This Place Is A Lifesaver

[kayc]

Nine months ago I found this site, shortly after my husband's death. How much I needed the people that were on this site, and need them still! You have seen me through all of it...from the initial shock, the memorial service, the friends who dropped off the face of the earth, the trying to get through all of the paperwork...the first time I had to change our sheets after he died, discovering something I'd bought to fix him for dinner and now never would get to...learning to sleep alone, go to church alone, drive to get groceries alone, spend weekends alone...living without his phone calls on his work break, all of the thousands of adjustments to "life without". And you have been through all of it with me. My first birthday alone, our anniversary alone, Thanksgiving alone, Christmas alone, etc., etc. Signing Christmas cards alone. I am still having a hard time saying my/I instead of our/we. Long after everyone moved on, you all were still here with me, and I with you. Sometimes it grows quiet on this site and I hear your silence as you work through things. I feel your tears. I have met new ones of you. We have prayed and cried and tried to be brave. We ARE brave. We are survivors! No one asked us whether we wanted to be or not, but we just go on day after day dealing with all of the hard stuff, and it IS hard. What would I have done without each of you? You have let me know I am not alone, I am not crazy, my feelings are normal for my circumstances, and that I will survive even this, as horrible as it has been. I will not escape unscathed, we don't, it changes us, changes our lives, our world. My life is forever changed. I will not "get over" my George...but rather we learn to live with what we must, as hateful as it is. And when it gets really hard, I am thankful that it is me that is enduring it, and not George, for I love him so much, I'd much rather take the pain than have him suffer it. I always hoped it'd be him that went first because I love him more than myself. I love that man, and I always will. And we all feel the same way about our loved ones because if we didn't, we wouldn't be here. You guys are my heroes...

Edited April 7, 2006 by kayc

[Bebekat]

Thanks kayc. Don't forget that you are also a hero. You have been such a big help to me and others on this site. Yes, we will always love them. They are always with us and always will be. Thanks for being here kayc.

[Guest Guest]

Everyone on this site has been great! I come here everyday and am almost "bummed out" when no one has written anything. I think that I need to write more 'cause I have been really depressed lately and find myself crying alot. It's been almost 17 months since I lost Charlie. He was absolutely my best friend and I loved/love him SO MUCH. I miss him more than words can say and I know you guys understand that.

I came across some pictures and "stuff" of his, that was before me (we were together over 20 years) - stuff from junior high and high school, today and of course I fell apart. As I said it's been almost 17 months since I lost him and I have yet to clean out his side of the closet. I just CAN'T bring myself to box all that stuff up. Have I not gotten into the acceptance part of grieving? I mean, I accept it....I know he's gone and not coming back, but I guess packing all his stuff away would be hugely final. I am having a really hard time with that.

Does anyone have any thoughts on that? I could really use some advice on that from all of you. If you are in the same house that the two of you lived in, have you "gotten rid" of their clothes and things? Can you tell me how that went? I HAVE gotten rid of things that I came across that he never wore or hardly ever, but to CLEAN out his side of the closet....I just can't!

I hope all of you have as good of a day as you can!!! My thoughts are with all of you!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love you with all my heart, Dear! and always will!!!)

[kayc]

Patti,

As far as cleaning out their things goes, why do you feel you need to if you don't want to? There is no timetable. I had to clean out our trailer shortly after George died, it's the one he stayed in during the workweek (he had a long commute)and everything in it was HIS, and it was SO HARD! I think the neighbors clear down the street could hear my anguished cries...

The only reason I felt compelled to do so, so soon, is I needed to sell his car and a guy at work handled that for me and I wanted to give him the trailer for his family so they could use it in the summertime...but it really was too soon. As far as his clothes goes, there was a need that arose so I cleaned out his side of the closet to meet that need, but I felt he would have wanted that...and of course, I hung on to those "favorite" things, and I probably always will. I sent one of his sweaters to each of kids. But really, I think you will know when it is time...IF it is time, and that is a very individual thing. We all handle it differently and I don't think there is a wrong way. I heard of people getting rid of everything right away and I don't think that's healthy, but it's certainly their perrogative. I just think they might regret it later on. I still have George's bathrobe hanging up on our closet door, it gives me comfort to wear it sometimes, almost like getting a hug. It broke my heart the day I couldn't smell him on his things any more, but I still remember his smell, so there or not, it's in my mind. We have a two drawer chest in our room that is full of momentos and pictures, we each had our own drawer, and I can't bring myself to go through his...it's way too tough. And yet some people choose to pour over those things every day. I really think it's very individual what we can handle and how we choose to. We're always going to miss them. I don't think it'll ever get "easy". Hang in there!

