loss of husband Why do I feel empty?

[KnVsMoM]

Hello All,

 I've posted in another section about the loss of my husband of almost 20 years, suddenly, on the 26th of September. I know everyone grieves differently, and at their own pace, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm mentally blocking his death?

I have no real friends, just some aquaintances on social media sites, & no real support from my family, and absolute zero from his. The only thing that really connects me to the outside world are the few online support groups I'm part of and listening to various podcasts. I don't want to go out because it just magnifies the loss and I don't feel up to dealing with people either. My husband was everything to me, friend, soul mate, support system, confident, & helpmate. I love him and miss him terribly. However I have shed very few tears over his loss. No, I'm not happy, there's no joy in my life any longer, but I just feel empty on the inside, like I'm the one who died. There is no feeling one way or the other. I've always been a person who had vivid dreams, many that I remembered and if they were intense, they would affect my mood for the rest of that day. Since he passed away I've had no dreams of anything, but especially not of him and that hurts. I've hoped for some kind of sign and have gotten nothing. I sit here, surrounded by his things, looking at his memorial box with his cremains inside, yet no tears.

What is wrong with me? His death is something I will never get over, but am I just going to go through the rest of my life with this empty, numb, feeling? I feel guilty, like he didn't mean that much to me since I'm not crying over his loss. I just don't know what to think?

Sorry for the long post, but I really am lost without him, even though to those who know me think I'm already "getting over him & moving on with my life".

[Kieron]

I don't think there's a single thing "wrong with" you.  You feel empty because your everything is gone.  I think it's common to feel this numbness and emptiness in the wake of such a profound loss.  It may last a long time yet.  Almost 4 years on, I still feel it daily, but to a lesser degree.  For you, being barely 2 months into this journey, I would guess the shock is still very much present, which would contribute to the intensity.  It's possible this intensity has temporarily left you so stunned that reaching the point where the tears come to the surface has been rendered difficult.  I don't know... maybe someone else has had a similar experience.  In any case, please allow yourself all the time and the grace you need to confront the magnitude of the loss.  It will take considerable time, I'm afraid.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Kieron said:

I don't know... maybe someone else has had a similar experience.  In any case, please allow yourself all the time and the grace you need to confront the magnitude of the loss.

I agree, and I don't think there is anything wrong with you either. It takes a while for the initial shock of loss to wear off, because the enormity of it may be too much to take in all at once. It can be nature's way of cushioning the blow. See, for example, Widow Asks: Why Can't I Cry? and Finding Crying Time in Grief  ❤️

[nashreed]

 

I'm so very sorry. 

It's been 6 months since my wife passed, and I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat. No friends, and my family are very emotionally closed off (her family has been very kind) and I don't have anybody to talk to about my grief (except for the good people here). I haven't felt like I really have cried for her, and I feel terrible about it. She was worth crying over and yet, aside from tears of rage and frustration, I haven't been able to or allow myself to just cry for her- cry because she deserves to be mourned. I don't know- at first I thought I was just cold and emotionless. Now I am actively trying not to think about her that much because I'm afraid I will cry and won't be able to stop. I definitely feel like I died too, and I'm a ghost. I wish I could link up with her on the same plane so I could be with her. I have no fear of death now, and I can't wait to be with her again. 

[kayc]

23 hours ago, KnVsMoM said:

am I just going to go through the rest of my life with this empty, numb, feeling?

No.  I will tell you the same thing I told a good friend of mine, she'd lost her husband of over 50 years and several years later, she still has not cried.  Tears are not a measure of loss, missing them, love.  Tears can be a release but not everyone responds in this way.  As long as no one is squelching their tears, there IS no problem, we don't need to hold them in but neither should we be concerned if we don't cry.  There is NOTHING wrong with you, you are grieving!  It hasn't even been two months, I was still in shock at two months.  ALL of our friends ditched me when he died, so "having people" in my life didn't do me much good at that time!  I went on to make a close friend, for ten years, then she moved to another state...I have not found a replacement at all.  Instead I make the best I can of this hard situation.  It took me years to process his death, years more to find purpose, years more yet to build a life I can live.  Then COVID kind of shot it to hell.  I think most of us are barely hanging on this year.  

