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Why Somepeople Feel Better Then Others.


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Don't you wonder why some people can move on so easily while some of us can't. i seem to always be looking for people who have lost some one so i can ask how they handled it. i know that each person is different but it has amazed me how some can just move on. i also wonder what other people think about what happens to us when we die. i am a catholic and believe strongly in heaven and that we will seee each other again, i have talked to others who think when we die it is over. this gets me so sad b/c i couldn't imagine not seeing my mom or dad again. then i wonder will they really know who we are. i have some manyg ques. my mom was so terrified of dying i quess b/c of the unknown. she was very religious but was so scared. i use to tell her not to be afraid and that i don't think i would be. weil i think i am afraid of it. i wonder if you experience so sort of pain. i think we must. my brother said he talked to my mom that morning before she died and that she was in so much pain ( id on't speak to him he told my niece) i wonder what kind of pain did she have. when i got there my mom could no longer speak so she could not tell me if she had pain. i have so many unanswered questions. i wonder why doesn't God let them speak to us so that we can at peace. wouldn't it be so much easier with our grief if they could just come once tell us what we need to hear and then be gone. sometimes i think i am still in denial about her death. i think i may wake up and it be different . i hate saying she is DEAD it hurts so much. i wish for so many things to be different, i wish i had done so many different things. i try to tell myself i did the best but quitl creeps up and takes over. sorry i had to vent and maybe at times i didn't make sense i just have to write what comes to me. thanks for always listening , lori

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I was raised Catholic, and am now Baptist. I truly believe that we will see our loved ones again but only if we have trusted Jesus and have accepted him in our lives and believe that he died for our sins. Romans talks about this in several places. In one of the books in the bible it also talks about the fact that we will know each other when we see them in Heaven. My wife had 2 miscarriages and our preacher told us that when we get to Heaven we will know them and they will know us. After Karen died I remember thinking that Karen is now in Heaven with our 2 children and that she finally got to be with them, it was so comforting. I don't know all of the answers, but I can try to answer what I have learned I hope this has helped.

As far as some people moving on easier than others, I wish I knew. I wonder sometimes tho if someone gets over it really quick are they truly over it our are they just covering it up? That is something to look at.

Hope all goes well.

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Hi, Lori....

I wish I knew how some folks seem to do it so quickly. I'm an absolute mess tonight. It just seems like there has been so much death all around me the past six months (we lost my uncle in April, then a close family friend who was like my second mother to me in May, my Dad's closest friend died also in May, then my Dad, Dad's dog Pepper died two days after Dad's funeral, then we lost Dad's cousin two weeks after Dad, now two close friends in the last two weeks). It has seemed like just as I begin to feel better, I get hit again. :o The whole rest of the world just seems way too happy going about its business and I'm here wondering if I'll be able to trust life again.

Perhaps Derek is right....some of these speedy people may not have truly dealt with their feelings. So it must be like the fable of the tortoise and the hare. We may be slow movers, Lori, but I'm told I'll be better off when I come out on the other side if I do take all the time I need to do what I feel I need to do. I would also like to add that I think men and women grieve differently. My brother Doug misses my Dad every bit as much as I do (and I'm sure he has his moments when he's alone with his thoughts). But he's pretty practical about everything. Whenever anyone asks how he's doing, he'll say, "trying to adjust to life without Dad" or "tring to adjust to the new normal." He shared with me the other day that he expects Dad to come driving in the driveway any minute; but he knows things are going to be different. So now whenever anyone, other than a close friend that I trust, asks how I'm doing I take a page from Doug's book and say, "trying to adjust to the new normal."

Take good care.

Leann

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Hi All,

I too would like to find out how people seem to get through there grief faster. My siblings all seem to know the correct answer but not me. I am going through the sixteenth month since my mom died and almost one year for my dad... My dad's one year is on the twenty fifth of this week..It is so hard to still deal with the loss of my parents and my siblings all think I am crazy because I still hurt... just because they do not why can't I still cry if I need too... Take care and thank you for letting me ramble... Shelley

