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Feel Like I'm Dying Inside


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I lost my husband on March  27, 2017. I have been able to keep busy until today. I have medical problems and we took care of each other. 

My husband had Marfans disease and he had a massive aneurysm in May 2000. We knew how he would die for 17 years. I am thankful for every day, hour, minute we had together. 

Us both being disabled we have barely left each other longer than to go to the store the last 5 years. 

 

I am not suicidal. I don't believe in that and do not want to jeopardize being with him. That doesn't mean I don't pray for God to take me so I can join him. 

I just don't know how to be without the other half of my soul. 

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Nightwinds,

This is the hardest thing any of us has to do.  The loneliness, isolation, fear and having nothing to look forward to seems overwhelming.  My husband was so sick the last year that I would not go anywhere if he did not come with.  Poor Al had to go to my dentist with me because I was afraid to leave him alone.  We are here for you and I know you will find this place a comforting and safe place.  

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I know everyone on this board has lost a husband or wife but for some reason I still feel all along be in my grief. Like no one can hurt this bad and survive it. 

Keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion has got me through the last  18 days and I barely remember the 4 before his service. 

I keep thinking today will be better...  and it's not. Today was one of the worst since the first few days. I feel numb but hurt so bad in my chest I can barely take a breath. 

I have done crazy stuff. I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read.

I guess I'm lost as crazy as that sounds. 

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Nightwinds, of course you're lost. Believe me, we all are. And it sure does not sound crazy to me. I also was a voracious reader, and I loved music. That is something we shared and discussed every day, so I can hardly abide music stations or TV or reading for any length of time since she died. Every song I hear, every page I read makes me sad. I can barely stand to read even the news (we met many years ago when we worked for the same newspaper).

Just realize that you can express yourself here. With whatever is on your mind. Unfortunately this is a burden we are all too familiar with.

We care.

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10 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read.

My husband died nearly twelve years ago.  I was an avid reader all my life, but after he died I couldn't read for ten years!  I'm glad I finally got my reading back, it's a great past time and escape.  You're not crazy, grief seems to kill our focus.  It also takes away the "want to" of things we previously enjoyed doing.  I made cards for 30+ years, but the last few years I don't have my heart in it like I used to, I just make one when I need it.  I wish I could get that love back, creativity is invigorating.

You're not alone here, you're with people that are also going through this journey.  When my husband first died I wanted to wrap my car around a tree at 120 mph.  I couldn't, of course, it's not fitting with my beliefs and I couldn't do that to my family.  It's not that I don't want to live, it's that I didn't want to go through what I knew I'd have to go through.  The pain feels unbearable.  The lack of sleep.  Looking back I wish I'd gotten a sleep aid from my doctor, it would have been easier to get through the day and go to work had I just gotten some sleep.

I have gotten more accustomed to living alone and making all the decisions but the missing him continues, so does the love, and the loneliness is hard especially as I'm growing old alone.

I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post.  You can read any of our back stories by going to our activity and clicking on the end post.

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Thank you. I appreciate your words. They sum up a lot of what I'm going through. 

I realize I'm almost dissociating. I have never been a quiter or a coward and I have always been strong. I have never felt broken before Brian died. 

We always joked we would go out together so neither one of us would have to be alone. Some days I feel like the grief will kill me. I can't imagine surviving this pain for months or years. 

My family tried to understand but they are truly clueless. 

Im looking into disability apartments because I know I can't take care of all the household and yard duties as well as all my flower beds. 

It will be awful to move out of our house. 

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On 4/18/2017 at 10:54 PM, Nightwinds said:

I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read.

Billy was reading his favorite author, C.J. Box's newest book.  He was in the middle of it when he passed.  I joined here 3 days after he left me.  I picked up that Kindle and I started at the first and read all the way to the end.  Someone said he read it with me.  I believe this.  I concentrated on this book and after this one book I could not concentrate at all.  Reading is my passion.  I have been able to pick up a book now after 18 months and can retain enough to finish the book.  Most of my books bought in those 18 months was to read how widows/widowers were feeling the same as me.  Concentration about other things elude me completely.  I can hear my long ago psychiatrist telling me that when our mind is bombarded with stress, when that stress gets too much, our brain takes over and protects itself.  We might think it doesn't, but eventually you will be able to concentrate more.  Not now, it is too soon.

