Girlfriend broke things off during grief

[BaxterBurg]

Today I met a girl that my friend seems to want to try and set me up with. She was cute, but I already know I could never see a future with her. She's not even close to what my ex was.

[Rae1991]

On 2/18/2021 at 10:17 AM, kayc said:

Try not to be so hard on yourself.  Did it ever occur to you that she just isn't the one for you!  When George and I met and became friends, we eventually fell in love, the attraction was there inside and out and neither of us could picture life without the other!  That IS how it should be going into marriage!  That love carries you through the hard times. 

I second this wholeheartedly. I understand it's really hard not to take such rejection personally, but at some point, you have to accept she just isn't right for you. It took me over a year to feel fully ready, emotionally, to move forward from Joe. I tried to rush it by going on dates and being set up by friends. It just made me feel empty and worse off because all I did was compare them to him, never giving them a fair chance, because I wasn't ready and didn't want to date again, I did because I assumed it's just what everyone did.

These days, I would rather be friends first and then engage in dating if we both wanted to, but that does not mean I am going to close myself off to other potential suitors/living my life to wait around for one guy. There is a guy I do like now, but I am perfectly fine just being friends as he has some life things he needs to deal with that I do not want cast unto me, and we are both busy with our lives, and I do not want to get my hopes up or assume things between us. If we choose to only remain friends as time passes, that's okay too.

8 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Today I met a girl that my friend seems to want to try and set me up with. She was cute, but I already know I could never see a future with her. She's not even close to what my ex was.

Then don't bother with dating, and politely decline any invitation for the time being. It's not fair to her to be compared to someone who she will never be and to be given false hope that there is any potential between the two of you for more than casual friendship. If you're not ready to date again, or even just engage on a friendly level, don't. Don't rush yourself with things like this, you will find someone when you are ready to, regardless of your friends trying to set you up, ultimately, the choice to engage with these potential dates is yours and yours alone. Be kind to yourself the way you are to others. Everyone deserves kindness, including ourselves.

😊 Rae

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, Rae1991 said:

second this wholeheartedly. I understand it's really hard not to take such rejection personally, but at some point, you have to accept she just isn't right for you. It took me over a year to feel fully ready, emotionally, to move forward from Joe. I tried to rush it by going on dates and being set up by friends. It just made me feel empty and worse off because all I did was compare them to him, never giving them a fair chance, because I wasn't ready and didn't want to date again, I did because I assumed it's just what everyone did.

These days, I would rather be friends first and then engage in dating if we both wanted to, but that does not mean I am going to close myself off to other potential suitors/living my life to wait around for one guy. There is a guy I do like now, but I am perfectly fine just being friends as he has some life things he needs to deal with that I do not want cast unto me, and we are both busy with our lives, and I do not want to get my hopes up or assume things between us. If we choose to only remain friends as time passes, that's okay too

Thanks Rae, appreciate the response. I guess I do just have to accept it as that, although it will probably always linger. I for sure don't feel ready at all to date again; I find it difficult to even find people attractive anymore. I just can't get over this fear I have though, and it drives me into obsessing over finding someone soon. 

In terms of being friends first, I very much agree. I feel like this establishes a pretty good foundation without committing yet. Her and I should have remained friends until everything had passed. 

1 hour ago, Rae1991 said:

Then don't bother with dating, and politely decline any invitation for the time being. It's not fair to her to be compared to someone who she will never be and to be given false hope that there is any potential between the two of you for more than casual friendship. If you're not ready to date again, or even just engage on a friendly level, don't. Don't rush yourself with things like this, you will find someone when you are ready to, regardless of your friends trying to set you up, ultimately, the choice to engage with these potential dates is yours and yours alone. Be kind to yourself the way you are to others. Everyone deserves kindness, including ourselves

Wasn't planning on it,and I told him I wasn't interested at the moment. Really feels like I have nothing to give someone even if they were perfect. Just feel tired and I can't find a break yet because of school/work. I wish I could just sleep for a month. So exhausted still from these 3 months; I've never felt so burnt out. 

