Girlfriend broke things off during grief

[BaxterBurg]

Hello everyone, per Cody's recommendation I decided to create my own thread.

My Ex lives with her parents and grandparents, and ever since we started dating (5 months ago) her grandfather's health had progressively worsened. On top of this, there was a sudden death of an aunt who she wasn't close to but was nevertheless impacting the family, as well as the uncle who sought comfort in them during his own grief. The taking care of the grandparents has also been very financially straining on the family. This is the first time in her life that she has ever dealt with death and severe life struggles as a whole, and it all happened at once on top of our exams and assignments.

Last month, as her grandfather's condition worsened, she became cold and distant with me; when I would ask her what was wrong, she never had an answer, and often wouldn't tell me much of her home life. She is the type to not want to complain about issues, or talk through things; sometimes i would be persistent, and she would tell me how she was feeling. She expressed she was numb and she cried all the time--it was very heartbreaking. Despite this, I remember a few times in the night where she messaged me that she missed me and loved me so much and wished I was there right now--she said she was scared.

Throughout this month however, she would often bring up doubts in the relationship, seemingly trying to push me away. Of course I became worried and constantly anxious, unable to sleep over this. On top of worrying about her every day, now i was worried about the relationship. But I helped her as much as I could: I got her through her school work, and did some of the group projects for her without confronting her--I did everything I could.

A week before her grandfather passed, she said we needed to talk. She said she had lost feelings for me and that it wasn't fair for her to pull me along. I asked her if this was personal or because the situation; she said she didn't know. I asked if I should move on or if she saw a future between us--again, she had no answer. Everything was very confusing, and I felt left in uncertainty.

We both stayed close friends, and talked a few times. I continued to help her with school work, and I also gave her some resources on grief and how it effects relationships--she read them all. She talked to her parents about it, and all she told me was that they said I was a good guy. She talked to friend about it as well. She appears to be trying to figure it out, which is a good sign.

Fast forward a week ago, and I told her we needed to clear up some uncertainty ( 3 weeks separated, 2 weeks after death). I told her I need to know our status as of now, and whether she saw a future. It might have been selfish, but the uncertainty was killing me and it felt like she was giving mixed signals. She said the same thing: she didn't have feelings for me right now, and doesn't know if its personal or because of the grief--that was impossible to distinguish for her and it just wasn't fair to string me along in case they don't come back. She was crying and said she couldn't handle a relationship right now, but that she did say there was no reason why she wouldn't want to be with me. She was a bit upset with me for pressuring her; she said that just because she seemed happy in our friend group, she was still deeply hurt over what had happened. But she soon came to understand how uncertain everything was for me, and we ended the call on good terms, even with some giggles here and there. This was over a video call, and if I'm being honest, she did not look well--it kind of scared me honestly. Anyways, we both agreed to meet in the future, be it 1, 2, 3 months, to talk about about the relationship again even if that just means closure. She said I would always be dear to her for all I did for her and her family, and I'm always welcome in her home.

I think I'm healing well so far, but I'm sure I'm holding onto hope and delaying some of the grieving I will feel if it doesn't work 

[kayc]

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and your GF/friend as well.  It does sound as if you're broken up and I would be honest with her that although you care very much about her and want to be there for her, it isn't fair to you to be in constant limbo either.  She can do what she wants to with that, she will regardless.  She is looking out for her best interests, you need to do the same for yourself.  One person cannot carry a relationship totally one sided indefinitely.  She is not giving you hope, she's given you mixed messages, talking out of both sides of her mouth.  To be fair to her, I don't think she means to.  She is grieving and there's a certain % of people that respond in their grief this way.  But even if you got through this intact, which odds are you will not judging from the hundreds of threads I've read in this section, you would continue to wonder the NEXT time someone died or some other calamity came along, if you would be given the boot again.  THAT is not fair to you.  You deserve and want someone who will go through thick and thin in life with, not someone who could throw you overboard all of a sudden through circumstances beyond your control.  

I recommend having no contact for a period of time before attempting "friendship" as you need time to heal and adjust to this relationship on different terms.  By constantly subjecting yourself to the pain of having her there but not as your GF, you will prolong the healing and these discussions will be likely to continue with the same cycle of her feeling guilty she can't be what she knows you want and you longing for something you can't have, the same mixed messages, it's not fair to either of you.  I know it's not what you want to hear and you could likely reject it as you're still in the trying to win her over phase, thinking if you're just patient long enough...but that will not do it.  I'm afraid that grief once again interfered in a relationship that seemed to be going well...that is, until it was something else that brought it to a head.  We can easily blame this on grief as it seems the apparent cause, but the truth is more likely that the two of you weren't doing as well as assumed, that there was a chink that was bound to surface sometime, and this did it.  Release yourself to be open for YOUR person, not one that will break up with you when life is tough.  Life is always tough, it's just a matter of time before it hits with something.

I wish you both well on your exams.  I realize this is a process and it may take you some time before you're ready for this realization, but I really am in your corner, and would love nothing more than to be wrong...but statistics speak to me, they tell me a story, and if you had the time to read each and every post in this section, you would see that story loud and clear.  As it is, you may have to go through the pain of this process before discovering it for yourself.  Either way, I'm here for you, will listen.  And believe me, I do care, I know the pain all too well.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance blindsided me by breaking it off with me without the benefit of an in person private discussion, he did so by Fed Ex to my office, no less!  I suffered the further humiliation of being told to leave as I cried when I read his scrawled note.  It hurt and I cried the first few months but finally determined I would not any more.  I understood his mom was dying and he was her sole caregiver, sleep deprived, emotionally bankrupt.  A few months later we were able to be friends, but only because neither of us was secretly hoping for something different or trying to manipulate the other.  We are still friends although drifted apart (10+ years later) but he took his XW in so she wouldn't be homeless, and a couple of years later she is still there and they do everything together.  Not as a "couple" but as "family" and I am so glad I'm not carrying the torch for him!  He's someone I care about and enjoy his humor, but they have a life and I have another.  He also gave me mixed messages when we resumed friendship, I'm glad I didn't put any stock in it!

