Maylissa

Dear Raki's Mommy & Daddy Bird, I'm so sorry to hear about your darling Raki's transition. I'd been holding my breath ever since you first posted, awaiting this sad day, and now it has come. :( Please accept all my sincerest sympathies for what you're going through now, and in the times to come. I know it often seems far too soon after such a major loss to think of the better aspects, but I'm so glad for a few of them in your case... such as being blessed with such peaceful and love-filled final moments for all of you, most especially for Raki himself. I sighed with 'relief' myself, reading about his passage, now knowing he was spared any undue suffering. The fact that you're now able to carry those moments along with you during your grief is truly a treasure to hold closely to your aching heart. I know many of us who've lost our beloved ones would give anything to have had the same kind of experience. And although it's a double-edged sword of sorts, to have spent such a huge part of your life with someone you loved so much, and then have them suddenly not physically there anymore & the attendant pain that ensues, it is also a wonderful testament and blessing to the love & care you shared, that you were fortunate enough to have lived and loved with Raki for all of 22 years....longer than even many marriages or human friendships. But I also know how that sudden change from everything you knew and were a part of can tumble your world into chaos. So we strive to take both sides of the coin into our processes and do the best we can with it all. It's also good to know you're fortunate to have some caring co-workers who allow you to grieve as necessary and I'm sure that will be an aid to you as you go through the worst of this painful time. It was so endearing to read all about Raki's own, unique ways & that was a lovely tribute to a birdie so treasured. I'm quite sure he would have had me in stitches of sheer delight and glee, had I ever met him, and it would have been a joy to have come prepared to gift him with yet another cozy towel for his collection. (bittersweet smile here) I'm also glad you kept his wings intact for his entire life, so that he could have his freedom to fly at will. (frankly, I can't even imagine otherwise, as I think that's cruel, but I know some people do clip them for some ungodly reason) I'd have to agree that yes, most of our beloved 'animals' live those phrases so well, indeed, and leave us with much to aspire to, and I hope you can hold that up as a beacon for your life, to follow in his wise footsteps. Your precious Raki will not only wait for you, I'm sure, but will be just as near to you as your breath, as he always was. I know when my 2nd budgie (my constant pal whom I grew up with and who had free run of our house) crossed over, I was horribly depressed, with no one, really, to share my pain with (although my Mum, who felt so bad for me, did make my brother build him a beautiful teak casket, with blue velvet, quilted lining, and I oiled the outside) and one day, a couple of weeks after his passing, I opened the front door after coming home from school, still feeling that horrible emptiness, and DISTINCTLY heard him cheep his usual "Hello!!" from the kitchen, where his cage was still standing (wouldn't allow my Mother to move it yet)!!! It was SO clear and loud (the door had already been closed behind me, so it wasn't from some bird outside....besides, wild birds in Canada don't sound at all like budgies!) that I bolted into the kitchen, just in case some miracle had occurred. Well, it did and didn't. No, he wasn't miraculously back in the physical, but YES, he'd contacted me to let me know he still loved me and was still alive, just in spirit form. That was my very first ADC from a loved one, but no one knew anything about those, really, back then, so I kept it to myself. So while this board doesn't have a dedicated ADC (After Death Communication) forum, or thread, as some do, I hope you and/or Raki's Daddy will be even further blessed by any number of similar visits/signs, too, in the days ahead, and you will be able to join the large ranks of those who've been shown, time and again, that their beloveds' souls and the love shared lives on. Raki IS still with you but free from bodily pain and limitations now. That big a love never leaves, and if you talk to him (in your head or out loud), sooner or later it is my hope for you that you will know he'll always be with you. Bless Raki, and bless you and his Daddy, for all the love you created together, to shine forth forevermore and bring you peace, even through all the tears.

THIS IS A NOTICE WITH DEADLINES I just received this newsletter today & thought I'd share it with anyone who's interested in learning all about at-home hospice/palliative care for animals. Ella has been doing some marvelous work, trying to teach as many people as possible about these options, including but certainly not limited to, natural passings for our beloved ones, where possible. You can share this newsletter widely, including with any vets you think may be interested in adding this type of work to their practice. There's a wide call for it nowadays. Friends, It already feels like summer where we roam even before Solstice has arrived, and our days are brim full with activities centered around bringing options in end-of-life care for our animal companions to the forefront of public awareness. Our weekend seminar in Seattle, WA is coming up quickly, June 19-22, 2009, if you would like to join us there, we still do have some space available. Sign up online at http://www.spiritsintransition.org/calendar.htm or call Bunny at (805) 598 6496. If this is too short notice for you, the next one takes place July 31-Aug.7, at BrightHaven, http://www.brighthaven.org/ a residential animal sanctuary in California where over the last twenty years many animals have been allowed to pass in their own good time, supported in the most loving and knowledgeable way by Gail and Richard Pope and their many helpers. We are excited to announce that end of July we will start releasing the first online classes. This will happen in two parts (Level 1 and 2), ten sessions each. Both last sessions are a webinar, so questions can be asked live. About two sessions will be released every month. The beauty of the online classes is that everyone can go at their individual pace, and without having to travel. The weekend seminars will still be the fastest way to receive a lot of information in a very compact form, and contains what previous participants treasure as the "Cassie movie", a one-hour documentation of the last 48 hours of life of a darling chocolate labrador lady who shares with us that dying in ones' own good time is nothing to be feared. Be aware, due to Ella's other speaking commitments besides her practice, there will only be one more seminar after the ones mentioned above, in Los Angeles in December. We would also be thrilled to see you Labor day weekend at the second International Symposium on Veterinary Hospice Care, which will take place at UC Davis, Ca. Pencil in the date! Another exciting piece of news is that a non-profit organization is coming into being, called the International Association for Animal Hospice and Palliative Care, http://www.iaahpc.org/ . Everyone with interest can become a member and take part in forming what this organization will be all about! And just to top it off, Ella wants to share her happiness with all of you- she got married this spring! If you would like to take a peak of who the "lucky one" is, and additional info on the Symposium, the IAAHPC and other topics, click below to enjoy our spring newsletter! http://www.spiritsintransition.org/SITspringnewsletter09.pdf Feel free to forward to anyone you think might be interested! Yours in the passion for animal hospice, Ella and Bunny If you.....would like to be added to our mailing list, please let us know at spiritsintransition@verizon.net SPIRITS in Transition www.spiritsintransition.org

