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Hi all -

On Saturday, I had to put down my beautiful little girl that I had for 16 years, Miss Tizzy. I've lost pets before, but this one was truly special to me - she was originally a street cat that I took into my home when she was pretty young, likely around a year old, and she's been the one constant in my life over all these years. The number of trials and tribulations we went through together would make a pretty long list - she had a number of health issues, including being diagnosed FIV+ early on, likely from a rat bite she suffered when she was outside (which was the catalyst to adopting her), and I had a number of personal things I went through in those years, and she was always there for me. 

I know it's still raw, and things will get better with time, but it hurts so, so much. I work from home full time, so every day she would be on my lap or next to me, getting pets and having our morning chats and just enjoying each others company, and now she's gone and there's a huge hole in my life. The first thing I did every morning was say hello to her, and the last thing I did every night was make sure she was safe before I went to bed. It's a monumental struggle to get out of bed now, knowing the first thing I have to face is the emptiness of the spot where her bed used to be, that there's one less bowl to fill with food, and on and on and on. I have a good life, I'm in a loving marriage with 2 stepkids that are good kids and we have other pets, but now it's all been thrown into a bit of chaos, and I'm just struggling.

I'm also haunted by the last bit of time I had with her. In retrospect, we're pretty sure she was going through renal failure and losing her eyesight. When it started, I laid on the floor with her, petting her and telling her over and over that I was with her, but she likely couldn't hear, see, or smell anything at that point (pretty sure she had lost her hearing well before this, and she had chronic rhinitis for years, so smell was pretty much not happening). Looking into her eyes and seeing her trying to grasp on to anything - she had these big, beautiful eyes on a little tiny body, and I've learned now that her retinas were detaching and she was searching and searching and searching for a vision, a smell, anything ... well, I just can't seem to get that out of my head, and she was like that for the whole ride to the vet to say goodbye while I held her in my arms. The one consolation I have is that it wasn't a difficult decision in the end, but that a small drop in a bucket of tears. I hate the word hate, and I hate that that's the last memory I have of her.

I know it'll get better. I've been through this before - I've lost my parents, close friends, and other pets, so I know it just takes time. I just miss her so much, and I'm a jumble of emotions, including a lot of frustration that something so special could be taken away in such an awful way.

Please hug your pets a little tighter for me today, and I'll do the same with mine. 

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Although it sounds as if your kitty had lost so many of her senses, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that she still had the sense of touch, and I'm sure she could feel your hands petting her as you lay on the floor with her, and your warm embrace as you held her in your arms on the ride to the vet. Animals know when they are safe, and surely your Miss Tizzy knew she was loved by you even as you bade her your final farewell. I hope you'll let yourself mourn this loss ~ and find some ways to preserve your memories of her. 

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate it, and just being able to write some of this out and share it with others who may understand is helpful. I've been preparing for this to happen for years, due to the number of health issues she had, all the vet visits, meds, and so forth, even going as far to research in home euthanasia a number of times and trying to get myself mentally prepared for the inevitable day when I would lose her, and yet I'm still woefully unprepared for how hard the reality of it is. 

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Knowing how hard it's going to be does not do anything to diminish how hard it is once we're in the midst of it. Just allow yourself to feel the pain, and know that it's a measure of your love for her.  ❤️

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I am so sorry for your loss..  Knowing ahead of time does nothing to help us through our emotions when the time comes, it hits us like a tsunami!  I went through anticipatory grief with my Arlie (dog) as he had cancer, but it hit me like a ton of bricks, and nothing fills that void of his empty dish, his toys, no presence with me throughout my day, my evenings, no one to accompany me on my walks, no big furry body to hold, no one smiling on the couch, no one to run through the house, playing games with me, he was so full of life, you ask yourself, "Where IS he???"  

It's the hardest thing in the world.  It's nearly two years later and his coat still hangs on my chair, I hold it from time to time, and there it will stay.  I just took the sympathy cards down from my dining room table.  I keep them with other remembrances of him, on the corner of my bedroom where I walk by every day.  I want to erect a sign on his fence that says "Arlie's Fence."  Still waiting to find someone who can make one.  I had it built for him.  My beautiful boy.

With Kitty, she was 25, her liver & kidneys had shut down, it was time, no question, but I swear I thought she'd live forever!  She sure seemed to!  I miss her, she was amazing.  I wrote stories about her and Arlie here, it helped, as if penning their lives would somehow keep them alive...they always will be for me.

We are here to listen, to care, and we understand.  It's the hardest thing in the world.

http://www.griefhealing.com/comfort-grieving-animal-lovers.htm
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

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