I never consider such 'conversation' "rambling") I couldn't be gladder that you wrote all that you did and can relate, easily, to all you speak of. I feel for your continuing pain, as well as feel pretty much the same myself, and wonder the same thing about where am I going to be and what am I going to be saying (to the AIR, though, I imagine, and not to the numerous insensitive types that abound ) when I'm old and grey....unless my kids have come back to me to relieve the pain and SHOW me more of the power of continuing life, as I hope to experience. So what's NOT to believe???! Form makes no difference to a being's essence and all they need is another willing soul to meld with for awhile in order to let us know they're still with us at the same time as they're in another realm. Frankly, I'd LOVE to be there with you when Girdi does Maria-like things, with you to explain them all in detail to me! What another lovely cross-species experience that would be to add to the books! I KNOW I'm not crazy and neither are you, or any of us who've been so open and hence blessed to enter into these higher levels of communion with other species. In fact, like many others interested in the so-called 'mystical', holistic, animal and healing fields, I think we're among the sanest humans on the planet at this time, and will be among the leaders into the future of human evolution coming upon us so quickly now. Someday our extreme pain of today will serve one of the highest functions we've ever seen on this planet, and while I'd love to leave here right NOW, I'd also 'die' happier if I hung on and could later see at least some of the effects of such evolved thinking/feeling/reconnection in future. For myself, we've just (finally) laid our cherished girl to rest...I just haven't dared write about it here. But I've been thrown back into 'refreshed' grief over her again, and can only feel a bit of comfort from the fact that I finally paid great tribute and honour to the massive Beingness that she was here in physical form, and still is in her new realm. You might also be interested to know that, during part of my initial forays into the animal communication fields, I've utilized one of my teacher's main guides....who is an Andalusian stallion, and is now what this teacher considers to be an Ascended Equine Master, for lack of a better term. He's her main Guide in her work with animals. I myself had an immediate, powerful and unsolicited connection to him during one exercise, where his very real presence was validated by my teacher as being "just like him", down to details. He helps guide people in communicating with animals and although I'll never meet him in the physical, I certainly bonded with him and have come to love and respect his essence in very short order. Your pics of your kids AND bracelet are wonderful! Such lovely Beings, both and a fabulous way to carry Maria with you! Wish I could do the same with my kids' fur, but it's too delicate for that. What's up with the 'cape' on Girdi? Is that for the cold, or a health condition? It reminds me of the 'capes' Sabin used to like us to put on him (plastic grocery bags, with his head through the handles) so he could terrorize his sister and play "UBERcat" or "SUUUUPERSabin" (no, we didn't let him terrorize her for more than a couple of minutes at a time...and she really didn't mind much anyway), or use them to go out in the rain and not get wet. I'm very glad you posted, as it was just what I needed right now to restore some of my very-battered faith in 'meeting' others of the same ilk, who also REALLY understand how hard and long-lived such grief can be. It doesn't fill the gaping chasm that the physical loss of my girl left me with, but it DOES help fill the sinkhole of ignorance I've been so unhappily subjected to since her transition, and that's something I've very grateful for. So while I'm of course so sorry that your pain lives on as it does, it also does wonders for me to listen to others who are like ME in that respect, too. May we both just BE as and who we just ARE and recognize the value of that for what it brings into this world. Many (((((HUGS))))) back, Maylissa

The very most I can muster at this point is accepting what already IS in this situation, and doing the same with my feelings that just ARE what they are in each moment of the ever-present NOW, or as DesertBob put it, "To acknowledge and sit with the tension between what is and what ought to be." However, these exact principles are a huge part of my struggle, directly because they did not appear to work as claimed (more on that below). Of course we all have our share of challenges, I'm just tired of my particular challenges usually being too bizarre, 'out there' and outrageous for anyone to even relate to. When even others are stunned by their outrageousness, how do you think that makes the one who's directly affected by them feel? I remember a movie a bunch of us watched in our 20's, a really bizarre and highly disturbing movie starring Dennis Hopper. After all this weirdness, violence and creepiness, at the somewhat 'happier' end, as we sat in rather stunned silence, one witty guy in our group dryly quipped, "And then they all went on to live nice, normal lives....." and we all howled with laughter, knowing even at that tender young age what a pipe dream that would have been for anyone actually involved in what was portrayed. I never forgot that comment, nor how hard I laughed, because, unbeknownst to anyone else there, I'd already lived through some pretty horrid stuff myself, and could highly relate. But then, as now, I was left with feeling different (and not in the 'good' way), among a whole host of other things. In case I'd missed something in my pondering to date, I asked my husband if HE could see anything, anything at all, that was positive about or in either situation so far, and no, he couldn't. So now I have to ask....what is "positive" about either situation as it stands now, from which I'm supposed to extract something from? I don't think you can, on one hand, say stuff "just happens" and on the other hand say that thinking either +tively or -tively draws like to like. It's got to be one way or the other and not BOTH such universal laws can be equally true or in operation. I had been going along, "trying to find some joy" in whatever was presenting, and was actually feeling actively grateful for a number of things (mirroring that idea that gratitude helps draw more to be grateful for to you), most esp. for my feline girlfriend's presence in my life. So I was not expecting to suddenly draw forth such negative events into my life, and certainly most particularly not one that was directly related to an area where I'd been experiencing so much gratefulness. And now, she is suddenly gone and for all I know, suffering or dead. I cannot explain why her 'owner' chose to rip her from her home and family (such as it was) (and from me, her dear friend) and either dump her somewhere, give her away, or possibly even pay a vet to have her murdered for convenience. I was not only trying to DO some good (for at least this cat), plus take some good, but had progressed over time, myself, to that point of utter gratitude. There was no negativity or opposing thought in my mind regarding her, or (at the time) even regarding her 'owner', whom I'd come to accept as being who she was going to be, even if I didn't agree with her perspectives. I was actively working with what was and all seemed pretty copacetic. I have NO idea what changed. But she is still gone now. What is positive about any of that? This has now caused negativity, where there'd been none before. I can't explain this. In context, can anyone? As for the family stuff, while I could point to not having the same amount of peacefulness surrounding them preceding these events as a possible cause of what transpired, the events themselves still seem drastically more extreme in nature than any negative thoughts and feelings I may have had about them by then. In fact, I've tried to barely think of my family at all, if I could help it, to help avoid negativity. So it still doesn't seem right that so MUCH negativity could have been drawn to the whole situation, at least not by ME. Don't forget, I was expecting to get called if and when, so wasn't even fretting about it, but only biding time by "trying to find some joy" in other things. None of this seems to make any sense according to those laws, which is what is causing so much frustration for me and is also a large part of my losing faith in such things right now. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And thank you, Lori, for still being around and responding, as well as for having such a "normal" response, as compared to so many others in my current circle. I've not even had the time or strength to read anything much here in so long, so I hope you're doing way better than I am lately.

Thank you, Marty, for your always-tender words and sentiments. Yes, I've been getting a lot of that lately. Everything is so bizarre that no one, not even those (few) who know me personally, really know what to say to me. Unfortunately, it also means most everyone is backing away, as no one wants to have anything to do with such trauma, even if it's not theirs. This, of course, leaves me once again more alone when I'm in the most need of support. I tried to get this outside of this forum, but alas, that hasn't worked out very well. And I haven't been able to recently lend any support myself, for pretty much the first time in my life. I'd (foolishly?) thought that maybe it was actually and finally time that I'd be able to more fully rest in others' 'arms' and not be the one always giving out/back, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I just don't have anything left much inside right now to give, and I hope that's understandable and acceptable, at least to the GH family. I just feel totally broken in spirit. I also don't really expect anyone to "help" in the sense of telling me what I might do....well, unless by some 'miracle', they've had the same experience too....no, not expecting that's the case, either; probably one in a million, such bizarreness. I just need sympathy and understanding of my feelings, as that's always the most important thing, along with willing ears to listen. I'm just ever so tired of getting 'blamed' for what others do. (someone I thought was a friend pretty much said this to me this week, and also seemed to think I ought to be feeling GUILTY for not having any good feelings left for my father -- UGH!!) I don't see that I've done anything so wrong that it deserved such callous treatment, especially as compared to what the other players in these human dramas did. I didn't break the law, like my brother and even his lawyer did. I didn't refuse to cooperate or try to help. I didn't tell lies, steal and cheat, and nor did I do or plan the other things that he has that I can't talk about here. That's the biggest question that keeps repeating itself in my head right now....what in the world did I do to deserve all this?! I'd thought I'd been doing what were the healthiest things for myself, and now people are telling me that wasn't good enough! I'm fed up with this attitude from others. And as to the metaphysical aspects of the same question....even if I wasn't practicing the Law of Attraction, for example, to the best of my abilities in the last while, did the lack of that wholehearted effort deserve THIS much chaos? I don't know anymore. I seem to almost be cursed, even though I don't even believe in such things. I'm just so tired of it all. And planning our girl's burial is bringing back all the feelings of when she'd just passed, as is to be expected I know, but it's all that much worse with the rest of this alongside it. I'm resenting like he** the fact that these concurrent things have come along to interfere with what should have been ONLY HERS AND MY 'last' time. I'm trying as best I can to practice allowing "what is" to just be, but it's proving to be too difficult yet, and I don't have enough time to 'get over' the other stuff before we bury her. (yes, I could delay it, yet again, but that doesn't sit right, either) It also won't help that alongside my grief over her, will also be my fresh grief and worry over my furry girlfriend's life. She ought to have been able to be here for me (cuz I just KNOW Nissa would have sent her over here at just the right time, as she has over the last almost 2 years to date), and now she's just GONE, to who knows where and Ican't even help her, much less have her help me. It's so grossly....yes, I'll freely use that much maligned word....UNFAIR, as well as just plain wrong, wrong, wrong.