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/21/2020 at 11:08 AM, kayc said:

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation, and your GF/friend as well.  It does sound as if you're broken up and I would be honest with her that although you care very much about her and want to be there for her, it isn't fair to you to be in constant limbo either.  She can do what she wants to with that, she will regardless.  She is looking out for her best interests, you need to do the same for yourself.  One person cannot carry a relationship totally one sided indefinitely.  She is not giving you hope, she's given you mixed messages, talking out of both sides of her mouth.  To be fair to her, I don't think she means to.  She is grieving and there's a certain % of people that respond in their grief this way.  But even if you got through this intact, which odds are you will not judging from the hundreds of threads I've read in this section, you would continue to wonder the NEXT time someone died or some other calamity came along, if you would be given the boot again.  THAT is not fair to you.  You deserve and want someone who will go through thick and thin in life with, not someone who could throw you overboard all of a sudden through circumstances beyond your control.  

I recommend having no contact for a period of time before attempting "friendship" as you need time to heal and adjust to this relationship on different terms.  By constantly subjecting yourself to the pain of having her there but not as your GF, you will prolong the healing and these discussions will be likely to continue with the same cycle of her feeling guilty she can't be what she knows you want and you longing for something you can't have, the same mixed messages, it's not fair to either of you.  I know it's not what you want to hear and you could likely reject it as you're still in the trying to win her over phase, thinking if you're just patient long enough...but that will not do it.  I'm afraid that grief once again interfered in a relationship that seemed to be going well...that is, until it was something else that brought it to a head.  We can easily blame this on grief as it seems the apparent cause, but the truth is more likely that the two of you weren't doing as well as assumed, that there was a chink that was bound to surface sometime, and this did it.  Release yourself to be open for YOUR person, not one that will break up with you when life is tough.  Life is always tough, it's just a matter of time before it hits with something.

I wish you both well on your exams.  I realize this is a process and it may take you some time before you're ready for this realization, but I really am in your corner, and would love nothing more than to be wrong...but statistics speak to me, they tell me a story, and if you had the time to read each and every post in this section, you would see that story loud and clear.  As it is, you may have to go through the pain of this process before discovering it for yourself.  Either way, I'm here for you, will listen.  And believe me, I do care, I know the pain all too well.  I was engaged for a year and my fiance blindsided me by breaking it off with me without the benefit of an in person private discussion, he did so by Fed Ex to my office, no less!  I suffered the further humiliation of being told to leave as I cried when I read his scrawled note.  It hurt and I cried the first few months but finally determined I would not any more.  I understood his mom was dying and he was her sole caregiver, sleep deprived, emotionally bankrupt.  A few months later we were able to be friends, but only because neither of us was secretly hoping for something different or trying to manipulate the other.  We are still friends although drifted apart (10+ years later) but he took his XW in so she wouldn't be homeless, and a couple of years later she is still there and they do everything together.  Not as a "couple" but as "family" and I am so glad I'm not carrying the torch for him!  He's someone I care about and enjoy his humor, but they have a life and I have another.  He also gave me mixed messages when we resumed friendship, I'm glad I didn't put any stock in it!

I think you're right kayc, I really can't take this anymore. Every time we talk its like I'm feeding an addiction, and I have to go through withdrawal all over again. I just hate that we share the same friend group, and I really don't want to lose them. They knew her before me, and I know that they will always favour her, but I know it will absolutely kill me if I ever saw her with someone else. The only thing that comforts me is that I know we will be meeting in 2-3 months to discuss everything; although I recognize that statistically the odds aren't in my favor.

I'm not sure if you read my last post (practically a book) about what happened (i deleted it), but she responded to my movie offer by saying I was "putting her on the spot" but that she will consider it, and (hopefully) let me know by Friday. I was able to make it light hearted and we didn't end it on a bad note, she laughed a lot during our convo. However, It seems like her answer was already a no, but I'm not sure why she couldn't just tell me straight up. Something just seems so off about her. If she responds with a no, or not at all, then I am for sure not talking to her until at least class starts up again (around 3 weeks). I'm having such a hard time coping with the fact that I did so much to help her through this and all I got was coldness and an eventual break up. It was genuinely probably the worst month of my life. 

I can see the guilt aspect you mentioned, sometimes I think she secretly resents me because of the guilt I trigger. She always used to insult women for leaving good guys for no reason, and I think she realized she did the same; its why she doubted the relationship over insignificant things to try to rationalize it.

You're right about the trust factor. The only thing that would spare me such fear is that shes never experienced grief in her entire life, and I know she has such a close bond with her family that maybe most of her emotional capacity had to go to them. I would just hope the next time something happens, I am part of that family.

And of course I'm sorry to hear of your story, I am familiar with it from your other threads. It is really is impossible to understand how grief can alter someone so much. But as you say, maybe there was a chink there, I'm not sure. Its my first relationship and I feel like i can't even point out what it could have been. It seems like our relationship never even happened; we never even went on a real date--they were all in the park or in her backyard. We would usually just talk all night, sometimes for 6 hours (10pm-4am); but we had to go LDR for the last month and a half because of covid, which probably really did a number on our connection through this. Sometimes I think that if we just had a physical presence, maybe all this would have been okay.

Honestly, if i can vent a little, this has been an awful first relationship experience. Covid made us so nervous since she lived with her grandparents, we would often go weeks without touching; she lives far away and i had to take a sometimes 2 hrs bus ride just to see her; her grandfather was just getting progressively worse while her family struggled financially. I think we only had a solid 1-2 months of comfort with each other. It just so sad to think of what could have been.

