Newly Widowed And Lost

[chrissy777]

Hello,

I lost my husband Jason to cancer on July 5th 2006. He was undergoing a bone marrow transplant and his outlook was very good. Something went horribly wrong and he died so quickly. I am 24 years old Jason was 36. I am currently 32 weeks pregnant with our first child. I am so happy to be expecting this child but I am so sad and scared. I see all the baby shows with a mother and father and I know that I cant have that. I also feel like I didnt get any closure because it happened so quickly I couldnt be with him. All these thoughts run through my head like was he scared was he longing for me to be there. I regret not being there and telling him how much I love him and not to worry about me and the baby. I have so many things to say I could go on and on. I have never felt so alone in this world. Before I met Jason I was very independent but know I feel like I cant do anything on my own. And event though I have family and friends (Thank God) I still feel so very alone. Our wedding anniversary is next week and I am so nervous about how I wil be. I was wondering if and when it gets any easier. I know it has only been 2 weeks since he died but I feel like I have been crying and lost for an eternity. I feel so bad for everyone in here and I know its hard to make someone understand what you are going through unless they have gone through it as well. I realize that now more than ever. Well thank you all for listening and God bless

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

First of all I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am glad that you found this site.

My wife died 3 1/2 months ago from a heart attack while we were on vacation in Florida with our 7 year old and another family that we are close to.

Being that it has only been 2 weeks, it will seem like an enterity, it will get easier. The first 3 months were a living He--! But looking back I could see my progress. Just take things one day at a time and pray, God will give you the strength to get through this. I know it will be hard especially when the baby is born because you will wish he was there in person. He will be there in spirit, he will know what the baby looks like and all. Karen and I had our 11th anniversary about a couple of weeks before she died, however we were waiting until we got back from Disney world before we celebrated it, we never got the chance, so I haven't gotten to the anneversary part yet. Just know there are a lot of people that will be here for you, you will feel alone even though you have family near, God knows I do. But it will get better.

[kayc]

chrissy777,

I am so sorry you lost your husband. I can't imagine anything being worse although a friend of mine lost his little three year old girl and he can't imagine anything being worse even though it's been 19 years since it happened, he still remembers like it was yesterday.

It has only been two weeks for you...that is the worst most hellish time, but I remember that during the first two weeks I still had people around and purpose...there was a lot to do, dealing with the memorial service, getting pictures together for his kids, dealing with paperwork, notifying people, etc. It was the couple of months afterwards that were hard for me, when the house was quiet, my kids had gone back to their lives and I had to face my weekends alone while in the rest of the world "couples" went on with their lives. I still hate it. My husband died on Father's Day a year ago and last summer is a blur for me...all I remember is grieving, talking, writing, I missed the summer without even noticing it took place. Basically, since then, I have tried to keep busy, drown out the empty spaces with people and activity, try not to think too deeply. I cried so much...eventually I tired of crying and tried to push it away and not go there so deeply. I don't even care if that's healthy or not, I just know I have to do what I have to do to survive. Everyone does it differently and has to find their own way, and I don't think we can judge how another handles it. It's the hardest thing in the world and the fact that we are even surviving this attests to our strength. That is little consolation however...we didn't ask to be strong, we just asked to be with our Love. The one thing I've learned is that we don't get what we want and we have to make the best of what we do have...but that's easier said than done. It's painful and we go through bouts of anger, pain, confusion, hurt, denial, you name it. And just when we think we're doing okay, it hits us again, like waves slapping us. It seems unending. But you do learn to live with it. People used to tell me (when it was newly fresh) that I just needed to give it time. At the time that didn't help, I couldn't rush time and it didn't feel like it'd ever be any better and I didn't feel I could bare it. But it is true, it does take time. But the truth is, time doesn't ease all, there is a huge amount you just have to live with and bare up under.

All I know is, we're all going through the same thing and we do understand and care and it has helped tremendously to come on line here and share our feelings, to vent, to encourage someone, to feel like we're not so alone or crazy.

You're going to have a little baby...HIS baby, that will be a comfort and a blessing as you will have something of him besides just memories in your heart...but it will also be hard as you will single parent without having that other person to share in the joys and hardships of it. Hopefully, family, his and yours, will step in and help to fill the gap in that role. That can make a huge difference. Try not to worry about the future or the big picture, but take one day at a time. Try to just get through this day, this hour, this minute...break it down into more biteable chunks. And remember the Serenity Prayer...God granting me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Some people will say stupid things to you...religious platitudes, stuff like that. Remember that some things just happen and try not to figure it all out. God does love us but sometimes it's hard to feel like it when our hearts are ripped out...and sometimes it takes a while to make our peace with that. That's okay too. He's a God with big shoulders and He can take a lot, even all of your hurting inside feelings...let it all out...to Him, to us. That's what we're here for. Come here any time you want, you won't be bothering us, we need to hear from each other and it is therapeutic.

