Needing Help

[kellymarie]

Hi all, So something very wierd has happened. Two weeks ago I met someone new. Well, he just sent me a message a couple of hours ago saying that he was sorry to drop this on me, but his mom just passed and he would be out of the loop for awhile!

Gosh, I'm just so shocked. I was really upset when he first sent the message. It brought back so many memories of when Josh first died. I actually cried at work (it's been months now since I've cried at work). I feel like I have really really really bad karma or whatever. Dating me is BAD news.

You think I would know what to do having just lost Josh. But I don't.

Thanks, Kelly

[shell]

kellymarie,

It is a very weird thing that when disaster strikes it seems to come again and again. I know the "bad karma" feeling so well. I think it is great that you met someone and actually went out with him. This may sound strange, but the whole situation may actually turn out really good. This might bring the two of you together in a way that deepens your future relationship. I hope this makes sense. I guess I'm just thinking that things happen for a reason, no matter how bad they are, and I just have this "feeling" that it's too coincidental and that fate may have a hand in this. I would definitely keep in touch and see what happens. I know how you feel about thinking you should know exactly what to do, and not knowing! I'm going through a similar thing with a friend that has cancer. Keep in touch or leave them alone? I feel I should know, but don't! Anyway, I think your instincts will let you know how to proceed. Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell

[kellymarie]

Thanks for your message, Shell. It really helped me put the whole situation into a more positive light.

I know what you mean about your friend. It seems like we should be so understanding during a difficult time, yet everyone deals with grief so differently it's hard to know what to do. I thought your and other's advice on "Help us help you" thread was very helpful.

Unfortunately, this has just set off a whole other grief "spiral." Yesterday and today I've had really bad days, crying all the time (at work), just back to that yucky messy feeling. I can't help but think that this must have all happened for a reason. But I just feel so crappy all over again.

I went to the gardens to find the orchids that reminded me of Josh, and the exhibit had changed. Only 3 white orchids remained and a bunch of new orchids were added. It just reminded me that times moves on, things die, and there's nothing we can do to stop it all. It makes me feel so out of control and hopeless.

This upcoming Tuesday will be 6 months since Josh's death. I knew I couldn't be at work so I took vacation time. I am going to visit my family and Josh's mom. I will spend one night over at their house, probably in Josh's old room.

Then tonight I brought up old issues with my mom (about how she was not supportive during the early months) and it crashed and burned. Our relationship may never be what I want it to be. I just really felt the need to talk to my mom since this guy's mom just died and he'll never be able to talk to her again.

Just another bad day. Just needed to dump. Thanks for listening everyone.

[dpodesta]

Kellymarie,

Wow, a lot to think about bieng in the for only 6 months. I to think it is great to meet someone new, I am not at that point myself but each person becomes ready at different times. I thnik taking some food over would be start, I know you barely know him, but I think it would be a kind gesture of friendship. I know this has had to bring up a lot of feelings for you being that Josh's death is so fresh still. Let the feelings come, it is just another aspect of grieving. Ask God for guidence, and he will help you throgh this and you will know what to do and say. I will pray that God will get you through this hurdle. God bless and have a good night.

[shell]

Kellymarie,

How sad, about the orchids. That is something I am trying very hard to deal with right now, that it seems NOTHING stays the same. It is so sad and scary.

I'm also so sorry that your relationship with your mom is not good. I just don't understand why people have to hurt each other so much. Why can't the people we need to be there for us BE there?

As far as feeling crappy again, I can totally relate to that. I thought I was doing good in the last few months and now I feel lost, weak, sad, confused...well, you get the idea...again. It just seems to never end sometimes, huh?

Try to get some rest on your vacation and I hope it goes well. I think seeing Joshs mom will help.

Hang in there and good luck with your new "friend"!

Hugs,

Shell

[kellymarie]

Thank you guys. It is a bit too much to deal with all at once.