Thanks again kayc

[CommanderCody]

While reading your posts, I can't avoid not thinking " Man there's another human being that's going through the same thing as I " and that I was in your position 3 months ago that the resemblance of our situation is so uncanny. From the similarities I've seen :

1. This is our first real love/relationship. 

2. We have met their families and they approved of us.  

3. We showed deeply our love even tho they have hurt us ( and they acknowledge that )

4. We loved them unconditionally, supported them, honestly we could say we have given our best but still it wasn't enough to work things out ( for me ) 

5. Both of our exes knows that losing a great guy is a mistake.

6. They tried/still trying to work things out between us. 

7. They have nothing to give for us, even though they deeply care and love us, they had to break off the relationship.

8. Confronted them with question(s) about the relationship.

9. She began to have trust issues (not because of us) with everyone around them.

Hey man, I'm not in the right state to give advice right now as I am still grieving my ex even though I can really feel that I am healing one day at a time. What I can say is that this situation you are in will drain you mentally if you decide to continue; sure at first we don't want to end things, we are clinging to the hope of " working things out " -- that maybe one day they'll miraculously go back to the way they were before pre-grieving but I don't think that's going to happen. It took me a lot of realizations before I accepted that. I don't blame you for trying this working out the relationship with her, go ahead if you feel to. It's worth trying it out rather than having those continuous what if's running through your mind especially in the future.  I know it's hard to lose her as she was just not any other girls we've previously dated ( at least for me ) 

In my case, we had agreed to work out the relationship twice. First one was when we broke up last September and the second was last November after giving each other space for a month. All I could say from what happened when we decided to work it out are :

1. it's difficult to maintain or even sustain a relationship with a broken person. You can't avoid not thinking about " this is not how we were used to be " and that is something you will have to live for and you can't do anything about it. 

2. I felt that I was walking on eggshells as that I continue filtering every word, sentence, and thoughts before I actually say it to her. And once I have said it and she didn't react to the way I was hoping for her to react, I would overthink " what did I say wrong? " in other words, she has become sensitive. 

3. She doesn't like expectations ( at least right now, I guess? ) 

4. From what I experienced, whenever I looked back at everything that I did to support her : 

• I was there at the funeral of her father
• Brought her mom sunflower bouquet for her mom's birthday and surprised her that we're going to her dad's grave then we bought cake and wine for her mom's b-day celebration ( this happened in one day ) 
• Got a tattoo together ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Surprised her breakfast in their home and her mom was even shocked that I did that ( this happened when we already broke up )
• She invited me to come over at their dad's grave when they paid to visit ( this happened when we already broke up)
• Ordered Shawarma for lunch and ate at their house ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Gave her the space we both needed ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Accompanied her to the mall 2 weeks ago
• And of course, I still was listening to her rants, cries, and problems.

There's a lot of here that I haven't mentioned but from what I can see I have already done enough to even try to save the relationship. 

5. It is mostly going to be one-sided at some point and you can't say or do anything to change that unless she has decided to invest in the relationship again.

6. Everything that is going to transpire will mostly come from her terms.

7. I had a hard time approaching her because I had difficulties in measuring how much space that she need and you're going to be thinking that if you go talk to her, you will disrupt the space she has requested. 

8. Our messages that once was full of enthusiasm, energy, and laughs were changed to 3-5 hours gap before we reply to each other (it depends on the topic we're talking about), mostly just checking how each other are doing, trying to have that fun and light conversation but deep down you know it's not the same.

9. You can't be your authentic self.

10.  You will constantly overthink about the past, present, and future. You will think if you're going to make this through ( and this is mentally exhausting ), you will reminisce how good you both were in the past and how you're disappointed it had to be this way, and you will miss her especially in the present.

I'm sure your ex is great bro. We won't be drooling ourselves like that if they meant nothing to us but it's just that life had gotten into the middle of our relationship and I know it's not easy to accept it at first. Even I am slowly accepting the fact that we're not talking now for 22 days ( even though I already foresee this coming ) but it's still hard. I always believed that when you're introduced to the family, there shouldn't be any problems you both cannot face because you were introduced for a reason -- you were the best she could see her life and future with. But damn how wrong was I. As what my dad said, " son charge this to experience " and my best friend said " it is what it is "

I hope you can figure out what's best for you.

[BaxterBurg]

Thanks for replying Cody, I'll make sure to respond to your post tomorrow after work. I will say now though that I'm sorry about your situation, that's really rough. The most comforting thing to hear for me is the classic "If its meant to be, it will be".

bye for now

 

[kayc]

11 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

She even got a better grade than me even though we did most of her work for her... its very frustrating.

It could be that the teacher noticed great improvement over previous work and graded accordingly.  So it's likely it was because of your help.

Not sure I'd just give it three weeks, not enough time for healing and revamping how you see things.

11 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

It seems like our relationship never even happened; we never even went on a real date--they were all in the park or in her backyard. We would usually just talk all night, sometimes for 6 hours

Sometimes those are the best kinds, the ones where you can share from the heart and really get to know each other.  But now you're realizing more about her and it's not acceptable for LTR as you realize you can't count on her like you'd hoped.

11 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Honestly, if i can vent a little, this has been an awful first relationship experience.

We learn from all of our relationships and hopefully you can take some positivity with this one too.  It's really hard to see clearly while in the middle of all your emotions, but later things will sharpen with clarity as you get further away from it.

