Samuel Jordan Posted March 5, 2019 Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 I've been dating my girlfriend for four months.Everything had been great, she's 20 I'm 21 and well I thought I had found the love of my life.She recently lost her dad and It affected me seeing her like that.Now the problem is..She doesn't reply to my texts or calls..I text her twice a day but she doesn't reply to them.She laughs with other people.. talks to them well but with me it's different.Its like she hates me. I've tried asking her friends for help but they aren't really help.Please help me out guys.Im going crazy.I laugh on the outside but it's really frustrating that she's shutting me out but talking to other people. I've seen such stories and they usually don't end up well.I don't know what to do guys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 5, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 2 minutes ago, Samuel Jordan said: I've been dating my girlfriend for four months.Everything had been great, she's 20 I'm 21 and well I thought I had found the love of my life.She recently lost her dad and It affected me seeing her like that.Now the problem is..She doesn't reply to my texts or calls..I text her twice a day but she doesn't reply to them.She laughs with other people.. talks to them well but with me it's different.Its like she hates me. I've tried asking her friends for help but they aren't really help.Please help me out guys.Im going crazy.I laugh on the outside but it's really frustrating that she's shutting me out but talking to other people. I've seen such stories and they usually don't end up well.I don't know what to do guys And I'm ready for anything.If she wants to breakup I'll just have to accept it.Though it hurts alot.I don't know what to do. I've tried therapy but it's still not working.I want her to reach out to me.I want to be there for her,I don't want to abandon her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted March 5, 2019 Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 First off, I am sorry this is happening to you. If you read most of the stories here, you begin to see a pattern. The first thing I am going to tell you: Stop contacting her. No response is a response. She has made it clear she wants to work through this on her own and there is nothing you can do. I know it sucks to feel so helpless when all you want to do is be there for them. Secondly, the reason why she is able to continue with her friends is because there is less expectation and the relationships are different. A romantic relationship involves expectations that she may not want to or be emotionally able to fulfill right now because she feels it is too much after losing her father and now having to deal with the grief and fallout from it. Losing parents and grandparents especially, is life-altering. Not to be offensive, but you've also only been together for 4 months and you were probably still in the "honeymoon phase." I understand that you love her, but you need to give her space, she may not ask for it directly, but obviously pining after her and contacting her is not working. If you have the time, look for a guy named Tom's thread about he and his girlfriend Fern, it's probably a page or two back by now as its a few years old. The exact same thing happened to him. The thread by Dino, a guy from recently, same thing happened to him too with a different loss. She has made it clear to you that she wants space, give it to her. As painful as it is, and as hard as this is to not take personally, understand this isn't about you, don't try and make it about you. She will only resent you for it. Stop placing pressure on her to contact you, the tighter you squeeze the easier it is for her to slip away. Go back to your life, hobbies and friends. Join a gym, pick up new hobbies, take a class, if you're in college consider joining a club or group. Remove her from your social media, any reminders of her from your home and change her name in your phone. Now, I am not saying delete her and throw away all the stuff she gave you, what I am saying is for the time being, remove it from your immediate sight/grasp. It will only make you feel worse about it if every time you see a Facebook update, shes laughing with her friends. I have been on both sides of the coin, after losing my grandfather to cancer and best friend to suicide in a year, my life was a mess and I emotionally neglected and abandoned my boyfriend Joe. He understood that I just needed time to feel normal and right again, but we did not break up because I told him I didn't want to, we also lived together so the dynamic was a bit different. However, that does not excuse how poorly I treated him. Again, it had nothing to do with him, I was just an emotional wreck that did not want to confront my problems, I also became very depressed, so it was extremely hard to find any joy in my life, despite his best efforts to help me, I was the only one who could help myself, and for a while, I actively chose not to. In the end, Joe nearly left me, and he was right to because I was being terrible, cruel and selfish because I was angry and he didn't deserve it. I went to therapy eventually and things got better for me. My ex-bf of nearly two years, Tim, abandoned me after his father suddenly died. He told me he didn't want to break up, but then stopped answering my texts/calls. After a month of this, I stopped contacting him and concluded our relationship was over. 3 months later he comes back trying to reconcile, I agreed because I was still in love with him even though I should not have. He was still deeply confused, cruel and his emotional outbursts made it clear he did not want to be with me. He ghosted me a second time after agreeing to meet for dinner one night, earlier that same day we