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kayc

Here I Go Again

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I am almost embarrassed to come here...again. But my heart is breaking and I don't know where to turn.

My SO's 85 year old mother has come to the point where he is taking full time care of her, 24/7. He quit his job and is at her place. His daughters were supposed to help, but they aren't and that doesn't look likely to happen. His mother refuses to meet me or allow me at her place, although she lets his exwife visit. She doesn't have cancer or anything, but she quit eating 1 1/2 years ago, she only drinks Ensure and Cola, so she's down to 73 lbs. However, since his coming there to take care of her, she's perked up a bit and has resumed eating a bit. We don't know if he will be taking care of her for another week, a year, or two years...we just have no idea. I got upset with him Friday because I feel it's unreasonable to expect me to never see him, and I think he should stand up to her and tell her if he's taking full care of her, he needs to have me over to visit with him a few minutes every week. I understand this lady is formidable (I've heard her over the phone). I also realize he hates and avoids confrontation. I also know she has him over a barrel because she holds the title on his home that he's lived in for 30 years, and even though he bought it back from the county for her once, and even though he has put a fortune and a ton of work into it and paid the property taxes and the home was promised to him, she can always withdraw that from her will. Nevertheless, this is a situation that he allowed to happen. His answer was to turn his phone off and he hasn't had any contact with me since Friday. I don't know if he's trying to take a break from me because he can't handle any more than he already has to deal with...or if this is his lame way of breaking up. I only know that I miss him, I want to be there for him and can't, and it sucks that he'd treat me this way. I haven't been able to eat or sleep and I feel so alone and hurting. I asked the doctor for sleeping pills today as I don't want to attempt my long commute on no sleep. And all I wanted was a hug once a week. :(

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This is so hard. I have cried buckets of tears the last few days. He still will not respond. I spoke with his daughter yesterday and she said he packed up his cell phone as if to return it somewhere. It's on my plan and has another year on the contract so I'm not sure why he'd do that except maybe he wants to just sever any and all ties with me. It hurts so much that he doesn't even want to be friends. He promised me in the beginning of our relationship he'd never hurt me, and yet here it is happening again. I hate this pain, I hate the unbearable pain inside my heart, I gave my all to him, how can he do this to me? I know he's going through a lot but that doesn't explain how he could do this. Why do you throw away the best friend you ever had? How do I forgive this? All of the promises he made...

And the worst part is not even knowing how he is doing...

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It's official. My BF just broke up with me...sent my cellphone back to me Fed Ex at my office with a note. It sucks. I never knew such pain. Is this how he always felt and he didn't have the guts to level with me? This is the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had love once and God took him from me. Maybe my life is just a bad joke.

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Kay - he sent your cellphone back by Fedex???? No call, no talking, no explanation? WTH? I'm so very sorry, Kay - this has got to be a major blow to the gut and heart. Sending ((hugs)), Marsha (or send him over here and I'll give him what for!)

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I am convinced he is Aspergers, they are very different, social unease, no communication skills, no empathy, can't look people in the eyes, obsessive/compulsive, focuses on one thing at a time (now his mom to the exclusion of me), no interest in romance or sex. But right now I am so mad, no one twisted his arm and told him to tell me I was his princess and he was keeping me forever! No one twisted his arm and made him tell me he wanted to marry me by Christmas! No one forced him to go home with me every weekend for the last 13 1/2 months! No one made him say "I love you". What is up with this?!

I know he has a lot on his plate right now but there is NO excuse for what he's done to me. He OWED it to me to tell me in person that he was calling it off. And why couldn't he have parted friends? He wasn't even interested in doing that? He didn't listen to my voice messages and I'd lay good money that he never read my emails or the note I sent him. Now I'm just sorry I even tried, I'm embarrassed, like it's my bad, here I am, stupid again, once again taken in by a man who fooled me. It makes me hate them! How can they do this to me? I've always been so good to them, I just don't get it. At least I didn't have to file a missing person's report on this one, although close. I've read that Aspergers men pick strong nurturing women, they fill the role they aren't good at. You know it was just last week Jim was calling me and treating me like I was his best friend and confident, I felt we were growing closer, he talked with me about the things going on in his life. So now all of the sudden he can't talk to me? What's up with that? I'm hurt and angry, beyond belief! This nice sweet guy that his daughter told me a year ago would never hurt me...now she speaks quite differently of him, so what, she lied to me? I would that she'd have told the truth then! You should have seen how he tried to earn my trust in the beginning, introducing me to his friends, neighbors, family, colleagues, even telling me his passwords and I had to shut him down from that, I didn't want to know. He made like his life was an open book. And now this. I don't feel I can ever trust anyone again. They all look good in the beginning. They can even keep it up quite a while. The promises he made! Too bad he didn't have the follow through.

