Our health while grieving

[Margm]

I am not going into a word salad today.  This is something that concerns all of us.  Right now, I am overeating, eating for no reason other than to fill an empty space, and not exercising at all.  I am on my feet a lot, and carrying around the extra weight hurts my legs and feet at night.  I had quit reading my daily meditations, but today's really hit home.  I will quote some of it.

"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."  Anais Nin.  I am remembering a Nat King Cole song lyrics "Pretend your happy when your blue, it isn't very hard to do."  We know that is something that is hard to do.

These are daily meditations by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.  I don't know how he does it, but he talks to me, and sometimes I understand him.

"Our grief is wily.  It will try every means possible to get our attention.  If we are ignoring, denying, or postponing our grief, it will often turn to our bodies as a means of expression.  It will literally make us sick.  Aches and pains, viral illnesses, autoimmune diseases, even cardiovascular and other systemic troubles often arise when we are not giving our grief the attention and expression it needs and deserves.  (My body's health is, in part, a reflection of the health of my mourning.)"  (These are all by Dr. Wolfelt.  

I don't take care of myself.  I really have so many things wrong with me, and I can choose to ignore my diet entirely and die, or I can take the things that are wrong with me and try to make them work for me, until they won't.  I do not have a colostomy, but 5-6 doctors recommended it.  My surgeon had asked their opinions.  He is a stubborn, sometimes angry man.  He is also a healer and it tried something different than the other doctors told him to do.  So far it works.  But, he let me know that me and my condition scared him.  Because of the damage caused with the ruptured colon and the overall sepsis, (I was supposed to die, they did not expect me to live, but they did not tell me this until I finished the cut-down antibiotics).  The damage was caused all to my insides.  The GYN doc told me they could do a D&C, but if they found anything they could not fix it.  My theory on this is, why subject myself to the exams every year.  I have not had a salad with lettuce and tomatoes since before March of 2014.  I cannot have anything raw.  Everything I can have is not good for me, so I drink a lot of Boost and Ensure.  But, I definitely am not losing weight.  I can have fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans.  I do drink a lot of the V8 fruit/vegetable juices with Stevia and have not heard anything bad from my lab work.  Sometimes, I think (and remember, I typed these medical reports for 43 years), that the senior citizens are not worried about as much as you younger people.  

So, all we can do is hope for the best, work for the best, and choose what is best for our health.  It is known that grief pulls our immune systems down terribly.  I need to get out and walk.  At my home in Mount Ida, I walked all the time.  There was the road called Golden Road next to our street.  Billy's back had already made him where he could not walk, but this had been going on since his late 30's.  He had a herniated disk that sometimes long walks would make him unable to use one of his legs.  So, we went for short walks, or I walked our three miles by myself.  I kept him on  close cell phone reach because my colon was very iffy.  Now, I do not long for those walks, if I was up there I could not walk those walks.  I cannot even comprehend going back to the town, and I know that is not realistic.  Maybe one day.  For now, for my family, I have to start taking care of myself.  And you always hope it is not too late. "promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."  Concentration tough at times, but think it was Robert Frost's quote.  (If you read his biography, you know that man had grief all his life).  Some people learn to live with their grief.  I think we have to learn to live with it...........or not.

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

For now, for my family, I have to start taking care of myself.

I agree with your statement, Marg, but I'm wondering what this "taking care of myself" would look like to you. If it means making changes in your diet and adding exercise, what specific steps could you take in order to begin? If you look at this as an impossible task, then it becomes impossible to begin. It's like trying to eat an elephant in a single bite. Since your diet is so restricted, perhaps a visit with a qualified nutritionist would help. Long walks may be too difficult for you right now, but can you incorporate one or two short walks into your daily routine? (When I lived in a high-rise apartment complex, I used to walk the hallways and the stair wells when I wasn't able to walk outdoors.) Maybe you could break this lofty goal of making changes in your diet and adding exercise down into manageable steps ~ and even baby steps still add up to forward movement! As the saying goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step . . . 

[Margm]

Your right, just marginal walks would help.  I count that going to the washateria.  I also do not have to eat fried chicken.  For a long time now, I have not cared.  Getting my granddaughter in school and counselor, trying to put a foundation under her is all I have thought about.  I did visit a nutritionist and she could not believe the surgeon would be so strict.  I know enough about nutrition to know fried is not the way to go.  Maybe the move first, buying the car second (Bri has to learn to drive), and just reading that today.  I think a lot of us do not care if we live or die, in fact, the latter sounds the easiest.  I think it is the easiest.  Living is hard.  I buy the healthy stuff for my granddaughter, but I have got to start thinking of myself.  

Sometimes it is hard to practice what you preach.  

[MartyT]

Indeed, Marg ~ It's the classic "Do as I say, not as I do" ~ and our grands will see right through it 

[kayc]

They say to start with a ten minute walk.  Your body can't handle going from nothing to a marathon, it has to be in increments and marathons are too much for most of us.  But maybe work yourself up to a mile.  Start with five minutes if ten is too much at first.  Start with parking your car across the parking lot, taking the stairs instead of the elevator.  The little things add up.

