One Year Since My Mom Died

[STARKISS]

Hi it me Starkiss again,

I have just gone through the one year mark since my mom has died and I still find it very hard to deal with. I know it takes time but I think I am going crazy please help me deal so I can start to understand everything after a year.

[Paul S]

Hi starkiss:

It has been only a little over 8 1/2 months since my own Mom died.

I know from my own experience in this that we almost always at one point or another, feel as if we are going crazy. (If you think you are, you probably aren't. Sounds trite, but usually its true )

For me, I felt as if my mind was fracturing at about the fourth month. That now seems like a lifetime ago.

Recently, I have been feeling not so much as if I was going crazy, but that I was just becoming less focused or a bit disoriented. Not throughout the day, but often enough. This was after a period where I felt I had "gotten past" the bulk of the nightmare of Mom's death and was achieving a more relaxed quality or pace of life. I thought that "It was over now, probate is settled and everything is done, time to move on." But no, my ability to "stop and smell the roses" kept being interfered with by questionable decision-making processes. That is what I think was going on, a major milestone was reached and I started wigging out a bit, as you are with the 1st anniv.

You are aware that it takes time, and that is good. Try and focus on that knowledge, and be aware that anniversaries can do this to us. My Mom's 1st anniv will be in early November, just before the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Yippee, ho-ho-ho.

I don't think that you can "understand everyting" just because its been a year. This is a process that slowly reveals itself to us over time, and things like dates and so forth can be arbitrary triggers of this grief.

Roll with the pain as best you can and keep on posting here. It goes without saying that you are not alone in this.

Paul

[shell]

Starkiss,

Many organizations offer free grief support groups for a year, lots of books are about the first year of grief. I think too much emphasis is put on the year mark, like you are only suppose to grieve for a year and then all will be fine! Which, as we all know on this site, is rubbish. There is NO time table for grief, and there is nothing wrong with you if you are still grieveing past the first year. And, as Paul pointed out, that first year anniversary can be rough. I know it was that anniversary of my dads death that was the hardest for me. Even more so than holidays, birthdays, etc. And I had a rough time again when it came around. So hang in there, things will eventually get easier to deal with. And don't worry that you are going crazy. What you're feeling is normal.

Hugs,

Shell

[LoriW]

STARKISS,

You have hit a difficult point in your grief, I believe. I am not there yet, but it's as if I anticipate the 1 year mark for myself to be very difficult.

Losing our Mom's in a sense, is like losing an extension of ourselves. It is because of them that we are here. I don't know about you, but I have always been person who has always remembered to keep track of dates and occasions. Joyful and sad. My husband, on the other hand, finds no significance in those type of things. I have noticed that in the past 8 months as I got closer to a day like Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day and especially my Mom's birthday I have been sad and I have longed for my Mom even more.

It's no wonder that expecially at the 1 year mark of your Mom's death you are feeling this loss especially hard to deal with. To me, it's probably as if your mind is taking you back to that time and place. The day your life and world changed. My Mom died suddenly and out of the blue and it's odd that to me on Wednesdays (the day of the week she died) certain times and thoughts pop into my head of that specific day.

I don't think in 1 year you can anticipate your grief to end. You still feel, you still remember, you still love and miss that person. I do know that my grief has changed throughout this journey....and since that day in November I have seen 2 friends lose a parent and I have been there for them in a way I might not have before I lost my Mom. Don't expect too much from yourself just because the full year has passed. I think what you are feeling right now is what most do at this time.

Hugs to you.

Lori

[lorikelly]

I think this thing called grief stinks. it hurts so much. my mom will be gone 4 weeks on monday. Mondays i don't think will ever be the same for me i will always remenber that as the day she died. i don't think i have really accepted it, i still cry and say how i want her back. the pain is awful and some minutes i don't think i will make it through. i wait for the night so i can sleep, i think how can i go on my whole life like this. everyone says time but i wish i new how much. i have to go this weekend so my siblings can go through the storage unit with my moms stuff. they don't speak to me so the will be even harder i will just go open it and let them take what they want. that will probably be everything but i am just not up to fighting and they can be mean. my life seems so blah, like happiness is so far away. my husband and boys try so hard to help me but it is so hard to explain to someone what you feel. sorry i am just venting thanks for listening.

