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Weekends Are The Hardest


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During the week I keep fairly busy with work and school. Days go by fast and it helps keep my mind off the devastating loss of my mother. It's the weekends that I dread. When Friday comes, I get really nervous thinking about how I will spend my weekend. I really don't have much planned. And if I do, it doesn't take up the whole weekend. I miss my home. I haven't been back since I found my mom there. I just can't bear it. I've been staying with an Aunt and it's not the same. I feel like I have no place to go, no home. Friends sometimes invite me to go out, but I just don't feel like it. I don't know what to do.....I dread the weekends..... :(

Does anyone else feel the same? What do you do to fill your weekends.

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Hi Shubom,

I know this may sound trite or trivial, but is there a hobby you could get into? Have you ever thought of painting or making jewelry, just something you have had some interest in but never attempted? If so, then maybe now would be the time to try it. And save any work on it just for the weekends.

It's hard to fill time when your sad and grieving. Would volunteering for something interest you? The old helping others theory about it making you feel better is true most of the time.

Are you going to get a place of your own or eventually go back to your house when your ready? I know how going back must be the hardest thing on earth!

Good luck,


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Hi shubom!

I second and agree with everyting that shell said.

I do volunteer work on Sundays. This particular volunteer work was not recommended, but I decided to do it anyway, and those who counselled against it were proven wrong. Not that they would mind.

I volunteer at a place where terminally ill people go to live out their remaining time. Its rewarding. I figured that being around the dying may help me to cope with my own Mom's death. I thought that since these people are not loved ones, (although I still care about 'em) I am more detached from the experience, it would help me to demystify or make it less scary. It's worked.

That may be too tough for most of us. But there are countless other volunteer opportunities available. It's like 'work' in that it occupies your time, but the 'pay' is a reward of a different nature.

Take care.

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Hey, Shubom,

Ditto to what the other 2 gang members said....plus, how 'bout some of that meditating? One needs so much TIME for that, and you certainly have it right now. While my situation is so much different than yours, I can tell you what I'd do if I didn't have the obligations and duties I have, things I would have certainly preferred to do, given the choice:

  • walks, and lots of them
  • meditating
  • reading
  • shopping ( but this would be for household stuff - unlike most women, I HATE clothes-shopping )
  • movies
  • biking ( if weather/season permits )
  • hiking ( the more wildernessy, the better, so one can cry out loud w/o being heard or seen )
  • getting back into ballroom and other dance
  • gardening ( weather and seasons permitting )
  • going to seminars to sit and listen, maybe meet new people, probably in fields such as spirituality, etc.
  • visiting a Spiritualist Church service
  • learning more energy work
  • yoga or tai chi
...and probably a lot more, with more time to think about it!

Most of these things one can do by oneself if you don't feel like being around others. I'm kind of just waiting for the day I can actually DO more of them again. With our furbaby so ill though, I don't get the luxury of getting out for the lengths of time these would take me, so my life's been on hold for quite awhile....not healthy for me, nor desired, but necessary right now.

And at the risk of bringing up things you'd rather not face yet, possibly a quick drive-by of your house once in awhile might help you start facing those fears you have? Just a thought. It might help to get some of that process heading towards eventual resolution, cuz you don't have to move back in, but those fears will just sit in you until you decide you can start looking at them a bit at a time.

Anyway, hope my own list might help you come up with your own ideas. And all you need do is pick ONE, at a time, try it and see if it feels right. If not, pick another. Keep it simple.

