I Lost My Love

[Chrissy]

Today I picked up my husbands cremated remains from the mortuary and then it hit me, I will never hold his hand, give him a good morning kiss, tell him I love him or feel his strong arms wrapped around me. So many wonderful things I will never get to feel again. He was only 31 and I ask why? Why my 2 year daughter won't ever get to have her daddy take her to school, watch her dance recitals, graduations, teacher he how to drive or walk her down the isle. I never loved anyone the way that I loved him and I was able to spend 10 amazing years as his wife but that doesn't seem to have been eough, nothing ever seemed to be enough. I wish I told him I love you more, I wish I told him how much he ment to me. Yesterday was the 4th week without him, I find myself counting the time that passes by at the 1st week he was gone, the 2nd week, 3rd and so on. I guess I will continue to count until I lose track....

[Bebekat]

Crissy,

You will never lose track. I'm so sorry you have to go through this pain. It really is a horrible thing to go through. I'm sure your husband knows how much you love him and miss him. It will be hard to go through all those milestones without him. You must make sure that you keep your husband's memory alive. Your daughter will learn about what a wonderful Daddy she had from you. I guess we never have enough time with them before they are taken away.

Visit here often. This site has saved my sanity more than once. We're here and we know how you feel.

[DoubleJo]

Chrissy: I find it interesting that you are counting the weeks. When I watched Curt die in my arms I thought; "he is here now, but soon all will be empty, that strange moment between here and gone is occuring." Each week I have said to myself, " now I am 3 weeks-- etc. further from when he was still alive. The longer the time goes on the further away he's taken from me. Yet I cannot stop time. 4 1/2 years ago my first husband of 27 years died quickly in bed while holding his hand. So what happened was not new but this time Curt was on the floor and dying before my eyes. This time I was more conscious of the situation, feeling each second and thinking these thoughts. Time pulls us away from their lives, that full living breathing time. I feel afraid as he gets further and further from me. I feel my losing him more. I believe that's why it gets harder as time goes on, the reality hits. Death is so big, empty and far away while yet it is around every corner. Both my husbands are cremated and in the home I shared with both. Curt died 11 weeks ago.

Your daughter may not have her father in physical presence right now, but she has the tremendous love and protection of you. My very very best to you in this strange ethereal period . Doublejo

[Dusky]

Chrissy,

I am so sorry for your loss. He was so young – my heart aches for you. Right now I know that you count each week – I can remember doing the same thing. Then eventually - I lost count of the week “count” and it was replaced by months. Each month that goes by I remember it - and the exact time my Jack died. The 6-month passage was brutal - and the 9-month passages just occurred for me – difficult – but not quite as hard. I count every thing by months and half years and quarter of year. Soon I am sure I will start to add the years and months together. I am wondering when that will all stop – and I am not so sure it will.

Thought of all the years that will be missed is also – so very normal and all you can really do is hold on to the memories of the times you did have together – but I know that this is sometimes easier said than done. . Others have told me that eventually the memories will bring joy rather than the pain that they now seem to inflect. And I must say that as the months have passed I do think that the memories are mellowing the memories of Jacks long illness – but sometimes the memories of his 10-month illness still tear me apart. I can only hope that time will somehow lessen this pain. I still hope for the memories of the illness to fade and have them replaced by more of the good times we shared for 27 years.

I to sometimes wish I had conveyed thoughts of love more often and what he meant to me. I think these feeling are normal – no matter how much we all told our loved ones how much we loved them and how much they meant to us – we all still long for just one more chance – to say it just one more time. My Jack seemed to have a great knack for always telling me he loved me – I don’t feel I did as good a job in that respect – but I do believe he knew I did – and knows it now as well. Regrets are a normal part of this long grieving process – but always remember you did the best you could – we all did given the individual circumstances surrounding the loss of our mates and partners.

I found that reading books on grieving really helped me – and I have read nearly 50 since Jack died. I would be glad to share this list with you if you believe that reading would help you. There are some great books to help us through this long process. I also found that getting involved in different things to help memorialize your lost love also helps you heal. Just one example is that I am going to have a large quilt made out of his shirts – tee shirts and pants – as a keepsake that someday will be given to one of his granddaughters. I also do a lot of writing and journaling – pomes and songs – it all seems to help me heal – perhaps some of these ideas will help you through these early stages of your loss.

I know you are in the very early weeks of this whole process – but please know that there are many kind and caring people who do understand this terrible pain.

My best to you always,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[kayc]

Chrissy,

I am sorry you have this to go through, and so young. You must feel gypped, I know I did. I don't have any answers to "why", but we do somehow accept what we don't like and don't want. We all do the "counting"...our lives changed forever at the point of their death. Continue to voice how you feel, you will find arms around you here on this site.

[Charlie]

Dear Chrissy,

So very young to have your life end. I have children older than your husband when he died and I cannot imagine losing them. Keep his memory with you always and never let your daughter forget she once had a dad.

I am so sorry for your loss. You always think you had it bad until you hear another person grief. I was lucky I guess, I had my Charlie for 46 years and I cherish every moment we had. He was a wonderful father and husband and he got to see his kids grow up and marry. I am so sorry that this did not happen for you, but remember always that the love you shared will live on in you.

Come here often and say whatever you feel, we are here for you, we will listen, we understand.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 -10/20/04

[dpodesta]

Chrissy, I know where you are coming from, I just lost my wife 7 weeks ago tommorow. Every Thursday is a bad day for me because it means yet another week has gone by since I have gotten to hug or kiss Karen, she was my life. I have a son who is going to turn 7 in June on the 2 month anversary which is very difficult for me. know in my heart that Karen knows how much I loved her just as I know your husband knew how much you loved him. I am asking the same questions you are right now and I don't have the answer other than God has a plan for us, and one day we will see the whole picture as he does and then we will understand.

Edited May 24, 2006 by dpodesta