[STARKISS]

Hi Lorikelly,

Thank you for all the kind words that you sent me I know they helped me.

I remember the one month period of my mom's death I thought I was going insane so I can only imagine what you are feeling. People always say I know how you are feeling I think the people who say this have not really lost anyone. Because everyone experiences grief and lost differently so I do not know the feelings you are feeling right now. All I can say is God bless you and do take care of your self. Email me at anytime if you need someone to talk I will be here for you Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

As it comes to the second anniversary of my mom's death, I am a little better but really do miss her... My aunt died in March of 2003, her husband died in August of 2003... My mom died in April of 2005 and my dad died in August of 2005... I am worrying about who is next.... It is now March 2007 and again I wonder if someone in my dad's side of the family is going to die like in previous years.... He has two brothers left and one sister so I sit wondering if their families are going to be like mine soon.... I dread it when the phone rings because what if it is one of the family telling us about the bad news.... I just do not know.... Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

As I wait for the 18th to come closer I am feeling lost again... I try to remember what my mom looked like but can only remember if I look at a picture... I dread the day because I just can not believe she has been gone for two years it does in a way just feel like it was yesterday... Every so often I see someone on a electric scooter and think of my mom... I wish I could just move more along but find myself frozen in time right now.... I hope that the future makes it easier but in one way I do not want to forget anything I had with my mom.... Shelley

[lorikelly]

Shelley

My mom is gone 8mos and i still can't believe i have not seen her in that long. somedays i still think just maybe it is a bad dream. i continue to go on but the pain is still there. i wish for you a day of peace and hope. love lori

[STARKISS]

Hi Lorikelly,

Thank you for your reply, I am so glad there is a place I can come when I am feeling bad or missing my lost loved ones... The people here are just like family to me... Even more so than my real family... I am able to talk about how I am feeling out in the open and not afraid to show when I am crying here... Within my family they think I am crazy for still missing my parents... But they do not realize that they have their own families and my parents were the only ones that were actually there for me... Once they were gone I felt like an orphan and are now just starting to adjust without them... I thank God everyday for the people who are here on this site... Take care and Thank you for understand and caring Your website family member Shelley

[STARKISS]

Well Everyone, Here I am today marks the second anniversary of my mom's death.. Boy! do I feel sad, anger, tearful, confussed, worried, all wrap up... Everything that so far that has happen today just makes me cry... My sister and I are mad at each other and just me not being able to be me is the worse part of it... I did have an ultra sound appointment and my sister who I work for is just not being fair about it at all... She will not allow me the time to get it done.... I feel as if I should just quit but I do not want to hurt the children in anyway.... I am so very miserable right now that I am finding it hard to type bye Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

As you all probably know by now my mom's second anniversary was April 18th and here I am getting ready for the biggest party of the year, It is my youngest nephew Evan's third birthday... It is hard to believe mom did not even see him celebrate his first and now it is his third... I received very disturbing news today, My doctor's office called and it seems as though I might be following in my mom's footsteps with the problems she had with breasts.... Please keep me in your prayers as I am keeping you all in mine Shelley

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

It has almost been three years since my mom died... April 18 is the day...

I am going to her favorite buffet while I am in Las Vegas to toast her...Unfortunely I amdoing this in May but I think she will be happy...Shelley

[kana]

Hi Lorikelly

I an in the same state where you were 2 years ago. It's been 4 mon ths now my mom died suddenly in an accident and I am not able to accept it. I was very close to her and we were like friends. I am getting her in my dreams every single night. I am not able to come out of it. Every second I am thinking of her only inspite of caring for 3 kids.

Not sure what is going to make me feel better. How will i come out of it. Does it realy get better as days go...

dont feel like that.

please help me....

[MartyT]

My dear Kana,

I'm so sorry to learn of the accidental death of your dear mother four months ago. When death comes suddenly and unexpectedly like this, it can be especially difficult to bear, and you have our deepest sympathy.

