I'm lonely, leave me alone.

[nashreed]

It seems that this is the way it is for us widows/widowers now. I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered. You'd rather be reading or doing something solitary, even though you could be talking with someone. Often it's more trouble and bother than it's worth or you don't get anything out of it, so you shy away from engaging- even while you're desperately lonely at the same time. 

I just this past week reached out to a former boss of mine on Facebook, who lives in Iceland now. She's married, but has a lot of baggage going on that I can relate to, so it's nice to kind of chat about her way of dealing with anxiety. Plus, her living in such a faraway country is fascinating and intriguing. Yet, today I just don't have anything to say. My life is beyond pathetic, and it's honestly just easier to not message her, because as lonely as I am, it's just messaging- it's not human contact, not face to face. Face to face conversation is scary and (besides with my family) I find it impossible to initiate. Ultimately, a long distance friendship via text or whatever is unfulfilling, because it's not really involving yourself in someone's life, you're just a "virtual" person to them- real but not really. 

What I want is to be with Annette and it's impossible. Next would be to have a relationship with another woman as a friend or something more, but it's also impossible. Probably even more so. As a man (and without getting gross), it's very depressing to know you'll never have another intimate relationship again- like a kid knowing they'll never have another Christmas. There's nothing to look forward to. 

So, ultimately, we can choose to have conversations or contact, but it's not the kind we want, with who we want it to be with. It's just very sad, and I wish I could just close this book of life. I'm bored with it. 

James

[Boho-Soul]

52 minutes ago, nashreed said:

I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered. You'd rather be reading or doing something solitary, even though you could be talking with someone. Often it's more trouble and bother than it's worth or you don't get anything out of it, so you shy away from engaging- even while you're desperately lonely at the same time. 

Everyone in different when it comes to the level of connection they need or want. I suppose it's different if the person who calls holds you hostage in the conversation by only talking about themselves for hours, or does nothing but complain over and over while doing nothing to change their situation or circumstance, that would be exhausting and unproductive. I'd definately set boundaries around how often I talk with them. (My sister had one of those friends and had to set boundaries to not get sucked into the rabbit hole every time they called.)

If a friend called to have a reciprocal conversation I would definately welcome it.

58 minutes ago, nashreed said:

So, ultimately, we can choose to have conversations or contact, but it's not the kind we want, with who we want it to be with. It's just very sad.

You're right James, the key word is 'choose'. I thinks that's one of the challenges of moving forward from our loss, to choose to find others, and to build new connections with. The thing to remember it that it will be a different connection than it was with our spouse. They'd be a different person, we're different now too, so the conversations would be different. What is life if not change. Isn't there a saying, something like, "Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

[V. R.]

11 hours ago, nashreed said:

It seems that this is the way it is for us widows/widowers now. I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered. You'd rather be reading or doing something solitary, even though you could be talking with someone. Often it's more trouble and bother than it's worth or you don't get anything out of it, so you shy away from engaging- even while you're desperately lonely at the same time. 

I just this past week reached out to a former boss of mine on Facebook, who lives in Iceland now. She's married, but has a lot of baggage going on that I can relate to, so it's nice to kind of chat about her way of dealing with anxiety. Plus, her living in such a faraway country is fascinating and intriguing. Yet, today I just don't have anything to say. My life is beyond pathetic, and it's honestly just easier to not message her, because as lonely as I am, it's just messaging- it's not human contact, not face to face. Face to face conversation is scary and (besides with my family) I find it impossible to initiate. Ultimately, a long distance friendship via text or whatever is unfulfilling, because it's not really involving yourself in someone's life, you're just a "virtual" person to them- real but not really. 

What I want is to be with Annette and it's impossible. Next would be to have a relationship with another woman as a friend or something more, but it's also impossible. Probably even more so. As a man (and without getting gross), it's very depressing to know you'll never have another intimate relationship again- like a kid knowing they'll never have another Christmas. There's nothing to look forward to. 

So, ultimately, we can choose to have conversations or contact, but it's not the kind we want, with who we want it to be with. It's just very sad, and I wish I could just close this book of life. I'm bored with it. 

