Merry Christmas

[Tachi]

     Guess im not very good at this anymore. This day has been a day of reflection for me and remembrance. I spent so long away from home by myself I guess I forgot how. i did get some time with family and some extra time with my Mom before she passed. for that I am thankfull. I cant put into words how much you ladies have helped and what its meant. Thank you for your compassion and thank you for being here and helping others. I wish you peace and a Merry Christmas

 

 

[kayc]

Christmas can be hard for those with loss.  I hope your day went well.  My daughter's Christmas present...she's getting served with divorce papers.  She had a really rough day.

I ran across this picture of my grandparents...their wedding day 100 years ago on Christmas.

[Tachi]

We had a quiet day. I got Turkey at the deli and cooked the rest. Dad like every day watched movies and TV. Am cluing in that he doesnt want to go out anymore. Every Thursday he used to go have lunch with his friends. Today he made excuses. maybe he doesnt feel up to it. Hes getting weaker from lack of exercise I think. 

Your Grandparents look very happy. Love old photos and is wonderful you appreciate them. used to have a photo of an ancestor from late 1800's I think or 1900. He looked like a gunslinger...but he was a circuit preacher. Times were tougher back then I guess.

Took two days off from studying but didnt really do anything.

Hope is not too cold there, we are upper 60s.

take good care

[kayc]

I got snow on Christmas and again today, just enough to turn everything white.  Your dad is lucky to have you!  He may be feeling a little depressed, it's common in older people, nothing is as it used to be, he may feel, "Whats' the point."  Hopefully he'll go out with his friends again, sometimes Christmastime exacerbates everything.

Sometimes we just need a break from always doing.  I have an exhausting schedule ahead this month, makes me want to crawl under the covers.

Look what my son brought me for Christmas!  I've had him two weeks, two days...and he was born on my birthday!

[Tachi]

That puppy is so adorable.....you'll have to get him a couple toys...like your shoe lol. 

I read here and there the Dementia Reddit....and im thinking that when my dad just sits there and stares down he is lost in it. Read an article on how an opera singer connected with her elder Mom by playing her favorite songs and getting her to sing. At dinner every day I try and play on the Alexa some of his music and keep him connected. Seems to work a bit. he spends his afternoons watching movies etc, which is better than just staring but dont know if his mind is engaged or is just babysitting.

we are 66 today and climbing, I feel guilty for enjoying this.

yes ma am I did get the impression you stay very busy. I hope you remember to save some time to relax and play with the new puppy. That cuteness does deman attention.

Take good care

[kayc]

Oh trust me, there's no way I can ignore this puppy, he embodies the good things in life!  He's such a sweet baby!

Got snow yesterday but today it's just cold without the white stuff.  I don't know what state you're in, but enjoy 66!  That's close to the temp my GF is in, in TX!

I'm not sure how much the dementia patient is zoned out...at my mom's dementia care facility, they had instrumentalists come in and play for them, they did seem to enjoy it even those who couldn't respond.  My mom cried a lot but I think it was just emotion, whether good or bad, escaping.  They took my dad's picture down because they said it made her cry.  I wouldn't have.  It was good for her to know he still loves her even though he's gone.  It touched her when I told her that.  I don't think people should be so afraid of tears, they aren't always a bad thing.

[MartyT]

8 minutes ago, kayc said:

I don't think people should be so afraid of tears, they aren't always a bad thing.

Amen to that, Kay! ❤️

[Tachi]

Mom had an old Presbyterian cookbook. It also had many notes and recipes from her and other ladies in the families past, quite the treasure. My dad didnt see any value in it. I do and I wanted to give it to my brother's wife. But he didnt think she'd care. Bro has been asking me to save for him a couple expensive 'heirlooms' from my parents ...dads possessions. to which i told him they arent mine and he has to ask dad. he never asks dad and when I mention it to Dad he gets testy and says no, he gets no special favors. Bro keeps asking about some service set that if dad  has it is quite the collectors item and bro wants that. Dad says it never existed. Now, my bro wants to have the 'heirlooms'...meaning he wants to get the expensive things from dads estate. dads still alive. Bro wants me to research Mom's glassware and antique dish sets, determine a value and seel them on ebay. Lol. Not onlyt do I not have time, I would insist on being wellpaid. he wants free labor. Not happenin. When dad passes my brother is going to be a pain. he is a narcissist like Dad. he keeps telling me what I need to do in life, unfortunately he gives very bad advice. His advice on IT career fields and the possibilities for me are dead wrong. Tbh I dont consider him family, I no longer have one.