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I did pretty good today, then when I came home the tears poured, it's so hard to be home and know he'll never be here again. I miss him so bad, I sob, and I doubt I'll get the opportunity to see him again, my heart is literally broken in two and I can't breathe. I wish so much I could be afforded the opportunity to be his friend, to be here for him while he is going through so much, I am so worried about him, I want to know how he is and it's killing me that I am cut off from him, now of all times when he needs me. I don't understand anything, why did he string me on for 13 1/2 months just to dump me? Did I never mean anything to him? Why do I have to go through so much pain in my life, other people don't go through so much, why am I always the one that gets the heartbreak? I feel so betrayed, so lied to, so let down. And I feel so alone like no one cares. He was the one I always turned to, how do you survive when it is your best friend that hurts you and you can no longer turn to?

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I have an old message on my home and one on my cell from Jim that I am just not ready to erase, that'll be pretty hard...the one on my cell will probably disappear any day now but the one at home, I just can't cut it loose, it's my only way to hear his voice, is that stupid or what? It's so hard... And I tried taking my ring off and my finger just felt so bare that it was distracting so I put it back on. I'm not hoping for anything, it's not that, I'm just having a hard time with the adjustment, you know?

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Years ago, I developed this theory: some males are sooo gutless, they treat their SO badly until she breaks up with him. It allows the male to move forward free of guilt because, after all, he was technically the one dumped.

It sounds like he tried this with you. You were just too tenacious to let go.

You're too good for a guy still tied to Mama's apron strings.

I had a similar experience, in another lifetime when I was young. It does hurt. It felt sort of like a death, for sure.

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ipswitch, maybe you're right, I don't know. He didn't treat me badly but neither did he expend the effort I did. He led me to believe our future was together, he told me he loved me, often, we held hands and cuddled a lot, he was there each and every weekend, he seemed to enjoy our time together, so this is all rather confusing to me.

He'd never really been tied to his mother's apron strings before but he was not there when his father died (he didn't know he was going to die) and he felt guilty about it, and he promised his mother he would not put her in a nursing home and he'd take care of her (she took care of her own mother for years before she died so that was the example he had set for him). My only objection was in excluding me...I felt he should tell his mom that he's going to have me over for a while every Friday night...what's she going to do, ground him? He lets her get away with it.

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I am having a really hard time with this. I haven't received a lot of response. Does that mean people think this isn't that big a deal? It FEELS like a huge deal to me. This was the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with! We talked every day, spent every weekend together, were engaged for a year, he made promises to me, he said he'd never hurt me, he never gave any indication he wanted to break up or wasn't happy with "us". I am shocked to the core and heartbroken! It feels just like a death...only one of his making, one he CHOSE to do to me! In one sense, that's HARDER than death! I have to go to church and not have him sitting there with me like he has for the last year. My routine is turned upside down. I no longer have that person that chopped the kindling and helped me walk the dogs. Everywhere I look in my town are reminders of him, places we drove, places we ate, memories, memories in my home, my vehicles. How do I purge myself of these haunting memories when I am stuck with them? He isn't faced with that, for our memories were in MY home, not his! It all seems so unfair. My trust is shattered, my sense of value of myself is gone. How can I be worth something when the person I was so in love with didn't even value me enough to say goodbye or be honest with me? I am cut off from the family and friends he introduced me to, I will never see his neighbors again, or his roommate's dog, Winston. His daughter April is getting married this week and I can't even send her my wishes or a card...he told me it made his daughters uncomfortable to talk to me...but just the day before they were telling me how much they loved me. I feel so lied to! What do I do with this broken heart? The pain is unbearable. I can't sleep, I have to force myself to eat because of my Diabetes, but I don't feel like it. I feel like I've lost my purpose and meaning in life. Everywhere I look, people are busy with their own lives, my kids don't have the time of day for me, people don't want to hear about loss, it's uncomfortable. But it's consuming and it hurts. What do I do with it? I try to keep busy, try to get out and see people, but at the day's end, I'm alone with my thoughts and my pain. I just don't understand any of this. God, when will it quit hurting like this?

