Just Lost My Mom

[aluckyson]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

It's those little perks that brighten our day.  On my other grief site, Gwen is in a rehab place and the only joy in her life right now is playing bingo with the others, she'll win a dollar or two but it does actually brighten her day even though it's not enough to do anything with.  Sometimes it's just seeing something on the upswing.

I love the relationship you and your mom had, it was very special.

So your gas is higher than ours.  The average in our nation is about $5 but the west coast is higher.  I get tired of hearing people from TN complain, there's is $1 cheaper!  
But it's all relative to what you're used to.

I'm glad you have a little room, maybe you won't have to sell, rent is so high here, wages not so much. I think minimum wage is going up to $11.50, Takes double that to live on!

Minimum wage here is $15 which is equivalent to $11.65 in the US.

 

As for Gwen, it's unfortunate that she doesn't have some more things to look forward to but it's good that she has that. It's fun playing even if you don't win. Mom and I always got 2 cards each for Tuesday nights in her final months which would cost a total of $18 (that's a tick under $14 USD). We used to play the Saturday night ones too (which cost us $20 in total, $5 per card) but we didn't like it as much. Anyways, even though we never won together it was fun... even when it was frustrating because they'd keep barely missing our numbers. I love (not past tense, never past tense) my mom more than the world. EVERYONE I've talked to, from people at her work, the women at our bank, the women at our insurance place, the head nurse at our family doctor has said how sweet and how smart she was. Keep in mind that my mom was kind of private outside of work but you couldn't help but to love her. Anyone who didn't like my mom is probably someone who sucks lmao. If I ever find myself a woman who I think of even half as highly as I do my mom, I'll go ring shopping the next morning.

 

I actually had something happen today that I'm PRAAAAAYING works out... I went to the bank to pay a few bills; the women there all knew my mom and sort of know me, and they're super nice. Anyways, one suggested applying to become a teller. Minimum wage they pay at the bank is $20 to start and she said they're always looking for more tellers. She also said that since they're almost always women they a guy might be able to get a fast track in since we're kind of rare. So if I get a chance to work there (knock on wood) and only got 30 hours a week, that $30,000 a year would allow me to not have to worry about finances barring something major. The other great thing is that I live super close to the bank. If I really wanted to in the good weather I could just walk there in about 10 minutes. To drive there round trip would take me like 3 minutes a day.

[kayc]

OMG, Aleck, that would be great!  I hope you get the job!  We are rooting for you!

13 hours ago, aluckyson said:

If I ever find myself a woman who I think of even half as highly as I do my mom, I'll go ring shopping the next morning.

  I get it!  I didn't have that with my parents, but I sure did my late husband, George!  He was a perfect fit for me, I was so lucky, even to have only had him in my life for 6 1/2 years.  He restored my faith in humanity but I also realize and appreciate how rare he was!

[aluckyson]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I hope you get the job!  We are rooting for you!

Wish me luck, I applied online today and am hoping I make it through so that the manager at my local branch can give them a recommendation for me.

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I get it!  I didn't have that with my parents, but I sure did my late husband, George!  He was a perfect fit for me, I was so lucky, even to have only had him in my life for 6 1/2 years.  He restored my faith in humanity but I also realize and appreciate how rare he was!

It's a shame you had such little time with him, but I'm glad that you had it. There's that saying about a light that burns so bright burns half as long. My hope is that we'll all see them again one day. Still not religious, probably won't be (I'm just agnostic) but I do hold a bit of hope that it's how things go.

[kayc]

Some people find it a comforting thought and WISH they believed in the hereafter...I usually tell them to watch videos of the galaxies beyond...when you see how vast the universe is, how amazing and miraculous...how unexplainable, it helps them realize our world is not but a drop in the grand scheme of things, it expands our mind and the possibilities become more real to us...as we begin to contemplate, just maybe...what IF!  I love looking at what is beyond our sphere.  To see how amazing everything is and how it all coexists!

We found each other once, pretty miraculous and we will find each other again!  

13 hours ago, aluckyson said:

Wish me luck, I applied online today and am hoping I make it through so that the manager at my local branch can give them a recommendation for me.

Maybe checking in in person on your application will help, to have a face to put with it and to show interest.  Anything to make you stand out from the others!  Do let us know how it all turns out!  I'm hoping with you!

[aluckyson]

On 6/29/2022 at 7:57 AM, kayc said:

Maybe checking in in person on your application will help, to have a face to put with it and to show interest.  Anything to make you stand out from the others!  Do let us know how it all turns out!  I'm hoping with you!

Unfortunately to do that I'd have to go some place out of province. It's a really weird system.