were at his house and he told me he loved me before going to work. I haven't spoken to him since, that was 3 years ago. I will reiterate: Stop contacting her. It makes you look desperate, and pining after her is not going to bring her back. She has to make that decision on her own. I understand that you love her, but if you love her you need to respect her wishes and stop contacting her. She doesn't want you to be there for her, and you need to accept that. You didn't abandon her, she abandoned you. She is doing what she feels is best for herself, and for the time being, she cannot handle a romantic relationship. It is a mistake to keep engaging her. Do what is best for yourself, again I am not saying go date someone else or stop loving her. However, she will be less inclined to contact you the harder you push her, and it may have the opposite effect you intend, if you continue pushing her, you may push her away for good. --Rae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 5, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 Thanks alot.Update.Today I met her,she hugged everyone and then just gave me a pale handshake.I got upset,but didn't show it.I tried holding her hand and she pushed me away.I felt like crying.I told one of her friends I had tried everything and she also felt sorry for me. I've decided I'm not going to contact her, it's the best thing for me.I sent her a text telling her I'm going to give her space and that she should not mistake it for abandoning her.I also told her that anytime she needed me I'll be there for her.forgot to mention that we're both in the same class,what can I do as I'll be seeing her happy with other guys talking, laughing,but not me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted March 5, 2019 Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 Do what you can to seem indifferent about it when in class. Behave as normally as you possibly can and save your visible emotions for your friends/therapist/alone time. It sounds harsh, but showing her that you're falling to pieces won't make her take you back. Stop trying to get her friends to help you or talking to them about how sad you are. As bad as they may feel for you, they can't force her hand in talking to you, even if they do tell her how sad you are, it may come off to her as you trying to use her friends to manipulate how she feels. Doing so will only make her resent you further. Grief is weird. It makes people selfish and hyper-sensitive to how others behave and talk to them. Yes, your feelings matter too. But as I stated before, don't take it personally or try to make this about you. It's her, not you. Unless you can bring back her father, you cannot do anything help her through this. All you can do is what she asks of you, and as of right now, she has asked that you leave her be. This isn't a rom-com or "princess and her white knight savior" fairytale story. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, there is no valiant reward for that kind of self-sacrifice. --Rae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 5, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 Thanks for everything.I had initially asked her if she wanted a break,(before reaching out to this site) and she replied today by telling me that not everything is about me.She told me to stop being irrational and that she only needs space. I've agreed I'm giving her space.She said she doesn't blame me for anything. But why is she talking to others well but shutting me out. Ps. I've decided not to contact her, I'm okay right now giving her the space she needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rae1991 Posted March 5, 2019 Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 57 minutes ago, Samuel Jordan said: Thanks for everything.I had initially asked her if she wanted a break,(before reaching out to this site) and she replied today by telling me that not everything is about me.She told me to stop being irrational and that she only needs space. I've agreed I'm giving her space.She said she doesn't blame me for anything. But why is she talking to others well but shutting me out. Ps. I've decided not to contact her, I'm okay right now giving her the space she needs. To answer your question about why shes talking to others and not you I will reiterate what I said in my OP: A romantic relationship comes with expectations, standards and reciprocity requirements that are different than platonic or familial relationships. Her friends aren't expecting her to spend all her spare time with them or talk to them everyday, and they don't come with the expectation of romance, regular check-ins, time spent and the level of intimacy a romantic partnership does. She may also be using them as a way to relieve her constant thoughts of her father passing, and that's normal to do in a friendship. They aren't hanging out with her for the expectation of romantic reciprocity that she can't give, and you would be. That's the difference. She may just feel spent and taxed during her grieving, and does not have the capacity to continue to give you the emotional, physical or mental attention a romantic relationship requires at this point in time. As she told you, it isn't about you. Don't try to make it about you. I know it hurts and it's the worst kind of rejection there is, but its what she needs right now. Sidenote: Do not assume that giving her space is a guaranteed formula to make her come back to you. Don't sit around waiting in limbo for her to figure out what she wants. Do not feel obligated to put your life on hold waiting for someone else to get right. She will heal herself on her own time and it may take months or years for her to feel normal again. If she loves you, she wouldn't expect you to wait, and don't feel obligated to even if you love