 

[MartyT]

This article includes links to some additional readings that you may find helpful:

Death of A Parent: Negative Impact on A Couple's Relationship

[BaxterBurg]

21 hours ago, MartyT said:

This article includes links to some additional readings that you may find helpful:

Death of A Parent: Negative Impact on A Couple's Relationship

Thank you

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/21/2020 at 11:01 PM, CommanderCody said:

While reading your posts, I can't avoid not thinking " Man there's another human being that's going through the same thing as I " and that I was in your position 3 months ago that the resemblance of our situation is so uncanny. From the similarities I've seen :

1. This is our first real love/relationship. 

2. We have met their families and they approved of us.  

3. We showed deeply our love even tho they have hurt us ( and they acknowledge that )

4. We loved them unconditionally, supported them, honestly we could say we have given our best but still it wasn't enough to work things out ( for me ) 

5. Both of our exes knows that losing a great guy is a mistake.

6. They tried/still trying to work things out between us. 

7. They have nothing to give for us, even though they deeply care and love us, they had to break off the relationship.

8. Confronted them with question(s) about the relationship.

9. She began to have trust issues (not because of us) with everyone around them.

Hey man, I'm not in the right state to give advice right now as I am still grieving my ex even though I can really feel that I am healing one day at a time. What I can say is that this situation you are in will drain you mentally if you decide to continue; sure at first we don't want to end things, we are clinging to the hope of " working things out " -- that maybe one day they'll miraculously go back to the way they were before pre-grieving but I don't think that's going to happen. It took me a lot of realizations before I accepted that. I don't blame you for trying this working out the relationship with her, go ahead if you feel to. It's worth trying it out rather than having those continuous what if's running through your mind especially in the future.  I know it's hard to lose her as she was just not any other girls we've previously dated ( at least for me ) 

In my case, we had agreed to work out the relationship twice. First one was when we broke up last September and the second was last November after giving each other space for a month. All I could say from what happened when we decided to work it out are :

1. it's difficult to maintain or even sustain a relationship with a broken person. You can't avoid not thinking about " this is not how we were used to be " and that is something you will have to live for and you can't do anything about it. 

2. I felt that I was walking on eggshells as that I continue filtering every word, sentence, and thoughts before I actually say it to her. And once I have said it and she didn't react to the way I was hoping for her to react, I would overthink " what did I say wrong? " in other words, she has become sensitive. 

3. She doesn't like expectations ( at least right now, I guess? ) 

4. From what I experienced, whenever I looked back at everything that I did to support her : 

• I was there at the funeral of her father
• Brought her mom sunflower bouquet for her mom's birthday and surprised her that we're going to her dad's grave then we bought cake and wine for her mom's b-day celebration ( this happened in one day ) 
• Got a tattoo together ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Surprised her breakfast in their home and her mom was even shocked that I did that ( this happened when we already broke up )
• She invited me to come over at their dad's grave when they paid to visit ( this happened when we already broke up)
• Ordered Shawarma for lunch and ate at their house ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Gave her the space we both needed ( this happened when we already broke up )
• Accompanied her to the mall 2 weeks ago
• And of course, I still was listening to her rants, cries, and problems.

There's a lot of here that I haven't mentioned but from what I can see I have already done enough to even try to save the relationship. 

5. It is mostly going to be one-sided at some point and you can't say or do anything to change that unless she has decided to invest in the relationship again.

6. Everything that is going to transpire will mostly come from her terms.

7. I had a hard time approaching her because I had difficulties in measuring how much space that she need and you're going to be thinking that if you go talk to her, you will disrupt the space she has requested. 

8. Our messages that once was full of enthusiasm, energy, and laughs were changed to 3-5 hours gap before we reply to each other (it depends on the topic we're talking about), mostly just checking how each other are doing, trying to have that fun and light conversation but deep down you know it's not the same.

9. You can't be your authentic self.

10.  You will constantly overthink about the past, present, and future. You will think if you're going to make this through ( and this is mentally exhausting ), you will reminisce how good you both were in the past and how you're disappointed it had to be this way, and you will miss her especially in the present.

I'm sure your ex is great bro. We won't be drooling ourselves like that if they meant nothing to us but it's just that life had gotten into the middle of our relationship and I know it's not easy to accept it at first. Even I am slowly accepting the fact that we're not talking now for 22 days ( even though I already foresee this coming ) but it's still hard. I always believed that when you're introduced to the family, there shouldn't be any problems you both cannot face because you were introduced for a reason -- you were the best she could see her life and future with. But damn how wrong was I. As what my dad said, " son charge this to experience " and my best friend said " it is what it is "

I hope you can figure out what's best for you.

Hi Kody, sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I appreciate your response, and I'm sorry to hear of your situation.

You are definitely right that our situations seem to be so similar. From the start I accepted that this would be a long and painful experience trying to reconcile the relationship, but as you said, I know I have to exhaust every option before I can fully accept that I tried my best. However, I am starting to ware out quite a bit, and I'm tempted to just tell her goodbye.

And yeah, I actually haven't dated any girls in the past, she was the first. She will always be special to me for that reason alone.

You did a lot for her, and good on you for being there as much as you could, I understand how painful it must have been to be there for her still.

There are for sure similarities with what your feeling on my end too. Its very clear that she will have to put in lots of effort if she hopes to get the relationship going again, but I just don't think she has the energy to do it. I can also just "feel" the barriers that exist to do doing so, versus just starting fresh with someone else. I think she is hesitant about the movie offer because she still doesn't want to pull me along, but at the same time is still conflicted. The problem is, is that feelings won't just come back on their own, and love takes a lot of energy. We have to create new memories, and I need to reignite that spark that was lost, if she's even capable of it in the first place. Its very difficult for me to see a positive way out of this pit, and I'm sorry to hear that things are not working out for you.

I understand that in your situation she seemed to be very broken still; but I honestly don't know where my ex is in terms of grieving, she tries to mas kit, and is coming off overly happy to compensate for it. She told me this during our talk. I'm sure it doesn't help that she feels that she has to care for her father through this too. However, I don't feel that I'm walking on egg shells as much as I did before; we had a very upbeat conversation and I felt comfortable just joking around with her while doing our school work and after the exam. Before the death it was much worse: I could never talk about politics/philosophy as we used to because it would upset her; I could never ask her about her day; and it was always just sad and cold with zero affection except for our "I love you's".