Dear Raki's Mom, I'm so sorry you, too, are having to go through anticipatory grief. I spent months with this as well (if not years, I was always so worried about my girl after we'd lost her brother), and I know it's anything but easy. After the fact, I can only really say that, to me, it was just as bad as the 'real' grief, but just in a different way. It is, though, in my opinion, a bit better than having a sudden and unexpected loss. Although you can't really "prepare" for the enormity of what's to follow, to my mind, when you're able to reflect upon it later (often MUCH later), the 'warning' can soften the blow just a bit....so it's sort of better than nothing. The dedication you're showing to Raki now (and in the past) will help more than almost anything, I'll bet. It did for me. The fewer perceived regrets we can ward off, the better. You're both extremely lucky to have each other and that love will never leave either of you, not now, not ever. My advice would be to trust your OWN instincts/inituition, rather than trying to rely on what any doctor tells you. They can be good for advising, asking many questions of, helping you to 'prepare', pain mgmnt., etc., but your connection with Raki is the most important and telling thing, and will help guide you if you simply open yourself to it. I know you're scared of the pain your heart will have to bear, whenever.....we all are. And we just do our best to try and live with it &/or somehow transcend it (or some of it) during our often-long grief journey afterwards. But you may as well save that for when it comes, and try not to worry overly much about it now, while it isn't in the present. What you're doing now, trying to stay in the moment as much as possible, is already "the best" you can do right now. Don't beat yourself up if you slip into thoughts of the future - just notice it, and tell yourself you're allowed to be imperfect about the whole process. You don't need added, self-imposed guilt on top of everything else. Of course you can't "picture (your) daily life without him." You've never experienced that before. Again, trying to learn how to cope with such an experience is what grieving's all about. Yes, you've been fortunate (or would that be UNfortunate? depends on your perspective!) to have not been touched by a major loss so far. But you might consider, too, that even IF you had other kids (whether human or not) as well.....would that make the pain any less? I don't think so. I still had my feline daughter here when we lost her brother. Yes, she ended up helping me TONS, but the pain was still intense, regardless. And she also became very ill from her own grief, so I had additional worries & fears to contend with in conjunction with my sorrow. And now I have no fur-children (at least, not my own), so I've experienced it both ways. Neither way was easy to take. It's all so individual. Your also doing well to prepare that "bag of things", and to learn whatever you can about the more practical matters that may come up. If you've not given some thought, too, to how and what you want done (services and other necessary arrangements) afterward, you might give some thought to that now, before you're faced with a confused and shocky mind, making all of that that much more difficult. I did much of that quite unconventionally (that's me!) and am glad I chose wisely, according to what I wanted, not what was anyone else's expectation. We all hope for that "perfect" transitioning. Some of us get a pretty decent one; others don't. All we can do beforehand is try our best to prepare the things that may aid that happening....but the rest is not in our control, much as we want/need it to be. Again, I've experienced both ends of the scale there.....and so far, I'm still here, still coping as best I can. With our girl, having learned many important things from her brother's passing, I did try to prepare everything I could possibly think of towards her having a much easier time of it....and for the most part that worked. However, there were STILL a few things taken out of my hands that were upsetting, but at least I can tell myself now that the things I did, were the ones that served her best....and served ME best, too, by extension. I did the best I could, with what I could control, and the rest was unexpected, so I couldn't have prepared for them. I still could have, conceivably, reacted in a more constructive way at the time.....but hey....when your heart is in your throat, how much can you really expect of yourself? I can't say I've fully worked through all those upsets yet, but I give myself permission to take all the time I want with that, too. So yes, yes, yes! Enjoy every possible minute you have with your beloved boy right now. Tell him everything you can think of that you don't want to regret NOT having told him, and just let that love flow between the two of you. That's something you'll NEVER regret. And if talking/typing 'out loud' to yourself is what helps, then that's what helps, so by all means, use it. Wishing you all the best that can possibly be had right now and in the future, and holding prayers in my heart for you all, (((((((many hugs)))))))) Maylissa (and my Nissa & Sabin angels)

Well, I've come back, all this time later, just to let people know that even after 3 calls to the Editor of our paper, who told me he had my letter sitting right in his file, he has never published it in our paper. The first week, they made a mistake and mistakenly RE-published another letter I'd written (on a different matter) only a couple of weeks before, INSTEAD of this new one. That's when I spoke to the Editor again, and asked about my NEW letter getting in. He acted as if it was a "done deal." The next 2 wks. there was still no sign of my letter, so I called once more, having to leave a voice-mail message, which was never returned. And since then, nothing. There was also a news story that was covered here, about a local drug house being raided. I noted there were 2 dogs mentioned briefly, but no further details on them. Later I spoke to my no-kill shelter friend and found out apparently there was a big problem in capturing one of these dogs, with neighbours having to leave out food and water, but no one allowed to step into this yard (since it was a crime scene area), and even the SPCA being given very little leeway in which to address this. The dog finally returned and was caught in a live trap....with NO food and water overnight, in a sudden, cold snowstorm, forced to sit all night on the cold metal of the trap floor, and no one allowed to help him. People were outraged....and wrote letters to the paper.......none of which were published, EITHER! As I've said many times before, this town SUCKS when it comes to animals. In all of the now-18 yrs. I've lived here, nothing has changed for the good for animals and their status. And they call themselves "progressive" and search for headlining issues and projects to put them "on the map" in Canada. But animals??? Fahgeddaboudit! The more important the animal issue, the less coverage it ever gets, and when it does, it's slanted in favour of the 'bad guys', the liars, those in the town's back pockets. THIS kind of garbage does nothing to help my grief, either! Now I know for certain that this town's officials (it's an old boy's club, including the paper) think it's O..K..A..Y to slam grieving animal guardians. We're nothing, and our grief doesn't matter a whit. And it was just these kinds of people who scared me into restricting my boy's jaunts (yes, even WITH us) many years ago, so that he ended up very frustrated and angry, which led to him developing a cancerous condition that killed him w/i a month. I can't help it -- I HATE this place! ~ as another note, one of my friends/clients has just passed away, and I also had a very upsetting experience with a lost doggie while we were on a short vacation recently...it all adds up to that much more grief to try and handle, in a place where no one gives a hoot....so I'm once again wishing I was back Home, with no one but my kidlets and their undeniable love.

Oh, Dana....I'm so very sorry :( ...for your shattered heart, and for all that your beloved Beau went through, both before you so lovingly rescued him, and for what you both experienced during his last while on this plane. Beau's life story had me in tears, bittersweet smiles, then tears again. I fully understand how 'impossible' it is to "let go" of a hugely-loved kidlet and of wishing for them the dignity of transitioning on their own terms. In the end, unfortunately it can often be the details of their circumstances that pretty much decide for us what ought to be done. You stepped up to that plate when you needed to, and that is all you can fairly ask of yourself. (but I also understand your angst around it all) Putting yourself in his place in trying to make your decision, is also one of the fairest, most equal and honorable ways you could have possibly approached this, so know that you did as well as anyone could have. Please don't feel you need to apologize for "humanizing" Beau. We humans are not really at any self-conceived 'top' of anything, but are in a spiritually-equal place with any other being. Would that the human species would choose to be as great, loving, tolerant and open-hearted as other species usually are. Perhaps the greater compliment would be for us to 'animalize' ourselves instead! So always remember... "For one species to mourn the death of another is a noble thing" ~Aldo Leopold~ Life is life - whether in a cat, or dog or man. There is no difference there between a cat or a man. The idea of difference is a human conception for man's own advantage. ~Sri Aurobindo ~ And the same goes for a ferret, or anyone/'thing' we choose to love, respect &/or honor.... Your love for Beau, and his for you (and his other family members) speaks for itself, as does your heart-rending poem, none of which will go 'to waste' or unnoticed in the spiritual realms. May Beau be peacefully enjoying his fully-restored spiritual body now, sitting both beside you and inside your heart , forever and ever, even through your tears....

Hi Mikey, Good to see you still checking back. Well, for me, it now being just over 2.5 years since my darling girl, Nissa, 'left', I can say even though it's not normally the same kind of searing pain and total panic of whatamIgonnadoWITHOUTher?!?!?!?! as in the (long-lasting) beginning, she's still forever in my still-broken heart, each and every day, many times/day. As she will always be. I still have moments when I'd rather just die, so I can go and be with her, and her equally-beloved brother, but these moments are also often a reflection of what else is missing in my life, and how nothing can really top what my kids gave me. Their LOVE.....although always with me, it's not exactly with me in the same WAYS as when I could physically pick them up and both demonstrate and receive back the physical expressions of that. And that still hurts, and probably always will, if the over 9 years since 'losing' my boy is any indication. But it IS still there, as demonstrated by the countless signs they've never stopped sending me all along. And my heart expands the same way it always did when they were here, every time I get a particularly poignant one and I'm once again, so incredibly grateful for their love and abiding presence. So I still say.....if I'd had to go without everything they both gave me, everything they both taught me, about love, life and the REAL realities of the universe....it would have felt like a wasted life for me. Without their boundless love, I would have experienced very little to none at ALL. My life would have been an even worse nightmare than I've found too much of it to be otherwise. Most of my better points, I developed because of choosing to make my kids such a huge part of my life, so how could I ever regret that? So in that sense, and despite how horrible it is to miss them physically now, for me, YES, it was better to have loved, at least to have loved and been loved, by THEM. At least through them, I discovered that I AM and was/am wholly lovable, and that I can love wholly back. But after almost 20 years of receiving the purest love in the whole universe, it's hard to settle for any less. So overall, if I could instead be with them fully again, rather than here, I'd be back with them in a heartbeat.