Hi allalone, Thankyou for the thought you put into my situation and your well-wishes. To answer your questions: The family was/is in another Province. The only remaining immediate family I have left is this one brother. There are a few extended relatives in that same Prov. and although I can't say for sure whether they knew anything about this, I did have a cousin whom I'd spoken with several times back then who'd planned on visiting both my father and brother last summer. She was to contact me afterwards, but never did (as was her usual way) and I just got fed up with trying to contact her and getting no response. There's a chance then, that she may have kept up contact with my brother, but not me. As with everyone else, she couldn't or wouldn't believe, either, that my brother is as horrid as he is....but then, SHE didn't live with him all those years, like I did. But that's just not good enough for most people. I've run into this time and time again, and it's always the same story...."Oh, SURELY, he couldn't be THAT bad!" Ugh....how bad does it have to get before someone believes you, I keep wondering??? However, there was no question as to my identity, as I'd begun contact with the care home from the very first day my father was placed there, as well as with the hospital he was in before being placed, and then with the PT as soon as they took over administration of my father's affairs. In fact, I was the only family member to fill out all their forms on my father's info/assets. My brother couldn't have been bothered. I tried for over a year to get them to chase down all the missing assets that I knew my brother had taken, even then. They didn't cooperate with me and I ended up having to hire a lawyer to do so. This was just as unsuccessful as my own attempt. This wouldn't be the first time the PT has come under fire for mismanaging people's accounts/affairs, but since they have their own legal team and the Prov's money to back them, people don't often win legal suits against them. I was also told by various home staff of problems with my brother, including an illegal move made through my him regarding our father. They kicked my brother's 'henchman' out at the time. So there's no way they didn't know my brother was a dirty player and a bald-faced liar. And as I said, directly DUE to his noncompliance on all fronts, his POA was officially revoked by the PT and the home was well aware of this. He never paid for more than 1-2 months' worth of care, and after that it was paid by and through the PT - that is the main JOB of the PT and is the usual reason they take over someone's care - when applicable family members DON'T or can't. I myself couldn't have applied for this job because I didn't hold a POA for our father, nor would my brother have GIVEN me the funds he stole in order to pay for his care, so it would have had to come right out of MY pocket, and I didn't have the money then. What I have been told (whether it's true or not) is that the home left my brother as contact #2 after he lost his #1 position, which then went to the PT. The question is - why did they leave him as #2 and not put MY name as #2 instead, given his history with my father's case? They also were aware that he and I no longer spoke, so that was the very REASON I'd told them they MUST call me separately as well, as HE never would, in like fashion to how he never called THEM. They'd said they "understood" and not to worry, I'd be called should anything happen. They, and the PT had already been informed by me that there were family relation problems and in addition, the PT already knew that I also believed there was a big problem with my father's Will. In fact, the PT HELD his Will in trust and presumably (according to my lawyer) had read through it, so most likely already knew my brother was named sole beneficiary, just as I had told them he would have made sure it was set up like. Add to that his refusal to cooperate with the PT themselves, and you have a picture of every agency involved aiding and abetting a criminal, and just not giving a damn. The PT had also refused to call in the police on theft charges, even though that is well w/i their power and authority, as stated right in their policies, which I was already very familiar with from when they handled my Mother's affairs (due directly to my father's dementia!). They left all the hard stuff up to ME to try and pursue instead (less work for them and less money spent out of the client's account), which would have, I thought, made any slim chance of making things work even worse, as my brother would then have known that I knew what he was really doing, leading him to act even more stealthily. He'd lied outright to me way back at the beginning, so I wasn't about to be foolish enough to believe him anymore. The irony is that had the PT pursued all the hidden money, they would have still had MORE than enough left for the care of my father. They just couldn't have been bothered. Again, I was told that I could pursue this at my own expense, when I didn't have such funds to do so then, nor could I have done much UNTIL our father actually passed away anyway.....so it all hinged on being notified. Both agencies knew this. In effect, they made ME into the 'bad guy', as if I had no right to expect a share in my own parents' estate, while my brother could do no wrong, even though he HAD, TIME AND TIME AGAIN!! How does this make any sense at all??? Really, I'm not in shock about my father's death, except for him not actually making it to his 'dream' age of 90 (he was 89 when he died), but that's not really "shocking", either. I'd just thought that somehow he'd hang on until then, like one of those ironic mysteries of the universe. What I'm shocked at is the downright cruel and despicable treatment I've received from both agencies, after being the cooperative member of the family initially and the one who gave both of them inside information so as to guide their work and decisions. Little did I know they'd turn that against me at such a critical time! Institutions and most of the world is simply BROKEN and people are forced into putting up with it due to monetary constraints. It's just getting worse every day. I've made no bones here (in the past) about how there was no love lost between me and my father (he was a beast), but I still did the "right" thing by still having some concern about his meds. and care. And besides, most of that estate was made possible by the incessant hard work my Mother put into their livelihood for her entire life, whereas my father was a master at losing money through bad management. As such, since she and I were the 2 closest members in our family (despite our own problems) and I was also the only one who tried to act as her advocate when she was hospitalized for 6 months before her death (with little effect, as my father was official "next-of-kin", not I....still have a severe problem with that bureaucratic nonsense, too), I think I'm entitled to a part of the estate. Otherwise, it implies I'm not even a family member. Unlike my 2 brothers, even though I moved, I was in contact with my Mother over the years, while they lived right there and didn't want anything to do with anyone...not that I can't understand that, but still... I'd also, in written form, long ago offered this brother the lion's share of the estate when the time came, since I knew he was not only jealous of me and our (then dead) brother, but also to try and ease some of those tensions. Well....he took the lion's share all right - 100% of it. And if I could tell anyone what I know he's planning on using those funds for....believe me, you'd all be as sickened as I am, guaranteed. I've found out additional things about him that have me reeling with the injustice of it all, things that should, by rights, put him behind bars, but for my own safety, I'm not willing to put my neck on the line to do more than what I've done so far in hopes he'll get caught w/o my further involvement. So no, I don't see any excuse for either of these agencies notifying me, as they should have. In fact, I HAD been in therapy when this was going on, and even my psychologist gave me pointers and advice on how to handle things.....again, all for naught. This has turned into a large echo of how my father treated me, just because I dared to have my own life and not remain under his control. His dementia was SO bad, even by the time my Mother was first hospitalized almost 5 yrs. ago, that when I arrived at her bedside the first time, he shook my hand, introduced himself to me and said, "Oh, yes, I have a daughter named (my name)." And yet that, plus MANY other events that took place from then on, apparently aren't enough to satisfy a court that he was NOT of sound enough mind when he signed that Will under duress. It's just another example of how the legal system fails us when we need it most. I HAD also asked my husband repeatedly to call the home on my behalf, to see how things were going. At the time, I was grieving too heavily for my gal to wish to talk to them myself and just wanted nothing to do with any more family craziness. He never called them. Ironically, the last time I asked him was in the early fall, so I could conceivably have known about my father's death w/i a week or so of it happening and could have begun proceedings then, right on time. But he "didn't feel like" doing this for me. He knows how angry I am now about this, too, and is now bearing the consequences of his lack of help for his wife. I know he feels badly about it and is NOW helping me somewhat, but NOW is already too late. That money will be well hidden by now, in my brother's offshore account(s). Yes, I need help, as in more therapy. But as I said, I'm loathe to spend more money than I have to again, all because of my stupid family. Call it a way to 'protest' for now. Besides which, I just don't have time at the moment. Maybe towards the last half of the summer. And I don't use drugs. There are addictive patterns in my family and I just won't go there, nor do I believe in the use or efficacy of most drugs or enjoy the added damage/risks they pose. I'll use my supplements and other aids instead. But nothing is going to change the facts, regardless. Nothing is going to change the legacy my family has left me. I HAVE been crying, BUCKETS.....in anger, in frustration, in despair and hopelessness, and also in grief over this whole situation with my feline girlfriend. But the worst still, is my grief over my feline daughter. The pain is still unbearable, and made that much worse with her burial coming up so soon. It would have been bad ENOUGH with only that to deal with, but with all this on top of it, I'm falling totally apart. I'm also extra-sensitive to energies, and with the increase of those on our planet already 'in the works', apparently it's causing a LOT of added upheaval for all of us, most especially those of us who ARE more sensitive to such frequency changes. So that's making things worse for me, too. And it's just too tough for me to work on such metaphysical things when I'm just too distraught to focus. At most I'm just trying to remember to breathe deeply. It also doesn't help that even w/i my circle of "lightworking" colleagues, no one's offered me any healing sessions to help me deal with all this. Nice to find out they can be just as insensitive, indifferent and self-absorbed as the next guy, despite all their claims of being so 'up there' spiritually. I'm disgusted with their behavior, too. So it's always nice to know I can at least come here and just about always find someone who understands or cares. Thank-you, all, for that. It's probably not enough by itself, but at least it's something, and something good.

Thank you, Leanne and Wendy, for your compassion. I sure need that right now...you have no idea... Leanne, you make some very good points and you're likely right about just keeping and tending to myself. That seems to be what the universe has been telling me to do. It's hard, though, as I'm feeling so utterly alone, like I've never felt before in my life (and I'd thought that was bad before, in times past!). This also has a lot (though not all) to do with my most recent loss - that of my last remaining (and best) feline girlfriend, who has abruptly been taken away (from me, and yes, it appears it's actually that personal) to goodness knows where. (her 'owner' seems to be lying about everything, as is her history of style) She was the one most keeping me sane on a daily or weekly basis, depending on how often she came by to visit. That 'arrangement' was good enough for me, but now she's suddenly gone and I'm so horribly worried about her. I don't know if she's dead or alive. It's a long story that I don't wish to tell right now (no energy) but this came right on the heels of the other traumatizing development, and is hitting me terribly hard. So between the two things, I've hit a new, lower, rock bottom...one that's very frightening. As for talking to my brother, I not only refuse at this point, but wouldn't dare, in case I end up contesting this Will, as he'd use anything possible against me, plus I'd be tipping him off that I know what he's kept secret all these months, and even years. Also, in light of the other aspect which I can't discuss, I want nothing to do with him ever again, I'm so disgusted and horrified. I have already spoken to 2 lawyers, and will be retaining one to at least get some papers that might tell us a bit more. And I would contest this Will to get a rightful share of the estate, but it's sounding like despite all the circumstantial evidence that abounds around my father's incapacity at the time, that might not be good enough to win. I'm sure my brother counted on that. I also DO have an aversion, especially now, to delving back into my whole family history, so the money is a secondary point anyway. The principle is what bothers me the most. That, and allowing 'the bad guys' to win yet again. However, I doubt I have the energy for 2+ years of battling, regardless, nor do I want to make myself even sicker inside from the experience. Unfortunately though, that doesn't take care of my mega-amounts of feelings about all this and I'm even tired of having to spend money on therapists after all this time. My family keeps costing me in terms of both money and emotional damage and I'm too angry for words about it all. It's really killing me that I tried to do a good amount of the right things in BOTH scenarios, and yet have lost and lost BIG in both cases, and so has an innocent feline whose only 'crime' was asking for some friendship & attention. No one around me understands how this is affecting me and worse, they don't seem to care. Par for the course, but I'm sick of it being this way. It's all making me feel like I ought to just give in and be as rotten and selfish as the rest of them are (including those outside of family), because they're the only ones who seem to come out ahead in this world. I'm also facing the imminent burial of my furgirl (yes, finally, after much delay), and can't even concentrate now on planning her service. She deserves much more than this, so I also feel MORE than terrible about it. Yet I had my heart set on a certain date, for many reasons, and hate to change it NOW. All these other unforeseen events have totally mucked up my plans for this, and for the other memorial things I was supposed to have been doing in her honour this summer. (had also counted on my feline friend to be helping me in this regard....some agreeable fur to sob into as needed) Since this has been my second year, like many, for me too it's been even worse than the first year, so I didn't need any more upheaval to make it that much worse. So I hate to 'disappoint' all those who are still trying so hard and who still have even small amounts of hope for the future left (more power to you), but all the 'fight' to survive these losses has just disappeared inside and that's never happened so entirely before now. Maybe I'll get through it, or maybe I won't. But I just don't dare give my heart to anyone again (of any species), nor to hope for a better future. That elusive dream just never seems to manifest for ME, even when I'm being true to my Self, as is always suggested. We can't all be model examples of healing, I guess.