Edited by Maylissa
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Hi Shell, Paul, and Maylissa,

Thanks for your advice on hobbies and volunteer work. I guess for me, since I’m always busy on the weekdays, I try to keep my weekends open for spontaneous things. On Fridays, I go to my grandma’s house to visit her. I usually call before I go. But this Friday, like every other Friday, when I called, she wasn’t there. I couldn’t get a hold of her. Next thing I know, I started feeling abandoned and sad, thinking I’m bothering her too much. She’s 76 yrs old, and she can’t worry about me and my insecurities. The more I thought about it, the more sad and depressed I became. I found myself in a stagnant position where I couldn’t leave work, because I felt I had no where to go. All my co-worker’s left, and I ended up staying till 8pm or so! It’s horrible and it happens every Friday. It’s not until she calls, that I start to calm down and feel ok again. I guess that insecurity of someone leaving me…..my dad…..my mom…..my friends….just really gets to me. I had always been an insecure person growing up, but after my dad died, I managed to conquer that fear. I guess now that my mom has died, that insecure scared self is starting resurface again. And I feel like I can’t stop it.

Thanks for the advice. I thought about it, and realize that I can change my whole outlook on my weekends, if I just change how I plan my Fridays. That means, I can set aside time to do something I enjoy that requires minimal commitment. So that if something spontaneous does comes up, I can still do it too. The key is to have some sort of plan it seems.


It is hard going back home and not seeing my mom there. Today I came home and went upstairs to my room. I caught a glimpse of mom’s bedroom door. IT was closed, and my first thought was, she must be sleep. But then I realized that wasn’t the case, and nearly broke down. I spent the whole morning crying on her bathroom floor. I gues it'll just take time....


I have to really commend you on volunteering at a place for terminally ill people. I definitely couldn’t do that. Hospitals scare me. My biggest sadness comes from seeing people sick and not being able to do anything to make them better. It would depress me and make me question the world even more (even though I do that now). But I see why helping them helps you. Because in the end, we really have no control over anyone’s destiny, we can’t stop the inevitable, but what we can do is be helpful and nice to them as they make their journey. And this in turn can help us accept it.


I like your suggestions of mediating, becoming more spiritually involved, learning tai chi, etc. It’s so funny because last year or so, I started taking classes on those subjects, such as religion and philosophy. And I absolutely loved it. I stopped after my mom died, but I wouldn’t mind getting back into it again.

Thanks for your advice. I’ll start planning my Fridays by picking a hobby or volunteering. Then maybe I can start feeling secure again and rebuilding my foundation. Thanks.

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Hi shubom, and the other "gang members". <_<

Anyway. One thing I've learned, and done, and found helpful, is what is called in these grieving and bereavement circles as "leaning into the pain". Sounds bad but it looks like you maybe doing it to some degree.

Leaning into the pain basically means doing those things in grieving that are somewhat painful to us. It means facing our fears about our loved ones' death. This is what is meant by the advice you've probably heard that you can't go around or away from grief, but only through it. You've started that already by going to your Mom's house and going to your room. Your Mom's closed bedroom door was a bit painful, so maybe not try opening it just yet. But when you can, that's a major milestone in your healing, and only you may know when you're ready. If you cry hard after going into your Mom's room, that OK, cuz crying is healing. Get the emotions out.

Yesterday I drove past my old neighborhood and saw a big white thing in front of my old house. The new owners I guess are moving in. :mellow: So I whipped around the corner and drove past the house itself to see what it was. It was my Mom's old washer. Now when I say old, I mean old. It dated from 1964 or '65. Good, sturdy, that was built by Westinghouse back when they were a part of RCA! That's old! I mourned a little, this happenstance event of 'leaning into the pain'. I washed a zillion loads of laundry in it for me and Mom. :( I had hoped that someday Iwould toss it out after buying her a new one, but never managed to make that happen. Oh, well. It helped me move a bit further in the new chapter of this life. I was going to take a walk later along the old, abandoned RR tracks behind the house to check out the backyard (from a safe distance) but as my grief counselor says, while 'leaning into the pain is great in healing, sometimes you have to take a vacation from it'. So the stroll along the tracks shall wait until I'm ready.

Take care, all.