Dear Kimberly, What a beautiful story you wove here, allowing us to get to know your darling Smudge (and Calli, too)...even though I'm sure you could write about her all the time and "never get tired," as there is always, always more to tell. The heart is not bound by the seeming constraints of time, when love runs that deep, for such love is truly "timeless." I find it's akin to being the writer her/himself, being taken on such a journey, heart opening & being warmed, smiling, chortling in agreement, reliving one's own similar remembrances....but holding my breath all the while, knowing what's coming in the 'end,' and so also reliving the opposite feelings that are all so common to grief. Such is the power of sharing. But through it all, the heart still opens... And so, may I offer my complete condolences to all 3 of you, for your loss of Smudge...as well as for your loss of Elric, not that long ago. No matter how long or short our earthly relationships with our beloved ones are, it's the depth of those relationships that count, as so many who've known and loved animal companions have quickly discovered. And despite not being linearly long, yours with your dear Smudge was clearly full and rich, as well as filled with respect for her individuality. Perhaps she will send you loving messages in the form of songs, since that was such a big part of your daily life with each other. I know my kidlets do, as I sang to them as well, changing words around to fit them, just as you'd done for Smudge. Taking on pain ourselves so that they don't have to is one of the most selfless acts that can come from love. You did that, and you were there with and for her during her transition. Your little 'cloud' girl is now as unencumbered as one, with no failing body to hinder her spiritual essence, and I hope you can eventually take some solace from that, even if not just yet. She was beautiful in the physical and she still is, in her spirit's depth and breadth, living on and still loving you, as always. Again, I'm so sorry...

As for studies, I thought I should add two things of general, but massive, note: In an online discussion on her blog, Lynn McTaggart has stated: "That statistic is from JAMA, 2000, 284 (1): 483-5. I have that and many more details like it in my book What Doctors Don’t Tell You and newsletter of the same name (www.wddty.com). The JAMA article says that correctly prescribed drugs and procedures are responsible for a quarter of a million deaths per year in America alone. To put that into perspective, every single week correctly prescribed medical drugs and procedures kill twice the number of people who died from the 9/11 Twin Towers tragedy . Or, to look at it another way, in America, where 40,000 people are shot dead every year, you are almost six times more likely to be killed by orthodox medicine than by a gun." You can read about the stated study (above) here, and here is a similar rundown, along with all the related studies to back the findings: Click here. These are the types of things we should all know about, yet most don't......and why I'd rather use other, much safer & self-empowering methods by which to effect healing.

Heh-heh-heh.... I 'get' your sentiments, Kay, foisted-upon-us ignorance or not. An active sense of humour is ALSO a good way to effect self healing! See the story of Norman Cousins.

That was a very touching video of Barbaro's vet's reaction. Thanks for sharing that. (although I'm still not a fan of any 'sport' that uses animals, regardless of his views on that) As they say, especially when we've had to deal with and provide support/aid for an illness or condition in our animals, the bonds become that much stronger. And if this was after only 8 months spent with him....it shouldn't be ANY stretch of the imagination to realize how much worse it is for us who've been our animal's parent, sometimes for almost decades. But yes, he's got it right -- those who don't get it, just don't get it. I often wonder, though....how is it that other humans can't or won't react at least to the obvious pain shown in others of their own darn species?!! Does the cause have to matter that much before they'll open their wizened hearts? As someone on another board said, one's own loss needn't diminish another's. Anyway, I managed to get a letter done that was (only) about 100 words beyond their stated limit, so we'll see. They've published many others' longer letters before, so I'm hoping they won't chop mine to bits...if they print it at all. I also did find out that this couple had lost a son, to a drowning, and if I recall correctly now, I think he was already a young adult. So, yes, their loss is real, and only about 2 years old (close to my own length of mourning), but I still maintain that the way they chose to attack this woman AND all other animal lovers was wholly uncalled for. They could have kept their contemptuous derision within the confines of the walls of their own home. When I was in searing agony over my own losses, I didn't go around stomping on other people's mourning, just because theirs wasn't the same as mine. It was people like THIS couple who made mine so much worse, almost everywhere I went. Whether my letter makes any dent in their chosen armour or not, I hope it will reach at least a few others -- either other animal lovers who've suffered similarly, or those who've lashed out against us and perhaps may still change their minds, even a bit, now. In fact, today marks 2 Years and 7 Months since I last held my own girl, Nissa, in my arms , and as I relive some of both the 'good' and the 'bad' moments of our lifetime together, and break down in tears throughout the day, I can't help reflect that it is directly BECAUSE of the pain in my own heart and soul that I simply cannot imagine maligning, out of hand, someone else's grief, no matter WHO or WHAT they consider worthy of their tears.

Dear Tim, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Nikomi (what a beautiful name!), and wanted to assure you that you're by no means "crazy" to be feeling such grief over losing someone who was so near to your heart. As they say, the species doesn't matter -- the relationship does. Don't listen to those nay-sayers and their shallow comments. I've had a bucket of those myself (over both companion animal AND human losses....groan) and trust me, they're not worth even considering. People like that just don't understand how deep feelings can run, nor how honorable it is to be able to love another species just as much, if not more so, than our own. I visited Nikomi's tribute page and it's very clear you and he, and his buddy Chinook, shared grand relationships with each other. I was moved to tears by his lovely video tribute and also enjoyed, in a bittersweet way, The Chinook & Nikomi Show (using Sabre Dance as the music was genius) as well as a few snippets of Ferret Adventures....the one where Nikomi's cute fangs were sticking out as he snoozed....at least I assumed that was Nikomi. I love all animals and adore ferrets, too, as they're actually quite a bit like felines. Nikomi and Chinook's playtime & movements reminded me SO much of my own with my kids, and made me smile. Everything you're doing /not doing, and feeling, is absolutely normal for anyone in mourning, and numerous other people have done the same, including not washing things that belonged to their beloved one. That will likely also help comfort your other ferret(s?), too, having something with Nikomi's scent markings around yet. Looking to have something named after your dear boy is a lovely idea, too, and I hope you find success with such a glorious and lasting tribute! When people die, they are always remember in conversation, holidays, etc but who will remember my Nikomi? No one just me and that bugs me. **sigh** Yes, I know that feeling well, too. It just makes you feel all the more alone in your sorrow & in the world. My H is not one to go for such sentimentality and so I was always and still am the only one who ever even mentions our furkids' names, or recounts stories and memories of them. This makes it extremely difficult to share with him to keep their memories alive & bring ME comfort, and I often still can get quite angry about that. In fact, today (the 23rd) is my girl, Nissa's (the grey girl in my avatar), 2 Year & 7 Month Angelversary and am faced with that ever-present emptiness all by myself again, as I do the 23rd of every month. Even after sharing with him all I've learned and experienced about grieving over a number of years and losses now, including the "Do's & Don'ts" from others to you, he's sometimes 'commanded' me to "get over it already!" That hurts beyond words, and it's doubly heartbreaking to know that even Nissa's own Daddy doesn't truly 'get it'......not deeply, in his very heart and soul. And that just makes me miss my girl, and my guy, even more. So please don't allow yourself to feel in any way 'lessened' by your deep grief over Nikomi. If I had a partner who was as in touch with their soul and who recognized what THE single-most important thing in the universe was (deep, deep love), I'd have had, and be having a much easier time of it. People like YOU (and myself) are the more enlightened ones. As for a continuing life, I not only believe in that from a spiritual perspective, but also from a scientific one. Energy (what we absolutely ARE, from both perspectives) cannot disappear or 'die' at all. So your dear Nikomi has only changed form in his essence. I've received literally dozens of signs of continuing life from both of my furkids....the most in sheer number & immediacy from my girl, the more tangible & shared/witnessed ones from my boy (Nissa's blood brother), and also ones from my human family. You might wish to check out the whole Angel Animals line of books by Allen and Linda Anderson, as well as the acclaimed "Animals and the Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan , to find some comfort in the reality of this. If you, like me, are also bolstered by the scientific side of things, you may want to take a peek at The Conscious Media Network , especially the 2 Dannion Brinkley interviews & the Dr. Gary Schwartz one on The Afterlife, but also many others that speak to The Field/Mind of God/The All-That-Is, or any number of other names for what we're all a part of, and yes....including everything/one that ever existed. (you might even, whenever you're feeling better, like the one with Scott Taylor, on dolphins, celebrating the grander wonders of other species, beyond the human one) In the meantime, cry, curl up and be as gentle with yourself as you need to and know that you're not by any means alone in your sorrow. And if your other furry family member(s?) are also grieving, let yourselves comfort each other, too.