Hi, and thanks to both of you for replying when I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with. I've not been doing well at all, so haven't had the energy to reply back until now. All I can say, is, "So do I!!! And that's the same response I've been getting from almost everyone I've told. Unfortunately, it's so bizarre and unheard of that I can tell some people actually think I'm LYING about it, which only does me even MORE residual harm! It's just more of the same garbage that always results from my family-of-origin -- in the end, it's passed down to me to have to deal with inside, and outside. It's hard not to feel total resentment towards them, and now, even virtual strangers who ought to have had more sense, not to mention better moral judgment in their treatment of one particular family member, have uncaringly carried right on with my family's 'traditions' of being morally bankrupt, corrupt, crooked, devious, cold-hearted and intentionally malicious. No one would have believed, either, how coldly I was given this news or how horridly I was treated by the first person to tell me at the home. She just kept repeating, "I can't help you with that. You'll have to call the Public Trustee." No apologies, no "I'm sorry" about ANYTHING, not even a bloody Kleenex offered by her. She just wanted me to GO AWAY. If there was any hope of getting anywhere with such a thing, I'd sue their a**** and ask for psychological damages payment to boot! While I hadn't been in contact with the home my father was in for some time now (because of dealing with my other loss), I'd been pretty much THE lone family member to liaise with both the home AND the Public Trustee since my father was placed in the home and later put under the auspices of the PT, due directly to my remaining brother's non-compliance with the home and his care/fees. I'd been assured I'd be informed of ANY major changes with my father's health and also made certain I was listed on their contact sheet. I'd spoken to his doctor, his RN, the Unit Coordinator, other nurses, and the home's Social Worker, all from the very first day he was placed. The fact that I didn't keep up that contact should not have impacted anything, as my brother had only briefly spoken to one or two of these people once or twice in total (when they were desperately trying to get him to send them proof of his POA and other needed documents and info. - he never did), and his Power of Attorney was even officially revoked by the PT after about 1.5 yrs. due to his complete non-compliance. He'd even refused to sent the PT an accounting of our father's assets and what he'd done with all their funds. If they had a choice as to who to contact, he ought to have been the LAST one, not the first, nor certainly the SOLE one. HE certainly wasn't the one who'd been asking about what personal supplies, clothing, etc. my father had available to him, nor about his condition or the meds. he was on, etc., etc. Nope. My brother just sat with the bulk of my parent' funds at the time, and now he's gotten the entire balance, including an estate from another relative whose assets should have gone into our father's PT account, NOT directly into my brother's pocketbook. Somehow, the lawyers helped him do these evils. Something very sinister has happened and I can't get any answers from anyone so far, despite, once AGAIN, being the one to take the time to initiate more contact. They must know they've messed up, but as most such organizations today, would rather DIE than ever admit to doing wrong. The only crumb they've thrown me so far is the date of my father's death....not even the cause, nor an explanation of why they didn't contact me. They've lied to me several times already, and the PT depts. aren't being of much help, either. So I'm left asking, "JUST HOW MUCH WRONG DOES ONE HAVE TO DO BEFORE IT HAS AN IMPACT UPON HOW YOU'RE VIEWED AND TREATED?"...esp. in comparison to one who's done the OPPOSITE??? I will now 'have to' spend more money accessing the applicable court-filed documents, just to see what OTHER omissions have been left out of my parents' estate. I don't have a recent enough doctor's diagnosis of dementia to satisfy a judge as to the legality of this (bogus) Will, even though my father's diagnosis came only about 4 wks. after he was forced into a lawyer's office to sign this Will, leaving everything to my brother. In other words, I've been screwed royally, and all with the help of my brother's lawyer(s), the home and the PT. There is even more evil to this story, but I cannot discuss it in public. Suffice it to say, I've done what little I could about that end of it, and what else I could do I don't dare as, knowing all the evil attached to my family, I know it will just come back to bite me in the rear, somehow, some way, if I do. So I must leave that all up to Source to handle as It sees fit, IF It even does a thing about it. My faith in everything has been totally shaken, even more so than through my personal losses. This was the proverbial last straw. I can't help but be almost nothing but bitter (so please don't anyone tell me NOT to be) about the whole thing. I deserved to be treated as if I'm really the daughter I (supposedly?) was/am, but that's not happened. These agencies took away more than just my last recourses concerning certain aspects of this whole mess. They took away my moral rights, my dignity, my 'status' as a family member, my faith in people being or acting decently and my faith in Source. In fact, I'm so bitter right now that I can't see the point anymore in trying to be or do 'good' anymore. What for??? It's not served me well in this case, or in enough other cases either. Evil always wins and good loses out. That's the message I see. It's nothing if not humiliating, too. I KNOW what people tend to think when things don't go your way in cases like this. They think you MUST have done something terribly wrong for 'the world' to treat you this way. I'm sick of hearing it. If anyone other than a few, select people knew just how MARKEDLY SHARP the contrast is between me and my family (and now, esp. this brother of mine), they'd think differently. But they don't. And many even REFUSE to believe it could possibly be. I never felt like I could possibly belong in such a family, but there I was. But I'm sick of defending myself, sick of trying so hard to explain, sick of attempting to right the wrongs, injustices, unfairness and evil. I'm sick of everything. I'd tried to do the best and rightest thing (while still not overdoing it according to my limits at any given time....gee, just like you're advised to) in relation to the bigger picture and all that was or had been going on. I tried to 'be' and model the moral conscience of my family and all that their lack in that arena had led to. And this is the repayment I got for that grand waste of time, angst, pain, money and energy. I'm sure any enemies I might have are laughing up their sleeves right now. And most importantly to ME, if I'd known it was all going to be such a big waste of effort and 'smarts', I wouldn't have taken all that time to make notes, record conversations, liaise, hire a lawyer, etc. when I could have spent ALL that time with my girl instead, when she was still alive!! So that's been taken away from me, too, and I can't change a thing about it. Even outside of this whole fiasco, nothing's going right in my life lately. I'm suffering yet another personal loss and my hands are being tied in that regard, too. I'm tired of phony people, tired of trying, tired of living.....if this is all life is going to be. I know all the popular theories and advisements about this, both spiritually and psychologically, but I'm still saying, "I really can't TAKE it anymore" and really would rather be taken from this world, whether my lessons here are done yet or not. I have nothing to offer the world...at least nothing it really wants. My heart is just too darn broken to keep carrying on and I can't seem to pull myself back out of this dark pit anymore. And naturally, the more I'm suffering, the more others avoid me.....so, what's the point in going on?

I'm in absolute shock and sick at heart about this, and need to know if ANYONE else has ever had this happen to them. I haven't even been able to write about it until now, it's been so awful to try and get a grip on. I'd gone home for a visit, and went to the care home to see my (dying, with severe dementia) father. I was planning on seeing if there even was a chance at any "closure" possible between him and I before he died......and got told (and very coldly) by someone at reception that he'd passed on "some time ago"!!!! They had to do some scrambling to even find his name in their files, it had been so long ago! Turned out it had been 9 MONTHS ago! And although I'd spoken to staff there (social worker, his RN, nurses, his doctor, the Unit Coordinator) as soon as he'd been placed (this place was even MY recommendation!) and several times in the first year, verified that my contact info. was on their list, AND received assurances from them that I'd be called if ANYTHING major changed with him, due to the family problems that were present that I'd made them aware of, and my brother's behavior alone should have easily verified to them.....still.... .....not one person even notified me. Not from the care home, not from the Public Trustee's Office, whom he ended up under after my remaining brother's POA for him was officially revoked by the P.T.'s office themselves, for total noncompliance AND lack of payments to the home, among other crimes....many aspects of which the PT blatantly refused to chase down, though they all involved our father's (and the 'continuance' of our Mother's) estate. I could write a BOOK, just about THEM and their bungling, over their handling of BOTH of my parents' affairs. But nope - no one called ME, the daughter who originally tried to work with both agencies. Instead, they called ONLY my brother, even being totally aware that he never spoke with me (was this vital item deliberately erased from their case notes & meetings???) and that he'd tried to do something illegal with our father and got caught at it, not to mention his lack of compliance in each and every facet of our father's care. To make matters even more bizarre and downright nasty, they wouldn't even tell me what my own father died of! It would now be up to ME to call them long distance to only POSSIBLY get that information! It seems my brother had given them, at some unstated point, "instructions", which I'm assuming must refer to me. But I'm astounded that they'd actually still have FOLLOWED any instructions from him at ALL, after all the trouble he caused everyone, and, more importantly, being the SOLE CAUSE AND REASON they had to apply to the PT's Office for our father's continuing care! My family request for an autopsy (which the PT could have okay'd as administrator to my father) was ignored. This request, although supposedly on file with the home to be passed onto the PT when applicable, was not even mentioned as far as I know. I've also lost all the means I'd previously been told to wait for (upon his death) where I could have begun actions to address what I believe to be a Will made under duress (and during my father's dementia), I've been treated as if I'M the criminal in the family and even more to the point, I've been 'handled' as if I wasn't even my parents' daughter, or a family member at all!! Not even ONE other relative has called me during this whole time period, either, and yes, I'm assuming at least ONE of them has knowledge of my father's death. There is also another aspect to my brother having 'stolen' an entire estate all for himself that I can't discuss here in public, but it's highly, highly and personally disturbing to me, which makes this all that much worse, as this 'theft' gives him easier means to do more wrong and adversely affect goodness knows how many other innocent lives. I'm absolutely stunned by the baseness of people, even virtual strangers, and their penchant to 'side' with evil over those who try to do better and avert even worse disaster in (and even outside of) a family. ARE THEY ALL TOTALLY NUTS???!!! I've NEVER heard of anyone else who's not been notified of a parent's death, nor refused even the most basic of information about same. Heading to a bunch of lawyers, I already realize, may not solve a thing, and will obviously cost me money I now didn't inherit in order to fight this....not to mention the emotional costs I've also been warned about. So, has anyone else ever had this happen to them, or to anyone else they know? And if so, what did you/they do about it and how did that work out for you/them?????? I feel like the tiniest speck of a molecule that ever exis....oh, wait, it seems I DON'T even exist, really. That's what this world is telling me.