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Kay, my dear, I know you "haven't received a lot of response," but please don't for a moment think that means no one here cares about you and what you are going through. The messages you've posted in this thread have been viewed over a hundred times, so I know you are being "heard." I, for one, find myself feeling very angry with the man who is hurting you this way, and frustrated that there is nothing I can do or say to fix it for you. Like Marsha, I wish we all could rally the troops somehow, go find this man and smack him. More than anything, I wish we could wave some magic wand to make this all go away, then bring a real Prince Charming into your life and watch the two of you ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, however, like you, I've learned through my own trials and tribulations that real life is not like that. You know better than anyone that when life beats you down like this, you only have two choices. You can just give up and lie there in the dirt, or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and somehow find the strength to keep going. Over the last several years, I've come to know you well enough to have faith that somehow you will find a way to get through this. You will keep going, you will continue to grow, and one day you will be looking back on this and telling all of us about the valuable lessons you have learned from it. You may not have any of that precious faith right now, but I hope it brings you some comfort to know that we will hold it for you until you are ready to hold it again on your own. We love you, Kay, and we will not let you go through this alone.

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Thank you, Marty, it helps so much to feel someone cares and to receive a note of encouragement when you are the most down. This was a very hard week but I'm doing a little better, it was just such a shock to me. He gave no indication that he would call things off. He told everyone we were engaged, he said he saw us spending our future together, he told me he loved me, often, he had his granddaughter calling me grandma, this just totally threw me for a loop. I have been learning about Aspergers and am convinced he is an Aspie, and as such is not good at communication and social skills, this just attests to that. But I find this unacceptable, whether he can help it or not, it is just way too painful, and even as Aspie can learn what is appropriate and what is not, maybe not by instinct, but through learned behavior. Anyway, I'm trying to keep busy. Today I went to a Blues Concert at the park and a Harmonic Contest, it was very enjoyable, so I'm trying to get out and spend time with people, I think that helps.

My hope is if anyone ever goes through anything like this in the future they can read these words and know they are not alone.

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Greetings Kayc,

I am sorry to know you are in pain, hopefully time will ease your sadness and disappoinment at having to face the unexpected reality from one whom you place your faith, hope and dreams and see it crumbling through circumstances beyond your control.

At this point in time, you may not know how fortunate you are to have had a close call, all the excuses in the world does not give him the right to treat you the way he did, he is not worth a single tear, cut your loss and not bother over a lost cause.

Had he stayed with you, it would have been a two sided boxing match, with mother on one end, son in the other and you are going to be the 'punching bag' for both. Not a good outlook for a long term loving relationship.

Kay, life is full of surprises and one never know what is just round the corner, don't despair, just pray the Lord will give you His Inner Peace and Comfort for He knows your every need.

In his Loving Grip.

jessie w.

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Thanks, Jessie. I know God is looking out for me. It's weird but sometimes you can step outside yourself and look in at what's going on with an observing eye...even all the while you're feeling the pain on a human level. It helps buts it doesn't alleviate the pain, for that I know that only time is the cure. Still I've made it past the worst beginning days, even though I still find myself in a state of disbelief and shock. I'm in a small town and it hurts to hear the buzzing around me, but I have to ignore all that. It's amazing to me that people want to add to your pain by gossiping and speculating instead of just lending a supportive arm around you. I'll get through this eventually...

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kay,

Lift your head up high and press the ignore button, there are always inconsiderate folks who have got nothing better to do then gossip.