Good luck in your journey...that's what this is, it's not something that gets "over and done with"...but it is a journey, and it is all of ours.

Edited July 22, 2006 by kayc

[Guest PattiZ54]

Chrissy - I, too, am so sorry for your loss. Losing your spouse has got to be one of the worst things anyone ever has to go through. Both you and your husband were so young and my heart goes out to you! KayC said it perfectly. Everything she said is exactly how I feel.

I lost my husband 20 months ago to cancer and he was 46. I was outside, this morning, watering the yard...thinking about him and how much I miss him - but what can you do? Nothing except live with it. It's not going to be easy, but we're all on this journey - together - we're all here for you.

I'm so excited that you're going to have a baby! That's the most precious gift Jason could have given you - his child. I know it's going to be tough, but you HAVE to take care of yourself! Eat, get lots of rest (while you can - just take care of the baby and you.

I'm glad you found us. We're here to listen and help if we can. As KayC said, one day at a time. It's the only way to get through this.

My thoughts are with you.

Edited July 23, 2006 by PattiZ54

[kellymarie]

Chrissy, When I read your story, it absolutely broke my heart. I am so sorry for your loss. And I am so sorry that your wedding aniversary is coming up so soon, too much too deal with in such a short time. I just wanted to mention a great book I have read Companion through the Darkness: Inner Dialogues on Grief by Stephanie Ericsson. I think it's one of the few books that grasps at the intense grief at the beginning. The author was 2 and a half months pregnant when her husband died; I thought of this book when I hear about what you are going through. Again, I am so sorry for your loss but we are here to listen whenever you need us. Kelly

[chrissy777]

Thank you all very much for your sincereity and caring. I was wondering if anyone else here had lost someone and had a very hard time dealing with the fact that you were not there when they died. This has been one of the hardest things I have had to face. I just have so many things running through my head. I never got to say goodbye. The last time my husband and I talked neither of us had any idea he was going to pass. I think in a way it makes it harder for me to say that he is gone. I also feel that I should have been there to kiss him and hold him and tell him I love him. I know I could drive myself crazy with the what ifs, but I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice on dealing with this. Thank you all again, God bless.

Chrissy

[gabrielle_land]

Chrissy, I’m so sorry for your loss.. I’m sure Jason is always with you, looking up for you and your baby, I think having his baby is the most beautiful gift he could give to you, and as Patti says, take good care of yourself, for you and the baby that will be a ray of light in this difficult times.

I didn't have the chance to say goodbye to my Chris, the last time I spoke with him he said he was going to rest cause of a fieber.. and I think every single day "if only I had known that was the last time" How much I would have said.. and knowing once in the hospital he wanted me to be by his side and not been able.. I understand the feeling you're talking about, but remember something, it was not your fault, I keep telling myself that. Jason knows you love him and you wanted to be with him until that very last moment, he knows it, and he loves you. Don't blame yourself for not been there physically, cause your heart and soul were always with him, and so he is now with you.

A big hug for you, take care, Gaby

[chrissy777]

Thank you kelly I actually went out and bought that book today. She sounds just like me. The whole felling she got as her husband was dying even though she hadnt known. I felt like someone took my breath away and all I wanted to do was talk to my husband when he started to go bad and no one would let me talk to him. I felt this at 2 pm and when I went to the hospital to see my husbands body the doctor told me he started going bad at 2pm. I knew he was going to die. No one listened to me. He was 120 miles away and I couldnt get there. It also touched me how the author writes all the thoughts that were going through her mind like did you know you were dying? Did you see death? etc. My biggest question was were you scared? I know asking myself these questions isnt going to help but I just cant help but do it. Well anyways thank you very much for the reccomendation It helped me release some tears that needed to be released today. God Bless

Chrissy

[kellymarie]

Chrissy, I am so glad that you were able to get the book and that it helped release those tears. I think it's okay to ask those questions, to talk to Jason and ask him everything you are wondering. I've been asking some questions over and over and over. I think it's part of the process. Slowly, I've stopped asking some of my questions but I never ignored them. Right now I keep asking Josh (often out loud), "Did you know that you died?" because I'm having a hard time believing it's real. Kelly

[kayc]

I think those questions come to all of us. When George was in the hospital and started having his heart attack, his eyes told me he knew he was dying but he couldn't talk, the pain was so great, it was all he could do just to go through it...and they made me leave. I wanted to be there too. I think it's so hard to not be able to be there for the one that is the rest of you...you know? He was like an extension of myself, we weren't like separate people completely. I just wanted to say so much to him...and like you, I was worried that he was scared, I wanted to ease that.