[kayc]

18 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I told him I wasn't interested at the moment.

This.  It's good to know what you're feeling and it does not sound like you're ready.  Timing is everything.  I did not meet George until my mid-40s.  By that time I'd 1) married a monster and barely escaped with my life.  2)Then married my kids dad, spent 23 years in a loveless cold marriage, he'd tried controlling us and a lot of emotional abuse.  I didn't know true love until I found it with George!  We "got" each other, related to each other, were comfortable with each other, had great love and respect for each other.  It's like there was him and me...and the rest of the world.  Then I lost him to death.  Is there such a thing as two soul mates in one lifetime?  Good question, some weigh in yes, some no.  The yes-ers have found love again after loss to death, the no-ers have not.  One can never rule it out, even with the first time...if you can't see it, it's because it hasn't happened for you YET.  Keep your heart open for the time when it's right, when you're ready, when the stars line up or however you want to call it!

[BaxterBurg]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

This.  It's good to know what you're feeling and it does not sound like you're ready.  Timing is everything.  I did not meet George until my mid-40s.  By that time I'd 1) married a monster and barely escaped with my life.  2)Then married my kids dad, spent 23 years in a loveless cold marriage, he'd tried controlling us and a lot of emotional abuse.  I didn't know true love until I found it with George!  We "got" each other, related to each other, were comfortable with each other, had great love and respect for each other.  It's like there was him and me...and the rest of the world.  Then I lost him to death.  Is there such a thing as two soul mates in one lifetime?  Good question, some weigh in yes, some no.  The yes-ers have found love again after loss to death, the no-ers have not.  One can never rule it out, even with the first time...if you can't see it, it's because it hasn't happened for you YET.  Keep your heart open for the time when it's right, when you're ready, when the stars line up or however you want to call it!

I'm sorry you had to experience all that, it sounds awful. How you describe your love for George is how I genuinely felt with her before she went cold. It seemed she felt the same before, when we were just friends too. She was the only person I ever felt I had a connection and understanding with. We were moving fast, but we both seemed comfortable with it; we had plans to move out together soon. Everything just felt right. 

Personally I have no doubt there are multiple soul mates, it's just the path there is daunting, stressful, and filled with liars. And yes, you have to be open to love again to find it. You also have to be positive and healthy to attract someone else positive and healthy. 

[kayc]

Someone wants to start seeing me, he's years older and he might be okay for a friend (except he smokes and I can't be around it) but I so feel the "not interested" going strong...my heart already belongs to another and he's not here.

I think it's possible to have more than one soul mate possibility out there but I sure don't run into them!  It's harder the older you get, especially since I am NOT interested in dating on line or otherwise, I just hate it, I'd rather something develop naturally like it did George and I.  Friends first, take your time, get to know each other....take you time!  When we rush into things that's when we overlook things and by then our emotions are running high and we'd do anything to make it work, regardless of red flags or struggle or discomfort.  I'm not saying marriage is easy but for us it didn't FEEL like work!  We just naturally wanted to make the effort.  I was so lucky...

[BaxterBurg]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Someone wants to start seeing me, he's years older and he might be okay for a friend (except he smokes and I can't be around it) but I so feel the "not interested" going strong...my heart already belongs to another and he's not here.

I think it's possible to have more than one soul mate possibility out there but I sure don't run into them!  It's harder the older you get, especially since I am NOT interested in dating on line or otherwise, I just hate it, I'd rather something develop naturally like it did George and I.  Friends first, take your time, get to know each other....take you time!  When we rush into things that's when we overlook things and by then our emotions are running high and we'd do anything to make it work, regardless of red flags or struggle or discomfort.  I'm not saying marriage is easy but for us it didn't FEEL like work!  We just naturally wanted to make the effort.  I was so lucky...

I can for sure understand the difficulties being older and trying to date. And I agree about the friendship first, that's why I thought me and my ex would have worked out. I thought we had a strong foundation. I lost "feelings" for her too when the grief struck, but I never would have thought of breaking up with her. There was no "inner conflict" in my mind about being with her like she had for me. Hoping we both find someone that makes us feel interested again; I just hope I can fully forgive myself for this experience. 