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Shubom and Paulski,

Shubom, I'm so proud of you! Going back to your house was a big step! Like Paul said, looking at your mom's room can come later, when you feel more ready, but just going there was really something. I also like the way you're trying to integrate some wknd. action plans while also taking into account your need for spontaneity. You do well to honour yourself this way.

Maybe you can't help but feel that insecurity right now, but just being aware of it is the first part of re-healing it, so don't fret about it too much yet. After all, who could blame you for feeling that way, after all that's happened? Your basic idea of a foundation has been severely compromised and that's no small matter, emotionally. Even those of us who are older, as were our parents, can easily feel like the earth has been ripped out from under us. It's no fun, but it'll get better in time, as you make progress and gain some confidence from the steps you're taking. Although I'm still rather shaky myself, I can also say that it's not as terrifying most times as it felt early on in my grief.

As for your grandmother, have you told her about your fears and need for her company? It strikes me that that ( the second part ) might just make her day! Perhaps she's also trying to keep herself busy, to avoid feeling the same way?


I can well imagine how painful it would have been to see such an 'icon' of an appliance of your mom's sitting outside, awaiting disposal. And yes, I remember those old Westinghouse appliances went on, and on, and on.... we had some, too, but they were replaced simply for newer style and size, not because they'd quit working. My Mom also still had some of her mother's old irons and a glass washboard, which were either tossed or sold, instead of being sold as antiques....or put to good use as ornaments/mementoes in my garden!

What I can't imagine watching, is someone actually moving into my childhood home...once they're in there, well, okay, but not the actual process.....(shudder).....so from my viewpoint, I think you were wise ( again! ) to put off your walk until later.

This "leaning into the pain" must be the same or similar to what they call "being mindful" during your grief. This is from that book that John/Dusky ( Loss of Spouse/Partner forum ) has lauded so many times here - Grieving Mindfully by Sameet M. Kumar, which I've just started reading. And I quote:

"Awareness is not the same as indulging in the intensity of grief, nor is allowing yourself to come into full contact with your thoughts and feelings after loss the same as wallowing in pain, or keeping yourself in pain. Awareness is allowing yourself to accept the pain of grief, thereby finding relief in not running away from your loss."

And as a general note for ALL of us, I LOVED this one:

"If you can understand grief as an extension of love, then you will see that there is nothing wrong with grieving. To deny the importance of grieving would be saying that there is something pathological about loving." And later, he says, "...to love is always to open oneself to the grief of loss. However, this loss is not to be confused with the loss of love. Grief is the experience of loss in love."

Beautifully put! Let's all tell THAT to our friends and relatives who tell us, unthinkingly, to "hurry up and get over it"! :glare: I think both of you are doing wonderfully well so far, even if you can't see it yourselves.

Edited by MartyT
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Guest Guest_Bridget_*

My mother lived with my family - when I knew she was dying I moved her into a nursing home three blocks from the house. I did it so that she would not die in my house. I was afraid of the pain of seeing her dead in her room. I was afraid that I would not want to be in my own house again. My brother who had to pay for the nursing home was furious with me and my mother collasped at the front door as she enterd the place. I do not think she wanted to there either. I tried to make up for it by having some there 24/7. I know that it was a selfish thing but I was trying to protect my own sanity and I knew my mother if she were well would have wanted to me to take care of myself. I think I made the right decision but it haunts me that I was a coward...how hard we are on ourselves. My mother's sister just dies and the whole spector of what happene when my mother died. So it is hard to go home. I really understand it!!!!!

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I echo what Maylissa and Paul said. Going to your house was a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for doing it. Do just whatever your comfortable with, I think of it as taking "baby steps". Just keep taking baby steps, sweetie.


I teared up reading about you seeing your old washer in the front yard. What a sad moment. We have an old Maytag freezer that I remember as a young child and it's still going strong! They sure made things well in those days...not like now. I think it is good that you are "spying" (and I don't mean that offensively!) on your old house and finding out little bits at a time. I think ultimately it will be healing.