Dear Debra, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss of your baby girl, Kitty Grey, and for the deep, deep sorrow and depression you're going through now, in the aftermath. But right up front, I want you to know that I certainly understand it. All you've said, from your story and how you feel, and felt when KG was still with you, is almost a carbon copy of my own story about me and my own baby girl, Nissa, who also had CRF. Nissa was also almost 20 when I had to help her leave (19 and 7 months). We have more in common, you and I, than you might know and so reading your posts was like reading something I might have written myself. You've encapsulated so much of my own, former world as well as the same depth and types of reactions I had after my own girl was 'gone' (it's too rapidly coming up to 2 YEARS this Aug.!!...?!?!?! NO WAY!!), and I thank you for taking the time to write it all out so completely. It's also a pleasure for me to see someone else detail so much of their story, painful as it may be, as it gives me a better sense of what it and they are all about. In other words, your large effort was not wasted and it always helps me when I see someone else feels as 'extremely' as I did/do. I also hope it was somewhat cathartic for you to do this for yourself, even though I know it doesn't really rid one of the pain, but only helps us begin processing some of it, in tiny bits and pieces. I suppose you're hoping to hear from someone that there's hope to get through this, bearing in mind the extremely deep relationship you had with KG, which I'm sure you believe very few others could possibly relate to. Because you, too, have had a hard time processing loss, as I have, I think the most helpful thing I can tell you instead is to give yourself enough permission and acceptance of how you DO feel in ANY given moment, and for how you think you're GOING to feel in future, for as long as you need to do that. I can't really tell you, in all honesty, that you'll feel "fine" at some arbitrary point in the future because it's been almost 2 years already for me and I'm still not what you'd call "fine", either. So can you simply ask yourself if it's okay to just BE an unhappy, grieving person, at least for now? From experience, I've found this always helps take some of that self-imposed and societal pressure off and allows you to at least live more in the Present, with your present feelings. (the other hard part is 'battling' those who don't want to accept you and your feelings for what they just ARE) That's not to say I've lived in a total padded cell with my own grief for all this time, or that I haven't taken steps to try PLENTY of things that have all helped in their own ways (I suppose). But on the other hand, it's not like I'm anywhere near "fine" yet....and can't say for certain I ever will be, as I can't see myself in the future. Will I ever be AS happy, as content, feel as blessed as I ever could be at times before? I don't know. In fact, I actually highly doubt I will be. In other words, I'm still struggling, daily, even if some things about my grief have changed. I'm still 'in process' and likely will be for a long time to come. And if others don't like that, too bad, so sad, is the attitude I've had to adopt, for my own sake. It took me many years of struggle and hard work to come through Nissa's brother's loss far enough to see not only gains, but the "silver lining" of that unimaginable loss. I still miss him like stink, though, but it doesn't 'consume' me as much. And so, whether correct or not, I expect the loss of my Little 'Nis to be much the same that way, even though it's unique and much, much, much worse in its own ways. But it's the horror of having to try and actually LIVE through such enduring pain that's so tough....especially when we don't even want to live. When it feels like a mockery, an insult, even a betrayal to continue to live after we've lost our furchildren, our children by all rights and measure, even if they don't carry the 'superior status' of being members of the human species. I don't apologize to ANYONE for the depth of my love and deepest connection to my kidlets. If someone doesn't understand it because they've never HAD such a connection, too bad for them, I say! It IS what it is, it was what it was, and if that's the best earthly experience I ever had here, so be it. No one can take that away from me (or you). It does make it pretty lonely, though, trying to find others who feel exactly the same way about their kids and who give them the same, equal status as human children, in all respects. To date, I've only found a very few others who feel the exact, same, intense way about their furkids, but I know there are many of us out there all the same...it's just a matter of finding them and maybe I never will. You say Kitty Grey hasn't sent you any signs yet....and yet, on TV there was Sarah Brightman singing that gut-wrenching song, "Time to Say Good-Bye".....oh, man....can't listen to that w/o breaking the dam open wide! While it's not the 'nicest' message, if you know what I mean, do you think it may have meant something special between you and your girl? I say this because, IN CONTEXT AT THE TIME, I'm positive this exact sign has been sent to me as one of the (many, by now) signs my Nissa has sent to me. Like all of those in that plane, she uses whatever she can at the time to get through to me. I do understand about the disturbing dreams, too, though, and have had my share of those as well....as well as some definite dream visitations....although really only one for SURE from my girl a few months after her crossing, and maybe one other (yet a number from her brother, and more than one each from other human loved ones). Even that doesn't seem right and yet I get other signs from her. Sigh...we just don't always get what we want the most. You ask " Because, it's simply the biggest, most all-encompassing, 'loving-est', deepest and personally meaningful relationship you've ever had to date, is my guess (and my own answer)...and you've also lost the many roles you played in Kitty Grey's life with you. So why wouldn't it hurt so much? Why wouldn't this earthly loss be "scary"?! Why wouldn't it give rise to questioning absolutely everything that was ever truly important to you, and for you to know? Even if I don't pretend to have all the 'good enough' answers, answers that you hope would take the edge off your pain, the rest of it is a no-brainer to me. It's obvious. It's vitally important. It's a major and huge loss to you, for your OWN reasons, and no other reasons even matter. What you've shared about Kitty Grey's and your life together is so touching, beautiful and glorious. It speaks to the utter, almost unfathomable depth of your relationship, the meaning of which isn't lost on me, as it's much the same as mine with my kids. What do parents who've lost their human children so often say?...that their child was the single most important person in the world to them, even often above their spouse. THEY know what such a deep connection it can be. And most people who have human kids aren't shocked to hear such sentiments. So why should our reaction be, or be considered, any differently? You might try, when you're ready, reading some "loss of child" grief books, to see how closely your grief, your thoughts and your feelings compare to human parents', despite some of the practical differences. And even then, you can pretend that KG was a "challenged" child who had to stay living at home under your care, unable to fend for herself in the world at large. It's a close enough comparison. It might help you to see you're not 'crazy' in your reactions, even if your child just happened to be furrier. And the fact that you, like many others, are willing and able to transcend limiting societal expectations and extend your love to someone of another species reflects a GOOD thing, something you could be proud of. That means you're a more open, less rigid, closed-off & unthinking person...one who is capable of helping our species to evolve into higher and more spiritual realms. That's nothing to sneeze at! And it's certainly nothing anyone should ever make light of, including the griever herself. Do people as a rule not glorify others battling against societal norms by showing love to those who might be, say, challenged, disfigured or otherwise different? YES. Yet when it comes to having a deep relationship with another species, these same glorified attributes of the heart aren't usually given the same, equal weight, and in fact are most often disregarded if not openly vilified. Let the depth of your relationship and therefore your grief count for something higher. Be discerning, think deeply (and beyond) even in your sorrow and KNOW that your feelings are not only valid but of great import to much larger principles and human growth. I could go on and on about how much we share in common, but suffice it to say that I 'get' it more than you may know, and if it helps you, I'd encourage you to keep sharing here (or in PMs to GH members). I hadn't been writing much here in quite awhile (I've had many more difficulties of late, and little time to write), but it was YOUR post that compelled me to write again because I can see so clearly just how you're suffering and the intensity of that suffering. So I wanted you to know that you're not alone in that. Been there, and am still there in many ways. The sheer intensity of it will likely subside in time (and with processing work) though, but at least for me, it's not like it will ever just magically or quickly disappear. I'm still at a loss as to finding as much meaning in my life as I once had, or how to keep existing at such an undesirable, difficult and empty level....like you, despite the good things that remain or even come up afresh. Nothing so far has even come close for me. Being my kids' Mom remains the largest, most meaningful and glorious 'job' and experience I've ever had in this lifetime, and I can't see what could ever begin to compare with that, and all the love that was part and parcel of it. I still say, after almost 2 years of this torture, I'd be a "happy woman" if I could go (to join my kids) today, but I'm just plugging on until such time transpires on its own. Thank you for sharing, Debra, and I hope anything I've said might help you in some way, too. Once again, I'm so very sorry for and understanding of your great loss. You and your girl look so sweet together, so thanks for the pics of the two of you, too. You are both very special people. Maylissa (with Nissa The Grrrrey...and her brother, Sabin The Uuuubercat....plus a million MORE deserving nicknames!)

This reminds me...I'd listened live online to Dr. Bittel (and Dr. Tina Ellenbogen) a couple of months ago, on Martha Norwalk's radio show, "Martha Norwalk's Animal World". Dr. Bittel was her featured guest that week, for a whole 2 hours! It was such a pleasure to hear her talk all about her philosophy and seminars. Too bad Martha's shows aren't yet archived, but she's planning on having Dr. Bittel back sometime, so keep checking her website for upcoming events. Dr. Tina Ellenbogen joined Ella and Martha later on, and she was fascinating, too. Dr. Ellenbogen lives in Seattle and provides hospice info. & guidelines to those interested in home care for their ailing beloveds. If it's within her area (Bothel, WA), she makes house calls for this type of care, and even if you don't live there, she does telephone consults or email consults. Her phone # is 425-485-7387 and she's happy to provide people with detailed information on how to minister to the needs of their furbabies when they're ailing. (she also knows and has liased some with Dr. Ella Bittel) She also shared some information about the International Vet. Association For Pain Management while speaking on Martha's show. This information is available publicly at IVAPM. Martha Norwalk is chiefly an animal behaviorist but also an animal communicator, part-time. You can listen live to her weekly shows (on Sundays) by visiting her website's home page here and clicking on the "Listen Live" button right at the top of that page. You can also email her during the show by clicking the appropriate button, also on the home page. For a description of her show, see this. Martha has also written on of THE finest articles I've ever seen on understanding your cat or dog (in general) and defends their needs admirably, cutting right to the chase w/o sugar coating anything. I couldn't agree with her viewpoint more! It's entitled "Animals Are Only Human, Too" and you can read it on her website here. She also provides a fabulous reading list under "Good Reading" and I have almost all of those books myself - I noted our 'own' distance, homeopathic vet's book is included. All in all, this amazing threesome provided a wealth of information on palliative & hospice care, the option of supporting a natural death process when feasible and many related items. One of the best 2 hours I've ever spent. The word is gradually but surely getting out there and the more people who 'bone up' (oh, ha) on this, the faster it will spread and the more help we'll be able to provide for our beloved kidlets!