Don't let their attitude bug you, be strong and courages, eventually those guys knowing they are unable to hurt you emotionally will move on. Praying to the Lord for them will help.

Kay, tomorrow is a new day with a clean slate.

In his Loving Grip,

jessie w.

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Thanks...

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I thought I was doing pretty good and now all of a sudden I feel like crying again...how is it you can be someone's fiance one minute and you're going to share your whole life together and the next instant you don't even have access to them? How can they just cut you off without even a backwards glance? How can they just forget about you, not care about your feelings? How can he not miss me like I miss him? Was I nothing to him? Was he playacting all this time? How can you be so unaware of yourself that you don't even know whether or not you love the person you've promised yourself to? How can I just be discarded so easily? This feels just like when John did it. I never got an explanation either time. I was good to them, how is it I always seem to get singled out for bad treatment? Some people say he must have been a loser, bad person, etc., but he wasn't! Yes, he had problems, obviously, but I don't know too many that don't...but how was I to have foreseen this? Is there something wrong with me? Am I a magnet for these type? Why couldn't I have just gotten someone normal? Was it because my mom is so abnormal and I didn't know anything else growing up, that I don't know normal from abnormal so I'm subjected to a lifetime of this? I don't ever want to go through this again, but then I didn't want to this last time, he seemed so stable, so nice, so open and above board, he had such a good history...do I bring out the worst in people? If so, how? I fix dinner, clean house, spend time with them...my life doesn't seem so abnormal, I don't do the drinking/smoking/drugs, I'm loyal, I hold down a job, I pay my bills on time...what is it that is so different about me from anyone that attracts people that would treat me in this way? The one man who loved me I couldn't keep alive and God didn't much ask me what I thought about it. I guess I am destined to a lifetime of nothing but work, chores, and aloneness...no one to share a sunset with, no one to hold me, no one to notice if I make it home at night. I feel like life has passed me by and my time has come and gone.

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I feel like each day that goes by without hearing from Jim, it just gets harder. I feel so rejected and it hurts so bad. It feels like he hates me or something, that he could just do this to me and not even care. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together and instead I'm discarded like a piece of trash. Does he never think about me? Does he never miss me? How could he just totally throw me away and not even want me for a friend? I don't get that. At least when I lost George, it was beyond his control, he didn't reject me, he didn't have a say so, so it wasn't anything personal. But this, this hurts so bad! It was a year ago that I took the day off work so we could take Ciera to the fair. And in a couple of weeks it'll be a year since Jim accompanied me to my daughter's wedding, and his granddaughter came home with us, and he wrote on my page, "I'm so lucky to have you in my life!" What changed? When did he stop feeling lucky? And why didn't he tell me? I thought he was someone I could count on, I thought we were family. I don't feel I can ever trust again...to invest this much of yourself into a relationship only to be thrown away without even a backward glance, that's just too tough. How could he do that?

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Guest Robert27

Hi KayC

I dont know how he could do that to you, let me say I'm Sorry that your hurting so bad, please dont ever place your value on what someone else feels about you, I hope things turn around, but let me say this, You are a Very Special person, and Yes MartyT is so right, You dont Deserve to be treated this way, To me it seems like the only one missing out is him, Your Special and its his loss,

I know theres not much I can say to make you feel much better, but just know I Care and I'm Sorry like I said that your in pain.

Take Care.

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Hi Kay,

I think you are a very BRAVE person.You are not afraid to put yourself out there. I am still not ready after 2 years. I know your heart is breaking but you will pick yourself up again and I pray that a very special person will come your way and all the heart ache will almost seem worth it.

Take care.

Mary Lou

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Thanks Mary Lou, but right now the best I can hope for is this incredible pain would go away. I don't hope for anyone to come my way, I feel pretty done with men, I'm tired of being led on, lied to, betrayed. I just don't need it. My hopes are more along the lines of just being able to make my house payment so I can keep my wonderful funny dog with me. Now THAT would make me happy!

This weekend was a little tougher as I was alone. My house is getting very clean.