My husband was also my best friend and soulmate, he was everything to me!  We didn't need anyone else, truly, because we had each other...he was barely 51 when he died, I didn't expect it, was ill-prepared for it.  You are doing well just to remember to breathe!  Let alone eat something & drink some water.  This is the single hardest thing I've encountered in my life, nothing compares to it, but somehow here I am 15 1/2 years later, I don't know how.  I don't want to live into my 90s, I really don't, but with my family history I'm liable to.  I take one day at a time.  One day!  And the next day I get up and do it all over again.  I don't mean to make it sound like groundhog day, it's not, I've learned to look for something good in each day...some days that's a stretch to find, anything qualifies, nothing too insignificant or trivial to count.  My heart goes out to you and all who are suffering with grief.  This is why I remain here after all of these years, I want to be here for others just as people were there for me.  I have learned so much from Marty over these years, I continue to learn.

I hope you will continue to post your feelings, we get it, we really do.

[KnVsMoM]

I don't know how you've done it kayc, my hats off to you, even though I know your road has been a long and lonely one.
I know it's wrong, but situations like yours makes me question God's plan. He knows you love your husband heart and soul, yet He called him home and you have been alone without your soulmate for so long. Why would a loving, just, God do that? Just me thinking out loud I suppose.

I won't pray for your demise, but I do hope God doesn't keep you here into your 90's without the love of your life. In the meantime, I have met a few in my time, I believe Angels walk among us, & I think very much so you are one.

God bless you & know you are appreciated.

[nashreed]

Kay, you really are an inspiration to me as well. I really don't know how you do it- finding a purpose and being here for all us lost people on this forum. You are truly an angel. 

I don't take care of myself, and I know Annette would want me to. I don't drink water- it's Diet Mountain Dew because I need something to enjoy in my sad existence. I truly don't think I would fight if I got COVID. I'm not being stupid and I do everything I'm supposed to, but there's only so much you can do when I make the minimum stops for essentials and there's still idiots not wearing masks in the Walgreens and nobody says jack to 'em. 

In a post-COVID world there should be a housing community just for widows and widowers in every city, so we don't have to be alone and friendless. 

[kayc]

Yesterday was a very hard day.  A neighbor was supposed to come show me how to use my new generator.  Another neighbor was supposed to get firewood on my patio.  Neither showed or called.  I got 1/2 wheelbarrow load up on my patio myself.  Will manage somehow.  

You say you question God's plan.  I don't, I may not understand it, but it's the one thing I have left, believing in His Sovereignty, knowing that in the end all will work out for His purpose.  I know that's extremely hard to see in the early times when we are thick in the throes of grief, I have relied on my faith over the years, and it's carried me.  Sometimes I think that's all that I truly have, esp. when things are stripped from you.

My puppy is my joy and incentive!  For him I want to live through the end of his life, to take care of him...he can live to 16, which takes me to age 83, after that, I can go anytime.  I don't want him to be gypped or re-homed, I want to live to take care of him.  I didn't start taking care of myself until this year...the timing couldn't have been more perfect.  With COVID & elections & protests/rioting, the world feels out of control.  My health is the one thing I'm able to have a say in and control to some degree.  That feels good.  I do understand your wanting to have something to enjoy, that's how I feel about my morning coffee.  Perhaps someday I'll give it up, but right now I enjoy it immensely, esp. as I'm learning to live without so many favorite foods/carbs.  Sometimes I think we have to weigh the balance of our choices...do they help us or hurt us?  For me, my morning coffee is soothing.  For you it's diet Mountain Dew.  George (iPraiseHim) has learned to make his own soda to his liking, not sure how, but it's been an answer for him, but then he's a whole lot smarter than I am!  Maybe he'll weigh in on this...

My neighbors are wonderful, I love this community, I know they are caring.  But you both know as well as I do that no one is a substitute for the one that lived with us, left the garage light on, was there to rub your feet at the end of the day, the one that the two of you poured your hearts out to each other.  When we turn out our lights, we are alone, except in the still quiet of the night, I know God is there listening, and maybe, just maybe, my George can hear me...

[nashreed]

I do believe that Annette is in Heaven. That's the one thing I've always been sure of. She had faith and seemed to know exactly what His plan was. I always used to believe things happen for a reason and things always seemed to work out. It's just so hard to reconcile that with the pain and suffering she had. Why was life so unfair to her? I can only believe God was merciful in taking Annette home, but where does that leave me? 

Annette always had trust issues, always had people let her down in life. I tried to be the exception and was there for her as best I could, until that night six months ago when I should have woken up, because I always used to instinctively wake up when her blood sugar was low. I still question why I didn't wake up and save her. I accept it now because I have to. 

[kayc]

Why is the one question we all have had but never had any answers to, not sure it'd help to get one.  It's not something we can understand.  I've learned to quit asking.  Instead I try to focus on what I can do now...back to one day at a time, the whole "rest of my life" looms too large for me to take on, I just do today.  These are questions we all feel with you but no answers...