I woke up this morning missing my girl so terribly I could barely stand it again. I've been SO stupidly busy of late, preparing for an immanent trip, and just yesterday was putting away irreplaceable, precious valuables in safer places for my time away, most of which have to do with my kidlets. I'd also just had a horribly upsetting exchange with a woman I know, about her laughing over dog meat being served in the Chinese diet (oh yes, she's been written off my list of people to have contact with!) - it was disgusting and another painful reminder of how so many people just don't 'get' it. That was part of why I felt so out-of-sorts when I got up, as if more parts of my girl (and guy) were missing and no one would ever really understand or care. And then I remembered it was also Mother's Day today, and that, typically I can expect no acknowledgments, no gifts, no nothing. It's been this way for the last 2 years, effectively 'stomping out of existence' the fact that I WAS a Mother for almost 20 years, and belying the fact that I will always BE one, damn it! I'd hinted this year about a particular T-shirt for sale, a grey one, with a pink heart that says, "World's Best Cat Mom"...but it's looking like I'll have to order it myself, FOR myself. Well....all this just adds another layer of sorrow, emptiness and frustration, among many other feelings, of course. So with the heaviest of hearts, I then did what I do every morning now. I clicked on my daily reminder from the Animal Rescue Site, to give a portion of a bowl of food for homeless animals in shelters.....and my breath was taken right away! There was MY GIRL staring right back at me! I SWEAR!! It was just like I'd found a NEW picture of her, one I hadn't known I even had!! Take a look for yourselves, here (scroll down to "Bojangles" on page 5 of Rescued Animal Stories to see the cat who was featured that day). This stunned me, as it's always been SO VERY hard to ever find pics of my Little Nis's likeness anywhere, and frankly, this one is too exact a replica for words! It's my burnish-cheeked girl! ~ dainty of paw, long of tail, slim, 'solid' sheeny-grey, amber-green of oriental-shaped eye....giving me that exact "look"!! Then I dropped in here (first time in weeks, really) and saw Marty's Mother's Day article and, naturally, related so completely to what was expressed. It's depressing as hell, especially when you've told those around you that you'd like some of these things to be done for you on each Mother's Day, but no one responds. But just as it often was in times past, my GIRL did, even if no one else bothered. My NISSAkins made SURE to send me her love and to honour the place I had in her life.....on Mother's Day. And so I sit, in awe of how she never seems to fail to come through to support and love me, no matter that she's not physically here. I LOVE HER, LOVE HER, LOVE HER, as I've loved no other! And so it is, and so it will always be. My girl.....I miss you so much, each and every day....but THANK YOU for always being there for me, just as you've always been.... It's still you and me, Galski, part of this world, but not entirely "of" it. You've saved me yet again.....and I'll ALWAYS call myself your Mother.

This is a very mixed reply, but I hope you'll (all) bear with me... I'm ever so thankful you posted this news, Marty. Naturally, out where I live, there's been no talk of this so far, despite it being a Cdn. news item...I'm not surprised, though. Of course I'll be donating to the cause/event, in order to uplift the status of animals overall in Canada. Wish I was going to be in Toronto on June 8, so I could pitch in, too!...don't know if there'll be any events being held in other provinces. I might be closer to the "East" at that time, but not quite far enough. It's going to be tough, being around other people on a day I'd rather spend thinking quietly about my kids, but perhaps I'll be able to go and visit the shelter (although it's a new one, new location now) from whence our life together began....but maybe not, as I don't know if I could take the pain of all that being gone now... But I'm equally thankful for this post because it led me to certain links from the Mississauga Pets (loss) site, where I've discovered a WEALTH of good information, some of which I'd LOVE to pass on here. Firstly, there's the site for the Pet Pastor, where I noticed some animal videos I was already familiar with, and some good articles, the most important one (to me) being "Do Animals Have Souls?" by Deborah Jones. I imagine you might have already listed this on your own Grief Healing site, but if not, I'd give it a "thumbs up." I also visited "Pets Weekly" and man-oh-man, what a wonderful resource that is!!! I'm in love with Stacy Mantle, the author/reviewer of some of THE best cat products I've seen in all my years (know about some already, have one or two, keeping in mind the rest &/or passing the page on to other cat parents) - On The Prowl cat products/reviews, although I DO have to write her about the fur-covered toy mice she has listed....it's most likely dead cat, dog &/or rabbit fur, probably from China where they do abominable, barbaric things to animals, especially cats and dogs. (I've been on a letter-writing campaign of late involving the massive cat cullings in China for the summer '08 Beijing Olympics....sick to my soul's 'stomach', I am....and I hope all animal lovers here, too, will do everything they can to address these atrocities - try Googling "cat slaughter in China" to find much info. and related petitions) But I digress. As well as her product reviews (hilarious in and of themselves, whether you're intending on buying anything or not!), she's done at least one (haven't read them all yet) fabulous article....her own piece about "Do Animals Have Souls" is absolutely the BEST one by far that I've seen yet. Incredibly powerful and to the point!! Forget trying to justify their souls' existence to those who would deny it, with proof from the Bible....if THIS doesn't get to the heart of the matter with those kinds of people, NOTHING ever will! If you could get permission to reprint it directly here, that would be wonderful! But if not, for those interested, here's the direct link: Do Animals Have Souls? - by Stacy Mantle. She's another woman who knows exactly what REALLY goes on in (at least) North America regarding animal abuse. She reminds me of my no-kill shelter friend, but with a wonderful & humorous writing skill, to boot. I also noticed one of my animal communicators, Lynn McKenzie, who's originally from Toronto, was also listed on the site. She lives in AZ now, probably permanently. But I'm horribly sad to say, while events such as Canada's first Pet Memorial Day are finally garnering more awareness, and I'm SO glad for that....in my area, going backwards, our 'town' is striving, once again, to not only shut down my friend's no-kill shelter (and entertaining the thought of a full KILL shelter instead), but our Council is also likely introducing, in tandem, a "police state" here, by giving lowly Bylaw Officers (!!) the right to enter your very home, on whatever premise they might concoct (supposedly related to animal matters, but there are no stated restrictions, and we'll live in fear, regardless) and with no more notice than a voicemail required beforehand, rather than an actual warrant. This would give them more power than the RCMP (or city police) have, for heaven's sake!! They are breaking the Cdn. Freedom of Rights Charter (federal law) in order to implement this, but they don't care as someone would have to take them to court over it. I cannot believe their arrogance, nor the apparent apathy of our populace about such a ground-breaking and stupid move!! The media didn't even COVER this story. In light of this, I can't even ENTERTAIN the thought of EVER having any more furkids (mine, reincarnated, or someone new) HERE. For all its other progressions, this stinking place is turning into the most backwater hell-hole I've ever had the misfortune to live in! I'm REALLY hating the world right now, from all four corners, and that's making my grief even more pronounced....and no one save one friend way out east understands. And a (now former ) colleague of mine, whom I'd thought was also a friend, just recently called my love for animals "extreme" as well. Nice. She doesn't understand a whit, either, and in fact, gave me an 'edict' to no longer even TALK about such matters with her.....as part of her pseudo-apology, no less! I'm more than a little sick of people in general and I'm not having a good month at all. This coming wknd. I'll be involved in an alternative-type health expo out here, and after all this, I'm not looking forward any longer to dealing with a public at large that sees animals only as commodities. So much for the animal-oriented focus of my healing business HERE. If these things are any indication, I can only look forward to more emotional abuse and upheaval. After all this work, I feel totally shut down, shut off, defeated on my chosen path. I can only hope by June 8 I'll be feeling a bit better somehow, by some incredible miracle. More than ever now, I just want to go Home to be with my kids, instead of being stuck here and surrounded by insensitive, wastes of perfectly good space.

I think I know what you're saying, Shelley. It's simply torture to feel like no one on the face of the planet really, really LOVES you, for who you are and no matter what. It can be the loneliest and most despairing feeling in the world. Having said that, I also take great comfort from having read many times and having heard first-hand from the man I know who died on the operating table and came back, that when we leave our physical shells behind, we no longer feel bound by the worries of this plane of existence, and end up surrounded by so much love it's unbelievable. It's the Love of our Source, of the whole Universe, including all those who have loved us before. This friend of mine wasn't worried about earthly concerns, but just felt he had unfinished work he had yet to do here with certain people, so he returned, despite already knowing how difficult life on this plane is, by stark comparison. I also trust I will be returned to THE closest of re-unions with those who have loved me and whom I have loved, so will no longer feel alone and lonely. The last thing we're going to be thinking of is what happens to our former shells. It will just be so inconsequential a matter compared to what we're then experiencing and where we'll then be. In fact, many people have said they experience things AS IF they still had physical bodies, even though they don't, so I gather we don't miss our earthly forms at all. So from my perspective, I can hardly wait until I get to leave here, whether there's anyone here to mourn me or not. I will be HOME again, finally, at last, and thank goodness! It only hurts while we're still here, but it does hurt, I know. But in a way, it's almost better if you're not leaving anyone behind who loves you immensely...because then we'd also be currently worrying about how they're going to feel should we depart! There's hardly any winning with common, difficult feelings when we're still in the physical, unless we can surmount most of them, which is often a lifelong project. Bob is talking about letting go of "attachment", a well-known and wise philosophy. It is because of attachment to things (even feelings) that we suffer. But it's one of those "easier said than done" things, and on the other hand, we don't want to let go of the LOVE we have experienced, only the pain attached to the love. One fine day we'll all 'get it', though. It's just a matter of whether that will be here, or not until we get beyond the physical.

This all reminds me of the support group I'd attended for the loss of my Mother and brother, which might have turned out better had not a later-to-join member arrived to disrupt much of the group dynamic. Like the fellow who didn't rightfully belong in your group, Susan, this woman monopolized most of the group's time with her incessant stories - always full of tangents not at all related to the topic at hand. She was never 'taken to task' by the group facilitators, either, who didn't seem to want to acknowledge every single member's discomfort about her disruptions, seeing as they were basically gutless. And I, unfortunately, also got stuck with her in my smaller group when we had to split up into 2 separate groups for sharing, as it was decided by the 2 facilitators that this might be more conducive to sharing.....NOT! Anyone who was next in line after her got only about a total of 2 mins. to talk because she'd chewed up all the time and had also normally insisted on going first...and again, this tactic, too, should have been nipped in the bud, but wasn't. That was also part of the reason I never got to share anything about the loss of my brother. At the end of the 8 or so weeks, we had to fill out forms rating the effectiveness of the support group. Needless to say, my report wasn't glowing and neither did they receive a requested donation from me (they were suggesting something in the range of up to $200 yet!!) I never got a call about my comments, even though they made it sound like they wanted feedback that they'd follow up on. This group also seemed most suited only to those who already HAD good family and friend networks, rather than people who suffered from complicated grief situations and were without much support. I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd been asked to not return, either, had I complained about this one member in the midst of the program. At the time, I just didn't have the energy to take on yet another emotionally-draining task, though. So it seems there are a number of badly run groups out there and I'm sorry others have had lousy experiences with some of them, too. They obviously don't want to know when their programs aren't running as well as they ought to be. Someone needs to go back to school and wisen up because grief-stricken individuals deserve better services!