Again, this whole situation has my head spinning. Why? (And I thought I had gotten past the "why" stage in greiving.) I would like to think that God put him in my life so that I could help him through this, to put my miserable experience to good use in some way. I guess time will only tell with all of these things.

Now I feel bad about telling my mom that I felt she was unsupportive. She said she tried and now feels like she failed as a mother. I clearly told her she did NOT fail as a mother, just that I felt like I couldn't call her when I needed someone to talk to. I did tell her that the majority of people in this world don't know how to react to grieving people. She replied with "yeah, you are intense." Thanks, mom. Way to make me think it's me that's nuts, not just that non-grievers don't understand grievers. It's a catch 22 with her. I don't know what to do. I tried to say that Linda just listens to me and I just listen to her. It's that simple. But now I feel guilty for telling my mom that because I'm afraid she'll think I think Josh's mom is a better mom than her. My mom has some irrational thought patterns. And my mom STILL won't just call me to say "hi" and "how are you" eventhough I told her that's all I need. arrrggggghhhhhhh......

I am looking forward to spending time with Josh's mom. I just know that certain things will be hard, such as going to the cemetary. She goes everyday and I know how important it is to her that I go with her when I'm there visiting. (I've been up 3 times since Josh died). I do want to go; I can't imagine going all that way and not going to the cemetary. It's just emotional. It also brings back memories of the random girl acting crazy at the funeral like she was his girlfriend... but whatever.... I have new memories now, going there with Josh's mom. It looked different from the funeral since the funeral was in the end of winter and the last time I went it was spring. So now, new memories, new seasons, new Kelly.

I'm still sad about the orchids dying.

Derek, You know it's funny. I was never a religious person. After Josh died, I just decided to go to church with a good friend of mine. I find it all interesting, still thinking about it all. But after reading many of your posts and others about praying, I've decided to try it out. I like it. Last night, two different things came to me while I was attempting the whole praying thing. One, send a card to my mom telling her that she is very important to me and that I love her. Two, start writing in my gratitude journal again (everyday you write down 5 things you are grateful for, even if all you can say is I have my health, home, etc.). So thank you for being here as an example. Also, in another one of your posts you mentioned you never thought you would consider an online group as your friends and family. I feel the same way. And I am SO SO grateful to have you all and to consider you as my family.

Wow, that was much longer then expected. Guess I had something on my mind?

xoxo, Kelly

[dpodesta]

You started the process of communication with this you will find out how receptive he is in expressing his emotions, just be there for him when he needs you. I know what you mean with your mother, with this situation my mom has been good. But in other times in the past, she coulde switch things around so easily it was like you had to be careful what you said and how you said it. I think that is very kind to send her a card like you want to, that may help her out in the long run. Well, I will be thinking about you and what you are going through, I am glad you have tried the praying, all I can say is keep it up and watch what happens, you will be surprised at the outcome of things. I try to ask God into my life each morning and it seems like if I don't I have an unusally bad day. Also when things seem real good, pray anyway. Keep in touch.

[shell]

Kellymarie,

I read something the other day about how everyone comes into your life for a reason, and I believe it. I'm sure this new guy is here for a reason and you will know why someday.

I hope the situation with your mom works out to be better for you. As we were talking about on another post, mothers can definitely cause you to feel guilty! Even when it's not our faults! Very frustrating sometimes.

Good luck with your trip and the visit to the cemetary. Hope your visit brings you peace and rest.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[kellymarie]

Hi all! Just a quick hello... I missed you all while I was on vacation!! It's strange to be gone from this site for so long!!

I thought I would share my vacation story. I planned a vacation last week for a couple of reasons: Tuesday was the 6 month anniversary of Josh's death, this week last year Josh and I were on vacation together in France and Switzerland, and I didn't want to be at work for all of that. I spent the week visiting my family, going to Maine with my cousins, and visiting Josh's mom and his friends. Although Tuesday was not the best day, being away from my normal routine (exploring Acadia National Park with my cousins!) made this otherwise very tough date so much more bearable! I am so very glad I planned this trip during this time. I highly recommend being out of your normal routine during tough dates.