Thank you both, Marty and Kath, for your help with this. I intend to use some choice ideas &/or quotes from you Marty, as best I can fit them in, as the other challenge is the paper's mere 400 word limit on letters! It's so hard to address such a large issue in such a limited amount of space, so I'm not sure even your credentials will fit! But since I'll likely be the only one in this place to even respond, I feel I need to do as bang-up a job as possible, so as to help re-educate all who read it. (I need a WEEKLY COLUMN OF MY OWN, really! ) I did more research on this couple in the meantime and found out a few things. First, while this man may or may not have been a volunteer firefighter in our town at one time, someone else thinks his wife was possibly either an ambulance driver or paramedic or something here. But what IS a certain fact is that both of them are heavily into "ranch roping" of animals, so it's not too surprising then that they'd hold such disrespectful attitudes for animals. I also suspect it was really the wife who wrote this, given its high emotionality content. The strange thing is, in an obit. for their father, there was NO mention of THEM having lost a child....only of a nephew of their father having predeceased him. There were no other obits. related to their names, so for all I know, they could have just been using this as some sort of excuse to rage against that woman's ideas and feelings. (I wouldn't put it past the people in this town to do such a thing...) I did, btw, consider that they may have lashed out partly in response to their own pain, uncalled for as that is, but now I'm doubting there even was such a loss for them. Many people in this town are just petty and cruel & can't stand to see animals given any consideration. Why do you think we don't have any Emerg. services for them in the first place? It wouldn't even cross the local vets' minds. So Kath.....OMG, I'm so sorry you ever had to lose a beloved dog that way AND to have to suffer even more with that driver's horrid comment at the same time! But that's just the kind of thing you'd likely hear around this place, too, unfortunately. They DO shoot cats and dogs here, a LOT, and even far worse things that give me day-mares. But this is why I think it's so important for me to try my best to make inroads into this issue, in a paper that a lot of locals read. Of course, I can ALSO send healing thoughts this couple's way, too, but the letter is just as important. I just can't address ALL the issues in this one response, though, given that short word limit. (part of my frustration & challenge) This poor dog would have suffered a MINIMUM of an hour, as I know what Emerg. clinic they finally ended up at in the city to the north. I also noted that this couple thought whoever did the "hit and run" shouldn't have ANY blame /responsibility/guilt/whatever you want to call it, attached to them, which is really screwy, too. But again, I may have little or no room for that issue, either. Regardless of what I finally come up with, I may need a bodyguard for myself afterward, if it's even printed, that is.

I don't know if anyone can help me with this, but I've been asked by a friend to write a Letter to the Editor in response to another one written by irate parents who took offense to a previous letter, and I can't find a THING on the 'net that might help me compose a proper response, considering the comparisons made between animal companion loss and human child loss - there's nothing really helpful and specific out there about this, it's still such a 'taboo' subject. I'm so upset myself over this exchange, I can't seem to come up with the right way to tackle it. The first letter was this one: I am very upset that on a weekend after hours (noon) there is not a vet in (3 towns) who can be on call for an emergency. Unfortunately, March 7 a dear friend’s dog was hit by a van in front of my house in "town x" (who by the way did not even stop, just drove away). The dog did not have a chance but we at least had to try, I phoned seven different vet clinics in the area and no one could help us. We drove to the "x" emergency clinic in "x" they confirmed the outcome and had him humanely put down. Why did the dog have to suffer for over two hours when he could have been put down immediately? To all of you, who think that “it’s just a dog or cat” they are our kids and we love them just as much as you love your children. The hospital has a doctor for humans on call on the weekends, why can’t the vet clinics take turns on the weekends so we don’t have to drive to the city and make the animals suffer. I guess they are not as important. I have had animals all my life, cats, dogs, horses and can’t imagine life without one. All of my “pets” which have come from rescue organizations or are the “cats that are not wanted”. All have been spayed or neutered and they give us unconditional love, never complain except when I am a little late with dinner, and the best we can do is to make them suffer longer when they are hurt? Here is the letter that followed this week: In response to "x's" letter.... - How dare you compare a dog or cat to our children. How dare you assume that the love for our children even remotely compares to the love of our pets. How dare you lay the blame on the driver of the van who hit that dog and not on your friend who was negligent by letting that poor creature run on the street. Ms. "x", we too have owned many animals we love them dearly. Guess what happens when one of them dies? We mourn quickly then go get a new one. Have you ever experienced the loss of a child? Obviously not. We have and again we say, how dare you. I'm so distraught myself over such an inconsiderate and non-compassionate response to the first woman's plea, that I can barely think straight.....knowing there are people like this right in our neck of the woods, and to make matters worse, I happen to know that the man involved in the 2nd letter was, or possibly still is (!), one of our local firemen. Lord help any poor animals caught in a burning building if HE'S on call! I found this letter to be so sickening on so many levels, I can barely speak. Marty?......any suggestions from an animal bereavement counselor's (with exceptional writing skills!) point of view???? Anything I might quote? Anyone else who might have some wise suggestions? I only have tomorrow to get this in in time for next week's paper, if possible. In my view, these people (and probably many more here) need some re-education, in several departments.

Dear Rita, Twix 'was'/still is SUCH a sweetie. It's not hard to see why you love her so. Thank you for helping US remember her, too. Having just recently passed the 2.5 Year Angelversary of my own girl, Nissa, I know all-too-well that the "heart still aches from the emptiness of you being gone," too. So just know that you're not alone in that feeling. May your day of remembrance have been filled with the love that never dies, however it may have expressed itself.