Yes, thanks, Elizabeth, the cold disappeared quite quickly as I was battling it coming on with wild Oil of Oregano every day - a great product all-round. Well, I can see why you snatched Tiny up when you did, in order to save her from a very uncertain future. It actually sounds like her mom possibly didn't have the means &/or strength left to care for her properly, so you likely helped them BOTH survive for much longer than they might have otherwise. I don't think it's normal behaviour for a mother cat to leave her offspring out in the middle of nowhere, especially when they're right there to retrieve them back to a safer spot. So maybe her mom really DID want you to take over after all. We've all heard of even human mothers leaving their newborns somewhere, hoping they'll be taken in by someone more able to provide for them, too. Once again, we're often more similar to other beings than not, either which way.I'm also so thankful to hear that at least someone buried her properly. That's only right. And Tiny IS very beautiful, indeed! (no, I don't recall seeing her pic before) And of course I hold a not-so-secret joy in also knowing she's part of the Clan of MacGrey, too! "There's no true cat like a grey cat," as Maude Montgomery said in her "Anne of Green Gables" series. I'm also happy to see Tiny's exercising her rights to her own computer time. As for me, firstly, it snowed again here overnight, and as my husband shoveled the front drive this morning, I was struck by yet another 'trigger'....that being how truly grateful I'd been to still have to shovel out back to make a clear path for at least Maggie, still...and now the snow can simply lay as is......it's heart-wrenching. Another small cat-task taken away from me. It's just so painful, with each trigger that arises. I also have been suffering from the horrid news I heard when I finally dropped off my card and photos to Maggie's family. I can barely speak of it, but suffice it to say that she met her end somewhere on the drive to or from the airport in order to drop off her 'dad' for his vacation! I was appalled and flabbergasted, to say the least and can't EVER imagine not canceling vacation plans if a family member was in the midst of DYING!!! I'D thought he was already gone when she went into pulmonary distress/edema, but I was sadly mistaken. I'd felt so badly for her as it was, but THIS....only makes it that much harder. I mean, can you IMAGINE how she must have felt???? How much more abandoned can you get? Meanwhile, I know of another couple here whose dachshund needed emergency surgery right before their honeymoon, so they rightly canceled their plans and spent the thousands of dollars necessary to save their girl and stay with her instead....not ANY question in their minds about what the right thing to do was. And they still haven't managed to go on a honeymoon....but they don't CARE. Having their girl safe and taken care of is much more important to them. But poor, poor Maggie....she so obviously wasn't thought of in the same light and now I can't help, but even MORE so, thinking that she might have been able to have been saved from dying in the first place, given more concern and commitment from her 'family.' So I also highly doubt that they even began to understand that card, nor what I'd added to it myself. I'm sure I've just been pegged to that long list around here as being that "weird woman who cares about animals TOO MUCH." All week I've also had to deal with unplanned participation in trying to save the masses of cats who are being rounded up and killed in Beijing's bid to 'clean up' its streets and even private homes (!!) in preparation of the '08 Olympics, plus all the other unimaginable yet true torture they put dogs, cats and other animals through....it's horrific beyond description, yet I read the descriptions/reports anyway, refusing to remain blissfully ignorant as most people prefer to do. I'm also boycotting all of the Olympic's sponsors...and the list is LONG. Plus, I responded to a recent mailer for a church, of all things, that supports and "respects" cruel rodeo events. I'm so disgusted with the human race everywhere I look, on both a more personal and most certainly a global perspective. So what I then found out about Maggie's ending just about killed me. I also now know that the last day I had to 'kick her out' so swiftly....was her very last day. You can't imagine how sorry I feel now, for not taking even a few more minutes to explain this unprecedented action by me, to her. I'd only ever had to make her leave early ONCE before, when I was late for an appointment, and even so, she'd already been relaxing indoors here for over an hour. So, firstly her 'auntie' 'rejects' her visit, and later that day her 'dad' is going away, and then she gets 'killed' AS HE'S GOING AWAY!! That is no respectful, dignified end, much less a LOVING end, for ANYONE. Now that I know the truth about what happened, it's no wonder the son had blithely said to me, "Well, I guess it's all for the best, though..." That was shocking enough to hear from one of the family members themselves, but WHOSE best, I have to wonder???? I'm just sick about it...just sick to my stomach...

Hi Elizabeth & Mike, Sorry it's taken me a few days....lots going on so I have to squeeze in time to reply when I can. Thanks so much for the hugs, Elizabeth...I'll TAKE them!! I'm one who doesn't mind ecards - they're far better than no cards at all, even if it's always nicer to have a real, paper card one can keep and pull out every now and again. (some of those ecards can't be retrieved after a certain amount of time) And of course, it's always nicer to know that those who already have your physical mailing address actually took the time to go out and physically find a card for you because you're worth some of their precious time....not that finding good, (still free) ecards is a piece of cake anymore, mind you! I'm so sorry to hear about your kidlets' mom. It's so very hard for the feral cats, especially the females who invariably end up pregnant and desperately trying to find enough food for both their own needs and their offspring's. It becomes a never-ending cycle of strife for them. Too bad she couldn't have at least gotten trapped, spayed and released again. I'm not surprised, though, if she did indeed end up leaving Tiny for you to take care of instead. And even if she'd just been out hunting and just hadn't returned yet, at least it was one less burden for her to carry, at least for awhile (if she got pregnant again soon thereafter). And thank goodness you were there and willing to get Sunny the medical aid he needed. I know of a similar situation (only one of TONS) close by here, where the young mother cat was actually totally blind (born w/o any eyes..ugh...one can only imagine what she went through!), yet trying desperately to take care of her kittens. She was found living under a portable school trailer and the children were trying to help feed her. The principle wanted to "get rid of" the feline family (nice values to teach those kids ) so our no-kill shelter was called. They were able to easily trap the mom, seeing as she couldn't see them coming, as well as her kittens. All were spayed and neutered and the mother has a loving home with folks who don't care about her blindness....thank God. You can still thank Sunny and Tiny's mom....in your heart....and trust that she'll receive your emotional message to her. We are all connected in fields of energy, so even physical death can't stop messages from getting through. Did you know that energetic heart waves aren't limited by space at all? They just keep going, outward, into the infinite field (of which everything really consists of), with conceivably nothing to stop them. This has been scientifically demonstrated. So, she'll know and likely even understand completely now all that you've done for her kidlets and how you really thought about her, too. It's not too late to thank her and it will likely even continue to help her, in whatever she's now doing in her post-death life. As for me, I'm still feeling shocky...picking up crumbs and the like off the floors, as if Maggie's still going to come around, with me not wanting her to eat who-knows-what off the floor; looking at Nissa's litterbox, never put away because occasionally either Maggie or Niggsi (who's actually been kept indoors for the last few months...they finally got more vigilant about my suggestion...so I never see her anymore - she's another neighbour's cat) sometimes used them when visiting; still being at the ready to run and open the door for her; trying to see her in the neighbour's windows; hearing the weather forecast and thinking things like "Oh yuck...Maggie won't like that temperature!"....and on and on it goes throughout each day. I'd even asked Niggsi's 'mom' the other week if she (Niggsi) and I could possibly have a play-date once in awhile. It's abundantly clear that her 'mom' isn't going for this, though. Poor Niggsi, and now poor me, too! At the time, I'd been feeling so badly for Niggsi, seeing her in their window as I'd pass by, straining to get outside, knowing full well no one in her family ever really played with her, either. What I'd suggested was that she have supervision whenever she was outside....NOT that they never, ever allow her out again. But since they don't "DO" supervision (or playtime), that poor girl's just stuck inside with nothing and no one to keep her occupied and happy (she had no toys at all until I bought her some). So I mainly feel for her plight...but now, man-oh-man, I, too, could really use some of her wild and crazy ways to relieve a little of this stress and grief, at least once in awhile! And that brings me to your suggestion, Mike. I've said here before (in the past) that I can't bring myself to adopt anyone else yet, and that remains true for me to this day...despite Maggie's sudden departure from my life. I may not be giving someone who needs it a forever home (yes, the guilt comes up over that), but I'm working through my grief by still giving to the animal community at large (not limited to just cats, either) and that's the way it has to stay for me for whatever undetermined amount of time. That's why both Maggie's and Niggsi's friendships served me so very well. I didn't have to throw myself into full caregiver/mommy mode, which still puts me in a total panic when I think of it. I'm still far too raw from the whole ordeal with my own kids, plus I'm needing to build my practice up so I will then have a bit more balance in my life to fall back on WHEN loss strikes again. Hopefully, too, I'll be able to slowly acquire more of a network of like-minded people to act as support in the future....if I'm lucky. It's a holistic/'wholistic' plan for myself which is hard to live with so far, yet one I feel is necessary to my future survival. We also have major renovations to do at home, when we're ready (it's been off-again so far) and I don't wish to subject a fur-child to all that upheaval, cuz it's bad enough for us humans to get through! So just as Annie's presence and company helped you, my dear, sweet feline girlfriends helped me....but I never, ever stopped saying that all I wanted for now was to be "just friends." The intimacy and total soul-bonding that I experienced and shared with my own kidlets remains so luminous, far-reaching and massive in my head and heart that I can't even imagine settling for anything less with anyone else...not on a full-time, totally-committed basis anyway. People can call me what they will, judge me however they like...but I KNOW myself and my general processing capability and so I have to honour that, above all else....and I'm just nowhere near ready again. And perhaps I never will be. I may even change my mind about wanting my own kidlets to reincarnate back to me...who really knows? But I'll keep serving other people's animals, and those who are homeless, just in alternate ways. And that will just have to be "good enough". I'm also still having to sit on that card, and the pictures we printed out that we'd taken of Maggie, way back, to give to her family, since at last check, it still looked like her 'dad' wasn't home from his trip yet. We printed a couple of favourite ones out for me, too, while we were at it. I just stare at them, as if doing so long and hard enough will make Maggie re-materialize outside my door...**sigh**. All I can say is: NOTHING BAD better happen to Niggsi, too, even if I can't see her here anymore, because I think I'd lose my freaking mind!

