jenn13 Posted July 9, 2006 Report Share Posted July 9, 2006 It has been nearly one month since I lost her. She was 81. She had been ill, and suffered a heart attack about 2 weeks prior to her death. We were told it was minor, and that she'd be ok. She was released from the hospital, and scheduled for further testing. But, as often happens, they waited too long. She suffered another heart attack about a week later, and found herself back in a hospital bed. This time, urgency was felt, and my parents rushed to her side while I remained home caring for my other grandmother, who sufferes from Alzheimer's disease. Again, they were told she'd be alright. That night, she suffered another heart attack. A rather massive one. Her lungs and kidneys began to fail. I was booked on a flight for a wedding that week... The morning of my flight I made the trip to the hospital (about an hour away). I felt like if I chose to go, that I would have no regrets knowing that I had seen her one last time should she pass while I was away. I fully expected to be able to sit there, hold her hand and talk with her for a while. Instead, I walked in to find her on oxygen, asleep (which I later found out was more than sleep.. she never really woke up), and struggling for each breath. I stood and watched her for a few minutes until it became too difficult to see. I left the hospital, drove to the airport, and got on that plane. I knew in my heart I was absolutely making the wrong decision in leaving. As I boarded my plane I had tears rolling down my face, and I kept whispering how sorry I was, as if she'd have heard me. She passed away a few hours after my plane touched down. My family wouldn't let me come back home. They said my grandma would have wanted me to enjoy my vacation. They were right, but I feel very guilty for missing the funeral, for not staying home, and for not being here when my family needed me the most. I am 24 years old, and until my dogs death last May I have been rather shielded from death all my life, with only one noteable exception in my teens. I have not learned coping skills, and I have very little support from family and even friends. People expect me to be "over it" already. Fact is, that will never happen. Why must grief always be dealt with alone, but everyone is always so quick to share my happiness. I don't think I'll ever find that answer.. I guess for now, I'll keep trudging through my days without her... wishing I could be where she is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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