anticipating grief

[jacqui8]

I'm Jacqui i have just joined this site, i have anticipating grief for my dad, i am in bits, my stomach is in knots, all around me seem to be coping, i fear i will get worse after it happens, my dad, my hero, how am i going to get through it..😢

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for the reason that brought you here, Jacqui ~ but pleased that you've found your way to us. You are not alone in this. We will walk beside you and offer our continued comfort, information and support.

As a start, I invite you to read the following:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning: Suggested Resources

[jacqui8]

Thanks so much for reaching back out to me, i will read those links. 

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Jacqui.  Been there, I lost my dad when I was 29, that was nearly 40 years ago when expecting my first child.  I've lost so many since.  I hope you will post a little of what you're going through, it helps to express it and know you're heard.  We're here.

Also, this might be relevant for you...https://hbr.org/2019/08/how-to-cope-with-anticipatory-grief-at-work

[jacqui8]

thank you, its my dad  he has late stage kidney failure, he is on morphine and has stopped eating, little fluids, no longer responding to us... my mother has him at home and looking after him with us and nurses, i feel like am grieving now, one minute am dealing with it the next am overwhelmed with sadness and despair.. i am trying to come to terms with what is happening i just hope i find strength to get through.

[kayc]

Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time if necessary.  Remind yourself to breathe!  Eat something healthy, drink some water, go for a walk when you can, it will help you have what you need to get through this.  We'll be here for you as you go through this.  (((hugs)))

[jacqui8]

thank you that is so kind an so supportive, i will do those things will to try anything, the time draws nearer, its coming at me in waves😪 i have a fear that it may takeover me and become so overwhelming, i fear that ..

[Kieron]

Welcome, and I am sorry to read that your dad is dealing with renal failure.  That was something my partner lived with for far too many years and it takes such a toll.  I do empathize.

And you're right, as it draws closer, it feels like a giant wave that is bearing down on you, inexorable and unstoppable.  And it will catch up to you, and you'll go under, but you will rise again to the surface.  It's a bit like being in the ocean.  Wait for the next one, and the next, for they will come sooner or later.  The key is to let the waves have their way with you.  Whether you try to outrun the waves of grief, or let go and ride them, they will bear down on you and pass on their way, just the same. 

But you'll find they're often a little less intense each time.  The fear of being overtaken is very real, I don't minimize that at all... but it is the way of this journey, I've found.

 

[jacqui8]

thank you Kieron for your understanding of the waves, they are big am not running from them i am taking it. right in the pit of my stomach the tears flow heavy then a lull...i try to tell myself death is part of life and natural it happens to us all which may not help some but does take the edge  of slightly, takes it down from a 9 to an 8 if this makes sense.. 

 

[MartyT]

It makes a great deal of sense, Jacqui ~ and it serves as evidence that you do have some measure of control over your own reactions. You can do this, my dear. You ARE doing this, and we are here to support you, every step of the way. ❤️

[jacqui8]

thank you so much, all of you.. thank you MartyT i will be back on no doubt, your words give me hope i can get through..x

[MartyT]

You are so welcome, Jacqui. 

If you've had little or no experience with it, grief can be a frightening experience ~ but remember that since the beginning of time, people have been dealing with and surviving the most horrific losses. As I've written elsewhere, grief is not an illness or a pathological condition ~ it is a normal reaction to losing someone we love dearly, and the depth of grief we feel is in direct proportion to the attachment we have to the one we have lost ~ or in your case, to the one you're expecting to lose. In that sense, grief is the price we pay for love. There is no great grief unless there is great love. But unless we know what normal grief looks like and feels like, unless we know what to expect when loss happens to us, unless we know how to manage our own reactions, grief can make us look and feel very "crazy," frightened and alone. That's why it is so important to learn all we can about it, and to find someone we trust to talk with about it ~ preferably someone who understands the relationship we had with the one who died, and who knows something about the normal mourning process. You've taken the right step by being here with us. 

Take heart in knowing that if others are finding their way through their own tragic losses, then somehow you will find your own way, too. You are NOT alone, my dear ~ we are here to offer you the compassion, caring, support and hope that you need and deserve. ❤️

[jacqui8]

thank you❤️

 

[jacqui8]

Had a calm night with no knots in my stomach and now i worry why i felt calm, is this how it goes? am waiting for something, another feeling another hit of grief is this the order of things? does grief have a fixed set of emotions feelings and once you know them there is no more hidden ones waiting to hit you. 

[MartyT]

 

3 hours ago, jacqui8 said:

does grief have a fixed set of emotions feelings and once you know them there is no more hidden ones waiting to hit you. 

Unfortunately, no. The emotions of grief can hit us at any time, and sometimes when we least expect them ~ but that doesn't mean that we cannot learn how to manage them. See In Grief: Coping with STUGs ❤️

[jacqui8]

i think i meant to say or should have said in previous post, the list of emotions we feel in grief be it all of them, guilt, sorrow, pain, sadness, lonely etc etc i dont know how many there are but i meant to say once we know the feeling/emotions that we are facing/dealing with however often or strong they are, they are the only ones we will have to deal with, and then we could recognise them and know how to deal with them having felt and identified them, i would not like to get 6/12 months down the line and hit with another strange emotion connected to grief, something odd, something scary another new feeling... i dont know if i have explained myself properly or gone to deep on this, forgive me i am just getting ready for what i have to deal with.💔

[Kieron]

Well, they're kind of jumbled together, in my experience, and telling them apart, when they hit you at a later time, really doesn't matter in the moment.  You will feel whatever you feel, when you feel it, and that's entirely valid.  I just think that in societies where we're grief-avoidant, or illiterate in grieving, the tendency is to put off grief as long as possible.  So if you let yourself feel, from the beginning, as much as you are able, then you will fare much better than will someone who runs from their grief.  Does that make sense?

[jacqui8]

yes complete sense i just a bit fearful what is to come, i have lost my beloved dog and grieved for him but i know this is going to be much much worse, i felt the grief then, it was only about 4 emotions, sadness, guilt, sorrow, deep longing for him, and some physical symptoms but that was all, i knew what they were and understood them i hope this time will be the same and i can manage them.Thank you for your reply.

[jacqui8]

its happened, my darling dad passed this morning💔

[MartyT]

[jacqui8]

thank you.😪

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  You and your family are in my prayers.  The next few days will undoubtedly be busy as you tend to details and then it will hit...we will be here when you need us. 

[jacqui8]

Am i grieving, i have had periods of floods of tears followed by calm, i feel exhausted, i have little appetite, i have been busy sorting paperwork and have a short time alone, i have a banging headache, i slept ok which surprised me, i am checking local obituaries on the internet or looking for any famous people that have passed around this time too, i don't really understand why am doing it. I am waiting for it to hit me, i have replayed the end with my dad over and over in my mind i need to do this more, i feel sad that he is gone i feel so sorry for him. I feel for my mum she seems to be holding up and am supporting her staying with her each night. Apologies if this is rambling i just needed to get it out. But still in fear of something around the corner waiting to hit me.

[kayc]

Deep breaths!  Your mom is fortunate to have you.  The things you describe are normal in early grief, I felt the same when I lost my husband, although I barely slept at all either.  It is hard to think/function in early grief so I'm glad you slept.  It may wait and hit you when some of these things are behind you.  We're kind of in shock at this stage, at least I was.  

[jacqui8]

thank you KayC,  i also get comfort being around my mum, if and when 'it' does hit me what can i expect, would it be a huge wave of grief, maybe something i have felt but stronger am sorry if this is a stupid question i am going day by day getting through thinking i got through that one.😔