Speaking of antidepressants again, I just received this notification today.....yet another alarming link between commonly prescribed pharmaceuticals and death, this time specifically in women: Antidepressants Linked to Sudden Cardiac Death If you know a woman who takes antidepressants, pay attention! The Journal of the American College of Cardiology is about to publish a new study that links antidepressants with sudden cardiac death in women. You'd think those findings would have the mainstream medical community thinking twice about recommending antidepressants…but no. Instead, the researchers had this to say (according to HealthDay): "The finding doesn't necessarily mean that antidepressant drugs are dangerous." Which strikes me as ridiculous, because 'sudden cardiac death' sounds very dangerous to me. Bottom line: Even though this study shows us clearly that antidepressants are especially dangerous for women, it can be just as dangerous to stop taking them cold turkey, so talk to your doctor before you make any changes…but talk to him today! ___________________________________________________________________________ And for another discussion of healing that comes from within: I'm a big fan of Gregg Braden's work, for one. I've been listening to a more recent podcast by him and am, as usual, so impressed by how he presents and ties in for us lay-people, so many discoveries and principles of a scientific and ALSO spiritual nature. This last one is a sort of re-hash of a recent film I'd seen featuring his work, but it goes into even more detail on a few really exciting things from the film. It's laid out SO well, giving such a good, grand overview of how these discoveries, STILL not widely known in the mainstream, absolutely change our entire view of the world and universe, and most importantly, since Gregg seems to be such a pragmatist, HOW WE CAN USE THIS KNOWLEDGE TO RADICALLY AFFECT OUR WORLD....including (but not limited to) changing/eliminating illness or dis-ease of any sort, in others and in ourselves. This link that I'm going to provide is different from others I've provided before, though, in that I had the privilege of accessing this interview for free through my subscription to HayHouse's "Wisdom Community" yearly membership. But I'm SO blown away with this presentation through HayHouseRadio events, that I really wanted to post it anyway because I think anyone else can access this podcast, albeit for a very small fee of under $5. One need only subscribe to HayHouse (free to do so) and then I think you can, even if NOT a paid-for "Wisdom Community" member, still purchase the streaming replay of this (and other talks) for either the $5 (and you could, at this point, just record it for yourself from your computer's speakers) or a higher fee for a permanent download for re-listening. HayHouse also has many other daily radio show events that you can listen to live and many are often repeated as replays, for no fee. So it's a wonderful, ongoing resource of cutting edge topics. But for this one in particular, my personal focus relates mainly to healing dis-ease (grief is an inner state of dis or non-ease, too), even for things such as "inoperable, cancerous tumors" and the like, AS WELL AS finding TRUE comfort (not just 'flowery' words) in the now-indisputable fact that everything/one IS all connected and is not just a religious construct, as some think.....therefore marrying science with spirituality in the most eloquent and wondrous of ways. And THIS helps with my grief and 'coming to terms' with all related issues. So IF you're interested in finding out more, Gregg's talk is called "The Divine Matrix: The New Discoveries that Change Everything" (and he's not kidding!) and is available at this link. If you visit there you can also poke around and see what other speakers have been featured, or who are 'live' right now, or you could just buy his book(s), if you prefer reading! In any case, this is the kind of thing that has helped me not only continue to evolve personally (and globally in my Higher sense), but believe w/o a doubt, that nothing that contained love ever could possibly die, and that there's SO much more we can all learn to do to create miracles while still on earth.....for all creatures, human and non-human, living here. I also transcribed some of the most key parts of Gregg's podcast, for those of you who don't want to, or can't purchase this talk. So in a very small nutshell of this entire talk, here that is: The 2 greatest FALSE assumptions we've all been taught up until now are: 1.) the space between things is empty (that 'space' comprises about 96% of our universe) & that therefore, everything is separate. 2.) our most profound and deepest inner experiences (feelings, emotions, thought, belief) have no effect on our 'outer' world. Nothing, in fact, could be further from the truth. Just as where the greatest ancient, spiritual traditions had started out telling us, now science has found that our bodies and our world are literally materializing, emerging and re-emerging continuously from what is now often called The Field, the Divine Matrix, the Divine Mind, the Mind of God (whichever name appeals to you most).......a field of intelligent energy that fills the space we'd thought was empty, and that actually permeates our bodies. Emotion and belief are the 'language' that translate what's in that invisible field into the physical realities in our bodies and our world. This "internal technology" means that heart-based feeling & emotion changes the DNA of our bodies, produces quantum effects in the "field" and changes our physical world, all based on the power of feeling and belief. Feeling is the union of thought and emotion, and feeling and belief are very closely related. When you believe something to be true or not true, you have a strong feeling about that belief. Feeling and belief = the union of something that we're thinking consciously or subconsciously, fueled by our love or our fear (the 2 primary emotions) for what we're thinking consciously or subconsciously. Feelings happen in our hearts and our hearts are where we create the 'language' that the field recognizes. It's the feeling or the belief that becomes the 'language' that the Divine Matrix recognizes. And feeling has magnitudes more power than thought, as far as creation is concerned. Your heart's electrical field (the EKG) is up to a hundred times stronger than the electrical field of your brain (EEG), and your heart's magnetic field is up to five thousand times stronger than the magnetic field created by your brain. (the heart's magnetic field is now known to extend at least a few FEET beyond the body & possibly much further) So if you're going to change your body, or your physical world, which are both made up of electrical and magnetic fields of energy (not separate atoms as was once thought), your heart is definitely the way to do this through.....through its "heartwaves." The key is to effect this through feeling "as if" our prayers are already answered, "as if" the 'miracle' has already happened, "as if" what we want to see is already manifest. The FEELING is the prayer/the code/the 'language'. This is all now FACT, not just new-age thinking or flowery metaphor. Our reality is soft, maleable and the future has yet to occur. We are choosing, right now, the building blocks of that reality, through our feelings, beliefs and thoughts, but mainly through our FEELINGS. This talk also includes the documented facts on a woman who was healed, in the REAL TIME of just under 3 mins., from the "inoperable bladder tumor" mentioned previously, in case that, too, intrigues you. (I watched the actual real time footage of this in Gregg's film, where you could see the tumor swiftly & totally disappear; Gregg details in his above talk why this was NOT one of those hoaxed healing events) Linked to these facts and new technology is the Institute of Heartmath, which you might also wish to check out.

Hi Kath, I even used to use kinesiology at times, using myself as a "surrogate", to discover which Flower Essences, for example, would be more helpful to my fur-girl. It has a wide range of applications. You can also use it to test any substance or food for your better health. There was an experiment where artificial sweetener (Aspartame) was placed in an envelope, while another envelope contained Vit. C. The test subject held one, then the other while muscle testing was done (not knowing what was in either envelope), and it was quickly evident that the sweetener tested "bad" for her body, while the Vit. C tested "good." Everything is connected and so communicates with everything else, innately. I'm a bit more familiar with EFT methods (and other more closely related methods), and these can be done on your own quite easily. So you might want to check out these 2, and the related videos listed on the right side, on Faster EFT/NLP, developed by Robert Smith. (a short rundown of the philosophies behind these methods) and, You'll have to keep your eyes open for the first time, in order to see where you tap (and how fast you tap), then you can replay it hitting the Pause button as needed to feel your own feelings before continuing with the process. It helps if you're familiar with the usual EFT tapping points (Robert doesn't use as many of them, though) and you can find a diagram on these here. I'm assuming Robert is probably using the "Karate Chop" point at the end of each sequence here, although we can't see his hand at the ends. It's absolutely wonderful that you'd found something that obviously really worked for you to overcome your addiction so long ago! Way to go, girl! But as we know, life is a constant series of challenges to deal with, made worse for us if we haven't "cleared" ourselves of old patterning/beliefs. There are so many easier ways now to effect this, thankfully, and even if we have to continue to work on these things our whole lifetime, at the very least we can minimize the damage we do to ourselves by giving ourselves such gifts of self-empowerment.

You're most welcome, Marty, as always! This is really just the tip of the iceberg of what I've learned about in the last decade or so, though. I did read Rob's comments but haven't yet had time myself to check out his entire website. However, I was somewhat familiar with Psych-K a few years ago. It, and many other newer modalities have a lot to offer and the possibilities for healing on every level of existence abound everywhere now....still including many of the much older and wiser ones, such as one of my favourites, Homeopathy, also an "energetic" science. Pysch-K is yet another form that is similar in certain ways to some of the other methods I've posted about here before, such as EFT, TAT, SRT, etc. They all work in some way with the subconscious, which, for those who haven't listened to any of these interviews before, is actually the part of us that controls something like 95-99% of our thinking, and therefore shapes what we experience....again, on all levels. The Conscious Media Network site remains one of the most interesting compilations of what's really been going on 'out there' for quite awhile already, yet most people aren't even vaguely aware of such things, and I feel the time is more than upon us to avail ourselves, as much as we possibly can, of these 'newer' discoveries. Of personal note for me, included on their site is an interview (of many others) with Dr. Eric Pearl, the man I personally trained with in 2007 to get my Level III Practitioner qualification on Reconnective Healing ®, which has replaced, or 'overwritten' my previous Reiki technique/modality. I've had some fabulous success and results with it, for both animals (my favourite focus, natch! ) and humans, and will be setting up my formal practice as soon as I can get all the bus. and website details in place. So you may wish to also listen to that one as well. I can personally attest to its power and efficacy (aside from the major scientists who have and still are involved in scientific studies with it, having already proved it is real, and powerful) and have worked with mainly a number of different animals over the past year, which is hugely gratifying when I see them heal within days! Along with some of these now-famous people, Dr. Pearl is also featured in a new movie about to premier, called The Living Matrix. There is a short trailer here for the movie. It will be premiering in London very soon, then making its way across the globe. There is so much we can still learn, and have yet to learn, and I've also been very grateful to see so many other like-minded people, including the more progressive sectors of the scientific community, rapidly coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, in the last few years. I don't feel as alone now in that way, and while I've been trying to find new meaning for my life after all my losses, especially my darling gal's, this has been a huge help. I know what I've always been here on earth to do and now I've found an even better way to accomplish that. It's not that I still don't suffer, but discovering how we're all TRULY connected, even in scientific terms, has allowed me to move forward despite my sorrow and MISSING of my kidlets. One more step, slowly, but surely.