Interestingly enough, my ex never asked for space. She said how we talked was fine, and that she would follow my communication style. Of course, we stopped doing our daily calls, but not until school ended did we stop talking everyday. Since confronting her though, I feel as if the dynamic has shifted, and she is more hesitant about contacting me because she knows it hurts me now. Also because school is over, we don't have an excuse to speak, but I think she wants space now anyway--as do I.

I really do understand what your saying at the end. I really thought me and her could weather any storm, as we use to talk so much about how important commitment was in a relationship, and being a team. Like you, I can honestly say I tried my best, and I have accepted that it is in her hands now. In my case, I'm not sure if I will ever properly heal since we share a friend group, and also classes together. In the end, this might work in my favour because maybe at some point she will recover from her pain, and that spark may return. Our relationship started from friendship, and I don't see why it can't again; but I'm not holding out hope, because I know it would just be never ending pain.

Thanks for reaching out Kody, and I hope for the best in your recovery and your future. We're both going through it together.

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/22/2020 at 10:13 AM, kayc said:

It could be that the teacher noticed great improvement over previous work and graded accordingly.  So it's likely it was because of your help.

Not sure I'd just give it three weeks, not enough time for healing and revamping how you see things.

Sometimes those are the best kinds, the ones where you can share from the heart and really get to know each other.  But now you're realizing more about her and it's not acceptable for LTR as you realize you can't count on her like you'd hoped.

We learn from all of our relationships and hopefully you can take some positivity with this one too.  It's really hard to see clearly while in the middle of all your emotions, but later things will sharpen with clarity as you get further away from it.

 

Thanks KayC. I hope I will be able to grow from this experience, and I'm sure I will. And you're right that I need someone who is willing to stick by me when it gets tough.

Regarding the 3 weeks, I don't think I have much choice. I don't want to lose my friends in our group, and I will always see her face in class. I might just have to suck it up if I'm unable to move on by then. But I won't direct message her, at least until we decide on a date for closure.

[CommanderCody]

10 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Its very clear that she will have to put in lots of effort if she hopes to get the relationship going again, but I just don't think she has the energy to do it. I can also just "feel" the barriers that exist to do doing so, versus just starting fresh with someone else

As @kaychave said to me, it's not that they don't they the energy, it's mostly that they don't have the emotional capacity for a relationship right now. I know it's difficult to accept that, even I had a long time before I accepted that. You will really feel that there will be barriers if you continue it, you will have a hard time measuring things between you two and that is exhausting. I won't hope too much for her to put effort into the relationship as the only thing she can offer right now is less than what you deserve ( from what I have experienced ) and that is something you will have to face if you're willing to go for the long haul.

 

10 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Since confronting her though, I feel as if the dynamic has shifted, and she is more hesitant about contacting me because she knows it hurts me now. Also because school is over, we don't have an excuse to speak, but I think she wants space now anyway--as do I.

Yeah, this is a lesson I wish I have KNOWN much earlier -- that we have to avoid relationship talk at all costs. But the thing that keeps me positive is believing that nothing is a mistake; that everything we've done from the rights and wrongs will be the lessons we need to move forward in our lives.

10 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I really do understand what your saying at the end. I really thought me and her could weather any storm, as we use to talk so much about how important commitment was in a relationship, and being a team. Like you, I can honestly say I tried my best, and I have accepted that it is in her hands now. In my case, I'm not sure if I will ever properly heal since we share a friend group, and also classes together. In the end, this might work in my favour because maybe at some point she will recover from her pain, and that spark may return. Our relationship started from friendship, and I don't see why it can't again; but I'm not holding out hope, because I know it would just be never ending pain

Same thing here bud, at the beginning of our relationship both of us have discussed how can we be on the same page as we progress in our relationship. How I have wished we had discussed how to support each other during grief when a tragedy happens in life. We will heal brother, it's only a matter of time. As Neil Patrick Harris once said: 

[BaxterBurg]

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

As @kaychave said to me, it's not that they don't they the energy, it's mostly that they don't have the emotional capacity for a relationship right now.

That makes sense, just going from what she told me it does appear that her emotional capacity is all being directed towards her family and her own healing.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

that is something you will have to face if you're willing to go for the long haul

I think I will try my best, I'm not really sure what I will do honestly--I might just play it by ear. I'm setting 3 months max until we meet in person (I set February 21st on my calendar); and because of school, we will remain in contact--is that a good thing, I'm not too sure. This all seems to be a very strange balancing act of trying to keep a connection versus giving her some space, as I think you have mentioned. If I distance myself too much, I fear losing whatever feelings might be left--that's why I'm asking her to watch a movie with me--but at the same time, maybe giving her space will allow her to heal better/not resent me--I really have no clue. My head is in circles thinking about it; but for the most part I'm just trying to move on. I'm not really expecting it to work out after reading so many threads, and just putting myself in her shoes, I understand that at this stage it might prove too difficult and awkward to repair. But my gut still says that somehow we will be together again in the future, just not sure how long that may be. I always thought she would be my wife, even before we met: I would look at her in class and think: there she is, its just a matter of time.

Part of me feels confused on feelings at this point though, I'm not sure if i miss her or just the feelings of being in a relationship. Have you felt similar? I feel almost feel unhappy after talking to her, shes just too cold or something; or shes hurt me too much. Maybe I'm just moving on, not too sure.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

 that everything we've done from the rights and wrongs will be the lessons we need to move forward in our lives.

That's a good way to look at it; hopefully neither of us are unlucky enough to have to deal with a situation like this again though.

 

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

wished we had discussed how to support each other during grief when a tragedy happens in life

Yes, I really wish we had discussed this too. I just never expected it to end this way! Neither of us did. But it's for sure something to carry forward into new relationships. At least for our future partners as well, when we both have to experience grief ourselves, we will never do this to them.