Thanks for the words from the book. Great stuff! I may have to buy that one!

Hang in ther everyone,


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Thanks. I haven't actually seen a moving van as yet, so I haven't fjorded that sewerpipe. Maybe they're moving in a little at a time. Or maybe staying where they are now, cuz the interior needs work. (Wallpaper for one. The bathroom and kitchen are primo targets for remodelling. The floorboards in the family room squeak a little, so some shoring up there is needed. Mostly cosmetic, the house itself is in nice condition, just old.)


Stop being a 'guest' and join us! Set a spell and hang around. We're a friendly bunch, although a little bit cracked. That's Maylissa's and shell's, I mean, OUR, charm. :blush:

I sort of understand the guilt you feel about putting your mom in a nursing home. Although I never did that, guilt over anything after a loved one's death is not uncommon. You did what you felt you had to do. If caring for your Mom at home was beyond your abilities, then you did the compassionate thing. Wise people know their own limitations, and do not exceed them. That's one thing I've learned from a 12-Step program. If your brother was furious with you, so be it. He could have stepped in maybe and taken care of her himself? If not, then he was no different from you in the fact that your Mom needed better care than what her kids could provide. No shame in that. Feel better about it, as best you can muster.

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I think I understand your guilty feelings. I'll give you 2 examples of my own and you'll see that many of us have them and that they're just another one of the multitudenous feelings we have to come to terms with in our grief.

The first is sort of opposite of yours, but I'm sure you'll see the similarities. When our beloved furbaby ( cat ) was dying, we were trying an experimental trtmt. to buy more time to fight his cancer. It involved antibiotics, which of necessity, required 48 hrs. to see if they'd kick in and help. I never wanted him to die away from home, as, like many animals, he hated the clinic. It had also always been his way to do things his way, on his schedule, as he was very strong-willed. He wasn't doing well and the drug hadn't done anything useful yet, but we were only just past the first day of trtmt. I also was having a terribly hard time accepting that he would likely die. I, too, felt cowardly and selfish, if nothing else, for not being able to give him my blessings to leave sooner rather than later. Longer story short, I ended up not euthanizing him in time to prevent more physical suffering, and actually, within minutes of me mentally and emotionally giving him permission ( finally ) to go, he did, before the vet arrived with the next shot of the drug. So it's sort of like your situation in reverse - I was keeping him at home to die, which made arranging for ( in-home ) euthanasia much more awkward. Had he been well, he wouldn't have wanted to go to the clinic and would have also wanted me to consider my needs, too in the equation - he proved that, once again, by hanging on until I gave him permission to go. I had to later accept that he loved me that much, and we were EACH trying to do the best we knew how for each other. But I struggled mightily, wondering if how he would have thought when healthy was the same as how he might have been thinking while so sick and in pain. I, too, felt very selfish, for years afterwards and have only come to terms with it this year. I learned a lesson and I also forgave myself for making decisions as best I could at the time, with what ( little ) I knew THEN. In short, it's never easy trying to balance what we think is 'righter' when it comes to life and death situations, especially when we're distraught, maybe exhausted too, and not able to think as clearly as we'd like to have been able to in hindsight.