Anyway, we have family in Cali that I havent heard from in many years. Dad doesnt like them and always talks them down. They were mad I think about some family matters and of course my dad insists everyone do things his way. But, wanting this cookbook to go to someone who appreciates it, and seeing that my cousin had written Dad asking about it.....I mailed it to her. I knew she would appreciate it as the heirloom it is. But they had moved. the new owners called her son and he mailed it to them in Vermont. Got a very sweet letter from her a couple days ago thanking me for the cookbook. She added abrief account of what the other cousins are doing and offered to stay in touch. Way my dad is everyone has to come to him and when they dont he badmouths em. me included. But it was such a surprise that she got the book and wrote to me.

My dad on the other hand is slowly going downhill, and refuses to listen to anyone. he watches TV all day remote in hand clicking like mad. Except he cant understand whats free and what he pays extra for. ive show him several times but I just dont think he has the awareness. This month has been ten movies, a years sub to the PGA channel and several movie channels. And he doesnt want anything he has to pay extra for. 

Sigh, hope youyre all doing well, waiting for Spring....

[kayc]

Good to hear form you again!  

Are you able to get your dad out for a walk?  Might be better than watching t.v. all day, if he is able.

I was married to a Narcissist for two years, not a whole lot we can do with them other than set boundaries.  They do not respond or feel like we do.  Don't let your brother walk on you, I pray to God!  When the time comes to settle the estate, if he can't be more reasonable (monitary value should be even) you could sell it all and split it down the middle, AFTER you've taken your fees for being executor of the estate.  Beyond that, what does it matter what he thinks, it's all fair and square and legal...it's not he who yells the loudest gets what he wants, after all!

Me too...waiting for Spring.  Alas I have 2 1/2 months left of winter and I pray there are no storms like the one we had 2/24/19.  That was one of the worst I've been in, and I lived through the Columbus Day storm and Eugene/1969's 4' snow storm.  I also got 6' here Nov 1981, that was hard, but we didn't lose electricity (and thus water) as long as last year's.  I'm thankful to not be in hurricane territory though or Canada's sub-zero temperatures.

Your dad is mighty lucky to have you, I just wish he could realize that.  You do what you do because you're a good person.  Someone raised you right...I'm taking it that was your mom?

[Tachi]

Sadly dad doesnt walk. anymore he is tied to his walker. the neurologist and I tried to get him to exercise and work on his balance but he never has. Now hes too weak. he wont walk outside at all. I got him a daylight bulb which gives off same light as sunlight so his brain thinks its day and he will sleep at night. But like everything he does it for awhile then stops and wont listen. Like the wrist weights his neurologist suggested. 

I know my brother and I will go at it when dads gone, dad wont tell him that what ive done with the estate has his blessing. He is also talking about getting some things fixed around here, that really dont have to be done. But i think he sees he has some money so wants to spend it. He is supposed to save that for expenses when he is gone. because I cant afford it. At this point im worried to death that when the time comes I will be faced with either going broke to get things done else just walk away. Theres a funny thing that neither my dad nor bro understand. That by law I am entitled to get paid for my service. dad thinks hes getting a freebie cause he gives me room and board. I dont really care about getting paid, i just want him to cover his expenses.

When that time comes there is the way ive planned and is the only way the estate gets settled fairly and wout me going broke or bankrupt. If those things happen i will be out on the street. One thing ive learned is to trust my own judgment and not my family's. My back will be against the wall so going to war will not be a problem. 

How is the puppy? just think when it gets warm you two and go walk in the yard and play catch.

Hmm, honestly, i wouldnt be mentioning you were in all those bad storms or someone may try and put two and two together.....of corse maybe theyd pay you to go live somewhere warm. I was born in Chicago and remember the times we were snowed in, although you had it much worse. I still love the cold but not as much. 

Im sorry you were married to a narc, people dont understand until theyve dealt with one, it can be very scary. I liken it to a psychotic, to the devil.

Think i'll go play with some artwork. take good care

 

[kayc]

Those storms weren't just local, they affected a vast part of Oregon, so not to worry about anything identifying my location.

12 hours ago, Tachi said:

by law I am entitled to get paid for my service.

I hope you bill the estate for your services as allotted by law as it is a headache and takes a lot of work.  You won't please your brother no matter WHAT you do so don't worry about it (I know Narcissists), just stay according to the law and you'll be okay.