Also, if you're curious, I've been asking family and friends their perspective on everything. I asked a female family friend who actually was the dumper. She got diagnosed with cancer, and basically she just felt that she had to let go and focus purely on herself. She also didn't think she could put her partner through the pain because she knew that he was not the one, but also because his first wife died of cancer. This is a different situation, but might offer some perspective from their side; I suppose this is where the "chink" in the relationship might play a part. This may not have played a part in your relationship, but its something to think about, as I'm sure you have. Just thinking back on my own, I can see how she might be just trying to spare me further pain, especially if her own feelings were further effected by grief, or by depression.

1 hour ago, CommanderCody said:

We will heal brother, it's only a matter of time

Yeah, its true. I think I'm doing well, hope you are too. I tend to think of these types as ticking time bombs, just ready to explode on anyone who's unfortunate enough to be holding them through it. Maybe this is too harsh a thought, but it gives me comfort anyway. As Kayc says: we need someone who will stick around through the hard times, as we did for them. Keep your head up! And best of luck.

[CommanderCody]

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I'm setting 3 months max until we meet in person (I set February 21st on my calendar); and because of school, we will remain in contact--is that a good thing, I'm not too sure.

Setting a time frame is okay, it is what Kay C has suggested with me either. If nothing progress within the time frame you had set, then you have your answer. When I had set a time frame ( when we broke up last September), I gave only until October to see if things were gonna progress, but since we had a argument that led us to wanting space even more with each other ( this story is in my forum) I adjusted the time frame for another month only because I deeply care and want the relationship to work and adjusted another. 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

If I distance myself too much, I fear losing whatever feelings might be left--that's why I'm asking her to watch a movie with me--but at the same time, maybe giving her space will allow her to heal better/not resent me--I really have no clue

I feel your anxiety on this. You can't stop overthinking all those worries like " what if she talks to another guy? " " what if she forgets me?" " what if she wont contact me? "  From what I have experienced, since she asked for more space, I respectfully gave it to her. I let her be the one to initiate almost most of our conversations -- and she did. But my anxiety sometimes can be overwhelming that whenever we weren't talking ( we took about 5 long days before we got to talk again ) these thoughts would somehow get the best of me; and let me tell you that s*** is exhausting. Between those 5 days, there was one day that I was crying real bad. I can't get her out of my head. Heck, I even kneeled down inside the church praying for my feelings that it hurts me so much. The best thing you could do, if you want, is to focus on yourself. Go out with friends, post things you've been doing on social media, do your own thing, I guarantee you, she may or not see it, hit you up or no, you will feel good about yourself. Of course the thought of her will still be there but you'll slowly get used to it that you're having fun even without her.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Part of me feels confused on feelings at this point though, I'm not sure if i miss her or just the feelings of being in a relationship. Have you felt similar?

Of course. I did miss her bro I won't lie about that. Everything that we both have gone through the relationship will surely take us back into reminiscing at some point when we are moving on. We can't avoid that ( atleast for me ) because we both know how amazing this person is for us.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I feel almost feel unhappy after talking to her, shes just too cold or something; or shes hurt me too much. Maybe I'm just moving on, not too sure.

As Kay C has once told me bro, their interaction with you really depends on how they are feeling. I won't blame you for feeling unhappy if she talks to you in a way you're not expecting. It's hard to keep up a conversation when someone doesn't return the enthusiasm you're sharing. That is something you also have to take a consideration on if you're going to continue this relationship with her.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

hopefully neither of us are unlucky enough to have to deal with a situation like this again though.

I won't say that we're unlucky if we get through the same situation again; I would rather say that hopefully we would get a partner that's not going to cut us out in their grieving process. I'm not afraid to go down this path again as long I'm sure the person I am with is allowing me to be there for her, not breaking us up. And by then, I know what to do because this experience of handling a grieving person is the most biggest lesson I've ever learned in a relationship and I'm grateful for that

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

This may not have played a part in your relationship, but its something to think about, as I'm sure you have. Just thinking back on my own, I can see how she might be just trying to spare me further pain, especially if her own feelings were further effected by grief, or by depression.

Yes, of course I have thought about this. They care for us that they have to end the relationship because they have nothing to offer to us in all aspects. And it guilts them that they are dragging us along with their problems. I shared my story on my forum regarding this, I think it's in page 3. Where she has said that she feels unfair because she's dragging me along her problems but I told her that I don't blame her if she feels that way and that I chose to be with her from the start and that she should not feel bad about herself for feeling that way. 

Anyway, if you've read my forum all the way to page 6, you probably know that we haven't spoken casually for 24 days now and that I ignored her last Dec 10 after she didn't reach out to me from Dec 1 - Dec 10, that finally I realized this to too much and I have to move on. Since then I stopped viewing her instagram stories and when she noticed it, she did the same thing to me. But her little brother and big sister has recently had a small talk with me ( it's not about her ). But now since its the 24th, I have messaged her a " Hey, I hope you're doing well. I just want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas! " just to let her know that there's no beef between us and that we're still friends -- that even though I left without explaining myself, I did what I had to do -- to self heal. I'm not expecting if she'll reply, if she took it personally then that's not my problem anymore. 

[kayc]

I know how hard this time is for both of you, and I just hope you can have a bit of bright in your day tomorrow in spite of the angst you're going through. 

[CommanderCody]

9 hours ago, CommanderCody said:

But now since its the 24th, I have messaged her a " Hey, I hope you're doing well. I just want to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas! " just to let her know that there's no beef between us and that we're still friends -- that even though I left without explaining myself, I did what I had to do -- to self heal. I'm not expecting if she'll reply, if she took it personally then that's not my problem anymore. 