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been asking those questions myself! My newphew (only a few yrs younger than I) and his wife had a birthday party for my son recently. My sister, nephew, nephews wife, sister's hubby (that's a WHOLE other story!), 2 great nephews and my son and I attended the party held at my nephew's home. My sister, her hubby,and my nephew sat there boozing away and every time I mentioned my Mom's name it was like it was taboo! Dead silence then someone would change the subject! It's like they are all over it and it will only be 5 months on Sept 2nd which would have also been her 81st birthday! I lived with her along with my son, I took care of her and they rarely ever even phoned over the past 2 yrs . I think the only reason they threw this birthday party for my son was because they all feel guilty -- I kept thinking each time my son would open one of their gifts "Well there's another gift dripping with guilt!" BITTER? Yes, I feel bitter toward them as they weren't there for my Mom! I didn't care that they didn't help me with the caregiving part of it as I love my Mom and didn't mind at all taking care of her but I KNOW she was hurt that they stopped visiting and calling and THAT is what enrages me! That they hurt her! They did come the day she was dying but only stayed for about an hour and a half then said to me that if anything changed over the next few days to let them know! HELLO!!! She had the death rattle and I told them she was dying -- she was still talking and very coherent right to the end but one would have to have been blind or stupid to not see that she didn't have long! Needless to say she died with me , my son and her nurse (who had just arrived for her brief visit) at her side. I just couldn't believe how callous and/or dumb they are! My Mom was good to them! She raised my nephew as my sister was very young when she had him, let my sister live at home along with my nephew and get educated so she could get a big paying job, babysat my nephew's children while he and his wife wanted to go on vacation alone, etc, etc and these ingrates treat her that way when she gets real sick the last few years of her life! I can almost say I hate them with the exception of my 2 great nephews as they are children and it's not their fault! And it really pissed me off that they sat there boozing away at this party and every time I mentioned my Mom there was silence then a quick topic change like her name is taboo around them! So yeah some people do seem to get over it quick and from my experience with this I think it is the people who don't have any feelings for anyone but themselves to begin with! Thanks for listening and I guess I needed to rant (which I didn't intend to do when I started to reply to this post!)

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Good for you, Whiteswan, you needed to rant! This is a good place for it!

I don't blame you for being angry, but what I kept thinking as I read of your family's reactions was "denial, denial, denial." As you said, it was obvious your mother was dying -- it seems to me they simply refused to see it. And now they won't talk about her? I would not, personally, call that "getting over it easily." I would tend to call that denial, and suppressing their emotions. They are not dealing with the loss, it seems to me. I mean, I don't know them, of course, but that's how it seems to me.

It's very upsetting when someone won't talk about the person who has died. I spent a weekend with some friends of my ex-husband's and mine from college, and was looking forward to sharing memories of him with them, getting to talk to people who knew him. Where I live now, no one ever met him. It's been two years, so I was feeling that I would not have to talk about my grief, but I wanted to share fun memories, funny things he said, stuff like that. But the whole weekend, neither of them ever said his name. When I brought him up, they would turn away and change the subject. It really hurt my feelings, but my mother pointed out that a lot of people avoid "unpleasant subjects". That made me mad, because he was NOT an unpleasant subject!! But I know what she means, that they are avoiding the subject, either because it makes them sad, or because they don't want to make me sad. That is a common attitude among people.

It's a shame, because I am now trying to decide whether to email them and tell them that I cannot understand why they ignored me whenever I spoke of him, ignored his life and existence, or just let it go. They never wrote me to say they enjoyed their trip or had liked seeing me, so I'm inclined to let it go and let the friendship die (I hadn't seen them in 20 years, and it was a kind of reunion, but it fell flat with their refusal to talk about him.) I really kind of thought, What the he## did they expect? That we three would get together and pretend we four were never together? HE was the one who introduced them in college, and now they've been married 30 years -- and we were the maid of honor and best man at the wedding, and we got engaged at their wedding -- how could they just ignore his existence!?!?

Anyway, right now I figure they are simply not dealing with their grief, they are avoiding it, whereas I am immersed in my grief and wrestling with it every day. It seems to me from reading your post that something similar is going on with your family.

I guess I just wanted to say that it's never a good idea to beat yourself up and assume others are "dealing with it better" -- it's very unlikely that they are doing better than you are, and besides, everyone is different. It's also possible that you are a person with more sensitivity and a more tender heart, and so you feel the grief more deeply. That is painful for you, but it certainly means you are a kind and loving person!

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Whiteswan,

I can understand your bitterness and anger completely. I tend to agree with you that people who seem to get over it easier just don't care. I know everyone grieves differently, but I'm tired of excusing people. Maybe they aren't grieving "differently", maybe they just aren't grieving because they are cold, selfish people who don't care!