[Dusky]

Kayc and Patti (Guest),

Kayc – First let me thank you for the wonderful posting on this site. All you said applies to you as well – you have been a wonderful source of comfort – not only to me but so many others on this site. I don’t know what I would have done had it not been for all the caring people I found here – who truly know the pain we are experiencing due to the loss of our loved one.

Patti,

I just had to write after seeing your reply here and the struggle you're encountering in finding what to do with all Charlie’s “stuff”. I have a couple ideas or suggestions – so here they are:

1.Only proceed with storing of finding new homes for the “stuff” until you are ready. I have done little with most of Jack's personal belongings because right now they give me comfort just leaving them where they are. I am fortunate in one respect – and that is – he and I were both men – so I could conceivable wear his cloths – although that may not be my intent. I do however wear a few of his flannel shirts around the house – as it makes me feel closer to him.

2.One thing I am going to do with all his regular shirts and tee shirts and jeans and shorts is to have a Bedspread made out of all these items. If there is enough material I will also have a quilt made and possible some place mats for the table. In addition any scraps will be put in a pillow with a zipper on it – so nothing will go to waste. I am doing this as one of the many projects I have undertaken to help memorialize my Dear Jack. Then when I am dead - I intent to have this given to one of Jacks Grand Daughters. In fact I have written a lengthy letter to BOTH his Granddaughter to be read when I die. It covers many subject about their Papa Jack – but the one paragraph that mentions this Bedspread reads as follows – and it shows the symbolism behind what the Bedspread will be made out of - and hopefully what it will mean to Jacks Granddaughter – here is what that one paragraph of my letter says – remember it will be read when I am dead:

“A Bedspread was made some time during the year 2006 from what was once all Your Papa Jacks Shirts and Pants – and it is my specific intent to leave this to you Madison. As you touch this special Bedspread – remember that many of these same Shirts and Pants most likely touched you as you were held in the loving arms of Your Papa Jack. He loved you so very much – and I felt it only appropriate for you to have this keepsake to warm you with thoughts of who he was. It has kept me warm for years.”

3.The last thing I have to share with you is something which I have posted on this site before – It is a song/poem that I wrote which deals directly with the struggle you are currently going though and addressed in your reply to this posting. It’s about “storing” all the “stuff” that belonged to our loved one. Remember that no matter what you do with it – that the memories still exist – and who our loved one was – “Cannot be stored up on that Shelf”. Here is a re-print of what I had previously posted. I hope it provides some comfort and brings some reality to what we all do when we either ‘store” or "give away” our loved ones personal items. Here is my song/poem” – entitled – “I See You In Myself”.

“I See You In Myself”

Your face I cannot feel or see - but cloths you wore remain

The space you filled is all about – but it’s not quite the same

What we had then - when you were here - was special and unique

What I have now – that you are gone - has left me here to seek

I had to clean the memories out - and place them on a shelf

My heart – it has been stored away – like a plastic Christmas elf

I hope my heart will not grow old there - sitting in the dark

The memories that I placed it with – were meant to heal a heart

(Refrain)

My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf

You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf”

I could not bear to see them go – these items that you graced

I could not bear to let them stay – I had to find a place

The heart that had to watch you die – now had to do the rest

With loving hands and broken heart - I pressed them to my chest

Pictures - Wallets - Rings and Chains - plus stands of golden locks

With tear drops falling on my cheeks - I placed them in that box

I slipped in all the memories - of each item that was you

And then I took this broken heart - and left that with you too

(Refrain)

My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf

You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You On The Shelf”

I know I put that box away – up there upon that nook

But somehow I still find you here – in strange places that I look

I saw you in the mirror staring back at me today

A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay

The little things you said and did - could not be hidden there

To boxes on a shelf so high – my memories are so clear

The heart I had so gently placed in boxes – there to rest

Had found its way down off that shelf - and back into my chest

The you - that moved - and walked - and talked – were not up on that shelf

That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself”

I see you in the mirror staring back at me today

A piece of you had found its way - to linger and to stay

The you - that moved and walked and talked – were not up on that shelf

That box - could not hold what you were – “I See You In Myself”

(Refrain)

My heart and soul remembers well – the items on that shelf

You touched and wore - what I now store – “I See You In Myself”

Copy write 1-9-06 – John R. Davis

_____________________________________________________________________________

I hope in some small way all these words help you through this most difficult time.