My second example concerns my Mother's dying. She was in hospital and rehab for 6 months before she died. I lived far away and was the only child of 3 who did, but who was the most concerned with her care and well-being...and death. One of her sisters actually screamed at me at one point, telling me I should just give up my life ( here ) to go back home so that I could monitor what was going on in the rehab centre ( this sister was fairly close in location to my Mom, but only visited her once herself )...even though our other furbaby was also chronically and acutely ill at the time, too, with me being the only one who could take care of her properly. In the end, my Mom died all alone, w/o either of my 2 ( at the time ) brothers, or our father, there with her. So I've suffered guilt over that one as well, but I also realize I was between a rock and a hard place and had to make decisions partly based on what I could live with later on. I still think I chose the right thing for me, my furbaby and husband, and even my Mom. One person cannot 'fix' everything. Even had I been there, there would have been little I could have done to change most things and although I regret not being able to do more, or get back in time for her passing, my Mom still would have died, she was in such poor shape, but certainly was getting better care than she would have at home. A big regret ( but not a 'guilt' ) is that I didn't even KNOW about hospice care, as no one suggested it, but then rehab wouldn't have allowed her to go back home anyway, w/o 24 hr. professional care which our father wouldn't provide....and he was the one 'in charge'. No one even told me hospice might have visited her in rehab, either. So ultimately, I too, had to balance my needs and my Mother's needs and just make do with what I could realistically handle, with what I knew at the time. I fought for her from a distance, talking to staff and doctors, but mostly was ignored anyway. If I had a magic wand, I would have changed almost everything about the situation, but that isn't the reality.

My advice would be if you think you need to work through this further, then do so ASAP ( possibly with professional help ) because it will eat you up alive if you don't, and I'm sure our mothers wouldn't want that for us if they love us. If you end up still feeling like you did something wrong, the only thing left to do is to not repeat your mistakes, forgive yourself for not being perfect and knowing everything at the time, and atone for it in some other way if you feel that's necessary. We all carry burdens, but our duty to ourself is to come through things as best we can, trying to improve ourselves along the way, always trying to allow love for ourselves to flourish as well.

And yes, please join us here on a regular basis if you think we might be of more help. I would have gone bonkers w/o this and other boards I've joined over the last year or so. None of us are meant to grieve alone.

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  • 4 months later...

Hi All,

I too find the weekends very, very rough, I just do not know what to do anymore... I am so used to just sitting outside and watching the world go by. At home in Bowmanville I had so many neighbors who just came by and talked. Now where I live the neighbors do not come over very often.. I miss the old place so much but I do not feel comfortable visiting there because I do not live there anymore... I do go shopping but money only holds out so much... I do some scrapbooking on the weekends but I just want to learn to fit in somewhere can you help me..... Take care Shelley

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I think weekends can be very hard. I hate sundays. i work during the morning hours but then it seems like i am not sure what to do with myself. i feel alone even though i have my children and husband (if he is not working). i sit there and start thinking and then i lose it. i try to read watch tv go outside with the boys or find something to do but my mind just wonders. i wish this could get easier. i wonder how some people get over things so easily. it will only be 6 weeks tomorrow and some people think i should be feeling great. i miss my mom so much it hurts. this board is my sanity, i find myself reading and reading posts . it helps to hear other peoples thoughts. i keep thinking what am i going to feel like in a year, will it be better. i hope and pray everyday. i try so hard to keep on going for my boys and husband but sometimes it is so much work that it makes me physcially sick. i will keep trying for them and b/c i have to believe my mom would want me to keep going.

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The "idle" time is the hardest, isn't it? Lorikelly, 6 weeks is just so recent and still raw. I'm not surprised that you are still having such a hard time. I KNOW you can't believe this right now, but it WILL get easier as time goes by. Right now, you should be crying all you want or need to, it's perfectly natural and very healing. For me, crying is the only way I can get rid of some of the stress and sadness. I feel incredibly depressed while I'm doing it, but when I finally "wind down" I feel a little better. I truly think tears sort of cleanse our souls. So cry all you want. And don't let ANYONE tell you that you should be over it, or better, or whatever by now....six weeks, they've got be kidding...or totally clueless.

Hang in there everyone.

Hugs to all,


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Hi Lorikelly,

I agree with Shell totally, I find myself after sixteen months of missing my mom I still get upset but it is not as often and usually when I am all alone and I am just sitting(mainly at bedtime I miss her hugs good night).. But there is a second death that came way to close for me... Four months after losing my mom I lost my dad... and I am coming up to his one year mark on the 25th of August... and I am having a very difficult time with that but Shell is right it does get better you can trust her when she says that... Take care and God Bless Shelley

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Hi, Lori....