[kayc]

I'm not interested in dating, nope, nada!  Friendship is fine.  There's one person I know that meets all my criteria, but unfortunately lives across the states from me, so there goes that.  But it's been so long now that I'm rather used to being alone, which has probably been a good thing for me, I've discovered so much about myself and developed confidence that God and I are a team and we'll get through this together, as long as I have to do this.  Gosh, I'll be 70 next year!

I think I told you quite a while ago that I had a friend who met the love of her life and married at age 84!  Those were the best years of her life.  So one can never say never, I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!

[BaxterBurg]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm not interested in dating, nope, nada!  Friendship is fine.  There's one person I know that meets all my criteria, but unfortunately lives across the states from me, so there goes that.  But it's been so long now that I'm rather used to being alone, which has probably been a good thing for me, I've discovered so much about myself and developed confidence that God and I are a team and we'll get through this together, as long as I have to do this.  Gosh, I'll be 70 next year!

I think I told you quite a while ago that I had a friend who met the love of her life and married at age 84!  Those were the best years of her life.  So one can never say never, I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!

I fully understand why you don't want to date. I'm not too interested in dating myself, just want the family. I'm glad that you're fine being alone, I felt the same way usually. The religion for sure helps, which is why I wish I grew up within a religion, I can see lots of value in it. To me it just feels like I'm alone even though I have family and friends; she felt like my only friend and the only person I felt comfortable being myself with. But then she rejected me for it so that stings.

And you did yeah, I guess there's lots of time to find someone. How did they even meet at that age?

[kayc]

I wasn't raised with religion, I chose Christianity because it's how I've always felt/believed.  My parents were atheists but both changed before they died.

I've raised my family or I probably would be feeling the same as you!  Don't give up hope, I neither hope nor despair, I figure God is perfectly capable of bringing it about if He wants it. 

Beth and Bob met in church, his wife died and he asked her out, the rest is history!  

[BaxterBurg]

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

I wasn't raised with religion, I chose Christianity because it's how I've always felt/believed.  My parents were atheists but both changed before they died.

I've raised my family or I probably would be feeling the same as you!  Don't give up hope, I neither hope nor despair, I figure God is perfectly capable of bringing it about if He wants it. 

Beth and Bob met in church, his wife died and he asked her out, the rest is history!  

hmm thats very interesting. What made your parents change if you don't mind me asking?

I'm considering going to church, even if its just for a sense of community among like minded people. I adhere to most of the teachings already, and in my worst moments I prayed--its like a wave of relief washed over me. However, I'm unsure if I could ever fully adopt faith; Something about it makes me uncomfortable, maybe because I know I'm lying to myself. Oh well, at least I'll be in the first circle of hell with a lot of cool people lol.

I think the reason I want a family so bad is because it offers me some sort of redemption for how hard life is. Without god or heaven, there isn't much reason to suffer everyday, and I think a lot of people feel the same way. Having my ex gave me that redemption because everything I suffered doing was for my future family.

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

Don't give up hope, I neither hope nor despair

Reminds of a quote that I like: "keep your mind in hell but do not despair" by Saint Silouan.

56 minutes ago, kayc said:

Beth and Bob met in church, his wife died and he asked her out, the rest is history

It's great they were able to have that experience so late in life.

[kayc]

My dad knew he was dying and made that decision, found out he'd been called to preach as a young person, not sure what happened.  I prayed for my them for years, but my mom made the conversion about a year after I did, I was 19.  I would have sooner but it took me a while to understand.

It is good to have that sense of community, I have it with my neighbors and my church.It's a good thing esp. in this time of isolation, esp. as I don't see my kids much and now my siblings excepting one.

Just don't expect any church to be perfect, they aren't, they're comprised of people!   Maybe look for one that believes similar to you, that's what I did.  I don't always agree 100% with everyone but that's okay too.  I do believe in my church' doctrine, that's why I picked it.  Not always with how it's run, but that's the way it is.  Organizations seem to be a necessary evil imo. 