Love to all,

Dusky – John is may handle on here

Love you Jack

[Bebekat]

Patti,

I feel you are the only one that can decide when the time is right to get rid of any of Charlie’s things. I have been able to get rid of some of Tom’s things and only a few of his clothes. For me, his clothes are a big thing. They still have his smell after 11 months (Yes, today is 11 months). Even though I remember his in my mind, I can’t part with them. I wear some for PJ’s and I’m sure I will keep a couple of his favorites when the time is right to get rid of the rest. My question is, do you really need the space in the closet? And if not, what’s the hurry?

I miss you Tom.

[Guest Guest]

Thank you all SO MUCH for what you said about Charlie's things! In answer to you Bebekat, no I don't need the space in the closet or in his dresser. I WILL just let them stay there.

Dusky - you are the best poet! You had me in tears with that poem...it really hit home! Thank you for that. My husband was a T-shirt and jeans kind of guy so I have LOTS of T-shirts. We didn't have any children, together, but my grandkids loved him. (what they knew of him) They are 3,5 & 7, so pretty much just the two boys knew him. I have thought about making pillows out of his T-shirts and giving one to each of his sisters and his Mom. I might still do that.

I was cleaning up our computer room and ran across an envelope of mostly pictures of a time before me - Back when he was about 12 or 13. I spent quite a bit of time crying! I wish I had known him then....I wish I had known him his whole life....then I would have had more time with him. For some reason these last few weeks have been really tough. Maybe it's because I was layed off from my job, so now I'm a little depressed and with no one to comfort me. I mean I could find people to do that, but it's not the same.

Thanks again for letting me ramble and cry. Next month will be a year and a half - I can't believe that! I think you're right....we'll never feel better. I truly hope someday we do!!

Love to all of you. My thoughts are with all of you!!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love you Dear with all my heart!)

[WaltC]

...I found this site, shortly after my husband's death. How much I needed the people that were on this site, and need them still! You have seen me through all of it...all of the thousands of adjustments to "life without". And you have been through all of it with me.

... Sometimes it grows quiet on this site and I hear your silence as you work through things. I feel your tears.

...No one asked us whether we wanted to be or not, but we just go on day after day dealing with all of the hard stuff, and it IS hard. What would I have done without each of you? You have let me know I am not alone, I am not crazy, my feelings are normal for my circumstances.... My life is forever changed....You guys are my heroes...

kayc - Thanks for those words

- Thanks for so eloquently expressing your feelings, many of which I share.

- Thanks for understanding the silences that happen from time to time on this site.

- Thanks for just being here, and for your example of how some can survive this terrible journey that no one wants to take.

I have not been posting lately because I don't feel that I can be of any help to anyone at this time.

Tuesday, April 11th will be 60 years since my dear Jeannie was born. She should be here to "celebrate" that milestone with her husband and two children.

Thursday, April 13th will mark ONE empty year since we said goodbye in the Palliative Care unit as she took her last breath on this earth.

I miss her so darn much - it has not gotten one bit easier.

Patti - I agree with Kayc, Jack and Bebekat on the "cleaning out issue" - there is no rush. Today's reading in Martha Hickman's Healing After Loss She writes that "Each of us has to find his or her own way. Try something, and if that doesn't work, try something else." (when dealing with our loved one's possessions).

"I can take my time, disposing of the things when I am ready"

I think this last quote can also be applied to feelings about moving on at our own pace, not what someone else thinks is "appropriate". Perhaps they mean well when they say I should be moving on, but I am not ready yet, and may never be.

All of you fine people who take the time to post here are indeed heroes and life preservers. Please keep posting - hopefully we won't all be "down" in silent tears at the same time.

Always remember - Everybody Hurts

Take comfort from your friends here and remember - You are NOT alone

Edited April 10, 2006 by WaltC

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Oh I am so glad to see you post WaltC! It has been quiet and I guess we all are working hard on this lonely and painful process. Today has been filled with memories and missing Larry, the change of season is happening and I don't want it to. It makes me feel like the earth is going on and I just can't join in. Just getting out the lawnmower was sad for me. Remembering, that's all I do, is just remember and it hurts so bad.

[Guest Guest]

Thanks again to everyone that replied to me. I so much appreciate all your inputs! I, too, am glad to see you back here, Walt!!

My thoughts are with all of you!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58 - 11/16/2004; I love you, Dear!)