Anyway she did reply after 9 hrs. She said " Merry christmas to you and your family too! " i guess thats it. I dont have any more things to say to her. I guess when i walked away  without explaining anything to her and ignored her for 2 weeks, it changed everything. Anyway it is what it is

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

Heck, I even kneeled down inside the church praying for my feelings that it hurts me so much

I've been there honestly, except it was before we broke up and I just felt it coming. I know how much that must have hurt.

 

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

They care for us that they have to end the relationship because they have nothing to offer to us in all aspects. And it guilts them that they are dragging us along with their problems

I get that, and that seems to be the case with my ex. knowing her, I can see how she thought this. She voiced to me once how she hates when people complain about their problems to other people; I tried telling her that talking to me was okay, and that I wish she would. She says its part of her soviet culture to not complain about issues, or talk about things. I was kind of like this too before opening up to family and friends about my breakup. I never realized how much better it feels to have someone to talk to finally.

 

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

their interaction with you really depends on how they are feeling

Its kind of strange though, I can just tell something is off even though on the surface she seems "normal". She once told me that she fakes being happy because she has to get over the grief and because her grandfather wouldn't want her to be unhappy. I think this may be the reason why it comes off as cold.

 

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

and let me tell you that s*** is exhausting. 

 

I get what you mean, I'm feeling pretty drained sometimes. The worry that shes talking to another guy is particularly annoying; but I do my best to take her word that she can't have a relationship right now.

 

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

 I would rather say that hopefully we would get a partner that's not going to cut us out in their grieving process

Yeah, this is more what I meant. It would be horrible to have to experience another situation where they push us away; I don't even know what I would do in that situation. I wouldn't mind helping someone in grief either, and as you say, its just about being able to rely on them to stick through it, or even turn to us in their time of need

 

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

I left without explaining myself, I did what I had to do -- to self heal. I'm not expecting if she'll reply, if she took it personally then that's not my problem anymore

Don't worry. She should be able to understand. My ex was pretty understanding, and she told me I could do whatever I had to do, even if that was cutting contact completely.

On 12/24/2020 at 2:30 AM, CommanderCody said:

hat finally I realized this to too much and I have to move on

I feel you, I think you did you're best; its time to focus on yourself. I almost feel like I'm at that point sometimes--my friends and family often just tell me to give up for the same reason Kayc says.

On 12/24/2020 at 11:28 AM, CommanderCody said:

it changed everything. Anyway it is what it is

Don't worry cody, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. If this is the end, I'm very sorry, and at least you can take pride in the fact that you did everything possible for this girl. Taking the hard road builds character, and as you have mentioned, lots of knowledge for other relationships.

[kayc]

Thinking of you today...hoping something today will bring you a smile, no matter how small.

[CommanderCody]

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I feel you, I think you did you're best; its time to focus on yourself. I almost feel like I'm at that point sometimes--my friends and family often just tell me to give up for the same reason Kayc says.

thanks bro. I can honestly say I've done everything that I can to support her but even though I wanted to be there so much for her, there will really come a time when we realize it's too much and we proceed asking ourselves that if this situation is ever going to turn around and whatever your answer will be, the next question will be " what's next then? " I would say that you should listen to your gut bro. We can't fool ourselves with the hard truths. 

 

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I can just tell something is off even though on the surface she seems "normal".

You bet you're right on this. I had an experience where in the first month when we started dating, whenever we would have car rides it would be always filled with stories and laughter and when she experienced grief, it changed to a small talk or just silence car rides. My point is even though she's quiet I could always feel that something isn't right and I'm not sure whether it has to do something with me or it's just her and her grief.

 

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

It would be horrible to have to experience another situation where they push us away; I don't even know what I would do in that situation

Promise yourself bro, the next time you're going through this situation again and your partner cuts you off, don't hesitate to walk away no matter how much we love them. I really do think that this experience of ours, if it has taught as one thing, is that we should never settle for less -- and we both learned it the hard way. If you have read my forum on page 5 and 6, you'll see the story of Selena1988 and how and her boyfriend are going through his grieving process together. That's the type of person and love we both deserved.

 

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

Don't worry. She should be able to understand. My ex was pretty understanding, and she told me I could do whatever I had to do, even if that was cutting contact completely.

Yeah, I know she understands it. She even told me before that if I choose to walk away she won't take me against it. It's just that I felt that she lost her trust for me after I didn't made contact to her for 2 weeks. Because the last time we both hang out, she even cried and ranted her problems in life at me. And all I got for the Christmas greeting that I've told her was " Merry Christmas to you too and your family! " I feel she's beginning to resent me or maybe be grumpy or snappy towards me if ever we're going to be talking again. I don't know. My uncle said " if that's how you feel she's going to treat you after not talking for 2 weeks but in fact you were there for her for months, then that's not your problem anymore "

16 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I have an interesting part of my story that I never mentioned if you're curious. Basically, I have this blog where I use to write down things I studied, or just write random essays after having a nagging thought. My ex knew about it, and after we broke up she checked it 30 times within 3 days. While her checking on it has become sparse, she will usually check it out if we don't talk for a bit, and she recently checked it yesterday. I have been making posts for her, and giving her resources on the grieving--actually, the ones that Marty sent. I can see that she always clicks the stuff I leave for her.

If she says no to the movie, I'm thinking of not talking to her really after Christmas (she still hasnt gotten back to me about it even though we talked about other things); and I might just keep updating the blog with stuff just to maintain the connection. I feel like this removes all pressures to reply, she still sees I care, and hopefully she can heal in a better way then she has been; I can also move on and heal myself in the process. Its kind of an interesting dynamic because we never discuss what I post on there, she kind of just looks and reads the stuff throughout the day. Its like we pretend its not there.

Also, I still gave her and her family their Christmas gifts, as well as a care package for their loss 3 weeks ago. They sent us a food basket as appreciation, and she finally tried on the sweater i bought her. Sadly, it doesn't fit, but shes okay with me sending her a new one, and returning the other. I'm glad she accepted the gifts; I actually thought she would give them back. 