Poor Kodie got a severe/bad reaction to his vaccinations yesterday, couldn't move, sit, lay down, eat, drink all day/night.  It broke my heart.  I didn't put him in the kennel last night as I couldn't do so w/o hurting him.  It hurt him when I put him on the couch but I tried to be quick about it, I slept next to him all night and put my pillow on the other side of him along with his monkey he sleeps with.  He's much better today and he got a walk with me (the electricity is out so not a whole lot more I can do).

[Tachi]

I dont know if he will have anything left when he goes. Seems he forgets he needs to leave something for funeral and estate expenses. He is at a point where he comes up with things around the house he wants to get fixed that really dont need it. Maybe it makes him feel normal. I setup his amazon prime with a purchase pin tonight so he doesnt accidentally buy channels and movies. Hes spent a huindred bucks this month on shows he doesnt watch. Ive shown him how to tell if theyre included in prime but he just doesnt understand. 

Glad your puppy is better, poor thing must have been miserable. Hope he's alright now. You're a good Mom. We used to take an old windup clock and place it wrapped up in a soft old blanket. they say the ticking reminds em of their Mom's heart and comforts them. 

I think the fee for doing the estate is 10%, its either 5 or 10. I would settle just for him to save his money and leave me something to keep the house going til I sell it. Otherwise will need to get a loan on the equity and I really dont want to take any chances of hurting my credit. If the house should ruin tat then I cant rent an apt or get a job. The future really scares me at this point. 

Attached please find one of my artworks, very simple but I love blue

Take care

[kayc]

That's beautiful, I love blue too.  It reminds me of one of the FB backgrounds that I lie.  It kind of looks lie it could be here in Oregon.

[Tachi]

I almost moved to Oregon years back. Beautiful area from what ive seen. I love doing landscapes and playing with light, rather I used to.

[kayc]

Oregon has something in it for everyone...ocean, mountains, valleys, hills, flat areas, desert, you name it.  Beauty for all tastes!  You'd love it here, doing your painting, you could become a local artist.

 

[Kieron]

OMG I would buy that in a heartbeat, Tachi.  That's gorgeous.

[Tachi]

9 hours ago, Kieron said:

OMG I would buy that in a heartbeat, Tachi.  That's gorgeous.

Thanks, that is a new software Unreal Editor. Its used to make games and do architectural rendering. but the best thing about it is I can go in live and walk around. The wind blows and the water flows. Really cool software.

[Tachi]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

Oregon has something in it for everyone...ocean, mountains, valleys, hills, flat areas, desert, you name it.  Beauty for all tastes!  You'd love it here, doing your painting, you could become a local artist.

 

Something i've considered is that after my dad passes I am not tied to anywhere. I woud love to be near nature and the woods. But sadly will have to work util the day i die. I just pray my studies in IT will be enough to find a job that pays the bills. Life is all worry these days im afraid.

[kayc]

How long until you retire?  Might be a goal to have a motor home then and do your paintings where ever you go, although if you have a home base it's easier to become known in your state, even if you travel for the different scenery.
I'm sure you'll get IT that will pay the bills until then, just keep your creative bent as a hobby on the side.  Whatever you do, I'm sure it'll be easier than what you're having to do right now.  God bless you, you're a good son.  My mom was lucky in that respect too, she had wonderful children, didn't always deserve them.  I believe we treat people the way we want to be treated, regardless of how they are.  Some people we cut off because they're toxic, but not so easy when they're our parents.

[Tachi]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

How long until you retire?  Might be a goal to have a motor home then and do your paintings where ever you go, although if you have a home base it's easier to become known in your state, even if you travel for the different scenery.
I'm sure you'll get IT that will pay the bills until then, just keep your creative bent as a hobby on the side.  Whatever you do, I'm sure it'll be easier than what you're having to do right now.  God bless you, you're a good son.  My mom was lucky in that respect too, she had wonderful children, didn't always deserve them.  I believe we treat people the way we want to be treated, regardless of how they are.  Some people we cut off because they're toxic, but not so easy when they're our parents.

Sadly esp since I wont be working for a few years here I can never retire. Ive only worked for junk jobs that paid junk matching. I had wanted to get into 3D artwork and work tgat til the end. That didnt work out. It will be difficult I think finding meaningful work at the mid 60s but i have little choice anymore. 