Edited July 27, 2006 by kayc

[chrissy777]

Kayc,

Thank you for your response. That so far has been one of the hardest things. Even though I know my husband wouldnt wanted me to see him intubated and getting cpr. He always asked me to leave when he was getting sick and vomitting. I just feel like I wasnt doing what a wife should be doing by not being there. It upsets me because I was out enjoying myself that day shopping with my mother inlaw and sister in law. When I started to feel as though something was wrong I actually said to my in laws "I dont want Jason to die" and they were like what? Hes fine. I knew he wasnt. Weird huh? And when I called asking questions no one at the hospital had answers for me. They were quick to tell me that I couldnt talk to him. I was having trouble for a while eating while I guess that is to be expected I just cannot enjoy food. To me its like its only purpose is to keep me alive. My husband and I use to go out to eat and enjoyed food so much. All I can think about is his last week of life how he couldnt eat anything. There was a day when I was visiting him in the hospital he asked me if I could get him a cheeseburger to try. He took like 2 bites and got so very sick. Needless to say I am not fond of cheeseburgers anymore. There are many things I hate like the PA turnpike( the road traveled to the hospital and not to mentiontopick up my husbands ashes. I hate Philadelphia no offense to philadelphians there are wonderful things about it I guess if my husband died here I would hate my home. Well I guess I must be having some of that anger phase that everyone talks about. Thanks for listening God Bless

Chrissy

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

Don't beat yourself up about not being there, and being out shopping. There is no way you could have know that something was going to happen while you were out. I was there while they were working on Karen. I used to work on an ambulance so I know what they were doing and even while they were trying to explain to me in laymens terms what was going on I was like just tell me what is going on I used to ride an ambulance so I know what the terms mean, I just want to know if she will be allright. Now, looking at it, yeah I knew what they were doing and all, but it is very hard when it is someone you love, to see them being worked on and such. Believe me from what you have said, Jason would not have wanted you to see him like that. Just like when Carson wanted to see Mommy, we had to wait so they could clean her up. You will be fine, there isn't anything you need to feel guilty about. As far as not liking Philly, I can't help you there. Hang in there.

[chrissy777]

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your input and kind words. I just wanted to share that I am having one of the best days so far since Jason's death. Its so weird because for the past few days I was so angry and depressed but today I was working in the babies nursery and I just feel this sense of calm and peace. I know there will be many more rough days ahead and although I feel this way today I still miss Jason sooooo much. I hope these next two months fly by so the baby will be here to keep giving me this peaceful feeling. I wish there was a way I could pass this feeling around to everyone here and who is greiveing. Take care everyone and God Bless.

Chrissy

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

So glad to hear you are having a great day!! There will be more of those to come. You are doing great, you will have to keep us informed on your pregnancy, I will be praying for you and your baby's health.

[chrissy777]

Hello everyone,

I got through our anniversary today by staying very busy. Its so hard to beleive only 2 years. I feel like I loved him a lifetime. I put a nice memorial in the paper for today. Funny how people around you dont like to talk about what happened. I find it so funny because for the past month I have focused so much on Jason's death and the what if's and the maybe he is coming home still. You really cant say much to people I guess people dont like to talk about such taboo things. Oh well Im glad there are places like this to talk with others who have had the same cards delt ( although it is very unfortunate that that is why we are here. God Bless

Chrissy

[dpodesta]

chrissy,

Glad to hear that today went good for you. I continue to pray for you and your unborn baby. Please keep in touch on how things are going.

[chrissy777]

Hello again,

I hope everyone is doing well I keep everyone in my prayers. I wanted to share a beautiful poem my mother gave me. She said when she was shopping it was like something was pointing her to it and I beleive that something actually someone was my husband. It made me feel like it was him talking to me.

Its called WHEN TOMARROW STARTS WITHOUT ME..