her. Give yourself a set time to wait, maybe a few months or so, whatever you're comfortable with. But after that, you need to start working towards moving forward for yourself. Waiting around for a relationship to return that isn't guaranteed is nothing but regret waiting to happen. Time wasted is time wasted. Yours is just as valuable as hers. --Rae 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2019 Report Share Posted March 5, 2019 2 hours ago, Samuel Jordan said: But why is she talking to others well but shutting me out. A relationship can pose as a stressor to someone grieving, whereas their friendships do not; hence they shut us out but not others. It is taking everything within her to grieve and she has nothing leftover to give you. Rae has given you very sound advice that I hope you will take to heart. Read through some of the other threads in "loss of love relationship" section, you will see a pattern, a commonality. I'm sorry, I know it's not going the way you'd like it to or how you hoped it would. It really is her, not you. I know that doesn't help a whole lot, but it's true. Which means it's nothing you have or haven't done, nothing you can control or change. The essential thing is to put your effort in to YOU right now. Spend time with family and friends, keep active. Going "no contact" is best at preserving whatever feelings she (or you) may have and if/when she's ready to reach out, she knows where to find you, but accept that that may not happen either. Put your effort into YOU. A certain amount of people seem to grieve this way. My story was found here: https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/ And Rae is right, there is no abracadabra thing you can do to make her come around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 6, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2019 Thank you Kay C and Rae.Well today I woke up much better,still feel sad that I can't talk to her,but it's the best thing I can do. I'm going to see here in class today,we have a group presentation and we're in the same group,going to be difficult,but I'll do my best to avoid her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 6, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2019 Update.Today I had decided that I'd just say hi to her in class and walk away. Her friends called me over when I had decided to stay away from her.She was hostile at first,then she started making fun of me and laughing,we laughed,had lunch,Ice cream, though she was not her usual self when with me but it was a little bit better.When we left each other,she gave me a much warmer hug,I know it means nothing and I know somedays will be bad,but I'm ready to wait for her because I love her so much,and I know she loves me I know such stories Don't end up well,but I'm sure Love Will prevail in the end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 6, 2019 Report Share Posted March 6, 2019 I'd caution you against waiting for her, you are broken up with! Respect yourself and realize this...if something changes in the future you'll be the first to know, but honestly, to WAIT when she's broken up with you?! It's almost asking for more pain. This isn't okay. You deserve better, I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 6, 2019 Report Share Posted March 6, 2019 20 hours ago, Rae1991 said: Don't sit around waiting in limbo for her to figure out what she wants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted March 8, 2019 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2019 Hey guys,just wanted to tell you that I'm doing fine,I haven't initiated contact with her and it feels good having to think about myself for a change I'm now hanging out with friends who I had seized contact with because of my girlfriend,my best friend who's a girl,is helping me out. I'm usually a weak guy and I'm surprised how this space thing isn't doing me so bad.If she doesn't comeback..it wasn't meant to be,but she asked for space and I'm going to give it to her. Thanks guys Sam 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 9, 2019 Report Share Posted March 9, 2019 Good for you! And try not to cease contact with your friends next time...I know when you're in a relationship, you're busy, but maybe try to incorporate SOME time with them all together, it's good to see how they interact, etc. I'm glad you're getting some "me time" and hope it continues on the upward spiral for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom19 Posted March 23, 2019 Report Share Posted March 23, 2019 Hi Sam, Hopefully you’re doing better by now and things have either improved or you have closure from the relationship. I’m Tom, the guy who Rae refers to up above. If you need to talk then give me a shout, hopefully I can provide some help if you need it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted April 22, 2019 Author Report Share Posted April 22, 2019 Hey guys we finally broke up...I was diagonised with Bipolarism and she couldn't handle my depresive episodes...and my parents kinda blamed her for everything happening to me that's why she broke up with me 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 23, 2019 Report Share Posted April 23, 2019 Samuel, I know initially it's painful to go through but try to keep before you what is in your best interests. I'm sorry for your diagnosis, but I hope you are able to work with your medical team to get it under control so it doesn't affect your life so much. My best to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samuel Jordan Posted April 23, 2019 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2019 I'm under medication..and the doctors said I will be taking them for a long time 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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