Thank you for many kindnesses. yes your Mom was blessed also. When my dad passes i will be free to go wherever i please but it will probably be too late. But yes somewhere safe and near or in the trees. I dont want anything fancy or materialistic. Ive learned some important lessons, like valuing my Time and people. When I think about all those years I hadnt a clue, wasted time.

 

 

[kayc]

Well you never know, things have a way of working out.  I had no intention of retiring when I did but alas it was the recession, age discrimination, couldn't get a job even though I'd never had a problem beforehand, and my eyes wouldn't permit me driving at night anymore...with the long commute, I had no choice.  But I've been able to make it.  I hope things work out for you also.  Or at least you get a job you really love.

[Tachi]

I hope they work out too. But i dont have near enough to retire on. Too bad im not a writer. then i could work from home. No skill and no idea what to write about. That is my great fear, That I could do the job but they wont want to hire an old man as a beginner in IT. I pray theres more to life after this but not betting on it.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

I pray theres more to life after this but not betting on it.

I kind of felt that way after my husband died nearly 15 years ago.  I take a day at a time and try not to think unduly about what tomorrow brings.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34  Of course that doesn't mean we shouldn't plan, but plans do have a way of changing sometimes.  If my favorite job hadn't gone out of business in the recession, I'd have worked there until I was 70, it was local, my boss was great, and he would have let me work around the daylight hours, he was very supportive and wanted to keep good employees, I loved everything about that place from what I did to the people I worked with and for.  But alas things happen.
Right now the job market is vastly better than it was when I retired, so hopefully you won't face the age discrimination that I did.  I think employers should get tax credits for hiring people over 50!

 

[Tachi]

I agree on the tax credits. Most of the young people ive worked with and managed considered work an extension of school. Not serious and just a place to play and be socially active. If a bit of work just happened to get done that couldnt be helped. Ive had a few who were awesome but most of em....Generally it was the older folks who werent having to check facebook constantly or wait for texts or have soeone want to come in and hang out. They actually understood what a job was and what work was. I remember this last job we had a bigwig coming and I was swamped....had my own worklist, cash office, straightening up and filling merchandise. And one of the kids blew up at me because I wouldnt do his job while he sat in the cooler and filled cokes for 6 hours. Did my boss support me? nope. And part of the reason I walked out . 

Your job sounds awesome. Its only as good as the boos they say. I think i've had two good bosses in my lifetime and both werent respected by their companies, which expected them to play the game and be good ole boys and treat people like $%^&. I havent stepped inside a target since and a Walgreens maybe twice. 

All my life I have known yet never taken care of my future. I dont know why. Ive seen certain things coming that happened and I wasnt prepared. I guess its human nature to want security for the future. I 'had' a plan but Life disagreed with me, Life won. Well, plenty in the present to take care of. You do what you can and breath. Thats what im learning, do your best then just let it go. 

Take good care

[kayc]

I've been lucky with my jobs, I loved them all but the last one, my boss was a doofus.  It's hard to work for someone you don't respect.  I found the same thing to be true there as most of the employees were in their 20s...checking FB, talking/laughing, coming in to work at all hours (good to grace our presence by 10, we opened at 8), long lunch breaks.  But I fault the boss, he never dealt with it.  If he would have given me the authority, I would have dealt with it, I did at other places I worked.  I don't think it's the age so much as the generation because 40 years ago I was young and had great work ethics, so did my coworkers, but we were baby boomers, they're dedicated hard workers.  But then again, my son is more like a baby boomer and he's 35.

I never worked for government, or large business, which has the best retirement, always smaller companies that struggled.  I worked for school system as a teenager, a paint/wallpaper store, orthotic/prosthetic facility, a real estate corporation, a country doctor who dealt with anything/everything that came along, a church,  a mill/trucking co./brokerage firm, a place that made military airplane parts, and lastly, "planners."  "Planners" was a joke because he was anything but.  I asked him once why he went into this and he said because he flunked out of law school.  You flunk out of law school and that somehow defines you as a planner???  I shake my head.  The military airplane parts was my favorite although I liked the other jobs too.  This was perfect for me, hand and glove fit.  We didn't have to be fast but we had to be perfect.  Of course I couldn't dawdle as I wore so many hats.  Bookkeeping, Office Mgt., assisting Supervisors and Quality Control, ordering, shipping, receiving, dealing with clients, especially the ones from Korea...they were tricky and it took a fine art of kissing a-- and putting my foot down, knowing which to do when.   

Yep, keep breathing!  I hope your day goes well.