Loss Of Father And 1st Baby

[January9th]

I am having a very hard time b/c I would be giving birth this week to my first child. I got pregnant right before my father went in for brain surgery and died on January 9th, 2006. I had to make a decision about whether to keep the baby or not right after my father passed. It was just way TOO much for me to deal with and I kept putting the decision off and changing my mind. Part of me really wishes I had kept the child b/c I know that is what my father wanted. He wanted so badly to be a grandfather and he was for those few weeks. He wanted Aaron my boyfriend to marry me and for us to have it. But, we financially weren't ready to have a child. My boyfriend is only 21 and not ready to have kids yet. But, I'm 26 and part of me was so ready to have a child. I was so happy while I was pregnant... I was glowing and people noticed who didn't even know. I feel like that my baby's soul was helping me through that first month. Anways... it's hard... I have no sense of purpose right now in my life... that child would have given me a true sense of purpose. Now all I want to do for work is work with preschool aged children. Children bring me so much joy and happiness in life. I really hope I get one of these jobs working with children. I need to be doing something so I feel like I'm making a difference in a child or children's lives. Right now I'm housecleaning, waitressing and teaching and dancing tango and I don't feel good about myself and my work. I know I have so many gifts and I feel like I'm wasting my time and gifts I was given. But, it's so hard to just live and get by without my father. It's so hard to just function and not cry all the time. He was my best friend, only one who truly understood me, who loved me completely unconditionally. He was the only one I could call at any time of the day or night. He was always there for me. He would just listen and say the right things at the right times. We could just sit, hold each other, hug, and not talk and it was so peaceful and loving. I need him and he's not here. I moved here partly to be closer to him. And it was wonderful for 5 months I lived 10 minutes down the street. My sweet father "Daddyo" incredible loving, talented musician, kindhearted soul who touched so many by his beautiful music. His flute channeled spirit like none other... his music unearthly. I miss him just coming over and chillin' playing my keyboard. I need a friend like him. I have friends sure, but noone is here right now when I need someone... he would have been here or I would have been with him somewhere today on this rainy day. I'm going tonight to be with his friend Mave for her going away party to Boston to persue her music career furthur. My father would be so proud of her. He thought so highly of her and supported her in her music... he supported so many including me. I feel like I can't get anywhere I want to go... I feel stuck. I keep trying and falling. I have a college degree, many gifts, and a bright smile... but 4 years post graduation I can't say much for myself. It really gets me down. My dad would know what to say right now... he always said something that would make me feel better. I just want to give him a big hug. He was the best hugger in the world... better than AMMA "the hugging saint" for those who don't know her. My father was a big guy with an even bigger heart. This channeler told me my father is my spiritual father for all of time. I knew this even before she said so. I feel closer to my dad than any other. We know each other beyond words... on a soul level. I swear he communicates with me through the wind. Yeah he was a flutist a lover of the wind you could say and now he speaks and plays for me with the wind. The windchimes outside of my bedroom window play sweet melodies. One night he played me a lullaby at like 2 am. It was nothing the regular wind could have just played it was perfect. When the wind wraps around me at time I feel his presense. Does anyone else feel their loved ones presense intensely? I feel his love when I open my heart. It feels like he is RIGHT here some of the time. But, he physically isn't. Sometimes I just want to retreat... I feel myself leaving my body and I can't. Sometimes I wish I was with him... I know he's FREE from all suffering... I don't want to suffer anymore. But, here I am... I'm living through it. I'm not allowed to leave yet. I have things I must do and learn I guess before I can be reunited with him.

I find myself wanting to eat sugar, go make out with this guy I have a crush on, smoke pot, buy clothes when I have SO MANY, go to a strip club (hahaha)... the last thing I want to do right now is meditate... which is when I feel like I connect with him and myself and my inner feelings. Why do I push that away... why do I rebel against what is really good for me? Why don't I take care of myself? My back has been hurting me this past week so badly and I can't do what makes me happy... DANCE... and I couldn't go away to Chicago to a dance festival or go be alone in the woods camping. I'm stuck at home with nothing to do... procrastinating my life away... writing a novel on here for a bunch of people who don't know me and probably never will. Looking for what... advice? sympathy? counciling? I'm not quite sure. I cry as I read peoples posts... connecting to my inner feelings of grief. I was the only one with my daddy the whole time in the hospital. I was the only one who stayed, who really cared, he knew that... he knew and knows how much I love him. I want him back. How can almost nine months have already passed. It doesn't seem possible. I feel like I've done nothing in 9 months. And now my birthday is coming up... he won't be there... he never will be again. The denial keeps coming. I keep wishing I can pressing 3 on my cell hold it down and speed dial him. Where is he? Why did he leave? Why did he leave me now here in my life alone? I feel alone without him even though others are here. This is really good... the first time I've really journaled like this... freeflow. Sorry it's so long... no I'm not... if you don't want to read it you wouldn't be right now. So... I guess that is it for now. I'm new on here... thought I'd try it out. I'm in the process of hopefully joining a Hospice group for adults who've lost their parent(s). I'm also looking into private couciling. These two major losses in one month from each other have really affected me and my relationship especially to Aaron who I love so much. We almost broke up after I acted out and made out and stayed out all night with this guy I barely knew, but had just lost his sister. I connected with him and felt passionate again after having lost my libido for months since my losses. I still have a loss of libido and it's so out of character for me... what the he** is going on with me!?!?!?!? This is part of what I hope to get out of counciling, but if any of you have experienced anything like this please reply and help me in whatever way you can. I think it's just too much... overload... I need time to heal, to grieve... and to get angry at times... which I've also experienced... out of character for me... fits of rage and anger... what's that about?!? Noone seems to get it... thank God my boyfriend lost his father at 5 years old, b/c he has so much compassion for me and what I'm going through or else I doubt we would still be together. Okay this is really getting long. I needed to get this all out... <sigh>... I feel much better now Is this why this helps people?! Works good for me. I'll keep posting. Thanks if you sat and read all of this. I didn't go back and edit. May healing peace, love and light be with all of you who are dealing with loss.