[parrotlover]

I'm a newcomer to this site. I started sobbing after reading some of the messages because I could identify with what I read. No one understands how you really truly feel inside unless they've been through it. I lost my husband a little over 6 months ago to duodenal cancer (very rare). He was a very young 62 and extremely handsome. We were soul mates. He was the most wonderful person I've ever known and I am having such a difficult time with all this. We were married 17 years, but together close to 20 years. I am 51 years old and feel like I have to start my life all over. I still have his clothes hanging in my closet - I can't bear to pack them up. It would be like getting rid of him completely. It's weird because I know he's not coming back, but I just can't take his clothes off the hangers. I still smell his shirts - sometimes I even sleep with one. I try to be busy. My friends are great - they make sure I'm busy and try to keep me involved, but at some point, you are alone again. I cry every day and night and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I still haven't called back people that have written me or called me to see if I'm okay. I just don't want to talk about it because it's just too sad. I also hate it when people ask me how I'm doing. I know they are just trying to be nice, but stop asking me that! How do you think I'm doing after losing my husband; my bestfriend of nearly 20 years! People don't know what to say. I really hate it when they say "He's in a better place." Or the worst is, "Don't worry, you'll see him again some day in heaven" I don't care about that right now - I miss him too much to think about seeing him 20 years or so from now! I even had a woman say "Don't worry, you are an attractive woman, you'll find someone else". What are they thinking! I am hoping this site helps me and I hope to help others. Thanks for listening!

[Linda]

I too, am a newcomer and you have said what is in my heart. My Terry died suddenly on Jan. 17th on the way to the hospital. He walked to the ambulance and asked me to follow in the car - he didn't want me stuck at the hospital later without a way back to where we were staying. Both of us thought this was just a minor emergency, nothing to worry about. We had been through so much since August 29th and all we had left was each other, nobody could take that away..... He turned 62 in October and received 1 social security check that he was very proud of because we needed it so much. Katrina wiped us out - took our home and our job and my car. I thought that it was as bad as it could get, how more wrong could I be?

We were together 20 years and 7 months. He was my best friend and soul mate. I don't know how to act now - we were together 24/7. We worked in the same place and worked the same hours so we could travel together. He loved to shop and loved to cook, he couldn't wait to get out of bed in the morning to make plans for the day. He made my life exciting and I am lost without him.

All of his things are gone. Within 2 weeks of his death, I had to move and I have now moved 4 times since Feb. 1. Katrina took the videos and photos, everything we didn't load in the car, and I delivered to one of his 10 children everything else - except his hairbrush, his cell phone and his meds. I have those because he would never go anywhere without them and now neither can I.

Like you - I never want to hear again how he is in a better place - he is not where he belongs and that is all that I know. I have tried to behave my way out of this but it isn't working. I know that if he were here he would be very impatient with me, but he isn't and I don't know how to make things right again. Nobody can fix it.

[WaltC]

parrotlover, Linda and all newcomers

I am sorry to read of your losses and I can understand, just a bit, what you may be going through at this time. It will be a difficult journey, with many ups and downs. All one can do is to try and survive another day.

This Discussion Group certainly has been a life preservor for me and I hope that you too find some comfort and understanding here.

I have read a lot of books on the subject of grief.One little one that has helped me a lot is Martha Hickman's Healing After Loss. You can read more about it here:Healing After Loss

My wife died just over a year ago on April 13th so I have now read through this book of daily readings - but I will continue to read it on a regular basis.

Yesterday's reading reminded us not to worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will bring ts own worries. Today's trouble is quite enough for us to bear. Amen to that!

As Martha writes:

"Easier said than done....How am I going to get through the rest of my life without the one I have lost?"

"Someone has suggested we try to live our lives in "daytight" compartments, as though a wall were dropped on either side of this twenty-four hour stretch of time. Not a bad idea!"

certainly one that has helped me get through my first year without Jeannie.

I wish you well in your journey through grief. Unfortunately you can't go around it or by-pass it.

There are good friends here who will help you when you are feeling down. They have not failed me yet!

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

To Parrotlover, Tomorrow will be five months since losing Larry. I can't tell you the pain has improved at all but I do know this site is very supportive and you will see your own feelings and hurts reflected over and over again by the others that are here. That is what comforts me. My friends have gone on with their lives and for me this site is where I come to be understood and to pour out my heart. I wanted you to know that Larry's clothes are not moved, his glasses are still on the nightstand, his brush still on the vanity. I don't know if I will ever move them, but I do know that it will be in my time, no one elses. We've all heard the stupid statements people say and I guess they just don't realize what they are saying. It's been painful, now I'm just dulled to the words. I know I wasn't much encouragement but I hope it helps to know that someone else is here for you and understands your pain.

[Bebekat]

To the newcomers,

Welcome. I lost my husband almost a year ago. This site has bee such a lifesaver. There are so many that have traveled this journey you have just begun. Their inspiration and insight has been great.

