AB3 Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 I'm so so tired of it all. I hate having to force everything....work...school...LIFE. I just can't focus on anything I just feel so numb. I can't deny how close I feel to ending it all. I've suffered through depression most of my life but this is the lowest I ever been and I'm struggling to hold on. I'm not really living for me at thhis point but for my mother...we are all we each truly have. I've been trying to hold on for her...eat...live...breathe for her but it's soooo hard. I just like many of you feel like all my dreams...my future has died right along with my partner. I'm trying to hold on but there's only so much pain you can take in a lifetime. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebro Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Oh, AB3: I know how you feel; I've felt like that, on and off, since I lost my little brother; So try to hang in there; I know it's hard, but your Mom, and your family and friends love you, and we're all here for you, too. xoxo 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 I wish I knew some magical words for you. But I have learned honesty is the best thing we can offer those beginning this journey. It will get worse before it gets better. This is so new for you. I know that is hard to hear, but the upside of that is you are in a place where so many can help when you stumble and you can see progress in others and yourself as the time goes by. As for only so much pain, I still struggle with that and I am at 2 years with no one to live for but myself. Those that have family have at least some thin rope to hang onto and this is when you will need that more than ever. It's hard not to be impatient, but this loss is so much more than something as annoying as losing your wallet and you have to scramble to replace everything. Time is of the essence for credit cards and such. You will process this as only you can and it will be right for you. That is what you will have to tell others on the outside because they will try and fix you which they can't. This is a class/course we got signed up for without our permission so you can kick back at rules and expectations all you want. It is your right. Someday someone will come here where you are now and you can help,them. Compassion is one gift from all this pain. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littlebro Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Gwenivere: What wonderful comments. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AB3 Posted January 2, 2017 Author Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 Thank you both your support is sooo helpful. I don't really have anyone except for my mother. No family and very few friends. Nobody really understands but this group of course. I'm trying to hold on..... 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted January 2, 2017 Report Share Posted January 2, 2017 AB3- What you are experiencing many of us have gone through and many are still going through. For the first several months suicide was never far from my mind. The pain of losing someone who was such a predominant and crucial part of my life was and is so all consuming and overwhelming. I could not comprehend a future without my wife. All we lived for and worked for was gone. And I am one of the lucky ones. I was also one of the very impatient ones. I actively sought out counseling, literature, support groups. I armed myself with all the knowledge I could glean. And I wasn't making progress, not the progress I wanted. I wanted to be done with the grief and move on. Right now you are living from moment to moment, minute to minute. The journey you are on is the hardest thing you will ever experience but as long as you continue to hang on it will get better; not all at once and it may take a very long time but at some point you might find a smile on your face, a genuine smile. It won't last but it will be there. Someday a genuine laugh will escape and surprise you. Someday the tears will become more carthitic and less painful, the will still fall freely but they will not hurt as badly. On another thread Amy posted a link to her blog. If you haven't already, it might be a worthwhile read. http://dewsgirl.blogspot.com/ As long as you keep trying to hold on you will be okay, someday. 1 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 AB3, hold on, you will get through and past this very hard part. I'm not sure it gets "worse" but grief really does evolve and the stages seem to be different for everyone, we find each new stage challenging as it comes, but we get through it one day at a time, not looking past that moment, that day, for that is enough to deal with in itself. We will be here for you through each step of your journey if you want us to. But this journey is not all about "horrible"...it is also a journey of profound learning and richness. We change and grow and learn throughout it. Sure, any one of us would gladly trade all of those lessons just to have our loved one back again the way it was, but that's not an option allotted to us. I do recognize and acknowledge that my George is proud of me for persevering through this even when I felt most like giving up, even when I didn't see how I could do it. If I stop and think too hard about how can I do this, that's when I'm more likely to falter. I just keep going. As Brad said, there will be moments of smiling, you will find living life again...not ever on the grand scale you once did perhaps, but those little moments of joy are what I've learned to appreciate along the way. I not only appreciate them but look for them, and that has changed me. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted January 3, 2017 Report Share Posted January 3, 2017 AB3, Hold in there. It is so very hard, but you can do it. You are fortunate to have your mother to give you an incentive to keep going. Most of us have felt as though there is nothing left to live for. My Al has been gone for 15 months. I have a hard time making new friends, especially at my age (77), but I know I have to continue trying. My whole life has been turned upside down and sideways, as has everyone's. It is no easy task, but we have to keep going. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Gin, so true...No easy task...but we have to keep going... Peace, Marie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 I think we've all felt this way...... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 4, 2017 Report Share Posted January 4, 2017 Oh boy, do I relate to that! I got a lecture from my sister about my anxiety & not sleeping, as if that would help. It's not like I try to be anxious, but a lot of it is brought on by situational things over which I have no control and letting go is easier said than done. I'm working at it, that's all I can do. Sometimes I feel like getting in my car and just going...anywhere. But I can't run away, I have Arlie and Kitty and I'd have to drain the water tanks, etc. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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