I can’t cope with dad’s terminal cancer

[Katelemon]

My wonderful, handsome, kindest 70 year old dad has terminal cancer and I can’t cope.

He started experiencing belly aches in January and it took until March for him to be diagnosed with colon cancer, until June to have his colon removed, and until September to start chemo.

By the time he started chemo, he had full blown peritoneal carcinoma and lung and liver metastases.

I’m angry at the doctors for taking so long to diagnose and start treating him, and I’m angry at myself for not taking better care of him.

I had been working overseas for many years and only visiting for holidays. He did not want me to worry and tried to hide that he was sick. I left everything to move back home and take care of him 2.5 months ago but now it’s too late. He’s lost almost 50 lbs. He was already thin. His nose is dripping endlessly, he’s in pain, he sleeps all days, he’s having trouble eating and sleeping. He’s just so tired and frail.

I cheer him up and tell him all day that he’s gonna make it, but I spend all my nights crying alone in bed. I never imagined that I could feel so much pain, sadness and despair. I Can’t imagine losing him and I suffer physically. I feel as if my heart might burst. 

I cry for the times we could have spent together during all those years I was studying and working overseas, I cry for the many more years of happiness he could have had, I cry because he’s the kindest, most generous man and never deserved any of this, I cry because I should have insisted more that he should have his health checked regularly, I cry because I feel that if I had come home sooner I could have gotten him better healthcare and his cancer could have been cured.

I do everything around the house and I very much feel like I’m keeping him alive right now. I’m an only child, my parents are divorced, and he only has me. I feel so much grief and on bad days when he’s not doing well I get tremendous anxiety. We are in the middle of the country side and I’m afraid that if I leave the house to go anywhere he might get unwell and I might not be here to support.

Please help me. I don’t know how to cope or where to turn. I can’t accept that he’s gonna leave me. I can’t forgive myself either, I just feel so, so, so sad, and I cry rivers of tears.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry to learn of your dad's serious illness, and sorry too that you are shouldering all the blame, as you hold yourself entirely responsible for all of this. Have you considered getting your dad onto a hospice service? If his cancer is terminal, he certainly is eligible for hospice care, and you need and deserve all the support such a service can offer, not only for your dad but for you as well. This is way too much for you to be managing all by yourself. Help is out there, and I urge you to discuss and investigate your options with your dad's primary care physician. All you need is for his physician to certify that he qualifies for hospice care. I hope you will get such a referral as soon as possible!

[Katelemon]

Thank you very much for your reply MartyT. My dad wants to stay in his house, and I don’t have the heart to have him put into a hospice. I also feel that taking care of him in his home is the least I can do after living overseas for all these years. I do actually feel some gratitude for being able to fo this for him. It is the grief, seeing the daily deterioration and the fear of losing him that I can’t cope with :(

[Kieron]

Hello, Marty will explain more soon, I'm sure, but hospice can be done at home!  Like you, I didn't know that, and I wish I had known sooner.  I thought hospice was a place a person goes to when they are dying.  It can be at a hospital, yes, but mostly it is at home where the person is most comfortable, where family and friends can drop by.  If nothing else, setting up hospice will take some of the burden off of you so you can spend more time sitting with your dad, enjoying one another's company.

[MartyT]

The services provided will vary with whatever hospice service is chosen, but Kieron is right in that hospice is a philosophy of care, not a place, and many hospices offer care in the patient's home. You can Google the word to find various definitions, but I also invite you to read the following:

How Do You Know When to Contact Hospice?

Hospice Journey: Free Web Sites for Patients and Their Families

I also hope you'll take some time to read Anticipatory Grief and Mourning, including many of the related articles listed at the base. ♥️

[kayc]

I am so sorry you are going through this.  My closest sister's husband of 50 years is also going through this, was just diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and it has already metastasized and they expect him to die this week as he's bleeding internally, they said no more blood transfusions.  My sister is disabled (he took care of her) and doesn't drive so he's in a hospice home, which is different than hospice in general...I've dealt with hospice before and they're wonderful and come into the home, but Peggy can't help him up or anything so she chose to have him placed in the hospice home, which is $350/day...she's on retirement and can't afford this but since they think the end is so near, she chose this anyway.  I'm sure there are less expensive options available.  I can't sing the praises enough of hospice, and do hope you contact them, I've used their services when my other sister was dying and also the three years I cared for my bedridden MIL when she was dying of cancer.  They were angels, imo.

[jc1030]

@Katelemon, so sorry you're going through this and I feel for you and what you're dealing with.  I'm also an only child and I was the only help my mom had during her cancer battle.  I understand how physically and emotionally draining it is to have to deal with this especially during the time of the coronavirus.

I don't really have much else to add to what everyone else has said other than I agree about looking into the palliative/hospice route.  After my mom's final hospital visit I made the painful decision to switch her to hospice care at home.  She only lived a few more days afterwards, and even though we weren't able to take full advantage of what hospice could offer, the nurses and staff were some of the most wonderful and compassionate people I've dealt with, and they had social workers, chaplains and grief counselors who I could always contact and speak to.  Hopefully there will be hospice organizations just as good where you live.

Jeff