When tomarrow starts without me, and Im not there to see

if the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me

I wish so much you would not cry the way you did today,

while thinking of the many things we didnt get to say

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you

and each time you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomarrow starts without me please try to understand,

that an angel came and called to me and gently took my hand,

and said my place was ready in heaven far above,

and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

As I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,

for all my life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for and so much left to do,

it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you,

I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had,

If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a little while,

I'd say goodbye and kiss you, and maybe see you smile,

Then I fully realized that this could never be,

for emptiness and memories would take the place of me,

When I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomarrow.

I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heavens gates, I felt so much at home.

When God looked down and smiled at me from His great golden throne,

He said "This is eternity and all I've promised you.

Today, for life on earth has past, here it starts anew.

I promise no tomarrows, but today will always last,

and since each days the same day, there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting, so true,

though there have been times you did some things you knew you shouldnt do

But you have been forgiven and now at last your free

Won't you come and take my hand and share this life with me?

So when tomarrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,

for everytime you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

[kellymarie]

Chrissy, Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem. It's nice to hear how you've been doing. I think it's so wonderful that Jason was able to tell you all of this. I will try to remember this also when "tomorrow starts...." Kelly

[dpodesta]

Chrissy,

Thank you so much for sharing that, I have tears in my eyes while reading it, but at the same time a chill ran down my back, I know that Karen is at peace in heaven and is waiting for me. I will get to see her again one day.

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem. I am sure there are things are loved ones would wanted to share with us if they could, and I think God has a way of getting those things across, through a poem, a song, a sunset, or some other means. I have to think that it's like this poem said, that they see eternity and all that's been promised coming true and their day is golden and not filled with tears like ours, and it gives us strength to go on and try to focus on the positive instead of all of our losses and pain. Just last night I cried and cried, missing George, and wanting to share my day with him as I used to. It's been since 6/19/05, and yet still, I grieve, and I don't expect myself to get over him, I will always miss him, I just accept that. I am fortunate to have a couple of new friends and I try real hard to focus on my life as it is...this whole loss of job thing has been hard to handle, because if George was alive, I would not only have less stress as I'd have his income to help out, but I'd have him to share in each step of the way and to bounce things off of...but he's not alive and I have to face things as they are.

I have a poem my sister gave me after George died that I want to share with you:

And if I go, while you're still here...

Know that I live on,

vibrating to a different measure

-behind a thin veil you cannot see through.

You will not see me,

so you must have faith.

I wait the time when we can soar together again,

-both aware of each other.

Until then, live your life to its fullest.

And when you need me,

just whispter my name in your heart,

...I will be there.

[Guest PattiZ54]

Whew! Had to go and get a kleenex after I read those. They really touched my heart...thank you.

I was reading a story, in a magazine, about someone that had lost their sister. They mentioned seeing a butterfly and this is what a doctor had to say about it. "Butterflies, symbols of beauty and lightness, are one of the most common signs that Heaven sends - especially following a period of mourning". "Butterflies - as well as other Heavenly signs like birds, rainbows or special songs - are sent to remind us not to be afraid of life changes, for life and love go on". "The angels says: 'Butterflies are ambassadors from Heaven who bring smiles to human hearts. Their glorious presence helps everyone to feel childlike awe and wonder, which are states that create openness to our loving messages. If you ever feel sad, alone or worried, think of the butterfly as a way to uplifting your thoughts and emotions".

When we were on our way to my husband's memorial, there were 3 rainbows in the sky (all right next to each other). One for my husband, one for my fatherinlaw and one for our canine, Kelty, that had passed away. Then when we went to spread my husband's ashes, a butterfly was with us the entire time and I KNEW it was a sign from Heaven.

I just thought it was interesting to read that..... I wanted to share that with all of you.

Butterflies are a good thing!

My thoughts are with all of you.

Patti

[ann]

chrissy,

i am very sorry for your loss.

like you, i also have a very hard time accepting the fact that someone special to me died and i was not there when he died. i was not there during his funeral and i was not there during his burial. until now, it hurts a lot to know that i was not even there to hold his hand, to say goodbye..

my ex-boyfriend died in a motorcycle accident last april 2006. but we remain good friends with each other, and still care for each other. i only learned of his death 20 days after. his family wanted to inform me but they did not know my number or how to contact me. and as far as they know, they thought that i am still his girlfriend.

