mental Can't cry feel dead inside

[Forrest]

My name is Forrest, My Mother of 60 years died on11/23/2019 on  my 60th birthday. I am a Ret USCG Search and Rescue and Law Enforcement.

Mom had heart problems for about 2 years before her death. She left and my heart died with her. She is a Ret Police Officer and passed at 86 years of age.  I am a Father 2 and have a wonderful wife.  I just don't know how to deal with it. I can not freaking cry. Have all sorts of Physical problems and the mental forget it. I am PTSD from seeing my dad kill himself in my bedroom at 11 years of age, and 20 years military service. So I don't even know why i am here. I guess I a way this may keep my mind off her. Hell I just don't know. Thanks for listing.

AEC USCG Ret

FKR

[MartyT]

My friend, I'm so sorry for the losses you've endured ~ some of which I'm sure were quite traumatic for you. I don't know what sort of support you've had through all of this, but since you identify yourself not only as a childhood survivor of suicide loss, but also as a military veteran with PTSD and a man with "all sorts of physical problems and the mental" as well, it seems to me that you would benefit from a few sessions with a qualified grief counselor who has experience in working with traumatic loss. Ever since you were a child and throughout your adult life, you've had way more than your share of trauma and the after-effects of it. At the very least, I hope you are willing to do some reading about this challenging kind of loss. In recent years we've learned so much about PTSD and how to treat it more effectively ~ it would be a shame for you to spend the rest of your life in such pain. 

Here you will find links to dozens of helpful resources ~ and I hope you'll take some time to explore some of them:

Coping with Traumatic Loss: Suggested Resources 

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

 

 

[kayc]

I am so sorry, and that it occurred on your birthday makes it all the harder hitting.  Sometimes it's hardest to see our last parent go as they are our last connection to that person that loved and raised us and it feels like everything changed.  I'm sorry for all you went through with your dad too, so young to go through something like that.  I hope you will see a professional grief counselor...it helps to have someone guide us through this as getting blindsided with something like this can literally knock the wind out of us.

A friend of mine is getting counseling through the V.A. and it doesn't cost him anything, perhaps this would be available to you?

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/07/in-grief-when-tears-wont-come_14.html

[Forrest]

kayc,

Thank you so much. I sat here for an hour and do not know to say to you. Thank you for caring for reaching out to someone  that is going through this hell. I will write back soon. I guess I am just not ready to start talking to people about it yet. Hope you understand. Your a Peach!!

FKR

 

[kayc]

Sometimes there's nothing to say, just getting through each day is enough.  Those of us here understand.

[Forrest]

Thank you I have to pull myself together for my family, Its like one min I think I am getting better then I am back in a very dark place.

Thank You

[widow'15]

Forrest:  Can't begin to say how sorry I am to read of your loss.  You have taken the first step by joining this grief forum.  There are many of us here that have found some solace by sharing our grief.  You will be ready when you are ready.  Until then, know you are not alone.  Dee

[Kieron]

Hello, I am sorry to read about your losses.  I think it's quite natural and understandable when you say,

On 1/2/2020 at 6:54 PM, Forrest said:

Its like one min I think I am getting better then I am back in a very dark place.

That's what some call the grief switchbacks, like those mountain roads that seem to double back on themselves, seen as squiggles from an airplane.  You think you have made progress, only to find yourself sort of looking over at territory you thought you already left behind.  it's very possible that the loss of your mother has dredged up sadness and grief from losing your dad so long ago --and in such a traumatic way.  Someone here once said that any grief left over that hasn't been dealt with in some manner, lies in wait for us down the road until we do address it.  And, please remember, your newest loss is so, so fresh at barely two months, and then there are the holidays that we just had.  Yikes but that's a lot to consider!  It's going to feel what it feels like for some time longer, I'm sorry to say, and for guys, it's a little harder because of the need or desire to "keep it together" for others.  I noticed that being active, doing things, helped me come to terms with my situation a bit better than I think I might have.  You will find what works for you.

[kayc]

And yes because it's never quite over and done with, our grief accumulates with each loss.  We may learn to adjust to life without them to some extent, but it's never the same again and it seems it takes so much effort to live our lives whereas once it didn't.

[Kieron]

Very true, Kay.  yesterday was the local monthly support group and while it was good to attend (I missed December's group) it just stirred up the grief sludge, because several new people were there, who had just lost their spouse/partner in the last 6 months and they were asking if it gets any easier, etc.  I don't mind discussing it but it does set me back a little each time, or so it seems.  🙁