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For what it's worth I think staying as friends is over-rated. One half of the couple is hoping for a re-igniting of the love relationship, and generally reads more meaning into the contact, phone calls, etc, than is meant. Down the road, a few months, things may have cooled off and may be different. And if a person doesn't want to commit - gee, I know it feels personal, how can it not? But it's more likely his shortcoming in not being able to settle down.

If one has a really good reason, (I belong to X religion and you are an atheist, I don't want children and you do, I want to live on a farm and you want to live in the city) well then you'd just say it, wouldn't you? The crickets chirping you're hearing is more like, "I dunno, I'm just not sure she's THE ONE." And if you can't tell, I'm of the opinion that there isn't "ONE" but many some one could form a successful relationship with. I'm dipping toes into the pool at this point and not responding to men who look for "The One," as in my experience, that kind of man thinks no relationship involves work. All he has to do is show up, and his woman will never want anything that requires any effort on his part.

Ipswitch is a tad bitter about the male half of the human race today. Sorry.

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Well I'm kind of feeling that way myself too. I know there are some good men out there, I just think they're few and far between and I no longer trust my judgment to pick them. In fact, I no longer trust, period. One of the casualties of what I've been through.

I think Jim and I could have stayed friends if he'd handled things differently...we're older and our relationship was companion-like anyway, but I can't get past what he's done to me and how he's done it. I mean, all year long he kept saying he loved me and he intended to spend our future TOGETHER and he kept referring to me as his fiancee. He gave no indication that he intended to break up or anything changed. That's why I feel so betrayed, so led on and deceived. And I'm sick of it. He knew what I'd been through with my ex and he said he'd never hurt me yet here I am.

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I stopped writing for a while because there really wasn't anything new to say, but the pain continues, the hurt, and the confusion. I feel so betrayed, so lied to, so led on. If only he had been up front with me, if only he had done things the right way, I could better tolerate his decision. But this, this is too much, with his not even talking to me. Right up until he broke up with me he was still telling me he loved me, and just a short time before he said he saw us spending our future together. He called me his fiancee to everyone, how does that change? How does he suddenly just not care about me, not think of me, not miss me? I wonder how he is and the pain inside of my heart is searing excruciatingly. I left my ring up at my little sister's accidentally and it pains me to be without it, it is a reminder that I no longer belong to him, or him to me. He has two cigarettes in the ashtray that I have left there, I can't bring myself to throw them out, is that stupid? His voicemail disappeared on my phone and I thought, "I'll never hear his voice again", and it broke my heart. I check on FB for any news of his mother but there is nothing mentioned. It's as if he has disappeared off the face of the Earth to me and I cannot understand that. I cry, but it does no good, there is no one to answer or care. How long will this go on, this pain inside of me which is my constant companion? I wake up in the night with the same thoughts whirling in my head and cannot go back to sleep. Has he missed any sleep at all over me? Unlikely. Otherwise he would not have sent me that note so callously. How does one do something so cruel and live with themselves after that? There is no man who looks so young for his age, who has such beautiful skin, such soft eyes, such soft hair...I miss holding hands with him, I miss cuddling with him on the couch. This week my family were all talking about movies and tears came to my eyes...for he is an incredible movie buff, he knows all of the actors, titles, lines, costumes, everything, and I couldn't bear to think of it. I can barely handle watching anything for it reminds me of him. He was so good with Arlie, and now my Arlie is sick and I know he misses Jim and how can I tell my sweet dog that Jim is never coming here again? It doesn't matter who is interested in me, I am not interested, I only miss my Jim and don't understand how he could desert me in such a fashion. It's so hard to go to church and everyone asks about him, what do I say, that he no longer loves me and didn't mean what he said to me? Why do I have to answer for him when it should be him doing his own dirty work! I am left holding the bag, not even allowed to say goodbye to his daughters, his granddaughter, his neighbors, friends. It was just one year ago he was calling me his princess, how did that change? I was good to him, I do not understand! Are all men liars? Do they all con you and lead you on? I can no longer trust, no longer believe anything anyone says. He has stripped me of my value with less effort than it takes to breathe! What do I do with this wedding dress and shoes? What do I do with our rings? What do I do with this gaping hole he left behind in my heart?!

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