JCath20 Posted June 7, 2018 Report Share Posted June 7, 2018 Hello all, I have been reading this forum for a few weeks now and have finally plucked up the courage to reach out in hope for some support and advice. The backstory is that my now ex-boyfriend and I have just finished our first year at university, we had been together since the beginning and have practically lived together all year. We had the most wonderful relationship, and although we are both still young, we truly both believed and wanted to have a future together. He had told me from the start that his dad had motor neurone disease and was not expected to live long. He and is family live in abroad but he came to university in the UK to pursue a professional career in cricket. His dad was always his hero and best friend and backed his son to do well in his studies and cricket, and my boyfriend wanted to do him proud seeing as he moved thousands of miles away from his family for this. His family were very aware of our relationship, and although I never met them in person, they were extremely happy for us both and I felt very loved and accepted by them. His dad unfortunately passed away at the end of May. About a week before this happened (three weeks ago from now) my boyfriend broke up with me. For the last month or so of our relationship I could see a significant change in his mood, he was very depressed and cold towards me and others. This was due to his dad’s rapidly declining health, and he said he hated that he was so far away from him and is family, but he knew they would call him home when they thought his dad would pass. For the most part of our relationship, my boyfriend was such a happy person, he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he was so happy with me he wouldn’t want to do anything to destroy our relationship. As his dad’s conditioned worsened, my boyfriend would come to me and accept comfort, but then started distancing himself. We started to argue quite a lot as he would be so cold and snappy, and I would end up crying and he’d apologise. I would always say that I wasn’t going to leave him, and that it inevitably hurts me to see the person I love in pain and I want to do everything I can to try help him. We eventually decided to go on a break as the arguing was getting worse, and these were the exact words he used: “it honestly breaks my heart to know that I’m hurting you and I honestly don’t want this to happen. I truly think I’ve found the one and I don’t want to destroy something good. I love you so much.” This was only a couple weeks before he broke up with me. When we broke up he seemed like a completely different person, like a switch had flicked inside him. He said he still loved and cared for me but didn’t feel as though he was in love with me anymore. He said that none of it is my fault and to not think it was because of the recent arguing, he just needs to be alone and can’t be in a relationship. He also said he didn’t want to lead me on and say that we will definitely get back together because he can’t guarantee that, he doesn’t know how he will feel once everything transpires, but he wasn’t ruling it out. Over that next week before his dad died, I was dealing with some difficult news of my own, I do not wish to get into too much detail, but someone in my family betrayed us in a very horrible way, was violent, and physically harmed my mum. I turned to my ex BF as he knew and had met my family, he was there for me as I broke down and was kissing and hugging me, calling me by our nicknames for each other, which was so painful, but I was glad that he was there for me. I wish I could do the same for him. My ex said that he was here for me if I ever needed him, and I tried turning to him again a few days later but he said he couldn’t as it was too soon to be friends. It absolutely crushed me. A day or so later he suddenly flew home, I assumed it was to do with his dad, so I texted him saying take care and sending best wishes to him and his family. He acknowledged it with a thank you, and the following day he announced that his dad had died. I sent him a message expressing how sorry I was and passing on my deepest condolences to him and his family. He responded saying he appreciated the message. I asked if there was anything practical I could do to help him, like go to his flat and start packing his things up, but he said he had already arranged for some friends to do it. I felt completely hopeless as I couldn’t do anything to help him. I knew I couldn’t emotionally, he clearly is not one to turn to those close to him in grief and I didn’t know where our relationship stood and so didn’t want to step over any boundaries. I decided to give him space as I felt that was the only thing I could do but said I was still here when/and if he’s ready to speak to me. I didn’t expect to hear from him but the next day he messaged me asking me to give his friend (who was helping pack away his things) one of his jumpers back that he had given me months ago. It was one of his cricket jumpers. I had been holding it at night for comfort and to feel a bit closer to him because I knew it was so special to him. I told him I would return it because, as difficult as it was, if that was the only thing I could do for him I would without a doubt do it. I have not spoken to him since, it’s now been a week, and I am feeling such a mixture of emotions – feeling so awful for him and his family, missing him, being so confused as to how his feelings changed towards me so quickly, sometimes feeling hopeful for our future relationship, and other times doubtful and miserable. I feel so selfish for thinking about our relationship when he is going through all of his own pain, and he himself probably doesn’t know where his head is at. I just feel like I am being somewhat punished; how am I supposed to just accept that it wasn’t my fault, but our wonderful relationship is over? I loved him unconditionally, and still do, tried to support him, and I feel I have been completely dismissed and disposed of. I know it isn’t definitive, I have been trying to distract myself by doing things I enjoy, spending times with friends, being there for my own family and mum, but there is always that constant ache and pain and moments where I can’t stop myself from crying. I am sorry this is so long and if I've approached this in the wrong way! I could really do with some support and advice, it would be much appreciated. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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