 

[BaxterBurg]

26 minutes ago, kayc said:

My dad knew he was dying and made that decision, found out he'd been called to preach as a young person, not sure what happened.  I prayed for my them for years, but my mom made the conversion about a year after I did, I was 19.  I would have sooner but it took me a while to understand.

It is good to have that sense of community, I have it with my neighbors and my church.It's a good thing esp. in this time of isolation, esp. as I don't see my kids much and now my siblings excepting one.

Just don't expect any church to be perfect, they aren't, they're comprised of people!   Maybe look for one that believes similar to you, that's what I did.  I don't always agree 100% with everyone but that's okay too.  I do believe in my church' doctrine, that's why I picked it.  Not always with how it's run, but that's the way it is.  Organizations seem to be a necessary evil imo. 

 

That's interesting. And yeah, I kind of wish I had some community during all this. 

Thanks for the advice, I never much thought about it. A female friend of mine brought me to her church once, I didn't like it too much. It was non denominational and a bit too... Open is the word? Lots of performing rather than scripture, people dressed too casually, and there was something off putting about the people. It was strange to me to say the least. 

[kayc]

Nothing wrong with that but it's a preferential thing.  I have a book "Pathways to the Soul" that is really good, some people feel closer to God in nature (me), some in Liturgy...there were four in all, I can't remember the other two as it's been over 20 years since I read it.  I had a friend who liked Liturgy, she joined the Catholic Church, that's not me, but everyone is different, the important thing is finding where YOU are comfortable!  I remember once going into a church that had 7,000 attenders, 5,000 per Sunday, and I was shocked to see someone wearing a bathing suit!  The church I grew up in would have escorted them out!  I went to a small 20-30 congregation prior to this so it was a bit of a shock, but it had been highly pentecostal and some of the things I saw made me leave...the big church, for me, was a time of healing, also non-denominational in practice but I think they were four-square?  Faith Center in Eugene, led by Roy Hicks, he had a radio show.  It was NOT pretentious or showmanship, it was very real and authentic, I loved it, but when I moved here, I ended up in the same denomination I grew up in.  After many years of study and prayer, my beliefs differed from theirs and I switched to Baptist.  I don't always see eye to eye in application (they can get bogged down in stuff sometimes, it's ruled by men totally, that always bugged me, while they may be "over us" we were given a brain!  And sometimes the best person for a job IS a woman, to me it should be based on qualifications not just gender, but that's practically blasphemy in the Baptist Church!  I joke about a hymn "I shall not be moved" being Baptist, pun intended.  But I love the people, warts and all, and it's my home.  My George was baptized there and his funeral held there.  

[BaxterBurg]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

Nothing wrong with that but it's a preferential thing.  I have a book "Pathways to the Soul" that is really good, some people feel closer to God in nature (me), some in Liturgy...there were four in all, I can't remember the other two as it's been over 20 years since I read it.  I had a friend who liked Liturgy, she joined the Catholic Church, that's not me, but everyone is different, the important thing is finding where YOU are comfortable!  I remember once going into a church that had 7,000 attenders, 5,000 per Sunday, and I was shocked to see someone wearing a bathing suit!  The church I grew up in would have escorted them out!  I went to a small 20-30 congregation prior to this so it was a bit of a shock, but it had been highly pentecostal and some of the things I saw made me leave...the big church, for me, was a time of healing, also non-denominational in practice but I think they were four-square?  Faith Center in Eugene, led by Roy Hicks, he had a radio show.  It was NOT pretentious or showmanship, it was very real and authentic, I loved it, but when I moved here, I ended up in the same denomination I grew up in.  After many years of study and prayer, my beliefs differed from theirs and I switched to Baptist.  I don't always see eye to eye in application (they can get bogged down in stuff sometimes, it's ruled by men totally, that always bugged me, while they may be "over us" we were given a brain!  And sometimes the best person for a job IS a woman, to me it should be based on qualifications not just gender, but that's practically blasphemy in the Baptist Church!  I joke about a hymn "I shall not be moved" being Baptist, pun intended.  But I love the people, warts and all, and it's my home.  My George was baptized there and his funeral held there.  