since nobody on my side knows abt our relationship, i have to kept my grief all by myself. i've been in a 'roller-coaster' sort of feelings for 3 months. i cried every night coz of the pain. sometimes, i felt so numb. most of the times, i am in denial. i was angry with God, with him, and with myself too. i was depressed for a long time, i overslept a lot. literally, i lost my enthusiasm and confidence in doing things, i lost focus with my studies. i even visited his family twice, i talked with them..i thought this would help lessen the pain. and during the first 2-3 months, i always come to his gravesite, and cried and talked with him there. and literally too, i talked with him in my mind everyday, everynight. it is still hard for me to accept that he is gone forever.

what keeps me sane is through writing. i wrote poems, i wrote letters. and i pray a lot..for strength. i never thought i could experience tooo much pain.

but i had. but most of the times, when i was really feeling so down and hurting a lot, it was during those times that i can actually feel his presence...i had 'goosebumps' for 3-5 seconds, but i also feel very at peace. it was like he is telling me that he is there trying to comfort me, he knows what i am going through and that thought comforts me. it gives me a kind of peace knowing that he is watching over me always.

but sometimes, i have so many 'what-ifs' too..and it is driving me crazy. and i just have to comfort myself with the thought that maybe, just maybe, he really did not want me to see him suffer. maybe, he is thinking that i am too weak to see him dying..that i am too weak to accept his death that is why i learned very late. oh God, i really have crazy thoughts. but if only..if only i was given the chance to say goodbye to him, to talk to him for the last time. and i still get very sad everytime i think of this, of how i was denied this chance...

" Its so weird because for the past few days I was so angry and depressed but today I was working in the babies nursery and I just feel this sense of calm and peace."

"I wish there was a way I could pass this feeling around to everyone here and who is greiveing. "

i am so glad chrissy that u feel this way now. i am on my 4th month now, and i noticed that the tears became lesser too. sometimes, i felt calmer and have this sense of peace with myself too. sometimes, i couldnt help but smile when i think that he is actually in a safer place now,if not a better place..knowing that He is together with our Creator now..

God bless u and ur child chrissy. i will always be praying for u.

and thank u for sharing that beautiful poem..

[kayc]

Ann,

"like he is telling me that he is there trying to comfort me, he knows what i am going through and that thought comforts me." I feel the same way, and have felt comfort in knowing that George is aware of what I am going through and he understands. I do not believe for a moment that you are weak or that anyone, let alone your lost beloved, thinks so. You found out 20 days later because you found out 20 days later...period, it has nothing to do with weakness, life just happens as it does sometimes. You are experiencing an incredible loss and a lot of pain, and your oversleeping or any other way you are handling it is very understandable...our human spirit and the will to survive is very incredible...and it is so incredible that it knows just what we need in order TO survive! Sometimes we have to put off the pain a bit, or sleep or cry or whatever, and no one can fault us for that and no one else would do any better, it is just a very hard thing to surmount and we're doing the best we can with the knowledge we have. We're here for you Honey, go ahead and pour out your feelings on us, we understand, we're listening....

[dpodesta]

I agree with KayC completely, life is way to short to play the "What if" game. I did that for awhile after Karen's death and all it did was upseet me more. I now know that Karen wants me to be happy and live life to the fullest. I hate that she isn't here to share it with me, but I know she is watching over me and I know God is carrying me through this rough time. I am too young to sit around and do nothing thinking that if I do something fun it might look like I had forgotten her. I know now, I don't care what someone thinks, it is what I think and know about myself that matters.

[chrissy777]

Derek and Kay C,

I totally agree with you both and ann thank you for your kind words. I was and sometimes am still a complete mess but its like your body and mind find ways to deal with it.. I too laugh and I think to myself how the heck am I laughing and I really think my husband has alot to do with that.(also the bundle of joy I am expecting next month Its funny sometimes when I think sad and emotionally upsetting things about Jason it is like the baby gives me some good kicks and says remember me I am here. I too am too young to give up my life and my days I want people to know that inside I miss and long for Jason more than I could ever express but He wouldnt want me to die with him physically or emotionally. He actually had talks with me before he went for his bone marrow transplant (you know the "God forbid" talks) and I would always try to get him to change the subject, because in my mind, even though I knew it was quite possible, he was not going to die. He would tell me I dont want you to sit around alone forever, but dont go finding yourself some loser because you are so much better than that. My thought is once you have had the best your expectations get much higher.. I was truely blessed for the time I had with Jason although short(4 years together 2 married) He gave me enough love to last a lifetime and I am forever greatful. God bless you all. And remember we are worth it to live our life and enjoy it as best we can although some days are harder than others just remember that there are many good days ahead:)

Chrissy