Being quite involved myself in the newer sciences and energy-type healing work, and knowing and remembering how many people here and elsewhere are almost always automatically prescribed drugs to somehow 'help' with their grief, sometimes for many years on end, I wanted to offer everyone the SELF-empowerment that can arise from this awareness-building interview with Dr. Bruce Lipton, PhD, as an alternate way to effect personal healing, no matter the problem, but obviously including emotional issues such as grief. If you haven't enjoyed the side effects of such chemical use, this is particularly for you. But even if not, it's worth a listen. Consider it another form of a "New Beginning" for your life and for how you view the world, the universe and beyond. His whole talk is really centered around genes (may sound boring, but it's definitely NOT!), but he makes specific mention near the beginning about drugs like Prozac, which I think you may find extremely enlightening. It's about 1/2 hr. long and there are also many other highly interesting and helpful interviews on this network. Of particular interest to those here, you may want to also check out the ones by Dannion Brinkley, among a few others. Conscious Media Network - interview with Dr. Bruce Lipton, PhD

Here's a song by Karen Drucker that I'm currently listening to as part of an Extreme Self-Care yearly workshop/class I'm taking. It can easily be applied to the self-care that's so important during mourning, especially around our feelings. Get out the tissues, though... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihWYx-QJ95I.

As I spend another Angelversary mark today for my fur-girl, in tears and sorrow, I was just listening to "Sand and Water" (written by Elton John, actually) myself and wanted to also share a couple more of her beautiful, heart-wrenching songs.... and (unfortunately, some of her other musical videos have disappeared now from their site)

puffysmammyforever, Please accept my heartfelt condolences for your very real grief over your soulmate and darling, Puffy. It hurts more than you ever imagined, I'm sure. For me it's been 2 years and almost 2 months since my fur-daughter left this plane. She was the largest part of my world, and as her Mother, I know it will always hurt, just as it still does about her brother (my fur-son), whom we lost 6.5 years before her. The only way I can imagine I might not stay hurting is if I can have a direct and personal experience of actually crossing this plane into the one they're in, temporarily, and thereby KNOWING what it's like for them there (and what it will be like for me, too, someday), KNOWING exactly how they're doing, and essentially communing with their essences in the fullest of ways, however that might be. However, I can still say that although I can, so far, still have a good number of moments where my heart is screaming out, "I really can't stand being without them anymore!," that intensity DOES pass once again, and I go about my days in my "new normal" as best I can. Through this time, I have experienced some joys again, even if they're not (yet?) as 'brilliant' as they once were, when both of my kids were still here, or even when just my girl was still here. But there's still barely a moment when my girl isn't in my thoughts somehow, some way. That said, everyone's different, and I've heard of many others who are farther along this empty road than I. But again, each to his/her own, and I happen to be one of the slower ones to heal. Most people who were incredibly attached to their furbabies say that a piece of them is forever missing, though. But how that 'looks' and feels is still very individual. Just remember that your grief is still very, very new, so give yourself as much time as YOU need, as it's a real roller-coaster of emotional upheaval. How long that will last is again very individual. Many of us cannot function worth beans for quite awhile, so don't panic about it. Just allow yourself the permission to feel whatever you do, for as long as it takes. It does ease up in time, with reflection and just going through your own processes, though. Be patient, just as you would have with your dear Puffy. We need to treat ourselves with kindness and compassion during our mourning. I knew it would be hell-on-earth for myself, too, and it was, and still is in some ways, but the thing is, you still have to go through it the way it will be (which can be unpredictable & predictable, depending) for YOU. Hang in there as best you can (which might feel like "not at ALL!" at times) and write about whatever you need to here, whenever you want. Grief...is only the beginning. After a time it becomes something less sharp, but larger too, a more enduring thing called loss. ~Anna Quindlin~

Hi everyone, and thank you all for your thoughts and for trying to help me through this latest bump. I'm considering the letters (whether I send them or not) and the idea is a sound one...IF I can find the energy, and even the time!, for it. I've got a lot going on right now and composing 3 or 4 letters would take me quite awhile, so we'll see. It's rather a conundrum as I also resent even having to take my energy away from other things in order to address this 'new' pain, and for the most part lately, I've been trying to practice holding intentions of what I'd rather see (for whatever) instead of focusing on what's wrong. To me, this whole disruption feels so much like a part of "the old" that is currently falling away, energetically, in the world, and so in one way I don't even want to give it any energy (on a quantum level) for it to hold onto and therefore stick around, rather than just die right out. So I'm conflicted about what would be best. However, what you said, Annie - "Just reading about it all, made my head spin." - really helped a LOT...and thank you for that. That's the kind of validation that always helps me. Just being heard and having someone recognize &/or share in the feelings that surround such craziness, helps spread the pain out. Just to more or less hear back that yes, these people are nutso and cause such suffering by their ridiculous actions.... Even though I know this for myself and don't really NEED that kind of validation from 'outside', it still somehow helps to hear it anyway. (I'm sure you all know what that kind of sharing can do to ease the burden) Leanne, I don't feel even remotely responsible for their actions/inactions. I'm just pissed like mad about theirs because they've really stomped on MY toes, with no regard for either me, nor what were clearly the better things to do in this situation. It's not like I haven't been finding my own way &/or joys (such as they are since losing my fur-girl) all this time, and frankly, for many years already...it's the fact that they keep rather interrupting my own 'flow' with their craziness, out of the blue. And I know I wouldn't feel as much 'pressure' from the hurt if I at least had a substitute family, in friends. But I don't really, so every slight they fling my way hurts all the more because there's not really much to buffer it, or to help fill in the craters that are blown open anew each time they do things like this. It's not about just giving up "certain" family members. Heck, that's old hat by now! I've had to give up every last one of them through the years. With each new loss, more have been dumped, so there's not one left now whom I'd ever trust again with my heart. And THAT's what's so heart-breaking. There's NO ONE LEFT and you'd think I was 90 already, with all the loss I've experienced in the last few years. I'd already given up ever hoping any of them would be there for me (they're incapable) in troubled times. But worse, they DEVISE those troubled times FOR me, and then rub salt in the very wounds they helped create. And while I can, of course, have my own legacy, so far it's rather a sad one, at least for me. It's still ongoing, naturally, but frankly, there is no one who is going to write 'pretty' things about me should I up and die any time soon. It's complicated to explain, but that's honestly the way it stands right now. And a large part of that is directly because I've got no one left who thinks very highly about me, or what I've created in my lifetime. And who can say if this is ever going to change? I've been trying for decades to make a difference and while I can feel proud of what I've accomplished, that's where it ends. Despite whatever legacy I might build regardless, my family's legacy would still stand alongside mine, simply because it IS also a part of my life, like it or not. I will now have to either avoid answering certain questions from people, or have to tell the truth....which is crazy and makes people shun me (as if it's MY fault these things happened; you know how people are...). Say, for example, I next visit the doc, and he asks me what my father died of, for his medical assessment (not that I personally believe this has anything to do with MY health, or lack thereof, but that's how mainstream medical thinking works). And I will have to say "I don't know. I never learned his cause of death." What do you think that sounds like, and what do you think the doctor will think? No, of course his opinion doesn't really matter, but, FRICK! It's humiliating as heck! It's as much as saying loud and clear - MY FAMILY DIDN'T LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME ENOUGH TO MAKE SURE I KNEW SUCH A BASIC THING. And people being the way they are, they'll make it reflect on ME, like it or not. I've SEEN the sideways glances, all throughout my life, as if I had to have been at fault somehow for what ended up happening. It hurts. It always hurts. Anyone have any more specific ideas of how I might apply this in this particular case? I also don't want to give the wrong impression here. It's not like I'm going about my days in nothing but rage, focused only on this craziness. The hurt and anger only comes up if I think about what's happened. That said, I know I still need to purge it out....again....like I've done as best I could countless times before. However, given that I'm so busy with numerous projects, and given the resentment I have about spending yet MORE money (that I SHOULD have had from the estate, no less) in order to go get more therapy directly because of them AGAIN, I'm averse to paying for more treatment, period. It would seem simply TOO ironic to me to have to fork out once more from my own coffers when I should have, by rights, been ADDING to my funds instead. And I certainly won't be sending any cards or making any calls, as if everything's hunky-dory. I haven't been contacting any of them (except for this last call to my cousin) for quite some time now. I avoid any contact with these people whenever I can help it, which is all the time unless something like THIS requires my attention. I already know they're not worth putting myself in the line of fire for. This was a totally unexpected development and I'd only wanted to find out what was going on with these ashes, but only because I was called first. My Aunt, as per her usual tactic, likely only called me because my brother got mad at her last they spoke...so now I'm the only one left who might talk to her again. Her daughter, my cousin, is usually too mad at her to talk to her, either (like the present). So I'm just the only possible choice left for her. And now that most of her siblings have died, she's probably also getting panicky about her own mortality. But I'm not about to allow her to take her frustrations out on me, nor give her a shoulder to cry on when she wouldn't provide me with one when I needed it....not again. I've had enough of that, thank-you. I'd stopped hoping to "change them" long ago. But that doesn't help me when they do something new that impacts me directly. I still have to deal with the feelings that arise because of their nonsense As for living in the Now, aside from how grief often of necessity during its process takes you back into the past or future, I do try my best to focus mostly on the present. But one point that a lot of people miss is that the Now can, does and is meant to also include whatever feelings one has at any given moment, even IF those are about the past or future. The Now isn't always only about 'good' feelings. And the Now also applied at the time of this very upsetting phone conversation, which necessitated talking about the past as well as the future. I tried as best I could to keep focused more on each statement or question as it came up. But the effects were cumulative regardless. I'd rest much easier if I could know that karma would catch up to these people in my lifetime, so I could see it, but even if it did, if I'm not in contact with them, how would I ever know anyway? As I told my cousin when she was pondering the stupid thought that maybe my brother had me in his own Will as sole beneficiary (!!WHAT?! She'd obviously not been listening to a thing I'd said or what he's done so far!), "And how would I even find out if he'd died, pray tell?" And besides, IF the past is any indication...no, the most evil people in my family have always gotten away almost entirely with their evil deeds. That is to say, other than inner turmoil that no one else is really aware of, IF there even was any, which I highly doubt. My father was 'rescued' from having to even sit and ponder his own legacy because they had him so doped up on sedatives, he was happy as a clam - and not deserving of that induced happiness whatsoever. I keep thinking there must be a Divine reason why I wasn't supposed to be told, but so far, nothing has made itself clear that way, other than maybe this is a one-last-hurrah opportunity for me to leave the "old energy" behind and let it die a natural death, WITHOUT me feeding into it anymore and keeping it alive. I sense that I must find a NEW way of dealing with it, but just aren't sure what way that should be, other than totally ignoring it, which doesn't quite seem possible yet.