It was great seeing Josh's mom and friends. The hardest part was sleeping in Josh's old bedroom. The only and last time I had spent the night there was the weekend Josh brought me home to meet his family for the first time. We were so in love then; I remember one night in his bedroom him telling me how I would never be alone again now that we were together. And there I was, alone in his bedroom. It was very sad; I would have NEVER imagined things would have turned out like this.

Visiting the cementary was not as tough as I thought it would be. It just is a reminder that times moves on. Last time I was there, pansies were in bloom. Now there are maroon and orange mums; I guess fall is here. Why does time move forward? It doesn't seem right... The upcoming holidays are looming...

As for my mom, I spoke alot about our situation with two of my aunts (my mom's sisters) while I was visiting. It was actually very good insight. They see alot of the problems and it made me feel alot less crazy. I just feel so bad for my mom.

Anyways, glad to be back here with everyone!

Kelly

[MartyT]

Welcome home, Kelly. We're glad you're back here with us, too

[shell]

Kelly,

Same here...glad you're back. I'm happy your trip turned out so well. I hope your new friend gets in touch soon.

Hugs.

Shell

[kellymarie]

Marty and Shell, Thank you both so much! I love this family. Kelly

[lorikelly]

I am glad that you had a wonderful trip. you deserve it. i took can't believe the fall is here and mom is gone 10 weeks. i am dreading the holidays which use to be my favorite time of yr. i have my boys and husband so i have to make it. i use to love the fall and the change of season and now i wish nothing changed. some days i am so afraid to keep going.

[kellymarie]

Lori, I too have been having a hard time lately seeing things change around me and it just doesn't seem right. It seems like time should have stopped the day our loved one died. I mostly notice time moving forward with plants and seasons. I first noticed it when the orange marigolds I planted for Josh in spring started dying at the end of summer. Then the orchid display at the gardens that reminded me of Josh and the orchid he gave me changed as the orchids died. Then seeing the fall leaves and pumpkins out; Josh loved fall and Halloween. It doesn't seem right and it's a reminder that times keeps moving even if we're not ready for it too! Kelly

[shell]

Lorikelly,

I, too, am dreading the holidays coming up! Last year I actually worked overtime trying to be cheerful and act like it was ok. It was such a strain! I think this year I'm just going to try to sort of float through them.....not try to be ANYTHING! I think I'll make hot dogs for Thanksgiving! Maybe celebrate Christmas on another day! It's so hard to cope with everyday life, let alone all the fuss of the holidays! Anybody else have any ideas how to get through them?

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnC]

I know holidays are hard, time moving on is hard. On my first birthday after Don died, I cried all day long because I was getting older and he was gone. I was turning 52, and he would never get older than 50. I was a mess. His 53rd birthday was last week, and I lit a candle and sang Happy Birthday to him. But I did a lot of crying again.

I find holidays hard also because I feel so envious to see my sisters with their husbands, and my parents who have been married more than 55 years. We didn't get that chance, and we didn't have children either. It's hard sometimes to see my sisters' happy lives with their husbands and children, and I am alone.

[shell]

AnnC,

At first I wasn't envious or jealous or bitter about other peoples happiness. But I find that now I am somewhat. My mom is having some real problems with her memory and her arthritis since my dad died and I often look at other people her age that are sharp and seem reasonably physically fit (she is 86) and resent them. I know I shouldn't, but I just think "Why can't my mom be like that? Why did she have to start having these problems?" I don't feel this toward people I love, but mostly strangers or people I don't like very much. I really hate feeling this way, but I can't help it. The other day at the pharmacy a woman started talking to me about how she and her mother had been shopping and she had just dropped her off at home and how she had more energy than her! How lucky she was that her mom was still with her and so well! It made me want to break out crying. I mumbled something about how nice that was and left. It hurts.