My memory still is slow.  I have said on here before that the words that strike fear in my heart are these beginning of sentences.  "Do you know where ........" and "do you remember."  My mind automatically protects itself and I say "I don't know.  My family thinks it is a game reminding me, but they don't understand.  I don't want to be reminded.  I also have been around a group of people at once, but I have to force myself to go or do anything.  

I think your right on time with your grief.  It is not a straight line.  It is up, down, all around, and endless.  I made the trip by myself two days ago and I did not cry once.  That is new for me.  I have repeated this over and over and I understand this........Rose Kennedy said that time does not heal wounds, they just develop scar tissue.  Stay here with us.  You will feel more comfortable, if that is possible, but we say what we feel, when we feel it, and how we feel it.  I'm sorry for your loss, but you are in a good place.  We understand.

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Is there some way you could hire someone to care for the lawn/gardening?  Perhaps simplify it so it's low maintenance?  I had to let George's garden go after he died.  Trying to take care of everything on top of commuting so far to work was just too much, even if I hadn't been inept at gardening. ;)

Some days I feel like the grief will kill me. I can't imagine surviving this pain for months or years. 

I felt that too but my curse was I lived through it and had to deal with it.  

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On ‎04‎/‎18‎/‎2017 at 11:54 PM, Nightwinds said:

I know everyone on this board has lost a husband or wife but for some reason I still feel all along be in my grief. Like no one can hurt this bad and survive it. 

Keeping myself busy to the point of exhaustion has got me through the last  18 days and I barely remember the 4 before his service. 

I keep thinking today will be better...  and it's not. Today was one of the worst since the first few days. I feel numb but hurt so bad in my chest I can barely take a breath. 

I have done crazy stuff. I can't read (reading is my escape and I go through 3-5 books a week). I haven't been able to read since the day he died. Read a paragraph and can't remember what I just read.

I guess I'm lost as crazy as that sounds. 

No, you are not crazy, maybe crazy with grief.  What you say is so familiar to me and probably a lot of people on here.  I too was a big reader...it's been almost 2 years (June) and I'm just getting to where I can read some.  He and I used to read together in the evenings.  The worst part is that most of what I used to enjoy, I don't have the heart for anymore.  I have to make myself to do things, and I do.  This is all really hard.  I'm still going, though, and do have times of fun now.  My heartfelt thoughts are with you.  You are not alone....Cookie

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1 hour ago, Cookie said:

The worst part is that most of what I used to enjoy, I don't have the heart for anymore.

I still buy his author by the name of Box.  When he has a new one, I buy it.  I  have them all on my Kindle.  I cannot read them again yet.  Maybe in a little more time.

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8 hours ago, Marg M said:

I still buy his author by the name of Box.  When he has a new one, I buy it.  I  have them all on my Kindle.  I cannot read them again yet.  Maybe in a little more time.

Marg,

Dana was among other things, a college professor at one time, teaching American Lit. She read and read and read. As did I.  And we had some spirited debate over Kindle vs. real books. She was okay with television news, but preferred holding a book or newspaper over any electronic device. Don't get me wrong, she was plenty computer savvy. She was also a tech writer, editor and poet. She had the most lovely handwriting until the last few years. But we did differ over my Kindle vs. turning pages.  I did not pick it up when I was with her.

Like you and many of the others, I am not in a way that I can read, watch TV, or anything like that from before yet. I was asked about 2 months after she died to read/edit a book by the husband of a mutual friend to both of us.  Of course I agreed, but I have let him down. It took me 6 weeks to get through that book, and I've done him an injustice because I cannot bring myself to make suggestions. He went ahead and it is published now. He had sent me a proof copy, but I also bought it on Amazon to support him in that way. Gave it a favorable review, but my heart is just not in reading yet.

On the other hand, after learning about your Billy's favorite, CJ Box, I decided to download and try the first book in his Joe Pickett series. I will start it when I can.

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10 hours ago, DaveM said:

She was okay with television news, but preferred holding a book or newspaper over any electronic device

I feel the same way, it's like we have an emotional connection with the paper edition that we don't get with the electronic version.  I quit taking the newspaper when it got ridiculously expensive, opting to read the newspaper on line, but it does not feel the same as curling up in my easy chair with a cup of coffee and holding the paper, it really doesn't.  And it's easier to rifle through the paper that way too!  I have a Kindle too that I bought prior to surgery, it's easier to read because it lights up and the words are bigger, but it's not the same as putting a book down and picking it back up, also I can't just loan it to a friend when I'm done.

Okay, off on another tangent...

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