Hi Leanne, and thank you so much for your concern and understanding. Oh, I know what you speak of, and have had to do this many times before with my family. It's just that, despite how insane they could act in the past, I honestly never thought it could go quite THIS ridiculously far. I mean, this is outrageous! But to qualify this, I not only fully expected, but KNEW my brother wouldn't want me to find out about our father's death. Otherwise I'd have more time to challenge the Will - not that I have any real leg to stand on, it turns out, so that's fruitless and I've given up on that idea already. Although it makes me feel sickeningly powerless, I have to accept that the facts are the facts and I don't have enough money to battle this in court for years and years, with no guaranteed win. It turns out that my brother lied to me not about the thing I'd suspected, but about something else about the date of our father's Will, which makes it even less likely I'd ever win my case. This also proves even more so that he was fully aware of his own, malicious and calculated plan to cheat me out of everything, though. And I'd even expect this kind of nonsense from my Aunt now, since she'd betrayed me before and still isn't on any treatment for her mental illness. BUT, I didn't expect quite this level of a combination of stupidity and cruelty from this cousin, who's certainly more than pokey in her time management, and possibly, as my H says, "as dumb as a post....the whole LOT of 'em!", but I didn't think she was deliberately cruel. But keeping mum for over a year, knowing the background of everything??? That's just cruel. And deliberate. And really, really stupid. She's a nurse, no less, so how dumb & uncaring could she possibly be?, I'd thought. (after this, I'd HATE to be one in her 'care'!) And to make matters worse, she has obviously been suffering from feelings of doubt &/or guilt over this (for over a whole year), as she even told me she'd discussed this at work, with her colleagues, who, btw, ALSO couldn't believe this insane order from my brother. And yet, despite this concurrence of opinion, she never picked up the phone and did the RIGHT THING by me - the cousin who's talked to her more than any of her other cousins through the years. Even on simply a shallower level, I'm more than insulted that I'm not worthwhile enough in her eyes to warrant even semi-decent behavior. And it also hurts like mad that she talked to strangers about this, but not to the one (me) who this directly concerned. Here I'd been imagining that IF she even knew, she'd simply (albeit stupidly) been assuming that I'd been told, and just said nothing at all. There was no civil word of "sorry about your dad &/or troubles" in all this time either, but worse, this deliberate keeping of a SECRET of my own parent's death. It's just too astounding for words to me. She's NOT my immediate family, of whom I'd at LEAST half-expect this behavior from. Even my messed-up, deceased brother didn't act this badly when our Mother was ill and believe me, he was pretty messed-up. And this also doesn't either excuse or explain two other agencies who are also not related to me in any way, not notifying me either, nor offering any apology afterwards for THEIR lack of good judgment. It's all, and only, about protecting their own 'professional' hides. Real 'professional' of them, I say. So it's not just my family. It's obviously endemic to the whole of society. What have 'we' become as a society then, and how safe could it possibly be anywhere? It's hard not to go around now expecting to be treated like less than dirt, from goodness knows who, and yet, try as I might in my head & heart, I live with this dread every day now, despite not wanting to. It's so ingrained after all this that it's very hard to stave off negativity. I still keep trying, but it's difficult. Oh, and I forgot to also mention that another one of my Mother's sisters died about 2 weeks ago....and no one told me THAT, either, until now. Another 'nice'. And why did I have to get stuck with such a crazy family anyway? As everyone who knows me pretty well says, they can't believe I came from the same stock. But perhaps life would have felt kinder, more blissful from ignorance, had I been more like THEM. At least I wouldn't have had the brains to see any marked difference! I guess it's mainly 2 things that are really bothering me no end. One, it just feels too sad for words that THIS is my life, my legacy with these people who are called family. I can't change it, so as I look back on my time here so far, I feel as if I'd only really LIVED for the almost 20 years that we had our fur-kids as part of our own, little family, also not totally without some dysfunction, either, but surely a goodly step up. The time before, and now so sadly afterwards, has for the most part been more like a write-off. And I'm not sure I can effectively-enough make up for or balance out all of what seems like such wasted (and ever-so-painful) time in the certainly shorter amount of time I have left on this earthly plane. Nor can I get back all the time I've wasted trying to deal with these people so far, or easily whisk away the effects of what they've done to me all through the years. Had I known before how fruitless all my efforts to do the righter things were going to be, I wouldn't have wasted that time. They effectively 'stole' the largest chunk of my life from me, I'm just terribly angry about it and it's leaving a really sour and bitter taste in my mouth. I don't intend to sit around and stew over this forever, but right now, I need to vent and vent GOOD. And two, I feel like I still don't really have a 'voice' for all that's happened to me. My story has been so weird, abnormal and traumatic that most people (including most supposed friends, who might have become substitute family if not for their reactions) recoil in horror and shut me out, not even able to HEAR about it. Another "fairweather friend" of mine of over 30 years gave me a total of 10 mins. to talk about it this summer, and the rest of our week with her was all about HER. And yet I am the one who has to LIVE in its effects every day. I'm so tired, so tired... They don't stop to think, don't want to think, about how it must be for ME, not just a passive listener as they are, but the one who has to try and deal with it all. I'm so tuckered out that I don't even care anymore what happens to those ashes. If they get tossed in a landfill, that might even help me feel like some justice has been served for all the wrongs committed. It's not like I have gotten any happier ending, as have other people I've read about whose deceased family members have seemingly come to their aid from beyond the grave, during their own legal family disputes and "saved the day" by having a court case turn right around in their favour, out of the blue. Nope. I can't even get my latest lawyer to call me back, despite repeated voicemail messages to him. It's like the whole world is acting against me. So it's hard to just "snap out of it" when I've tried my best to approach these later challenges with a sense of calm and intentional logic, rather than just emotion. That hasn't seemed to have helped, either, for some unfathomable reason. (keep in mind, you're hearing the tail end of what I've been dealing with for some time already) So I ask myself, why should I keep doing the 'right' thing by anyone else anymore? It's not like it's very often gotten me what I needed. It's so discouraging. I'm not one to go around making out like I'm always so full of 'enlightenment' that I don't find my life challenging, or even downright miserable at times. So I'll say that at this moment, I don't want to be understanding, or wise, or spiritual, or taking the high road. I just want to yell at these people and tell them how much they've hurt me AGAIN, and what scumballs they are for actively making the poor choices they did. I just want to let my voice be HEARD for once, before I cast them all away into the dark from whence they came. This isn't just an emotional outburst, either. I'm seriously wondering if I ought not to write at least the care home (if not the Public Trustee, who I know will just toss any such letter in the garbage) & my Aunt and cousin and tell them how I feel, demand some apologies, and let my voice finally be heard in no uncertain terms, just so I know I've said my 'peace'. My cousin already knows how mad I am about everything, so I've already given her more of a hint of what's going on with me than I was given in regards to everything else. Maybe this is even the very last thing with this family that I'm actually supposed to do as part of my life lesson with them? But I'm afraid that whatever I might do, or not do, that won't stop that stupid Bunny from insinuating itself into my life, regardless. And I'm also not sure I even have the energy to lift one more finger in regards to this anyway. But if I don't, it's as if I'm allowing them all to go unscathed, while I take on all this affront in their place. UGH! I'm just so SICK of this pain! A nice, peaceful unconsciousness sounds pretty good right about now.