Peace, love and light,

Adora

[January9th]

PLEASE SOMEONE RESPOND TO MY POST OTHER THAN ME... I FEEL PATHETIC.

I AM SORRY IT IS SO LONG... I KNOW... THAT'S JUST THE WAY I AM WHEN I WRITE.

I don't get it 11+ people read it and noone wrote anything in reply?!?

Peace.

[chrissy777]

Adora,

I am sorry you experienced two hard losses so close together. I love my father very much and just recently after my husbands passing had a scare where he was in the hospital. I am sure he is watching over you during this difficult time. There are a lot of books that help people who are greiveing and they are focused on many different losses. I mainly focused on books that were for widows but I know I saw books on the death of a parent or child at the bookstore. It helped me alot to read and talk. Welcome to the group and I hope it helps you. Take care

[Roswell]

Hello and welcome to the site.

The grieving process seemingly has no boundaries, it's unfortunate that we're left to carry the load.

It's a troublesome road, unpaved and full of bumps. However, you can't blame yourself. You must move on.

Do not destroy yourself! Do not feel pathetic...you're amongst people that are capable of helping you deal

your loss and grievance.

We don't have all the answers you're searching for. We'll help you best we can.

I'm always short on words, so allow me to depart with a gentle handshake.

You take care and be well, and not too tough on yourself!

William

[lorikelly]

Hi i lost my mom 8 weeks ago today and i feel many of the things you feel. i wonder every day why. i had a bad night last night and just wanted to lay down and die. i have a wonderful husband and two little boys but sometimes the grief is so bad. i also suffer from guilt which is going to eat me up. i replay everything in my head. i can only say that i thank God for this board b/c it has helped me alot. i also pray alot and read anything i can get. people say time but i also wonder about that. does it really help? i have to sometimes push the thoughts from my head and then i have to tell my self everyday that she is DEAD i hate that word. i am so sorry that you have to feel this way, why anyone of us has to but we can't change that so we have to take one minute one day at a time. pls keep writing everyone here is wonderful. just try to do your best and when you have a good moment then praise your self for that. lori

[AnnC]

I'm so sorry for your double loss. Your reactions are very normal for grief though. Grief is exhausting, and it's very hard to do anything or feel much motivation. Give yourself a break -- it takes a year or even much longer to start to feel that you are part of life again. And it may take longer because you are also mourning your baby. I think your decision to find a group and a counselor is an excellent one. I found that very helpful in the first year, and even into the second year. Grief is a very long difficult road, but you are right, expressing yourself like in this forum or a group or counselling setting does help. Telling your story over and over helps you to eventually adjust to your new reality. You will always miss your father, but I do believe they are still with us in spirit. It doesn't help with physically missing him, but I believe it is a changed relationship, not a relationship that is gone.

Sleep and eating disorders, loss of libido, loss of motivation are very common during grieving. I am only now, after more than two years, starting to enjoy life again. And I still have my crying jags, and probably always will, just maybe not as often.

I think it's wonderful you found out that he is your spiritual father forever, and I know he is watching over you now. But you need to express and process your grief in order to move through it -- finding this site is one great way to start to do that, we will always listen and we know what it is like, because we are going through it too.

[Rayon]

Hi Adora,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer last week, August 21st, which was his birthday. It it still too new and raw inside of me to give you any sound advice. But just to let you know that you found a great site with people who know just what you're going through. I am so lucky to have found this site, I was ready to go to therapy for counseling (which I still might).

But this site has helped also tremendously.

[shell]

Adora,

I'm so sorry for your loss and can only echo what others have posted, that what you are feeling is normal. I'm so glad you are seeking counseling, I think that will help a lot. And never worry about how long your posts are! You can "vent" all you want and we will read it.

I think it is so beautiful about your father communicating with you through the wind and about the chimes. How incredible and how lucky for you that you can sense it and know he's "there" for you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Leann]

Hi, Adora: I'm relatively new to this site myself, as I lost my Dad on Father's Day. He and I were very close, much like you and your Dad. Not only did I lose an awesome father, but I also lost my best friend. It sounds like your Dad was a pretty awesome guy, too.

I'll echo what others have said....try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm finding all this to be soooo exhausting (I was in bed by 6pm last night ). Do what you have to do right now for yourself. This group is wonderful; we're all here for you and for each other.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann