Eight Months Of This Nightmare

[LarrysGirl]

Tomorrow will be eight months since Larry died. My brain cannot understand this passage of time. It still seems like yesterday I held his hand. I still don't know how you decide to go on without them. I'd rather go with him than live this life not seeing his face or hearing his voice. My future was just ripped away in that moment and I didn't see it coming. For the first time in my life I had finally felt safe and loved. What possible plan would take him away. He was not ready. He still had hope. He was too young. He loved me. He thought we would win the fight and God did he fight. He was so brave. People tell me that he gave me a gift, his love, his support and encouragement. But I want him with me. Its still hard to breathe without him. How I miss him, always will love you. Deborah

[WaltC]

Tomorrow will be eight months since Larry died. My brain cannot understand this passage of time. It still seems like yesterday I held his hand. I still don't know how you decide to go on without them. I'd rather go with him than live this life not seeing his face or hearing his voice. ...

(((LarrysGirl))) - my heart goes out to you. How well I share your feeling that I would much rather have gone with my Jeannie 15 months ago, but somehow I have still survived as she asked me to.

An unknown Author wrote:

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but ~ I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but ~ I did.

I never thought I'd get through those first days, weeks and months, but ~ I did.

Always missing you,

always loving you,

and thinking of you daily,

with a smile on my face ~

and tears in my heart.

Ted Menten wrote:

“If we are loved and remembered, then we live on forever in the hearts of those who love us.”

Obviously your love for Larry means that a part of him lives on in you and you honour him with those memories.

In a great little book Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman she tells us that “If we didn’t love them, we wouldn’t care so much.”

She adds that “…. down the road, our gratitude for the life of the person will far outstrip the terrible grief that at first seems to take up the whole landscape of our lives.”

I trust that she is right and look forward to that time.

I agree with her when she writes:

“I am grateful, from the bottom of my heart, that I have shared the life of my loved one. And I trust that someday my happiness, as I remember our life together, will far outweigh the grief I feel now.”

I hope that you can find some comfort in these words and that your love for Larry will continue forever.

As Faith Hill's song says - you were blessed to have Larry in your life - we you will always keep a part of him with you and everywhere you are There he will be

[ustwo]

Deborah, I am so sorry. I know they are just words but I do know your pain. Larry did give you the gift of his love. Remember you gave him the gift of your total love. Larry was loved truely....Larry is loved and will always be loved as long as you take breathe and beyond. It hurts so much because of the depth of that love. I will always wish we had more time. All I hang on to now is knowing Gene and I were happy...he was happy and it's not over. You made Larry's life full and happy. Our soulmates completed us, made us whole. Life is so hard just watching the sun come up. You carry Larry's love as no one else can know.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

I relate so much to what you write here...I still can't comprehend anything with my brain...I try really hard not to think about it too deeply, it hurts way too much to process it that far. Maybe that's denial or pushing it back, but it's what I have to do to survive.

[gabrielle_land]

Deborah, I so share your feeling, and I'm very sorry, though I know words won't ever express or won't lessen the pain you feel..but I just want you to know that my prayers are with you and with Larry. Remember he is always with you.

Gaby

[KarenH]

Deborah,

Thank you for responding to my post. My birthday is Aug. 14 and I understand how you feel. However, my friends have planned a tennis outing and dinner which I think is so kind and generous i don't want to let them down. Tennis has been a huge stress reliever for me. I've played since I was a kid, but now i find that I can only think about that ball when it's in play and it takes my mind off things for a while and the exercise relieves a lot of stress. Just a quick birthday story for you...my husband could not drive or speak very well this time last year and had a friend take him to the jewelers. He said he looked all over the store and couldn't find anything he liked and on the way out he spotted a beautiful white gold cross with 3 tiny diamonds. When he gave it to me all he could say was God Help Us. We laughed together and knew it really was our only resort. i will always cherish that moment as I still cherish my life, painful as it can be. Celebrate your birthday...be good to yourself and know you were loved by someone very special.

karenH

[chrissy777]

Deborah,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to tell you how nothing makes sense to me anymore. You think to yourself what the heck did I do to deserve this. Sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I am holding my husbands hand or just think of what he looked like every detail how his nails were always so nice and trim, how his face felt so nice after he had just shaved. It is so hard I totally sympathize with you. For me it has been a little over a month and I cant even imagine it getting easier(although I know someday it just has to) Well please take some comfort in knowing that I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Take care and God bless

Chrissy

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing your story. You guys do better than I do I think...I can't bear to think about my husband that much...sometimes for the briefest of moments I remember what he looked like sleeping next to me...and I can't take it, I have to push the thoughts away. It's been nearly 14 months and sometimes I wonder if it'll ever really get better. The pain in my heart is utter agony and I try not to touch that spot if I can help it...but sometimes something makes it surface and I'm a mess. Last week my sister asked me if I kept our rings...of course I kept our rings, I can never get rid of them, but I can't bear to look at them either, it hurts so bad. Then she asked if I thought George knows I love him. I thought that was an idiotic question to ask, of COURSE he knows I love him, we always knew what each other thought, felt, and all of our motives...that's one reason it's so hard, we were one breath, one whisper, we were one.

Edited August 10, 2006 by kayc