I truly feel for you. Evenings and weekends are hard for me too. Evenings are hard because that's when my Dad and I usually talked. So I have been reaching out to other family members; my brother Doug and I have been talking on a regular basis at this time of night. We've become even closer. My Mom is still living and is in the nursing home; I go and spend time with her. As for my weekends, I fall back on my hobbies. Sometimes, I go home to our family farm and garden. I love being outside. I've also been doing a lot of writing. I have been looking for meditation books relating to fathers and daughters and grieving. Right after Dad died, I went to a Christian bookstore looking for such an item. The clerk was very kind and tried to help me....but she couldn't find anything in print. I started to cry....there were all kinds of books in their grief section for sons who lost their fathers, daughters who lost their mothers, children who have lost grandparents, etc. But I felt like there was nothing for me and that felt so lonely. As I was driving down the street a few moments later, with tears streaming down my face, I had a thought.....there's no doubt other daughters who have felt this way; why not write something??? So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to continue with my journaling and, when I'm feeling better, put it together in daily meditation form, and geared toward daughters who have lost their fathers. In this way, I hope to use my grief in order to be a blessing to others.

It's hard reaching out now, I know...there are times when all I want to do during the day is curl up and sleep for a million years. But I'm trying my best to stay connected to my family and I have several dear friends that I trust. And that takes everything I have some days. I'm grateful that I've found my new friends on this board. I steer clear of the people who tell me that I should be "over it" by now. I have found that the people who tell me that usually still have both of their parents living and have no idea what this is like. My berevement counselor advised me today to be true to myself and my feelings.

I've rambled and I apologize. It's just that my heart is aching for you. If you have some hobbies, perhaps some of those will help you. And you have your family..honor your Dad by cherishing them.

Take good care.

Lots and lots of hugs,


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Hey Leann,

That's a great idea about writing a book on fatherloss for daughters. I think there are, but Marty T would know better about any in print. (Try a general book store, like a Barnes & Nobles, or a Borders)

Like you, I've had a similar problem, none on motherloss for sons. :( I found one book on motherloss by Harold Ivan Smith that was great, and really helped me as it was at least written by a guy, but still...a whole row of books on motherloss for daughters (not to diminish it at all, but sons feel the loss very keenly, too :( ).

I wish someone would write at least ONE text on Motherloss for sons. :angry2:

Anyway, I wish you much luck on your endeavor. You're lucky, you have your home and family.


People who "get over things so easily" may be fooling themselves (or you). they may not be over it at all, r worse, just pushed it aside and are not dealing with it. At least you are dealing with it. As for people who think you should be over it at 6 weeks, *&$#@^(*)*& 'em. :angry: They're stupid and ignorant people. :wacko: Get away from them. :ninja: Pay them no attention, if you can. That topic comes up alot in my support group meetings and that's the usual advice.

As shelley said, shell's right, you can trust her, it does get better, it just takes time (I know you know that. We do need to hear it again a lot early on.)

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Thanks for the suggestion, Paul. That's certainly an idea to check Barnes and Noble. I've been browsing around Amazon.com tonight. I found a couple of things there. One title I think will meet my needs; I don't think the second one will at least at this point.

I know society's expectations of men are pretty unrealistic in certain situations. Whoever wrote the rule that it's "unmanly" to show emotion is full of baloney. :rolleyes:

Take care.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Leeann,

I know the weekends are the worst for me as well, But know I have started going to the nearby park just to swing on the swings.. I know it sounds like I am being a kid but it has helped me a great deal... I also have started going on long walks and doing scrapbooks of old family pictures... And than of course there is window shopping or going to the library to get some interesting books... I have also taken up rughooking as well... I am doing much better on weekends but still feel alone some of the time... Take care Shelley

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