Also, a trick I learned when I was Prism (weight loss) Director...put your dinner on a smaller plate instead of filling a larger one.  Sit up at the table to eat.  Don't watch t.v., read a book, drive, etc. while you eat.  Give your meal your full attention.  Drink a glass of water before/during your meal.  Pay attention to aesthetics.  Many times we aren't mindful of our eating, and it's good to be mindful, of each bite.  Feel it going down, think about the texture, the taste.  How many times have you gobbled your meal down without even realizing it?  You go to eat it and it's gone and you don't even remember having eaten it!

[Margm]

32 minutes ago, kayc said:

 Many times we aren't mindful of our eating, and it's good to be mindful, of each bite.  Feel it going down, think about the texture, the taste.  How many times have you gobbled your meal down without even realizing it?  You go to eat it and it's gone and you don't even remember having eaten it!

Sometimes I am not mindful of anything.  Sitting at my desk, it is in the same direction as it was in the house, sometimes I am not mindful of where I am.  I have a beautiful lake about two blocks away.  Used to be called "Turner's Pond."  People fish from the banks often.  Remember, this is Louisiana.  I cannot swim, so I stay away from it, but just walking in the apartment complex would help.  My mindless eating is problematic.  I think we should enjoy eating rather than using it to fill that empty space inside we all have.  

Again, the quotes do not make me practice what they say, but they do make me mindful of my lack of respect for my own body or life.  I guess things happen that way.  You have to want to change bad enough to do it.  Words are just words.  Action is needed.

[Patty65]

It was so much easier to care about ourselves when we had a reflection of love on us from our partners.  I could love myself and take care of myself so much more easily when I was reminded every day that I am loved.  Not only with those words, but just with a look or a laugh or a hug, or a million other practically imperceptible things.  Maybe that is codependence, but at this point, it doesn't matter.  I feel it strongly -- I don't even like to admit it -- how I could care less about caring for myself, from sleep to eating to working too much.  I eat to take away hunger pangs.  I sleep when nothing keeps me awake anymore, and I rarely (ok basically never) "R&R" because there is no reason to. I try and try to figure out why or how I CAN care.  It is still a conundrum for me.  

Maybe that makes me an open book for everyone to see I have low self esteem that was masked with Ron's love.  We all have our baggage, and logically I can tell myself I am a valuable human being, that there is artwork and writing and food to create and share, valuable love and advice to give to my daughter, things I still want to learn and master -- but somehow old childhood esteem issues seem to dominate -- issues I had worked through long ago that were solidified with Ron's love.  

"Why bother? Who cares?" Is always present.  Thinking that I've regressed makes the effect of it all worse.  Admitting this only sends to me messages of being weak, and now alone to fend for myself, that is dangerous to be perceived as weak.

It's like the angel and the devil on each shoulder, whispering messages.  Only my angel is gone.

I've just worked SO hard for so many years even before meeting Ron to love myself and feel confident in this world and with who I am -- and my reward was finding and accepting true love, which escalated self love, and it is devastating to feel myself slip so far back.

And thus far my solution is to "act as if" as my therapist would say.  We can "act as if" we love ourselves as we trudge and tread through this thick mud of grief quicksand.  To have hope one day I can find a self that was proud and confident. To "act as if" we want to take care of ourselves by making the doctor's appointments or eating right or whatever.  It's just really, really hard to occupy that space and stay there.

Not sure I made any sense.  Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts.  Important, hard topic for me.

Patty

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Patty65 said:

To "act as if" we want to take care of ourselves by making the doctor's appointments or eating right or whatever.  It's just really, really hard to occupy that space and stay there.

I think that's what's called putting one foot in front of another...which is what you've done since he died, keeping the business going, just keeping on trying.

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

It was so much easier to care about ourselves when we had a reflection of love on us from our partners.  I could love myself and take care of myself so much more easily when I was reminded every day that I am loved.  Not only with those words, but just with a look or a laugh or a hug, or a million other practically imperceptible things.  .....

.  

"Why bother? Who cares?" Is always present.  ....

It's like the angel and the devil on each shoulder, whispering messages.  Only my angel is gone.

Not sure I made any sense.  Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts.  Important, hard topic for me.

Patty

Patty65, I struggle with similar thoughts.  I was alone and lonely for so long before I met my wife.  I was taking medication for unipolar depression and was feeling better when we met.  Rose Anne could not comprehend me every being down or blue.  She always saw me happy because I was every moment of every day no matter what the day brought. 

Now those old feeling return and I struggle with many grey days now.  Sad , Somber, existing.  I don't know what the solution is except to hang on and hold on to life. I still have much to be thankful for.  but I sure do miss my beloved Rose Anne. - Shalom

[Marie Lee]

Marg/Patty..Good topic..... I wish us all luck in this area 

Loving ourselves, eating right ....very hard to do alone.

it is truly hard for me to get excited about a fine meal....alone.

then I just grab whatever to ease the hunger...I guess I need to be mindful of what I have around to grab, huh?

I also find it harder to get motivated to walk, etc..alone...it wasn't so hard before...but I think now it is magnified by the loneliness in general in widowhood...

I plan to join a class soon...hopefully that will help.

Keep plugging away..Marie