Ann, I think letting the friendship die is a good idea. I had to do that with a very close (or so I thought) friend that I've known since high school. What I finally realized was that she was what they call a "fair weather friend", an old fashioned expression that really hit me in the face! She doesn't want to face anything unpleasant, so she never called or anything. I guess because I'm not the fun-loving person she knew before, I'm of no use to her. I'm afraid there are a lot of "friends" like that, we just don't know it until something like this happens.

Anyway, who needs them? It hurts, but I'd rather be alone than with people like that!

Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell

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You're right, Shell, when we go through something like this, we really find out who our friends are, and it's often a big surprise. My best friend doesn't really grieve like I do, and seemed to "get over" her father's passing quickly. But she does listen when I need to talk, so even if she doesn't totally get it, she is open enough to let me grieve in my own way. My sister is a wonderful support, but the rest of my family thinks I'm wallowing. Other friends have dropped away for the most part. There is one sweet lady at work who periodically still asks me how I am doing -- she just asked me this past Monday, even though it's been more than two years! She understands that it takes time.

But my main support came from my ex-husband's closest friends. I didn't even know them until the funeral, since we lived on opposite coasts. Now they are my very close friends, and we email almost every day. It's been a god-send -- how strange that friends of 35 years just vanished, and these people I only met at the funeral have become so close!

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I am reading a book called Orphaned Adults since i have now lost both of my parents. there is a very good chapter about friendships and other relationships in our lives and how they change. i just started reading that chapter so i will let you know what i get out of it. i think i have realized that many people don't get what you are feeling unless they have experienced that kind of loss. i try not to tell people that i don't cares, it is not worth getting hurt over. i find coming here really helps b/c everyone here really does care and is sincere. lori

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AnnC,

It is strange how new friends become closer than the old ones. I've experienced that too. I feel closer to some of the people on this board than many of my old friends. I've made new friendships with people who really care and it is wonderful. To the people I've lost, due to their insensitivity, well....maybe it's a blessing in disguise!

Hugs,

Shell

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Hi, I guess I am one of those that seem to be moving on easier than others. I am not cold, or not dealing with my grief. I lost my dad to surgery complications and mom and brother a week and a half later in a car accident five months ago. The first month after their passing was very tough for me.

But now, to see me everyday, you would think I am doing fine. I am happy at work, play with my kids and get along as normal during the day. It is a struggle I deal with everyday to be this way, to put on a happy face, but I am choosing to live my life as I know my family members would have wanted. Plus when I "act happy" I start to feel happy. It is tough to smile and feel down at the same time. My parents gave me life, they would want me to live it.

Now when I am alone in the car, and especially at night with my husband when the kids are in bed, it all comes out. So what you see on the outside, of people "handling it well", is not necessarily what is going on in the inside. Plus I have always had a positive attitude, and although a terrible tragedy has occurred that has changed my life forever and made my life a roller coaster everyday, my family members death have reinforced the fact that life can be short, and we need to live it to the fullest while we are here. We will never forget them, but we can't change the past. They will live on in our hearts forever.

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Cassandra,

I'm so sorry for all your losses. And so close together, that is rougher than one can imagine! You are right, you never know what's really going on inside. I probably look pretty together too and yet alone, I can turn into a messy pile of emotions! I put on a "happy face" too. I try so hard to remember that you truly don't know what's going on in peoples lives and so shouldn't judge them on surface appearances. You have a wonderful attitude.

I have known people, however, who have told me that someone dying is no big deal. That it wasn't going to affect their life one way or the other. Maybe they are in denial, hiding their grief, etc. but from what I've seen they seemed to honestly mean it. So I suppose there are some (probably a very small minority) people who don't grieve.

But thanks for reminding me that maybe I'm just not looking deep enough.

Hugs to you,

Shell

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Hmmm...

Leann,

I lost my best friend about 10 years ago. Spoke at the funeral, spent some time alone and figured I was over it. Then, my uncle, grandmother and father all die within a year of each other (father and grandmother within weeks.) I do the same thing and a grief counceler asks how I am doing. I say "fine" and months later, poof...I am miserable. I can't explain it but then called the grief counceler and I start to "get it".

I think one has to go through this one time or maybe many or it just festers and sneaks up on you later. Yes, part of life but not comparable to any others. Joseph Campbell, one of my favorite mythologists called this "the hero's journey" as written in many great texts. He means its a journey out of the familiar that we all have to take and "slay the dragon" so it won't follow us around and forever make us live in fear.

Frankly, I don't want to be on any type of journey and want my balance back...but I am determined to slay this dragon no matter how others deal with thiers.

Hope this helps,

Charlie1

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