James

The title for this thread is very appropriate James, the paradox is evident too. Feeling lonely usually means we would appreciate new company, connections, conversations, but listening to them talking only about their fulfilling  lives, not asking once how we are coping, just makes us feel even more lonely, so we'd rather be left alone. I feel like I'm in a Catch 22 situation, I never make the first move to contact anyone as I have no desire to chat about 'this and that', on the other hand I feel let down by people who just don't bother contacting me anymore, or haven't even bothered to contact me at all. I read somewhere a phrase which particularly touched me: "If you mention his/her name, I may cry, but it you don't, you will break my heart". 

[nashreed]

That's very true, V.R. No one wants to talk about Annette. There's probably close friends of hers that faded away years ago that have no idea she's gone. 

I honestly don't have any "people skills", so to maintain any kind of friendship for me is a miracle. This former workmate (boss) is pretty odd and quirky themselves, so I might be able to keep up direct messaging for a while, but it probably will eventually fade like all my friendships do. 

 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

I see a lot of your posts saying that people are calling you, wanting to talk for two hours (about themselves usually) and you can't be bothered.

It's the same old same old...not interesting, uplifting, funny, nada.  Had SIL do it again last night (never get off under 1 1/2 hours and I've TOLD her my cuddle time with Kodie is precious to me, NOT to call after dinner and I eat early!  She called when I was letting Kodie out for his last pee and needing to load the fire, then sit down with Kodie.  No thank you, I let it go to answering machine, where it'll go to until a week from the last time I let her ramble.  VERY annoyed she keeps doing this!  I'm beginning to think she's mental. 

16 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

does nothing but complain over and over

This is what I'm sick with!  George and I can talk a long time but it's different because we have something to talk about and it's always different, not same old same old.  But then we only talk once every week or two.

16 hours ago, Boho-Soul said:

If a friend called to have a reciprocal conversation I would definately welcome it.

Yep, but I don't seem to have "friends" anymore, not nearby anyway.

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

"If you mention his/her name, I may cry, but it you don't, you will break my heart". 

Wow, very powerful and true.

 

5 hours ago, nashreed said:

This former workmate (boss) is pretty odd and quirky themselves, so I might be able to keep up direct messaging for a while

Personally I'm glad you at least have some contact because she sounds interesting and you seemed to connect, so don't neglect the messaging too long!  We need some connection, although I tend to feel like you lately, just staying to myself.  I don't see others reaching out since I burned my hand, it's been over six weeks.

[kayc]

For some reason I woke up with you on my mind, wondering how you're doing.  I rather imagine you're kind of where the rest of us are, having realized/accepted they are gone although not liking/agreeing with it, but missing them each and every day and the life we had with them.  My life is now survival.  Growing old alone is not for the faint hearted.  71 now.  Are you still with your mom and brother?

[nashreed]

Oh, thank you. That's kind of you to think of me. I still read what posts there are, though there's not much activity these days, as you know. 

My need to "vent"...well, I guess I got it out of my system. I still feel guilt some days, I'm still lonely most days...but I continue to exist. I don't have a choice. I do see a counselor now, and I guess that fulfills my need to talk for an hour a week. 

I still live with my mom and brother. I don't see that ever changing. One day, my mom will be gone and I'll be stuck picking up my brother's crusty drawers from the bathroom floor like my mom does now. Joy. 

I hope all is well with you all. I know it's always rough in the winter, KayC, but you persevere. May God bless you all. 

James

 

[kayc]

Glad to hear you're doing okay!  It's been quiet since Gwen disappeared.  Still think about her and wonder how she is.  Worried about her.

Yeah, winters can be rough here, been hard this year, my well went out less than 3 weeks ago.  Still awaiting the bill, est. $5-6k.  He mentioned $3,750 roughly but hadn't added it up yet.  Then Eugene got slammed with a huge ice storm that shut them down, so I imagine he's still dealing with the aftermath of surrounding area, Springfield, Lowell, Creswell, Pleasant Hill, Dexter, Cottage Grove.  I haven't gotten groceries in a month so plan to go Monday (100 mile round trip) weather permitting.