It was a 'joy' to read this again, Elizabeth - this tribute and affirmation of your love for your boy, and just as lovely to see more pics of Sunny himself. He fits so nicely into his sink. And although this new forum is too late for me and my past needs surrounding that kind of anticipation, I'm glad to finally see a place for others, like you, to share about this type of grief...a type no less real and problematic than any other kind. I'll just BET that Marty's board is the very first to include an "Anticipatory Grief" forum! But I remember it well enough to know it was just as difficult, in its own way, as the other grief that eventually follows...and oftentimes harder still due to the lack of full acknowledgment about its existence. The fears, no matter what they're about, are incredibly hard to deal with on a daily basis, so thank goodness you've been given a reprieve with your dear boy.

Not to take away from the original intent of this thread (I really should have started a new thread for that last part, but just didn't have the gumption at the time), but I want to thank you truly, Suzanne. You've got it exactly right. The recent passing of my dear furry friend, Maggie, did indeed make this doubly-painful day/holiday triply painful. (thank you, too, for taking an interest in my stories) And you're so right.... the "someone is glad I'm here" is what always helped me cope with the ugliness of this world. I wish absolutely everyone knew and fully appreciated this (and so much more) about animals. I wish everyone were like all of us here who DO, and like Dr. Trout does, too. I was SO grateful to Dr. Trout for saying that the pain of losing our fur-children was NO different in his mind and from what he's witnessed in his practice, than that of anyone who loves their human kids that intensely, and that many of us suffer all throughout their lives, besides, knowing from Day One that it's more likely we'll survive them....yet that it DOES still seem all wrong to us, just as it does in human child loss, but in our cases, regardless of the likely reality. So if you ask me, we're braver than brave for giving our hearts so completely, with this painful assumption hanging over our heads and hearts all the while, as we freely give them our hearts and souls anyway. Thank you so, so much for your innate understanding and for loving your own girl as much as you obviously do. I'd give a limb to have that kind of pure, furry love to hunker down into tonight. Bedtime has not become any easier at all, especially after a day like this.

Even though I wish he was also a complimentary medicine doc, too, I LOVE this guy. He's not in favor of tail docking, ear clipping, cat de-clawing, 'decorative' implants (some humans really ARE totally off their rockers!), etc.; compassionate and dedicated (how many vets nowadays ever attend to animal surgeries in the middle of the night??!), and most of all, he agrees with those who consider their animals to be on an equal footing (no matter how many more they may have) as human kids. What's not to love? Wish I lived in MA. And thanks to one of his stories, I'm now seriously considering the wonderful idea of legally adding a couple of other names to my middle name. What a GREAT and lasting way to honour our furkids. Thanks for another good sharing, Marty. P.S. I'd wish everyone a Happy Easter today, but I'm not in a happy enough mood to do so.... another very lonely Easter Sunday that also happens to be Nissa's 19th Month Angelversary, and everyone's forgotten her (and me) again, except for me, her ever-faithful Mom.

Elizabeth - so happy to hear better news of little Roarie! Thank-you, Mike, for your empathy and understanding. It's hard enough grieving over our own fur-family members, which isn't even understood by so many to begin with, much less to be feeling the same kind of pain over someone else's cat....how many people in this stinky world would ever be able to relate to that??? Maggie was my dear friend, and I realize that even had she been human instead, this type of loss would most likely be relegated to one of the other disenfranchised realms of loss....so I've got zero hope of being supported in this except among a few other animal-people. I just realized today that it was Maggie's mission to ALWAYS, UNFAILINGLY, somehow manage to come for a visit no matter the weather or anything else, and oftentimes an extra-LONG visit, on all of my especially-difficult days, most particularly Angelversaries for Nissa. She and I were obviously quite connected, even IF Nissa whispered in her ears, first! My head is simply reeling at what the heck I'm going to do NOW on those days!! No Maggs to help me cope?!?!? UNTHINKABLE!! Just as it's always been for any major loss, I keep replaying and replaying my last memories of her....and that beautiful and touching victory and honour she bestowed upon me, to allow me to stroke her repeatedly, scritch her under her chin, kiss her upon her head and neck, pick her up with full permission and no fuss.....I can't believe I've been so suddenly robbed of what I'd waited so long to receive. I can't walk past a door, any door, without thinking I see movement of her there....and then that sickening feeling of realization. I'm in that state of shock where you think it simply MUST, HAS TO BE a huge mistake and that she's not really and truly gone.... So much for my memory problems in the wake of my darling daughter's loss starting to clear up anytime soon, too! I'm in a fog half the time, AGAIN. This bites, it just bites. I've bought Maggie's family a really wonderful sympathy card and written some tender words in it, plus made a donation in her memory (with notice of that attached) to the no-kill shelter here which we've just been battling to save (looks like at least a reprieve for about another year). Now we just need edit a few, choice pictures of Maggie that we'd taken almost a year and a half ago, during one of her winter-time visits, to include for them. (once they're edited, I can post one or two here as well) At worst, they'll think us weird for doing so; at best, they'll know what an impact she made and that their sorrow is shared. Huh....funny thing is, though...I feel like someone should be giving ME a card, too! But I'd like to share this card with all of you, too, It says: We are all creaturesof this great earth ~ interconnected in ways beyond understanding. Take elephants. So big. So strong. And yet, when a member of the herd passes, even elephants mourn. They gather around, extend their trunks, and gently touch the tusks of their fallen friend. And it's sad. And it's beautiful. So maybe what we're trying to say is that the world doesn't expect you to be fine with this. Be how you need to be. Mourn how you need to mourn. And know that you're thought of with love.

Elizabeth, your words ring so true....thank you for those. You know, I thought the same thing myself - that is indeed why Maggie's fur was so darn soft. And it was always SUCH a delight to pat her, not only because it was such a privilege but because it never looked as soft as it really was, so it was always such a lovely surprise, time and time again! This morning as I was making the bed, I SWORE I heard Maggie's collar-bell jingle in front of me....I hope it was her....although I always HATED that stupid bell, ruining all her fun. It must be so annoying for cats to have to listen to that jingling all the time, what with their so-sensitive hearing. It's annoying enough for us humans, never mind them! It's just breaking my heart, knowing that she wasn't looked after as well as I would have liked to see, for her sake, and that now my role as helper to her has gone up in a puff of smoke, too. It feels like a total affront to me, from Source, since this is, I feel, pretty much my main reason to be here and what I have to give to the world. It's like a cruel joke, that the smaller-scale way I was fulfilling it (and more importantly, the way it brought me what little joy I could muster up from doing so as yet) has also been ripped away from me. That, in itself, is bad enough....but mainly, I feel so terribly bad for dear Maggs. She deserved so much more and I believe she was only about 8 or 9 years old, so should have had many more years of life in her here....had she been getting better, more holistic care. I've just been reminded that steroids increase appetite, and Maggie was always soooo hungry to begin with (though she was already unhealthily overweight), so I can just imagine how tortuous it must have felt for her and the "stomach fire" (a TCM term) she must have been plagued with so often. You could see it in her face....so desperate to squelch that discomfort, she was. Last I heard, her family had her on a "diet", and goodness knows what kind of diet that was - probably (considering the vets in this place) not a GOOD one, not one that would actually help & w/o adding suffering. But she'd been put on steroids for her asthma (never a solution and only really properly meant for short-term, emergency use, they're so dangerous overall) and I don't believe she was even being treated in any way for her heart, which was so obviously stressed. OH, Maaaaaggie, you poor, poor girl!! And now, on top of everything else, your life has been swiftly ended here! Goodness knows what might have been attempted, given better doctors....instead of THIS!! It's no wonder I sensed such sadness, confusion and anger coming from you when I tuned in! And I was helpless and powerless to stop any of it on your behalf. It makes me ill to think of it....it all seems like such a big MISTAKE!...the ultimate one, no less. I also realized yesterday that this is one particular scenario of a passing that I've not had before. I've suffered quite &/or fairly sudden deaths before, but at least I've always at least been there, at least in the same house, nearby, or absolutely right THERE. This is something totally new for me. NO chance at ALL to say 'good-bye', or to 'prepare' in even a tiny way for such parting. So now I have a better idea of how THAT feels for others...not that I wanted to know, first-hand. And yes, Elizabeth, I know my time here is sporadic. In a nutshell, I've been horribly busy with all sorts of things...some of which have had to do with helping animals more en masse, some personal. I've barely had time to breathe, much less help others, even MYSELF. And now I've been handed an even heavier, more challenging task - to grieve some MORE, on top of my still quite alive grief over my daughter; on top of everything else I can't catch up with. It's all too much and it's taking its toll on me. But to answer your question about this healing work - I actually took a few minutes anyway the other day to do some with little Roarie. It may not have been enough, but one can always hope, and it's all the time I could spare. So yes, I read about her but had no time to reply. And as for Kitty, oh man....what another horror story...the poor animals have so MANY to tell, it's a disgrace to the human race!!! Poor, poor GIRL!! (I've heard much, much worse, mind you.... ) But since you asked, I'd be happy to tell you how to at least get started with this work, if you're interested. It's called Reconnective Healing ® and if you simply buy Dr. Eric Pearl's book, "The Reconnection", you might, just by reading it, be able to "activate" these frequencies in your own hands, and with practice, use them to do good work on behalf of others and yourself.....if you're ready and open to them and his work (that's pretty key). The other way is to attend his seminars (held across the globe) and actually get trained in them, but that's a much more expensive proposition...although worthwhile, I believe, as there's nothing quite like a group setting/group energy and lectures to add 'punch' to work such as this. You can find more information about his work on his website (as well as just Googling his name for links) at The Reconnection. His book is available from his site as well, although you can also get it on Amazon. And also, if you're open to it, animal communicators could also help with Kitty's emotional upsets, to a much greater degree than people might realize until they've utilized such services for themselves. Often, simply by allowing the animal to speak and be heard, and tell their story to someone they KNOW is listening and trying to help on this deep level, is sometimes enough by itself to effect remarkable changes and release of stuck emotions for them. Flower essence use, either alone, or as an adjunct, is another method to consider, and many ACers now use them in conjunction with the communicating, they've been seen to be so useful an aid. I must run now as I'm doing some volunteer work at an animal sanctuary today...there's one large piggie who needs some help! At least it will get me out of the house and away from checking these doors every time I turn around, for someone who won't be showing up....

