Do you feel closer to your loved one when the pain is intense?

[Chocolate]

In someways are you afraid to let go of the ache and the pain because you are afraid you will lose the connection to the dearest one in your heart, like it might let somehow let them drift further away? I know in some ways that might not make sense, but....  How do you feel about this?

[scba]

Deleted my comment. Didn't understand the question. 

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, scba said:

It makes complete sense.

At the same time it is a battle that is lost. That is the result of time passing. Nothing else. I write this with a heavy heart. 

They drift away cause they have changed their substance. 

Actually, it's not a matter of them drifting away.  At least it's not for me and my dear one. For each couple it is unique. 

[nashreed]

I'm afraid to let go of the guilt definitely, because that is sometimes the only connection I feel to Annette. 

She suffered for so long, and so I don't feel bad for her. I'm happy for her. I know she's in a better place. She was always a hard worker, with a strong work ethic, and it makes me smile inside thinking of her helping new souls navigate Heaven. I know she's happy. 

I don't know that I ever properly processed my grief. I had the focus of having to move within a month or so. I just carried on and repressed my feelings -as my family does. I actually wish I had that ache in my heart, that deep pain.... But it's just emptiness and loss. I don't know that I can feel love and loss deeply anymore, not until I'm with her again. 

[kayc]

It is not grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that continues still.

I would not say I feel pain has made me feel closer to him, no.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Chocolate said:

you are afraid you will lose the connection to the dearest one in your heart, like it might let somehow let them drift further away? I know in some ways that might not make sense, but....

No, that makes perfect sense, this is common feeling in early (first few years) grief.  But I made a conscious effort to let go of that thinking.

[Roxi]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

that makes perfect sense, this is common feeling in early (first few years) grief.  But I made a conscious effort to let go of that thinking.

I agree...in the first times you are afraid to lose him if you are not grieving painfully for him...but then you luckily understand that is not your pain that determine your love or you connections to him...and that kind of terrible suffer is a torture that no loved ones wish you to come trough! The pain is inevitable...we lose our soulmate! But be able to get rid from hopeless sorrow is a huge step on your road to heal...for me it was and it's a relief think at him miss him without break me in two...

[Chocolate]

12 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm afraid to let go of the guilt definitely, because that is sometimes the only connection I feel to Annette. 

She suffered for so long, and so I don't feel bad for her. I'm happy for her. I know she's in a better place. She was always a hard worker, with a strong work ethic, and it makes me smile inside thinking of her helping new souls navigate Heaven. I know she's happy. 

I don't know that I ever properly processed my grief. I had the focus of having to move within a month or so. I just carried on and repressed my feelings -as my family does. I actually wish I had that ache in my heart, that deep pain.... But it's just emptiness and loss. I don't know that I can feel love and loss deeply anymore, not until I'm with her again. 

Since the guilt helps you feel the connection, it's understandable you hold on to it.  To me deep pain, the ache and the loss are all part of the same thing.  I'm happy for my husband too, but....

[Chocolate]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

No, that makes perfect sense, this is common feeling in early (first few years) grief.  But I made a conscious effort to let go of that thinking.

What I'm talking about is the fear of losing the connection.  It is an emotional reaction, not a logical one.  There are all kinds of ways my mind, heart and soul considers this.

[Chocolate]

32 minutes ago, Roxi said:

I agree...in the first times you are afraid to lose him if you are not grieving painfully for him...but then you luckily understand that is not your pain that determine your love or you connections to him...and that kind of terrible suffer is a torture that no loved ones wish you to come trough! The pain is inevitable...we lose our soulmate! But be able to get rid from hopeless sorrow is a huge step on your road to heal...for me it was and it's a relief think at him miss him without break me in two...

I feel all of the above that you are talking about.  I am glad I have the opportunity to grow through this and all it brings.  On the other hand I am still experiencing all of the five stages of grief, and yes, for me they are all real. 

[nashreed]

I wish that I could just feel connected to anything. I miss the conversations we used to have. We talked about anything- the news, her dreams, her feelings... My family only talks about TV and news in the simplest, superficial way. I know exactly what they're going to say before they say it. Annette could always surprise me. I guess I'm starved for attention. What I wouldn't give for even a friend to text with. I feel so abandoned. I used to get dirty spam texts- I don't even get those anymore. C'mon.

To connect with her, I ordered up her hospital records from her last stay there, and I slowly go through them, just happy to see any little new bit of new information about her. Reading the nurses notes about how apologetic she was about not finishing her lunch or something. I just don't want her to see me in terrible grief down here, although I feel it in me. I want her to be happy and at peace and not worry about me. 

[V. R.]

On 9/27/2022 at 5:39 PM, Chocolate said:

you afraid to let go of the ache and the pain because you are afraid you will lose the connection to the dearest one in

My answer is no. This has never crossed my mind really, that I may lose my connection if I let go of my aches and pains.