 

I do have good news though: I had applied at an insurance brokerage last week and I just received an email from one of their offices about half an hour ago to set up a Zoom interview some time next week. Meanwhile, this morning I received a second email from a different place I applied to (hospitality industry) about my interest in a spot; they called me then about 90 minutes ago and tomorrow morning I'll be having an in person interview there.

 

Still hoping to be contacted by the bank for an interview, but right now it looks like some other options are opening up in the meantime.

[kayc]

This is great!  It can be a full time job looking for work, as you are seeing, interviews, etc.  When I was doing it, they didn't do zoom, it was long 100-140 mile round trips!  There are so many more openings now, employees market, when I was looking it was the opposite.  I hope you find just the right fit for YOU!

[sueangel]

On 4/10/2022 at 5:27 PM, aluckyson said:

I'd like to start by saying that I appreciate anyone who may take the time to read or respond to this. I never imagined that I could feel this much pain and a place like this seems to be something that helps many people. It's a needed distraction and we all need to vent. I'm not really sure how to write this post out. It will be bits about my relationship with my mom, a big chunk about her last days, and I think I'll talk about my feelings with things at the end. I hope that it's coherent and not too much of a chore to read despite its length.

 

In the early morning of April 8th, 2022 I lost the smartest, the most reliable and most resourceful person I've ever known. I lost my roommate, my fellow Blue Jays baseball fan, my Jeopardy! opponent and my (relatively new) TV bingo partner. I lost my favourite person to talk to. I lost my rock. I lost my best friend. I lost my mom. She was the person I loved to take care of (her knees were terrible, she suffered from arthritis and getting up and down or even walking was a constant struggle,) cooked all of her meals for her, made her work lunches, did the shopping and cared for the house. I'd like to think that she'd also call me her best friend too. I would be honoured, truly, if she did. I wanted nothing more in the world than to keep this relationship up for many years to come, to be there as her loving son, as her friend. As I write this, I'll be 30 later this year and my mother passed away at 70. Her mind was as strong and as sharp as anyone half her age.

 

It happened quickly and seemingly out of the blue. She became sick around the end of February of this year but nothing seemed serious. There was a bit of time in the beginning of March where she was fatigued and dragging a little, but was pretty much okay. By mid-April she had to be admitted to the hospital for about a week due to being constantly short of breath, sometimes even when just sitting. She was diagnosed with pneumonia (something she had a few times in her life) and a blood clot in one of her lungs. She seemed like she was pretty well while she received care and then she returned home looking like she was on the road to recovery for a few days. Things then deteriorated and I had to call an ambulance one morning before sunrise to rush her to the hospital; this was the last time my mom would grace our home. I hate that the last time she was in the house she had to be taken out on a stretcher by a couple of strangers on a chilly morning. I was able to visit her at the hospital later that same day. She was in critical condition but she could speak to me as best as she could; I thought and hoped that maybe she had just come home too soon the first time and that if she had to stay a week or so and get professional care that it would simply be a little speed bump in regards to having her back to normal. This sadly wasn't the case as about a day and a half later I found myself only being allowed to visit and talk to her for half an hour while clad with a face shield, gloves and a gown before the doctors sedated her and put her on a ventilator.

 

I would never get to speak with her again as things never got better while she was in that state for about a week and a half. On the 7th of April, in the early afternoon I went to visit my mom, just as I did every other day. I sat and talked to her and she seemed pretty stable. As I left after about 90 minutes of visiting I knew that the attending nurse was doing some things to help stabilize her blood pressure which had dropped a little too low a minute or two prior to my leave. It wasn't terribly uncommon for these things to arise so I thought little of it. About two hours later at home I received a call. As I looked at the phone and saw that the caller ID showed that it was the hospital my heart sank. They told me that things were rapidly declining and that I should come back as soon as possible, which I did. Her poor lungs couldn't take much else. The pneumonia she was dealing with hadn't been helped much by any of the various medications and the blood clots couldn't really clear up because they had to stop giving her blood thinners due to her having a bleed in her stomach a few days prior.

 

We (my aunt and grandmother who live a few hours away but were able to be there with us) were told at around 9pm that at this point she really had no hope. We could do one of two things: we could choose to keep her in her current state (which wasn't sustainable) and things could drag on for a few days, or we could choose for her to be taken off of the ventilator until her body could no longer do things on its own. We chose the latter because suffering is the last thing she deserved. They told us it would probably be anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours until she'd be gone. The one thing I personally asked for was for her to make it to midnight/April 8th. As stated early in my post, we're massive Blue Jays fans and the 8th was their Opening Day game. We knew that should couldn't and she didn't make it to the start of the game (which she would have loved as at least one miracle happened for us that day) but I fully believe that she'd have understood why I asked for just a few more hours out of her even if it may seem silly to some.