Let me tell you, it will get better. I don't think the pain will ever go away completely. You'll just be a different person because of it. Sometimes people can say the most insensitive things, you'll wonder how anyone can be so thoughtless. My own mother was trying to get me to go catch the bouquet at a wedding 2 months after my Tom died! Really, no one will understand unless they've been there. Sometimes I would just like to scream at them, "Hey, I didn't get a divorce, he died! Why can’t you get it?"

As you read the many posts on this site you will find a wealth of help. You will find lists of books to read, links to songs, and just plain good advice. You’ll come to see that what you feel and do is usually perfectly normal. I also hope that it will give you the strength to not let anyone make you feel it is not normal. We will try to help you work things out.

And if at some time or two you just need to vent, this is the place. We do not judge here. We are all here for the same reason. We are all in this together. Take care of yourself.

Tom, all my love to you, forever.

[Guest Guest]

Oh my gosh, how I hate to see "newcomers" here. As everyone has said, we are all here for you. I lost my beloved husband, Charlie, 17months ago tomorrow. I am doing much better than a year ago, but it's still so very painful. It's a horrible road we are all traveling, but atleast we're all traveling it together!

To the person who lost everything during Katrina and has now lost her husband...I am SO sorry!!!! Your entire life has been turned upside down and my heart goes out to you!! I can't imagine what you are going through. Losing my husband was just about more than I could bear and you have gone beyond that. I truly hope things get better for you. You just need to hang in there. You said you were 51; so am I. When I lost my husband he was only 46 and passed from cancer also.

I hope you will come here often and feel free to say anything you want - we ALL understand what you are going through. If we can be of help, we certainly want to be!!!

My thoughts are with you and everyone here.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004; I love and miss you so much, Dear!)

[ustwo]

Parrotlover, Linda...anyone new here. I am so sorry for your loss. I am a little more than 10 months into this lonely journey. You are in a site that you will find so much understanding, compassion, and support traveling with so many dealing with their loss and pain. This grief and loss is so hard and there are times I need to deal with it all alone and times I need to reach out. When I can't bare it alone there is always someone here to listen...to let me know what I feel in the moment is ok. Here I can talk about Gene when people around me have assumed I've gone on without him and it would be too hard to even mention his name. For me I get so tired of people saying "you're really doing good". They have no idea...no one knows but we "left behind" what it is like when we are all alone with our thoughts...within our world where we are alone crying. Here no one has to put on a "good face". My real world is this site...outside my door it's a world that goes on without a clue. Join us all here. This pain is too hard to do it alone. There are so many wonderful people here who all understand and know. It would be so easy to shut the door and never walk out into the world. Little hard steps forward is all we take and when we take steps backwards someone is always here to take our hand and encourage us to take one baby step forward again. It's ok to reach out, to vent, cry, scream, talk about your love...it is a hard, long journey we all travel.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Linda]

Not sure if I am just going through a phase, but seems that nobody can help but I appreciate your thoughtful words. By the way, I am 59 there is another newcomer here that is 51.

Losing everything in Katrina was the worst thing that ever happened to us. We left MS on Saturday and by the next week we had a new life, with new friends, just like the old life was a dream - but we had each other and he pointed out daily the positive exciting things that had changed for the better - like all the new restaurants we would never have had the chance to sample if it were not for Katrina.... We had evacuated so many times before and nothing happened, so we got indifferent. We didn't pack the way we did in the beginning and while I saved the computers and many other things that were special, there is only so much that the car can hold. If I had known that he would die suddenly just a few months later, I would have made sure that we had the videos and photos but nothing can be done now. I thought in the beginning that if I could just leave that place where I was alone after he died and get with my family that everything would be okay. After 2 weeks, I went back to MS to stay with my daughter in a FEMA trailer and figured out really quickly that it wasn't working and I wasn't any better - mind you there were 7 of us in that trailer. I moved then to his daughter's house in Louisiana, and found the same pain was still there. Next it was to my stepmoms in Houston, stayed a week and I moved on to Dallas to be with a friend - that didn't last long either, now I am in San Diego. I have finally figured out that the pain is coming from the inside and has nothing to do with my surroundings, so running won't help. My mom and some of my children live here and while they are trying to help, mostly they have moved on and will be happy when I do the same. I think I make them uncomfortable, and I know they just want me to be okay. If I need to cry, there is only my car - I really miss having a home, but I now know that that wouldn't make much difference either. San Diego is where we met 20 years and 9 months ago and the memories are everywhere, I will be glad when I can smile and embrace them, but the time is not now.