I don't know what, if any, support you've received since this death happened, but at the very least I'd like to point you to some readings that may be helpful to you. It is my hope that knowing your reactions are normal under the circumstances will bring you some measure of comfort. (You'll find these and other resources listed on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site, http://www.griefhealing.com/traumatic-loss.htm)

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death, http://journeyofhearts.org/grief/accident2.html

Facing Sudden Loss, http://www.hospicefoundation.org/griefAndLoss/facing.asp

Grief Due to Complicated Death (Accident, Homicide or Suicide), http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefComplicated.htm

Reactions to Sudden or Traumatic Loss, http://www.aarp.org/family/lifeafterloss/a...s/reations.html

Reflections on Spiritual Problems in Sudden Loss, http://www.hospicefoundation.org/griefAndL...reflections.asp

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

It seems just yesterday I started this post, But yesterday I dealt with the fifth anniversary of my dear mom's death... It does not seem possible that she has been gone so long... I had a very rough day yesterday I missed her so much still and I had several bouts of tears through out the day... I just seem to get hit hard on these anniversary days, I tried what my therapist said and remember the good times but I just wanted her back even just for the day... Shelley

[niamh]

hi Shelley,

I've seen some of your other posts here when I initially started reading. I am so sorry for your Mom. I just lost my Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Do you mind me asking if this has got a little less difficult for you as the years so go ? I see no light at the end of this tunnel, I wish my life was over (my Mom is what is keeping me going, keeping me just about hanging on). But I get scared of all the time I have left without my Dad (i'm 35)so I try not to think ahead and just get through today, but it pops in every so often. I've not gone for counselling yet, maybe someday, just can't do it for now and don't know why. I definitely can't look back on anything for now, it's too painful, can't look at photos or anything. It just feels the rest of my life is going to be a struggle with nothing but pain, loneliness and longing for my Daddy.

anyways, I am sorry again for your loss,

thanks !

niamh

[STARKISS]

Hi Niamh,

Yes it does get easier but the anniversary days are still very rough for me, I find that the more you loved someone the more grief and sadness you feel... I lost my mom when I was on vacation with my parents in Las Vegas in April of 2005... She died of a diabetic coma, I lost my dad four months later of non hodgkin's lymphoma He did on August 25th of 2005... I think because I lost both of them it is worst than if I had lost one at a time... I also have been going through so hard times starting this year, I have had flash backs of my dad sexually, verbally, and emotionally abusing me.. So I am having a very rough time right now...

[niamh]

thank you for replying Shelley, yep I hear you on the more you loved someone (I used to go on vacation with my parents too and they were always the best ones, am so glad now of the hols I had with them rather than friends). Wow, losing both so close, I can't even begin to imagine that for you, I am truly sorry, there really are no words, where can you even begin to process that, my broken heart goes out to you.

And I am so sorry for the hard time you are having now with flashbacks of such trauma......hugs and peace to you, I don't know what to say, there are no words in this language when it comes to the grief, trauma and all that comes with it. I'm here for whenever or if ever you want to talk, vent, anything.

Hugs to you,

niamh...

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

Well the 18th came and went for another year and yes it was hard, this year seemed to be a lot harder than the rest but I did make it through... As for the flash backs and the thoughts of what dad did to me well that is another story and I am seeing not one therapist but actually I am seeing two right now... I am seeing a psychotherapist for talking with and an Art therapist as well because I went along time where I could not really talk about it or even right about any of it but now it is a little better and I did a book about all my life stuff and it has helped me alot... I drew pictures of all the good things and also the bad things as well... Shelley

[SHeiss]

Starkiss,

Again sorry for your loss. I have never experienced the anniversary of a close loved ones death. I can only imagine how hard it must be even as time goes by. I am very happy that therapy seems to help you if even just a little. I have thought about therapy for myself too, but I am a very private mourner. Anyway, you are in my thoughts and I will be here if you need someone to listen!

-Sharla

[niamh]

I am glad to hear something like that has helped you Shelley and things are even a little better for you. I hope you find some peace and I hope it continues get a little easier for you. thanks so much for sharing everything Shelley for us newbies

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am here and have great listening ears and have compassion for everyone who has lost someone dear to them... So if you need someone to just be there for you.. I can be there... Shelley

[niamh]

THANK YOU Shelley and same for you also, we can and will be here for you too,xx

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I was just curious how many people were thinking about Grief counselling? I know I was a little nervous about doing it when my parents first died but I met a counsellor through our local Hospice office and it was the best thing I had ever done.. She was so nice and understanding and when I was ready I entered a grief support group which I found extremely helpful as well... Shelley