I would say yes to the thread title question, though. Perhaps I do feel him closer when I have one of my intense grief breakdowns (that's what I call them). The fact  is that I am still in the same situation I was the day I lost him twenty two and a half months ago, if not worse. I am constantly in pain for my soulmate, he is constantly on my mind, wherever I am, whatever I do, he is still a part of me, will always be. I still feel like a half person, still seems so unreal, still can't believe he won't be coming back to me. So unexpected and sudden, so soon. Not one day has passed  when I haven't cried, only when I'm alone though, especially while driving. I have always avoided letting my two children see me crying, it would just upset them even more. Just this morning I nearly burst into tears when I went to the  supermarket, I thought of running out again but luckily I managed to gain control of myself.  Some days I just can't bear it, I find myself 'looking for' him, calling out to him, asking where he is. I may have moments of solace every now and then when I manage to smile and participate in a lively cheerful discussion, without feeling depressed, but even  those moments are very feeble , they don't last long and they very quickly become over-shadowed by my pain. 

 

[Chocolate]

4 hours ago, nashreed said:

I wish that I could just feel connected to anything. I miss the conversations we used to have. We talked about anything- the news, her dreams, her feelings... My family only talks about TV and news in the simplest, superficial way. I know exactly what they're going to say before they say it. Annette could always surprise me. I guess I'm starved for attention. What I wouldn't give for even a friend to text with. I feel so abandoned. I used to get dirty spam texts- I don't even get those anymore. C'mon.

To connect with her, I ordered up her hospital records from her last stay there, and I slowly go through them, just happy to see any little new bit of new information about her. Reading the nurses notes about how apologetic she was about not finishing her lunch or something. I just don't want her to see me in terrible grief down here, although I feel it in me. I want her to be happy and at peace and not worry about me. 

My thought is that she is embracing you in her love.

[Chocolate]

28 minutes ago, V. R. said:

My answer is no. This has never crossed my mind really, that I may lose my connection if I let go of my aches and pains.

I would say yes to the thread title question, though. Perhaps I do feel him closer when I have one of my intense grief breakdowns (that's what I call them). The fact  is that I am still in the same situation I was the day I lost him twenty two and a half months ago, if not worse. I am constantly in pain for my soulmate, he is constantly on my mind, wherever I am, whatever I do, he is still a part of me, will always be. I still feel like a half person, still seems so unreal, still can't believe he won't be coming back to me. So unexpected and sudden, so soon. Not one day has passed  when I haven't cried, only when I'm alone though, especially while driving. I have always avoided letting my two children see me crying, it would just upset them even more. Just this morning I nearly burst into tears when I went to the  supermarket, I thought of running out again but luckily I managed to gain control of myself.  Some days I just can't bear it, I find myself 'looking for' him, calling out to him, asking where he is. I may have moments of solace every now and then when I manage to smile and participate in a lively cheerful discussion, without feeling depressed, but even  those moments are very feeble , they don't last long and they very quickly become over-shadowed by my pain. 

 

I understand what you are saying.  How old are your kids?  I assume you are trying to hold it together for them. For me it's been 8 months today.  Everything I do when I'm out and about takes emotional energy that I don't have.  I am working on not feeling miserable all the time.  It takes concentrated effort.  I watch movies that are loving and touching and some about death.  This is to help me work it through.  Today I had to make some business decisions and that was hard, without him.  It absolutely sucks.  But I am also getting in touch with my spirit guides and my husband - in spirit.  I write down the exchanges in journal form.  It helps.

[nashreed]

I wish I could get in touch with my spirit guides- I'm not sure who they would be. Annette must be so frustrated with me. I can't meditate. I can't shut down my brain and focus and relax- even though I try to be blase' about everything, I still worry about stupid stuff constantly. If there was such a thing around here, I would love to go to a meditation/yoga (well, I don't think I could do yoga) type place. I wouldn't get any encouragement from my family. They think it's absolutely stupid to entertain any type of spiritual or meditative pursuits. 

[Chocolate]

14 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I wish I could get in touch with my spirit guides- I'm not sure who they would be. Annette must be so frustrated with me. I can't meditate. I can't shut down my brain and focus and relax- even though I try to be blase' about everything, I still worry about stupid stuff constantly. If there was such a thing around here, I would love to go to a meditation/yoga (well, I don't think I could do yoga) type place. I wouldn't get any encouragement from my family. They think it's absolutely stupid to entertain any type of spiritual or meditative pursuits. 

Ask for them to come to you.  Trust that they are there.  It took me a long time for me to know who mine were and to be aware of it.  Don't tell your family.  My family never believed in that either.

[nashreed]

Well, now that I live at home, my Mom is always up in my beeswax- even though I have virtually no life. I don't tell her about talking to Annette or anything personal, but if I were ever to go seek outside guidance and support (for anything), she would know (or try to at least grill me about where I was).

[Chocolate]

5 minutes ago, nashreed said:

Well, now that I live at home, my Mom is always up in my beeswax- even though I have virtually no life. I don't tell her about talking to Annette or anything personal, but if I were ever to go seek outside guidance and support (for anything), she would know (or try to at least grill me about where I was).

