Resentment Building Up?

[MamasGirl59]

I just lost my mother a week and two days ago. Best friend, best woman, had her flaws, but so extremely caring and selfless for her family (Including my husband). She spoiled him, loved him so much and treated him like her own. My relationship with his family, specifically his mother, has been rocky since our wedding and I saw her manipulative/controlling ways come out. I also found out how much control she had over my husband. We almost didn’t get married because of it. 
 

I had anger towards her before I found out my mother was dying, and now I feel it’s worse. She almost ruined my wedding. She didn’t show up for the after party the next day when my mom went and got a ton of food for a party.  She didn’t reach out to me until a month after my son was born to see how I was doing. She didn’t reach out to me when she found out my mom was coming home on hospice and finally text me on the day she died. I was hurt each time and told my husband, to which he would reply that he is not his mother and can’t control what she does. Didn’t care that she hurt my feelings. But when I say anything towards his mother, he gets super defensive and it turns into a fight 😔

She is very self-centered kind of woman, million selfies of herself on social media and how “blessed” her life is. Never helped my husband and I out like my mom did. Very shallow. Looks are everything to that woman. My mom was the opposite. 
 

So I’ve already had ill feelings towards his mom, and I feel they are being amplified now that my mom is not here. Especially because she keeps wanting to see the baby. Now is not the time or place for you to be coming to see my son. I’m grieving and you want to come to the house you were too good to come to last year and see my baby. It’s not the time or the place. It’s putting a great strain on my husband and I’s relationship.... but it hurts me his mom can be hurtful towards me and I have to just be ok with it. I’m not. And I don’t want her to have my son. She doesn’t deserve to be with him in my eyes... but I know this hurts my husband. 
 

Why does she get to be so hurtful and selfish and now I’m supposed to surrender my son to her? It hurts worse now that my mom isn’t here. I don’t want to see her with my son, doing what my mom would have done better. She doesn’t deserve to be with him when she’s done nothing but treat me and my mother poorly. 

[kayc]

@MamasGirl59  My heart feels your pain as I read you account.  I am so sorry.  I can relate...I had a wonderful MIL, she was the mom I always wanted, it was my MOM who was the "challenge."  I took care of my MIL, who was also my best friend, for three years while she was bedridden with cancer, it was a very special and yet very hard time, as anyone who has been caregiver for a close family member can relate.  I took my kids to see my mom often, but never left them alone with her because she was very abusive and controlling while I was growing up and would have continued had I not learn to set boundaries.  (I highly recommend Boundaries book!)  My mom didn't "deserve" a relationship with any of us, let alone seeing our kids, yet I tried to take the upper road, with limitations, of course.  

It sounds like your MIL is shallow and seemingly incapable of being more than she is in her own strength.  I'm sure your husband feels "in the middle" and does not know how to respond in such a way as to validate your feelings without feeling like he's throwing his mom under the bus.  One of the things I've learned over the years is to "do the right thing" regardless of who/how they are, this means standing up to people when they are crossing the line, drawing boundaries and letting them own the consequences.  I also come back with second chances and forgiveness, but forgiveness does not mean being walked on and letting them ""do it again."  I've learned not to expect much from incapable people.  You had your mom as a great example and it was natural for you to expect your MIL to be the same...but she's not.  The loss is truly hers, only she won't likely see that.  People like that are often blinded.  Maybe set a token amount of time you're willing to tolerate her and stay at that.  With my own mom, each of us kids learned to do "what we could do" and sometimes that was only five minutes!  We always supported each other in how we handled it even though we varied over the years with what that was.  I hope your husband can learn to see your point of view not as an attack on his mother, but to validate your feelings and realize your example was vastly different than his own.  Perhaps she has had a controlling effect upon him?  I was in my 40s before I learned how to deal with my mom, I credit not only Boundaries, but Toxic Parents, Emotional Blackmail, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (my dad).   Wonderful eyeopeners!  (Also Al-Anon).