Oh, Marty..... ....thank you SO much for those special, loving words. Yes, they were needed and so appreciated. I'm stunned at how much this hurts, even though I know it's tied in with my still very present grief over my darling daughter. Still....it's a shock - both Maggie's sudden absence and the depth of my feelings for her. I just can't stop crying.....once again. And were you to come back as a lovely cat, I'm POSITIVE you'd make as perfect a one as my own girl did! And I'd probably be completely compelled to take you right in as my own, ready or not. I sure could use some wonderful fur underneath my hands right now.....and I have to admit, Maggie had some of THE softest fur I've ever felt (next to Sabin's ultra-silkiness) Maggie's was like a cloud, somehow (I told her so all the time).....I miss her so and just can't believe she was snatched away so suddenly, before I could even say a proper "See you later my dear girl, and take care until then." Despite this, I also realize concurrently that she's taught me something else.....that I'm still not ready for more than being 'just' friends with anyone yet. If it hurts this bad when that's 'all' she was, I can't even imagine how it would feel had she been wholly my own furchild. Bless their huge, helpful hearts, all - they bring with them so much teaching for us, it's incredible. Okay, back to the necessary tears now....and they sure are acridly burning on my cheeks....

Once again, I've been thrown into shock and grief. Some of you who have been here awhile may remember my 'little' friend, Maggie, whom I'd been feeding since shortly after we lost our beloved Nissa, thinking she was possibly abandoned, and whom I later found out actually lived only 2 doors away from us. I'd always believed Nissa sent her Mommy this new friend, to help ease the shock of being suddenly kidlet-less.(at least I think I'd spoken of her here) Maggie's been my steady friend ever since, visiting me almost daily except for very inclement weather days, and I came to rely upon and look forward to her visits. I'd still give her small snackies (just not very much & only because she'd never leave until I did!), and sometimes we'd play the game of Chase the Crunchie Across the Room, one at a time, so she'd get a bit of exercise and it would seem to her like there was a good amount of snack when there really was only a tiny bit. Maggie never moved very fast at all....unless there was either food or a bird or squirrel involved....and then, she was fast as lightning! Lately, I'd REALLY been appreciating her company and all she's done for me and my psyche, establishing our own little routines together and each of us looking forward to it warming up so we could spend some time outdoors together.....something I especially was so grateful for, since being in our garden, ALONE, is still so very hard for me to do. I'd told Maggie as much just a couple of weeks ago. At the same time, for the first time ever, she'd decided one day to join me on the couch, totally of her own volition w/o ANY cajoling whatsoever on my part. She stretched out with her paws against my legs, beside me, I did some healing work with her (she's taught me so MUCH with this particular form of healing!) and she purred, allowing me to stroke her head....but not TOO much....that's Maggie for you. Poor, nerve-wracked girl (hence her hissy-spitty-ness), with asthma at the very least and as I'D always suspected, a heart condition as well and possibly even thyroid disease. I'd spoken with her 'dad' about this, but I don't think he ever took it seriously to heart, especially considering he's an allopathic doctor and I was suggesting alternative means to address her conditions. We always said that had she been OURS, she likely would have been able to have become much more healthy again....*sigh*.....so my heart went out to her, always. Last Xmas, we'd been given a plate of dainties as well as a lovely card from her family, thanking us for providing Maggie with a "second home" to come to when she needed to. I was rather stunned, not expecting this, but very thankful they'd come to accept Maggie's visits as fine and dandy. Last week, we came home late one night and I soon found her outside our patio door, scratching to be let in. I was alarmed because she's NEVER normally allowed out that late, except at odd times in the summer months. I'd noticed throughout the year and a half that we've been friends that chilly air aggravates her asthma, and she's had to rest, heart absolutely pounding, breathing heavily for quite awhile, if she's been outside too long. Anyway, I immediately let her in, and she lay down right away, trying to breathe, her whole body heaving up and down with the effort. She did ask for some snacks but barely ate any. And then, she willingly leapt up on the couch again, we slipped a cozy blankie under her and I went to work with some healing.....which had her purring, kneading the blankie and looking totally relaxed, although still breathing hard. But w/i minutes, her breathing was improving and suddenly I found myself stroking her head....not just a few short times, but many....and then I leaned over her to plant several kisses on her head, a number of times....and she not only LET me (this was decidedly UN-Maggie-like!) but welcomed them! I was ecstatic! This was a moment I'd been waiting for for all the time I've known her. And yet, I'd also had this terrible thought a few months ago, that Fate might be cruel again, and once I'd finally achieved this new level of affection with her, she'd be taken away somehow from me. But in that moment, I forgot about this horrid thought and was simply enjoying our wonderful, little, shared victory. It was obvious the healing work had done some lovely 'magic.' She also, for the first time ever, didn't hiss at me when I picked her up and even let me give her MORE kisses on her head and neck as I carried her later on. I was thrilled and SO looking forward to a future friendship with this new level of trust and intimacy. I'd already called her home, but no one was answering. We would have gladly kept her overnight, although I was worried about her not getting either her regular food (whatever the heck it WAS), OR her meds........terrible, terrible STEROIDS - all that I was aware they were giving her on a daily basis for the past few months. However, as we peeked outside one last time before bedtime, we saw someone arrive at her home, so my H promptly went over to tell them we had Maggie. I believe it was Maggie's 'dad''s ex-wife, who was calling for her as my H approached. Her 'dad' had apparently been suddenly called back to his office and couldn't find her when he'd left. So goodness knows how long she'd been outside, waiting for ONE of us to let her in!! She was taken back home and her poor condition was mentioned, as I wasn't sure if she'd missed a med. or not. Either the next day or the day after, on the wknd., I'd gotten a very early knock on our door, to find her 'dad's son and either the daughter or his girlfriend there, asking if she was at our place again. They were heading out and wanted to make sure she was in before they left.....yeah. I checked in the back and sure enough, she was catching some rays on our patio....probably not even haven gotten around to clamoring at the door yet, as I'd been right there and hadn't seen her yet. So I let her in the back, but promptly scooped her up before she could even use Nissa's post for a scratch, seeing as her people were waiting....still, no hisses and allowing me to kiss her all the way to the door, where I handed her over, having already explained to her what the rush was. I said to her at the door, "Come back later and we'll VISIT some more!", and kissed her once more. The next week, I knew something was strange and I became worried. I never saw her "dad's car, the other car sat unmoving in the driveway, the car the woman had come in was still parked out front, and later another new car sat across the street for a few days. The blinds were kept drawn, I never saw any lights on.....yes, I was worried. I wondered if something had happened to her 'DAD'! I worried about who was looking after her, had something happened. And of course, no Maggie visits all week. I finally went over....on two separate occasions.....but no one answered the door. I went to check with our in-between neighbour, too, in case SHE knew anything. They were also not in. I tried more remote healing for her that night as well as a communication, as best I could. It gave me chills. The frequencies were palpable for most of the time, even while 'talking' to her. She gave me the sense of feeling very sad, confused and even a bit angry. I tried to press her for more info., but couldn't seem to get anything else clearly. I told her I'd try to find out what had happened.....and as soon as I did that, the palpable energies in my hands stopped dead, everything went cool and felt like a total VOID. I suspected I knew what that meant, but it was too upsetting to dwell upon. So yesterday, as I drove by upon coming home, I saw her 'dad's car out. FINALLY! I dashed over, catnip sprig in hand, and the son opened the door. Finally, I'd find out what the heck had been going ON all week! I immediately asked, "How's Maggie been doing??? I haven't seen her in so LONG!" As soon as I saw his eyes change, I knew........ Very shortly after I'd last handed her over at our door, her 'dad' had gone away on vacation and left his son (in his 20's I believe) in charge. And Maggie....poor, dear Maggie.....had suddenly started coughing up blood and gone into respiratory distress and her heart was affected, too. The son was advised (what else is new???!!!) to euthanize her. (understand....out here, most vets don't like to fight for an animal's life, unless people insist &/or already know something about medical possibilities or info.) He made the decision right then and there. They figured that the chill she got was so severe for her that it aggravated her asthma to this severe a point. And instead of trying to save her, she was euthanized. I started crying at their door, while the son, while looking sad, wasn't teary-eyed. He said it had been a really rough "few days", or "couple of days", or whatever short time frame he picked. I said a few words of comfort, he thanked me for "dropping by" and I went home, trying to hold it all in until I was inside. I've been crying ever since, except for the public hearing I HAD to attend last night to help fight a battle over this stupid town trying (once again) to shut down the only no-kill shelter we have in this area. (I suspect we won, at least for now, as this was the first official protest with posters, etc. this town has ever seen....and media coverage) Once home, I couldn't stop, even throughout the MOST-welcome conversation I had with a wonderful friend who'd called to support me after reading my email about Maggie's passing. No, Maggie wasn't MY girl, but I feel she was HALF my girl, or at the very least a really good, steady, dependable and potentially really loving girlfriend.....who picked up in the most welcome way for me, where my beloved Nissa had to leave off. I wasn't ready for a new furchild, so Maggie became the perfect 'solution' for ME, and where I've been at all this time. And now she, too, is just GONE! I'm still constantly checking the patio and garage door for her 1-2 visits/day. Now our different, but so-welcome rituals are gone. The special food I bought for her sits in the cupboard, her water bowl put away never to be brought out again, Nissa's post absolutely useless now, for the first time since SHE left, the catnip plant still growing....for what??? My heart, broken again.....and a link to my own girl, severed. The gift she sent me, gone. It's like losing her all over again, on top of the separate grief for Maggie, my dear friend....the other feline who helped get me through the loss of so MANY friends after I lost my Nissa. I'd JUST thanked her for that, once again, for being more dependable, more reliable, more steady and calming for me than most people have been so far through my sorrow. I'd thought the emptiness without Nissa was bad enough. But with Maggie gone, too......I feel it's going to be even more unbearable. I KNEW how fortunate I was to have her in my life almost every day. So.....although she wasn't 'mine', she was very important to me, and yes, my heart loved her, too, regardless. So Maggie.....this story is in honour of you, all that you gave me, all that I tried to give you. I KNEW you were a real sweetheart deep down, despite how your illness made you feel, so moody at times. And you and I, Maggie, we finally achieved that trust and affection I knew we could. And I know you've taken my advice and met up with my own kids, now know just how sweet my own girl and guy are, and you, them, my bird(s).....you're all together, in spirit, and in my heart. I know because you ALL paid me visits/gave me signs, just this morning. I trust your spirit body is healthy and whole again, slim, trim and ready to roll. Be well, Maggie-Mae, Maggs, my dear one.....your Auntie will try and 'talk' to you again soon....as soon as I can stop crying. I'll be missing you....much more than I ever expected I would, and so much sooner than I imagined, too. You deserved better, dear Maggie. But at least I got to be a part of your life, and I thank you for being in mine....but oh, man....my aching heart....it's gonna be SO extra-lonely around here now, without you. I just can't believe she's gone....and I HATE these all-too-familiar feelings.... (I hope to be adding a picture of Maggie once my H gets home to change the file type, since I don't know how)