Sorry, Teny. I thought I'd posted some stuff about, well, at least SRT (Self Regulation Therapy) somewhere here before. You could try the "Search" button (top of the right-hand side of this screen) on it to find my post, and/or see this pretty good description of it here. While I don't think this article mentions it, it's also used for grief issues. As for TFT (Thought Field Therapy), it is similar to EFT (another similar therapy a lot of people find help with), but I thought to mention TFT instead because a friend of mine said it worked VERY well with her...and also for her own grief issues as well as many others she HAD, and now doesn't. She did, however, start by going for 2-hour-long sessions (rather than the suggested shorter ones), but only so she could get more accomplished in an even briefer period of time. And for her, that worked wonders. Like EFT, in the hands of a good practitioner with the appropriate level of training (in either modality), TFT can also be done over the phone just as effectively, so you need not have to rely upon only finding a good therapist where you live...as long as you can afford the long distance charges. Here's one write-up of TFT - here. In addition to these 2, there is also, as mentioned, EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) [click here for the official site] and IADC (Induced After Death Communication), which uses techniques similar to EMDR therapy [IADC therapy]. IADC was what I was going to go for, but because one HAS to be in person for that and no practitioners trained in this are where I live, I still haven't managed to get to the Province where one resides. And I'd have to stay over for at least 2 days. This therapy is an off-shoot of EMDR, and EMDR treatments (or if the therapist agrees to it, alternatively SRT treatments) have to be done first, before attempting IADC therapy. But the good news is, if you already have the 'background' of either of the others done, possibly only 1-3 IADC treatments are then needed. So I've done a good chunk of SRT already, but just need to 'finish it off' with the IADC at some point. Hope this helps, and as others have said, you're perfectly understandable in what you write here. I can understand your frustration, though, in not feeling you can fully express what you'd like to say. But you COULD try giving it a try anyway and see what happens!

***Sighhhhhh*** I wasn't even going to come back to this forum after the last time when I was more or less accused of 'whining' rather than keeping a "stiff upper lip" and to getoveryourself. But because I'm still hurting, I'll give it one more go, just to see if I 'qualify' for any understanding, anywhere. Because in MY family, I surely never do, and I don't really know how to cope with all of this anymore. So... It just never ends, all the betrayals surrounding my family members' lives and even their deaths. To say I now feel even more "different" than I always have from most other people is a huge understatement, because I'll bet that once again, no one else has ever had THIS happen to them, or to anyone they know. I haven't yet found anyone who has, though I've diligently been asking around, in hopes I won't have to continue to feel so alone and different. As if it wasn't bad enough that neither my brother, the care home my father was in, nor my father's Public Trustee case manager never even told me he'd died or posted an obit., and I didn't find out on my own until 9 months after the fact...or that the ashes of my Mother, my father, my Aunt and my Uncle, have all been, to date, 'stored' in my brother's closet in their cardboard boxes...or that my brother has stolen every red cent of our parents' AND Aunt & Uncle's sizable estates all for himself and plans on leaving the country (now that he has the funds to do so) for a third-world country (I'll let you all try and figure that last bit out, though I, myself, know).... ...now, I just recently got a voicemail from my Aunt, saying, out of the blue, that she thinks she's found a nice place for my parents' ashes, but has no cremation certificates for my Aunt and Uncle, so they couldn't be formally/legally interred anywhere, and could I find out if their relatives would want their ashes? As if THIS is a normal, everyday message to leave on someone's voicemail, with no explanations, tra-la. I called my cousin, this Aunt's daughter, to talk to her instead, as this Aunt has mental problems, and I wanted to get the story straight as to how she ended up with all these cremains herself. After over a week of leaving messages, I finally had my call returned... ...just to find out that my brother had recently screamed at our Aunt, "I WANT ALL THESE ASHES OUT OF HERE!!!" (never mind the fact that he now has obscene amounts of money to handle this himself, including but certainly not limited to our parents' Death Benefits) She doesn't even have them yet (failed to tell me that, little detail), but obviously has been busy making plans for them, not even consulting ME, the only immediate family member who had ever cared about where some of them were or would end up. Okay, fine. I'll just try, once again, to roll with that one, considering my legal hands are so tied anyway. Oh, but it also turns out that in reality there isn't even a cremation certificate for my Mother, either. That must have been one of the papers my father either threw out or burned, way back when my deceased brother and I were trying to deal with our father's severe dementia...and my remaining brother flatly refused involve himself in order to help us. So...my Mother couldn't legally be interred in this place anyway. Kinda forgot to tell me THAT detail, too. And then , for the icing on the cake... ...it turns out not only this Aunt, but her daughter, my cousin.....BOTH KNEW ALL ALONG ABOUT MY FATHER'S DEATH, BUT WERE TOLD BY MY BROTHER NOT TO TELL ME UNTIL HE SAID SO (which he still hasn't).....AND SO NEITHER ONE OF THEM DID. Oh. That simple, is it? And I imagine these were the same "instructions from (my) brother" the care home said they were following, choosing to turn a blind eye to his revoked legal 'privileges' by the government and keep these undisclosed "instructions" as #1 counsel over my disclosure that I needed their assistance for separate notification because I KNEW my brother wouldn't notify me himself. Yup - must be one and the same. Not that I know exactly what he'd said about me to sway them so wildly and irrationally. Nope. They refuse to tell me that part, so ethical and wise they of official rank in the health care business are. Never mind that it directly opposes their own stated "family care" package. What a farce that is for the unsuspecting family. My cousin did not ask my brother "why?" she shouldn't tell me (or not that she'd admit), and simply and blindly followed his orders. Oh, she claims she wanted to tell me all along (did she want me to pat her on the back for her 'kindlier' thought?).....BUT STILL DIDN'T. And as of the start of our conversation, she wasn't even sure whether or not I even knew yet about my own father's death, so she minced around it until I told her outright. She never said she was sorry for her part in this betrayal, she never answered WHY she did this to me, though I'd already TOLD her much of the history of everything long ago....and much more left unaccountably undone, unsaid, unanswered. It's all far too long and heart-breakingly sickening to even write out. There simply ARE no visible morals, no ethics, no soul-searching, no accountability, no shame, and certainly no BRAINS in anyone in my family or extended family. I mean, really.....who DOES things like this???? Oh! But both my Aunt and cousin are still feeling sorry for my brother. Nice. I have been betrayed by them all, including my own parents - my Mother, who wouldn't believe me when I told her this would happen if she didn't take legal steps to avoid it - and my father, who deliberately set the whole thing up this way. And this 'Energizer Bunny' of Betrayal, Heartache and Evil just never seems to fail to KEEP pulling rabbits out of its own hat....every time I even begin to 'get over' and settle in my head the last betrayal, out pops yet another one. It just goes on, and on, and on, and on.....