I would allow her short visits with your son (an afternoon in which you are present?) maybe once a month, but nothing out of your sight if you feel she would harm him, and that means psychologically as well as merely physically.  

I have gone through much of what you describe only from my DIL, I continue to make effort regarding her as I do not want to cause undue stress to my son and she holds the reins to my seeing my grandkids.  It was very hard for me but I've had to accept we'll likely never be "friends" or agree as she is one of the most self-centered people our family has ever known, but be that as it may, she's here to stay...my dreams of having a relationship with a DIL like I had with my MIL are gone, but I shoot for tolerance where closeness cannot abound.  I treat her with respect, which is more than I can say for her...she has been mean and attacking, not recognizing my grief, no amenities, nothing.  She tries to use people and thinks only of what she wants.  A sorry example for my grandkids.  I don't know how the future will play out, I can only deal with right now. 

I wish you well, I know this is a very tough situation.  We can't control others or whether or not they change, only what we are willing to tolerate and how.

[MamasGirl59]

@kayc thank you so much for the reply. I have read your story many times and my heart goes out to you. It’s a hard thing to watch someone you love slip away from this earth 💔 I think my emotions are getting the best of me. She would never harm him, I just don’t have a good relationship with her. I know I can’t keep my son from her just because I think she is a crappy person. She has absolute control over my husband and it just sucks, especially now. I feel like it’s me vs them, and my husband isn’t on my side. That’s a lonely feeling especially after just losing my mother! You are a strong woman, and I appreciate your advice and kind words. I wish you well also and hope things look up for the both of us! 

[Kieron]

Kay has the Voice of Experience here.  🙂   Have you considered using "I statements" when discussing his mother with him?  If you're not familiar with them, I-statements are stating how you yourself feel about the situation, the person, the behavior.  "It bothers me when I see this happening..."  "I am hurt when you say these things..." "I feel attacked when you say/do/act like this" or "I don't like how this situation is evolving."  By avoiding starting out with "You..." you can thereby avoid putting the person immediately on the defensive, like so: "You always/you never/you do this/you don't do this" etc.

And in any case, it's tough for a man to be in the middle of two people he loves, in different ways.

[kayc]

II really hope you'll read Boundaries, we all have someone in our life we've had to learn to apply this to!  It takes the pressure off of you so you don't feel so pressured/stressed...let her own her own consequences.  State what  you can live with even if it's her seeing him once a month for a set period of time but then no more.  Tell her you can't do it any more than that, you owe her no explanation.  I know this is annoying!  The trick is to lessen how annoying. 

Kieron's input is good, this is a person who is educated in the field!  

[MamasGirl59]

@Kieron I am pretty good at making I statements, but in this case I have just been saying “your mother/family hurt my feelings by doing this”. Maybe that is phrased wrong, but it’s the truth! I know he loves his mother and family very deeply, which was one of the things that drew me to him! I just didn’t realize she/they had absolute control over him and that he can never stand up to her or that she can say or do no wrong. There are plenty of times I had to stand up to my mother, and I did! She didn’t love me any less nor I her, but I didn’t fear my mom like he fears his mom. I feel like he thinks if he stands up to her, she won’t love him anymore. It’s weird! Any who, thank you for the advice. I will try to phrase things less attacking. I can’t believe I even have to waste my already depleted energy on this kind of stuff, during this time 😔

 

@kayc I started reading a free sample so maybe I will. I feel I am capable of setting boundaries, it’s my husband not so much...  It’s when I try to set boundaries and explain why, that it blows up in my face and turns into a fight. Maybe I can get him to read the book! 🙃 

[kayc]

I think for him to be receptive he'd have to see the NEED for boundaries, have some sense of dissatisfaction for how things are...I don't think that's something someone else can do for him or cause him to realize, at least I don't know how.  Much of his response to her is undoubtedly due to how he was raised, without him realizing it.  I was in my mid-40s before I learned how to deal with my mom although all of us kids knew long before that her controlling abusive ways were not right.  We shared our books with each other and once we learned how to deal with her in a way that was effective for us, it helped our frustration levels a lot.  