 

They started the process of letting her body do all of the work on its own at around 1am. We all cried, talked to her and kissed her as she breathed with increasing difficulty and less frequency on her own. I put a phone to her ear a few times and played her the audio of a movie clip that we both love and couple of songs I know she loved. I went to her many times and talked to her in a whisper. I told her how proud I am of her, how I couldn't have asked for anything more from her than more time together. I told her not to be scared and that I understood she always did what she could do for me (which was honestly more than I should have asked from her). I told her that she was a great mom and a great friend. I told her how she was amazing at her job and that she's responsible for so many people being where they are. These were the easiest truths anyone has ever had to tell. I held her, my right arm draped across her stomach and my head on her chest telling her that it was okay to go. In that moment I did my best to comfort her like she did so often for me. I felt her last breath, I felt her leave. When they allowed us to come back in the room later to see her I asked to be the last one to leave. I've always been protective and territorial of her in a way and I needed to one last time, for better or worse. I could barely stop myself from going, finding any excuse to keep giving her kisses on the forehead accompanied by "I love you."

 

I don't know what to do without her. She was my world. She was so consistent. I have no siblings and very little in terms of immediate family (my aforementioned aunt and grandmother who I've never been particularly close with). We live somewhere kind of small and quiet and I have no friends; I can't say that I've had one in many years (which really hasn't bothered me much) outside of her and I'm not an outgoing person. I'm inheriting what my mother had and I'll be relatively secure in regards to a home and funds thanks to her. We're certainly nowhere approaching rich, but my mother was good with her money, responsible and was always looking out for me. I haven't worked in a very long time and I never finished college since it wasn't for me. I've long felt very guilty about not contributing financially. She was always my feeling of security and even in death she's acting dutifully. I don't know what to do. I have no direction. I'm not really an ambitious person. My life was dedicated to being there with and for her. I have so much to figure out and my rock is gone. It's lonely now, the silence is deafening, the thoughts in my mind are swirling and her absence is palpable. For so long, and she'd say the same, all we had was each other. Now I find myself without her. I feel good about my relationship with her; I regret that I didn't hug her more, that I didn't tell her how much I love her as often, that I didn't call her at her office a little more often just to ask about her day. It didn't need to be said and done, I know that she knew, but I do wish it had been said and done more. I'm not sure that I've gone more than a waking hour without breaking down. For close to a week before she died I began sleeping with this sweater/blanket (I'm not sure how to explain what it is) in my bed next to me and I don't know when I'll stop. On top of it all I feel incredible guilt because it feels like I'm making it all about myself.

 

People will say that it gets better. I'm sure that it will hurt less over time. Death isn't unique to my mom or I, but it hurts just as much. All I want is to be with her. If she could see me now I know that she'd be as heartbroken as I am. I have no idea what to do, where to begin or how to go on. It's crushing to think that I may have another 40-60 years to go without her.

I will remember your Mum in prayer now Susan in New Zealand

 

[aluckyson]

Today makes it 3 months now. Hard to believe it's been a quarter of a year since she passed away. It still sucks and it always will, but it's a little easier to deal with especially now that I don't have my grandmother and aunt at my house. I'm still dreading some things like my birthday (October) and my mom's (November) because I know those will be hard, not to mention Christmas without her.

 

For some reason I randomly thought of Halloween the other night while laying in bed; it's not that we did anything on the day, but every year my mom would grab a couple of the boxes of assorted candy and she'd take some in to put on her desk for the people at work and she'd keep some at home for us to snack on for a few months. The thought of it really bummed me out.

[kayc]

The absence of the little things hits us hard...not being able to call my sister or cook for her, visit her with Kodie, just everything!...I did things for her all the time and I'm amazed how much I miss that!  She was my greatest support too.

I'm sorry.  Maybe when those days come, do them for yourself...from her!  
I'm an Oct. baby too (born on a deer hunting trip )!

[aluckyson]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

The absence of the little things hits us hard...not being able to call my sister or cook for her, visit her with Kodie, just everything!...I did things for her all the time and I'm amazed how much I miss that!  She was my greatest support too.

I definitely know what you mean about that. I always cooked for my mom or as I mentioned in a previous post, I would almost always grab us breakfast at Tim Hortons on weekend mornings. It was just a nice little routine thing. It's definitely the talks and just the physical presence though that I miss. On the one hand it's nice that I just eat/cook what I want now when I want since I have no one else to think about for it, but at the same time I'd much much rather have it the way it was before.

 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I'm an Oct. baby too (born on a deer hunting trip )!

Oh wow lol, that's kind of a wild way to come into the world. My birthday is actually right around (and occasionally right on) Canadian Thanksgiving.

[kayc]

Wow, just after mine, which is Oct. 7!  I'm having the big one this year (turning 70, hard to believe)!

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, aluckyson said:

Oh wow lol, that's kind of a wild way to come into the world.