You ask for your guides to come to you...you don't tell your mom.  You talk to them in your head, even if it feels like you are talking to no one.  There are yoga things online, places that have classes.  You can go to Youtube and search for yoga  and meditation stuff there.  Do a search for online classes. 

[kayc]

On 9/28/2022 at 8:29 AM, Chocolate said:

What I'm talking about is the fear of losing the connection.  It is an emotional reaction, not a logical one.  There are all kinds of ways my mind, heart and soul considers this.

It can be overcome through logic, from my experience.

 

[nashreed]

I'm reliving her passing... because it is a tangible connection to her. The last time I saw her alive, the last things she said and did. I remember that she had had a drink of water and had spilled a little on the floor. Even though it wasn't much and it wasn't in her path, I still immediately wiped it up (hardwood floor), because my instinct was always "What If it caused her to fall?"

There is one aspect to her death that I cannot get past. She had a severe low blood sugar that night- so low that the EMT's weren't able to get it back up. She had chronic kidney disease and her blood sugar was getting impossible for her to control. I really wanted her to get an insulin pump, but she was stubborn- she always managed it before....One of the odd things about that night, besides her not calling out for me and me not instinctively waking up to help her like I often did, was that she chose something strange to eat to get her sugar up. She always had easy to eat candy around in case of low blood sugars (she could have had milk or peanut butter), but she chose "Red Vines" (licorice) for some stupid reason- just tried to chew/stuff down a few strands. I don't know if she just was so out of it or what, but the EMT'S found a wad of them in her throat and her doctor believes she choked on them. I don't think that's possible. I found her on the floor, after falling out of her wheelchair, and she was snoring... She was really in a low blood sugar attack, but her breathing sounded normal to me- I don't think it was the candy obstructing her airway as much as she couldn't get the licorice to get her sugar up. The EMT'S couldn't find a vein (always a problem with her) to administer glucose and she was completely out of it. The low blood sugar led to cardiac arrest as far as I can discern, but her doctor believes it was a stupid and preventable accident and I can't accept that possibility. I can't live with that answer, because the guilt of that is too much. It's absolutely stupid to go through this stuff again, and I probably feel like I deserve to be tortured by this all again. But it's all I have. 

[Chocolate]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

It can be overcome through logic, from my experience.

Logic certainly can help pull a person out of the pits.

 

[Chocolate]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

It can be overcome through logic, from my experience.

 

 

1 minute ago, Chocolate said:

 

Logic certainly can help pull a person out of the pits. 

[Chocolate]

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm reliving her passing... because it is a tangible connection to her. The last time I saw her alive, the last things she said and did. I remember that she had had a drink of water and had spilled a little on the floor. Even though it wasn't much and it wasn't in her path, I still immediately wiped it up (hardwood floor), because my instinct was always "What If it caused her to fall?"

There is one aspect to her death that I cannot get past. She had a severe low blood sugar that night- so low that the EMT's weren't able to get it back up. She had chronic kidney disease and her blood sugar was getting impossible for her to control. I really wanted her to get an insulin pump, but she was stubborn- she always managed it before....One of the odd things about that night, besides her not calling out for me and me not instinctively waking up to help her like I often did, was that she chose something strange to eat to get her sugar up. She always had easy to eat candy around in case of low blood sugars (she could have had milk or peanut butter), but she chose "Red Vines" (licorice) for some stupid reason- just tried to chew/stuff down a few strands. I don't know if she just was so out of it or what, but the EMT'S found a wad of them in her throat and her doctor believes she choked on them. I don't think that's possible. I found her on the floor, after falling out of her wheelchair, and she was snoring... She was really in a low blood sugar attack, but her breathing sounded normal to me- I don't think it was the candy obstructing her airway as much as she couldn't get the licorice to get her sugar up. The EMT'S couldn't find a vein (always a problem with her) to administer glucose and she was completely out of it. The low blood sugar led to cardiac arrest as far as I can discern, but her doctor believes it was a stupid and preventable accident and I can't accept that possibility. I can't live with that answer, because the guilt of that is too much. It's absolutely stupid to go through this stuff again, and I probably feel like I deserve to be tortured by this all again. But it's all I have. 

I have chronic low blood sugar.   I have to get the right food source at the right time to help me when my blood sugar drops too low.  Most of the medical community does not believe in chronic low blood sugar.  I've had it for over 50 years.  So they negate the things I tell them about mine.  James, you are right.  They are wrong in there assessment.  They Are Wrong!

[kayc]

I am sorry you struggle with this challenge, chocolate!  I used to have meds that sent me on lows, I got off them, very scary!  I never have lows on keto and am controlling my BS with diet and exercise.  I feel for you!

[Chocolate]

3 minutes ago, kayc said:

I am sorry you struggle with this challenge, chocolate!  I used to have meds that sent me on lows, I got off them, very scary!  I never have lows on keto and am controlling my BS with diet and exercise.  I feel for you!

We all have things wrong with us.  The only medications I take are for high blood pressure.  They are necessary.  Trying various other natural things kept my blood pressure too high. I tried it for years. Thanks, though.