Hmm all very interesting, but I am a bit lost on the denominations. I think I might pick up C.S. Lewis' book "Mere Christianity" to get a better understanding of everything. I have heard of Pentecostal, and I agree with you. I've also heard of Baptist, and can understand your disagreements. We don't have much of that stuff where I live. Did you study a lot about faith and Christianity? If I had an ideal I would want something on the traditional side of Catholicism (although I'm not big on papacy) or even Orthodox. It feels kind of like I'm "shopping" though, and it feels a bit inauthentic for me to be looking around, maybe just because I'm not fully into the faith. It would have been much easier to have been born in and just follow the family tradition instead of making my own.

However, there are some people who consider themselves Christian without believing in god. Seems like an obvious heresy, but the way they describe it is that the act of faith is what makes god real, plus they follow the doctrines. Just from my experience with prayer, that is more in line with what I would believe. I'll be honest, I'm pretty confused spiritually. I tried getting into variations of New Age stuff like "spiritual but not religious". At the end of the day these beliefs are just nihilism with a dress on and they don't offer any redemption, reassurance, values, or community. Just more melancholy and feelings of void.

[kayc]

Yes, I've studied it, we had a class on it in high school plus a church I was in did a study of different denominational beliefs, it was interesting.  I have been learning about it all my life.  Christianity is not something you are born into with your family, but rather a decision you take to accept Jesus as your personal savior.  There are a LOT of churchgoers who consider themselves "Christian" but are not.  It's not necessarily that they're deceptive but rather that they don't understand.  The difference between Nazarene (I went there nine years growing up and 23 years as an adult) and Baptist is Nazarenes believe you can lose your salvation, which can make it more legalistic in practice, whereas Baptist believe it's eternal salvation based on grace, provided by what Christ did rather than ourselves.  We're called to demonstrate our faith, but our salvation is actually grace-based, not of ourselves or what we can do or don't.  I've found a deeper appreciation for what God did as a result of comprehending His grace rather than when you worried you might step your toe over the line.    Personally, I think when you've accepted this grace and are living in Him you are better equipped to WANT to live your life for Him as we can't just go off our own way and expect that close fellowship with Him.  
It behooves us to search out and know what is right, and we could be learning the rest of our lives in so doing, but that's okay!

Yes I have found that to be true of new age too, one of my best friends is.  

[BaxterBurg]

Thought I might give an update to people on what happened in my situation in case they want to compare it to their own, or take from the lessons I've learned.

In short, somehow during covid my ex found someone new within a few months of us breaking up. Our meeting to discuss the relationship never happened, and she just kept brushing me off. This seems to be common from what I've read here; and there's not really much more to say. She seemed to be on the borderline of crying after seeing me in class, but I don't know the true reason for that; but she deleted me off all social media a few days later. It felt like another rejection.

Judging from her coldness still, I also don't think she cares about what I did for her at this point. No matter how much you do for someone, don't ever expect a similiar treatment in return.  If I face this situation again, I would go no contact immediately. Never stick with someone who is confused. And lastly, as can be told by the length of this thread, being worried about a relationship is completely okay. This is by far not something that is easy to deal with; its extremely painful. 

Sadly, I can't seem to escape my ex as of late, somehow she keeps managing to pop into my life, and I've found out I might have to work with her over summer. The wounds have re-opened a bit, and its just more evidence that you need no contact if you truly loved someone. I don't even want to be with her anymore, but the painful memories and feelings of rejection are awful. I really hope this is the last time I update this thread.

[kayc]

I'm sorry you're going through that.  My ex ended up taking in his XW, still together in all their dysfunction a few years later.  If a marriage doesn't work in 30 years and you've done nothing to change things, why would you think it'd be any better?  Co-dependency.  Oh well!  I'm sorry you guys will be working together...that's tough.