My mom shouldn't have been trudging up and down mountains, carrying a rifle!  That's undoubtedly why I was two months early!

[aluckyson]

4 months now as of early this morning. Still really hard to believe that it's been a third of a year. Two months from now it'll be exactly half a year and it falls on my birthday. Really not looking forward to that at all.

[kayc]

Oh gosh, that is hard, six month mark.  My sister's passing was right before then I think.  It's hard to believe.  It still makes my stomach clutch to think about.  Although I'm starting to get to not thinking, "Oh, I need to tell Peggy this or that!"  It's sinking in.  Reality.  So hard.  I'm sorry for you, I know all too well how hard it is.

[aluckyson]

14 hours ago, kayc said:

Although I'm starting to get to not thinking, "Oh, I need to tell Peggy this or that!"

This is something I still definitely struggle with at times for sure. I used to talk my mom's ear off with things haha. I certainly have that itch to tell her about how I heard some piece of news or saw something when I was out, etc.

 

I still do have little chats with her all of the time and make sure to say goodnight. I still almost always put the baseball game on her TV when it's on too lol. It's still weird and sad to me to think that this will only be the third ever birthday I've had without her (but this one being the first without her literally being around at all,) the second Thanksgiving and the first Christmas and New Year. I think it's going to be maybe only the second time I've not been with her for her birthday either.

[aluckyson]

As of about 15 minutes ago it's officially been half a year since I lost mom. I still can't believe how it both feels so recent and also like it was forever ago. Today is also my 30th birthday and I just wish that it would be over. Not that I ever really celebrate them or anything, but it makes me sad knowing that I won't be spending it with her or at least hearing from her like I did for every other one. It's also Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada so that's just one more reason that this time fo the year will feel weird from here on out.

[kayc]

My birthday was yesterday (Oct. 7), turned 70!

 

[Boho-Soul]

9 hours ago, aluckyson said:

Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada

I'm Canadian too ☺️

This is my 2nd thanksgiving since my late husband died. To me it's just going to feel like another day, not thanksgiving. Last September my doctor decided I should go back to work (it hadn't even been a year since my husband's death). I knew I wasn't ready and hit burnout in 5 weeks (right around thanksgiving). I've been on medical leave ever since trying to recover from both burnout and grief. So I honestly don't remember last years thanksgiving. I probably slept it away.

Happy Birthday aluckyson!

[aluckyson]

Yesterday would've been the one year anniversary of my mom's last day at work, the place that she almost had to be stopped from trying to go to even up until the end. About three hours from now it'll be the one year anniversary of when the ambulance came to pick her up from the house to go to the hospital... it's hard to believe that it's just hours away from the last time she was ever in this house. It's been a pretty lonely year but I've mostly gotten through it okay.

 

It's kind of weird how coincidences work, my mom and I being huge baseball fans. Last year the season opener for our team was on the day that she passed, this year it was yesterday afternoon and its start time would've lined up almost perfectly for her to watch it right when she'd be home from work. It's just a dumb thing I guess but I do wish she would've been able to see that one last opening day game.

 

Anyways, just slightly less than eight more days and it'll officially be one whole year. Not looking forward to that anniversary one bit but I'm hoping that once it's over things will feel a bit better since I won't be thinking about any more "one year" anniversaries.

[kayc]

I remember when my husband died...the "year of firsts without."  It was hard. He died on Father's Day, I made it through 4th of July, Labor Day (always big in our family), forgotten on my bdy (no one remembered that year and it hit me hard how George always made a big deal of it...I cried myself to sleep), Thanksgiving, Christmas (my kids wanted to put up a tree, it was hard), NY (entering the first year in which he didn't live), Valentine's (first w/o him, super tough, my Valentine), by the time it rolled around to Easter I just felt I couldn't do another holiday without him, so I told my kids, no dinner, church, I'm going to treat it like any other day...and I did. The next weekend I had a big dinner for them, no explanation, we just did it.  Made it easier.  Then Mother's Day and last but not least, I had the 19th of June AND Father's Day to remember my loss for it doesn't fall on the same date every year but it was that day, after all.  
And was I glad to be done with the year of firsts without.  I felt I deserved a trophy for making it through, and I think you do too.
To your mom and her game!

 

[MartyT]

7 hours ago, aluckyson said:

Anyways, just slightly less than eight more days and it'll officially be one whole year. Not looking forward to that anniversary one bit but I'm hoping that once it's over things will feel a bit better since I won't be thinking about any more "one year" anniversaries.

Just be aware that, for some of us, the second year can be even harder than the first. Don't set yourself up to expect it to be better, only to be disappointed. It will be whatever it is, and what you decide to make of it.

Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

[kayc]

Also there's these:

Anniversary of a Loved One's Death
Anniversary of Death
Anniversary of death tips
Grief Healing: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief