Can’t believe this is happening (again)

[MamasGirl59]

I have been reading over a lot of stories in this group, and it has helped me a little, even though nothing can prepare me for what’s about to happen.

I am about to have a call with a palliative care team to see the best way to take care of my mother who is dying from liver disease & kidney failure. I can’t believe this is happening, my brain won’t grasp the idea that this is really real. 

I’m 32 years old and just had my first child the same week they diagnosed my mom. She is 61.  What was supposed to be one of the most exciting times in my life has now been the worst. I feel like I just got robbed of 20 years with her. 
 

My father died when I was 16, suddenly from a heart attack. That turned our world upside down much like this is going to, but now I won’t have my mother who is my rock to get through it with. I’m going to be orphaned in my 30s and with a newborn. Not many people my age can relate. I’m also an only child and any relatives I have are out of state and can’t come here for their own health reasons. I have my mom’s husband who I am close to and my husband, but it’s just not the same. I need my mom. 
 

I just wish we had more time, this stupid Coronavirus and my pregnancy kept me away from her, whereas I used to see her everyday. I feel like if I had seen her, I would have pushed her to go to the doctors sooner 💔 I’m so heartbroken, I feel like I am dying with her. It has been very difficult to take care of my son. I feel like I have been doing the bare minimum. This also has crushed my faith and the belief that those gone before me are watching over us.
 

[MartyT]

My heart breaks for you as I read your tragic story, my dear. I cannot imagine the disappointment you and your mother must feel at the very time you've become a mother and she's become a grandmother. So unfair. So hard to accept. I am so sorry 

It's good that you've been reading many of the stories in this forum, and I hope that doing so has helped you to feel less alone. I also encourage you to take a look at these articles, including the related resources listed at the base of each:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

 

[MamasGirl59]

Thank you Marty. She doesn’t want to die and she’s terrified and so heartbroken. They said she has weeks-months, although I can’t believe she will live months and I’m tired of having faith. I don’t want to go on without her. 

[MartyT]

I surely do hope that you have a palliative care team involved to support your mom (and you) through this ordeal, dear one. I'm so very sorry this is happening to both of you . . . ♥️

[kayc]

@MamasGirl59  I am so sorry.  One of my lifelong friends (also named Kay and my age) passed about three years ago from cancer...she found out she had it two weeks before she died.  She had just become a grandma, hadn't even gotten to retire yet!  I feel what you're saying, it's what we are feeling about Kay.
I don't know that someone "chooses" to take one and leave another, I don't see it like that, but rather life/death seems rather random to me.  Sure I believe God is all knowing and seeing, but for reasons beyond me doesn't always intervene...I guess someday we'll have answers but I probably wouldn't get it if He could explain it to me somehow.  By the time we have those answers, we'll all be reunited and all will be a moot point, all of the suffering and hardship will be past and we'll be together forever!  That's what gives me hope.  I know not everyone ascribes to that belief and that is okay too.    Try not to worry about what all this has done to your faith...to be quite honest, that is a side effect of grief...it shakes us to the core, our beliefs, faith, everything with it.  We do questioning and feel there's no answers...where IS God when we're going through all of this?  I learned much later on that He was carrying me when I couldn't see it...I was in a grief fog and all I could see was my grief.  It helps to just try to get through today.  Try not to think about "the rest of your life" but get through this hour, this minute, that's enough.  And breathe.  Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for help if you have anxiety or trouble sleeping.  It doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're human and sometimes (ESPECIALLY WHEN GRIEVING) we need help.  Having a newborn might make finding a Rx more challenging, but lavender is calming so there's that.

Try to enjoy each moment with your baby.  I loved this poem when mine were little.  So true!   Meanwhile, I hope you'll continue to come here, we have listening ears and caring hearts.  (((hugs)))

Can you see your mom yet?  I hope they can bring her home with care or somewhere you can visit her, esp. with her grandbaby!

[MamasGirl59]

Hi @kayc - thank you for the kind words. 
 

My mom comes home tomorrow with hospice. I don’t know how long she’ll last. I hope it is for a little. I have been through this before with my Grandma 3 years ago. I was the one with her when she took her last breath in hospice (my mom was just minutes away). I can’t believe I have to relive this with my own mother.

After my father passed, I always wondered if it would be harder knowing a loved one was going to die, or if sudden death was easier. I can say they are both devastating. 
 

I feel like a horrible mom right now, I can barely keep it together around my 3 month old and he can sense it because he has been crying a lot more with me lately, and when his dad gets home, he takes care of him the rest of the night, because I can’t deal. 
 

The 3 of us are going to move into her house while she is here so hopefully she will get some more time with him. We even put up the Christmas tree because it is my mom’s favorite time of year. 
 

[Kieron]

Hello, I'm sorry to hear about this situation.  ☹️  For whatever it is worth, I think the idea of the Christmas tree is lovely and seems like possibly the one thing you have some control over, in a situation that it seems is out of your power to control.  Everyone needs to feel like they have agency, or power to act, in at least small ways in their life.  That's why this pandemic time is so demoralizing, because we have no real say about a virus, and no defined end-point for when things return to normal. 

I hope you will feel able to give yourself a bit of grace, as a new mom, because you seem to be standing in the balancing point: there's one whose life is just beginning and one whose life seems approaching its end, and you are in between and love them both.  I'm sure that feels like a lot of pressure!  It's a little like the fulcrum of a see-saw.  Remember how it was to stand in the midpoint of the see-saw and waver and wobble as you tried to keep balance?  Maybe it's a little like that, right now.  I hope that analogy makes sense, and wish you some measure of peace in these days.

[kayc]

10 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I can say they are both devastating. 

You are so right, either way has a suffering grief all it's own.  I hope this time with her will be special, even though it's very hard.  I'll be praying for you, I've been through this as a caregiver, my sweet MIL was my best friend and the mom I'd always wanted, she was bedridden with cancer for three years, I took care of her daytime, dad (my FIL) at night.  I can't describe that time but it was both very special and one of the hardest things I've been through...the hardest part was seeing her suffer bit by bit as cancer ravaged her.  They had thought she'd last two weeks, not three years!  Highly unusual.
Kieron is right so important to try to keep balance, I also had a baby and toddler when we began that journey.  Sometimes no matter how much you give of yourself you feel like it's never enough...it has to be, it's all we have.  I hope you'll use this place as an outlet to pour your feelings out...we'll continue to be here for you, listening, caring.

That is so sweet of you (Christmas tree)!  My MIL wanted to be in her home so we came to her every day, but because dad had the night shift, we didn't move in, just spent all day at her place...sometimes getting home at 11 pm.  My husband would bring the kids home and get them to bed sooner.