I'll give an update on what she says about the movie proposition--if anything.

that's a nice story bro. thanks for sharing it with me. I would definitely love to hear what she'll be saying regarding that. Have a happy holidays too! May we find the peace we deserve right now.

[BaxterBurg]

Sorry for the late reply, I will get back to you shortly.

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/25/2020 at 9:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

We can't fool ourselves with the hard truths

yeah, its getting harder and harder to have any hope. I feel as though I'm moving on already; 75% of me just feels done. 

On 12/25/2020 at 9:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

And all I got for the Christmas greeting that I've told her was " Merry Christmas to you too and your family! " I feel she's beginning to resent me or maybe be grumpy or snappy towards me if ever we're going to be talking agai

This is EXACTLY how i feel. my ex also responded with something very similiar, and with lots of explenation marks.

 

On 12/25/2020 at 9:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

I'm not sure whether it has to do something with me or it's just her and her grief.

I guess we may never know. I confronted my ex about the iritation it seemed she had with me: she said she wasn't, but part of me doesn't beleive her. I have no clue what goes on in her mind, its just too confusing to even think about.

 

On 12/25/2020 at 9:17 AM, CommanderCody said:

I would definitely love to hear what she'll be saying regarding that

She never got back to me about the movie, which is what I thought would happen. Can't be angry about it though.

anyway, hope you and Kayc's holiday season was okay. Take care of yourself.

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/25/2020 at 8:30 AM, kayc said:

Thinking of you today...hoping something today will bring you a smile, no matter how small.

Thank you Kayc, I appreciate that a lot. Hope you were able to enjoy your holiday season.

[CommanderCody]

1 hour ago, BaxterBurg said:

it just seems like her problem, and something I don't even want to deal with anymore. Too frsutrating and draining trying to guess what she means by what she does.

This is what's sad about to the both of us, and to those people who are experiencing this situation right now. I have read a post recently that said " Loving a person shouldn't be difficult. If the person is really into you, they wouldn't leave you guessing your feelings, questioning their motives, or even give you a reason to overthink because their feelings for you is genuine. " But then again here comes the argument about " but they're experiencing grief and she said she can't handle a relationship right now. And I know it's not her fault that this happened to us -- but I still want to be there for her because we didn't even want this to happen " This is what has kept me holding back. Then again, when I had a deep realization, as much as I want to be there for her, to offer my shoulder and my company whenever she wants to cry and rant, as much as it pains me, I know I had to let go. 

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

This is EXACTLY how i feel. my ex also responded with something very similiar, and with lots of explenation marks. I have a feeling they both know how nice we are, and its the guilt that makes them irritated with us. They compensate with the happy messages and explenation marks

To be honest bro I don't even know if we will be ever talking again in the near future but I'm not waiting for her message or any interactions anymore. I want a fresh start to 2021 and just learn from everything this relationship has taught me.

Do you have anything to say about this statement from the both of us, @kayc?

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I've done everything I can at this point and that its up to her to make things work. If she wants the relationship then thats her job to make it happen, and she needs to rebuild trust with me if she does.

Haha it's funny bro this is what I've told myself too. If she wants to really make this relationship work, I would want to see and feel it. If you had read my story about the time we went to the mall, I knew deep inside me that she is really trying to put an effort into making the relationship work but the problem is she can't really offer me anything. If you're curious what do I mean by that, what I mean is -- yeah, we were went out last time, hang out, but it wasn't the same anymore. The cute things we had been doing before : taking random selfies, holding hands while walking, being extremely close with each other even during car rides, those were all gone when we hang out last time. I appreciate the time she has given to the both of us, I don't know if it's my fault that I'm secretly wishing if we could be how we were before ( but I know its not going to happen ) and when I realized that what I saw was what I am going to be getting if we continue working out the relationship, I don't know if it's something I'm up for.

 

2 hours ago, BaxterBurg said:

I switch between thinking: shes an innocent girl whos grandfather passed and is really confused about her feelings, or her want for a relationship;

EXACTLY!! We're stuck in the middle between : this is not her fault, we both didn't want this to happen vs I still love her and I want to make this work with her but I know it's not going to be the same. 

 

I hope you had a good holidays too brother. 

[BaxterBurg]

On 12/26/2020 at 10:33 PM, CommanderCody said:

when I realized that what I saw was what I am going to be getting if we continue working out the relationship, I don't know if it's something I'm up for.

maaaan thats true, this is so tough. Oh well, i'm not going to put in an energy at least; and i dont think she even cares anymore. We will be in class together (online) for the rest of the school year, its not like either of us will meet anyone. Maybe within this time she will return ot her old self; but if she moved on im out for good, im not a backup plan.

On 12/26/2020 at 10:33 PM, CommanderCody said:

know I had to let go.

you made the right decision, as sad as that is. im following suit. If its meant to be it will be.

 

On 12/26/2020 at 10:33 PM, CommanderCody said:

This is what's sad about to the both of us, and to those people who are experiencing this situation right now.

very true. If only we knew what they were thinking; but then again I dont even think they know what they are thinking, or what they want right now.

 

On 12/26/2020 at 10:33 PM, CommanderCody said:

but I'm not waiting for her message or any interactions anymore. I want a fresh start to 2021 and just learn from everything this relationship has taught me.

I support your decision. You deserve to be loved, and i know how anxiety inducing it is to be constantly looking at your phone, or hoping for that reply. Add on reading into texts and trying to figure out how they feel through them--its awful and no way to live. 

 

take care

[CommanderCody]

Take care too brother. Hopefully may our hearts heal better, wiser, and stronger. Let me know if something ever happens and vice versa. 

[BaxterBurg]

6 minutes ago, CommanderCody said:

Take care too brother. Hopefully may our hearts heal better, wiser, and stronger. Let me know if something ever happens and vice versa. 

Sounds good. For sure, let me know if anything happens.