21 hours ago, MamasGirl59 said:

I feel like he thinks if he stands up to her, she won’t love him anymore.

Emotional Blackmail would help a LOT!  As would Toxic Parents.

[MamasGirl59]

@MartyT & @kayc I have been searching the site for info/threads about relationship problems after a loss and during grieving. I know I have seen it discussed here before but my search attempts didn’t find what I needed. I feel like I have nothing left to give to my relationship right now and a lot of anger is coming up as well. This anger was there prior to the grief but now feels stronger 😔 Any help or direction is appreciated. 

[MartyT]

I'm not sure what discussion you're looking for, but I can tell you this: If a marriage is strong to begin with and the partners are already supportive of each other, a death in the family and the grief that follows can strengthen their relationship and bring the couple even closer together. But if a couple is already struggling with unresolved issues in their marriage, I can assure you that the stress of grief only adds to the struggle, and may even make things worse. You said earlier in this thread that your relationship with your mother-in-law "has been rocky from the beginning," you saw how much control she had over your husband and you almost didn't get married because of it. Those sound like big red warning flags to me. And as you say, the anger that's coming to the surface now has been there all along ~ but the grief you're feeling in the wake of your mother's death makes the anger feel even stronger now. I cannot tell you what to do, my dear, but given what you describe, without some sort of professional intervention with a qualified marriage counselor, I don't see how your marriage can survive ~ and you need to decide even if you want it to survive.

  

[Kieron]

I agree with Marty, and I hope you can find someone in your area to talk it over with, even if only by telephone or video chat.  What you're describing is corrosive to your mental health, on top of being a new parent.  You've got to get the feelings out so you can examine them critically and have someone who is neutral and objective examine them with you.  That person can sometimes help you see a new perspective, because we all have blind spots.  Often, this kind of thing becomes an echo chamber where all you can see/hear are your own thoughts.  Having someone else's input will help you gain perspective. 

[kayc]

I wholeheartedly agree with Marty!  You don't need an article to validate what you already know deep down inside.  I know you can't make a person change, but if he wants to have a good marriage where the both of you can raise your child to adulthood together, it's important for the both of you to work on making it the best it can be...and that means working together as a united front for his mom and for your child.

I want to add, you're not likely to change your MIL...nor is he, only what you will/won't allow.  But it's important to maintain a base level of relationship with her for your husband and child's sake, protecting your child always and foremost.  It does not mean she will ever be the ideal grandparent but I know this to be true from my experience with my own mom who was mental/abusive/controlling.  I never left my kids alone with her and stood my ground with her but did allow them short periods of time with her when she behaved within my boundaries.  BOUNDARIES is what it's all about, knowing where to draw them and adhering to them, letting the other person own their consequences rather than you having to be the heavy.  And UNITED FRONT equally important.  Preferably coming from him but if not, then you step up to do it.  

[MamasGirl59]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the different perspectives. That post was off topic from my first about my MIL. I thought I had read a few threads about how it can be difficult being in/maintaining a relationship after a loss and grieving. 

I’m so sad all the time and I feel empty and broken. He tries to be supportive sometimes but isn’t very good with these kinds of things, and just changes the subject, so it makes me feel even more alone. 💔 

 

[Kieron]

It's a guy thing.  We aren't exactly encouraged to discuss feelings and emotions, especially not when growing up.  Some men are good at connecting on an emotional level and some are not.  Same goes for women, although they probably get more practice or encouragement, or social pressure to do so. 

[MamasGirl59]

I know, I guess I just miss that comforting feeling only a mother or father can give 😕❤️

[kayc]

I know, it's been years since I've had that, sometimes we feel so "on our own."