Hang in there, what you are feeling is normal!

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

hi i would feel that way about my mom. my mom died at 79 and i see people her age or older and wonder why she couldn't be that way. part of me understands but the other parts doesn't. i find myself looking at people who are with their mom or even if they are not. i wonder do they still have a mom . its so weird if i hear someone say mom i look to see what their mom looks like and how old they are. i am jealous and can't help it. then when i find someone who lost their mom, i almost feel better b/c then there is someone else like me, does that make sense. i think they will understand better. i just don't know anymore. feeling sad and the weather is miserable here raining and very depressing.

[shell]

Lorikelly,

Yep, that makes sense. I think what we are feeling is normal. It's part of the mourning of something lost. It's human nature to feel envious of others, especially concerning something this dear to us. I find I don't have much in common with people who have not had any significant losses. Like we are on two different levels. I also sometimes feel irritation and impatience with them too. Sorry your having a bad day. Hope the sun is shining for you tomorrow...both literally and figuratively!

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnC]

I feel like I just can't get past this. It's been 2 years and 4 months, and I really don't feel much better. And we weren't even married any more! We divorced in 1983, more than 20 years ago. I think that's part of it, that I regret all those years apart. We could not have stayed married, he realized he was gay, but I wish we'd known how to deal better with it, that we'd been able to remain friends or something. I miss all those years that I had meant to spend with him. We did sort of keep in touch. Then we were very close during his illness, the year and a half before he died, but it doesn't feel like enough.

Now my father has Stage 4 cancer, and I swear it's a race as to what will kill him first, the cancer or the chemotherapy. He's cold all the time, his fingers and hands are becoming numb, and he's too exhausted to do anything but eat and sleep. He likes to eat and the chemo at least is not making him nauseous, and my mother says that's all that's keeping him alive. It scared me to read of Ann Richard's death (the former Texas governor), because she had the exact same cancer my dad has, she was 5 years younger, and was diagnosed about the same time he was. I wonder if worrying about him is bringing back the grief about my ex-husband.

For the first time, I understand why people drink and take drugs. I don't do any of that, but the unrelenting pain makes it tempting. Just something to make the pain stop.

[shell]

Ann,

I'm so so very sorry to hear about your dad. Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease, huh? I hope the chemo does its work and he beats the cancer. Stay hopeful.

I do think this might be making your grief for your ex-husband worse. The love of my life died many years ago and I thought of him often through the years and mourned his death, but after my dad died, it came back to "haunt" me very intensly. I grieved all over again, maybe even deeper this time. I think it finally hit me how "real" it was. Sounds crazy, but we were seperated so much (a whole other story) that I don't think I ever really believed he was dead. He was just away. I'm also older and wiser....meaning I have no false hopes about life anymore! And, yes, I think of all the times I wish I had been with him more and things I wish I had said, etc... So I understand completely where you are coming from.

Hang in there. I'm sending good thoughts about your dad.

Hugs,

Shell

[AnnC]

Thanks, shell. It helps a lot to know I'm not the only one who feels this way (although I don't want anyone to feel the way I do!) We did get some better news about my dad today after yesterday's doctor appointment -- they are changing his chemo to help with the side effects, and it does seem to be working at keeping the cancer from growing, so that is good.

So I'm just getting through the days. I feel better today -- I have to remind myself that I have these days when I feel awful, but they are less frequent than they were two years ago. I guess it's just one day at a time, huh?

Thanks for the empathy and the good thoughts about my dad.

[shell]

AnnC,

That is good news about your dad. Like I said, don't give up hope. All cancer patients react differently and I've found the "stats" they throw around don't mean anything! He could do remarkably better than expected.

Yep, the good days and the bad ones....they just come and go. One day at a time is the only way, it seems, to get through this.

Hugs,

Shell