Should I Be Worse?

[chrissy777]

Hi everyone,

I have been asking myself this question alot lately. I lost my husband a little over 2 months ago and I seem to be functioning ok. I mean I am not who I was with him I feel like I have been reborn into a new person or something. I had a old friend call me who I havent spoken to in almost 2 years (she called because she ran into my sister who told her about my husband) , and she said I sound wonderful. I told her I have my moments. I hate when people tell me I sound or look good because I feel guilty like I should be worse or something. I had another friend tell me you are doing so much better than I did when I lost my mother. (I thought that was kinda insulting) I want to feel the way I use to but in order for that to happen I would need Jay here which isnt happening so I guess I kinda told myself your life has changed and deal with it. I dont think I would be this good if I wasnt pregnant.(38 weeks today) I love my husband very much and miss him more than anyone saying these things to me could ever imagine. I mean what do you do when you have your whole life as it is ripped away from you? Well thanks for listening. Take care everyone.

[STARKISS]

Hi Chrissy,

People deal with grief at different stage along their journeys, Some people are really emotional at first and some are not so emotional. You will have your good days and bad days as well... Some days who could be really, really okay but others you are an emotional wreck... So right now you are probably having a good day or days.... I hope this helps Take care Shelley

[JennO]

Chrissy...I have had the same experience..but when you have to go on and raise a little boy like I am trying to or protect that little person inside you as you need to, you just must do the daily stuff that allows you to function. Someone said on one of these sites that when someone says that to them they want to shout...ARE YOU CRAZY>>MY LIFE IS A MESS>>>I LOST MY BEST FRIEND>>>>.....and I have begun shouting that out (to myself of course) when people make that commment. Truth is that we are young and with a beautiful reminder of our husbands in our children (or soon to be born children) and we must figure out a way to proceed.

I also have feelings and concerns about what I am supposed to be feeling like right now...there is no MUST for stages we go through or what...but I still feel weird at times when I can carry on a normal day and not fall apart ten times...

I am beginning to not question the good days/moments/hours and let the bad days/moments/hours just be what they are..

[KarenH]

Chrissy,

I'm so glad to hear you're having some better days. Sometimes for me I can have the good and bad all in one day. I went away for the weekend with some of Paul and my best friends. At the dinner toast one man said We're glad to have Karen here tonight, we all miss Paul, but are happy to have her with us. And I think that just sums it up. We miss them terribly, but good things can still happen to us and we can be grateful for that. Of course it brought on some tears, but I got hugs and managed to have a very nice time. The waves come and go. Thanks for listening to me.

Karen

[kayc]

Chrissy, you guys are so wise! It is terrific that you have such a good attitude and focus, but like Shelley said, there will be good days and bad days...accept the good days and the bad days alike and give yourself permission to experience them as they come. Of course you miss your best friend...but you also have to make the best of it, which he'd want you to do, for your little one's sake. Do NOT feel guilty, we all handle things differently and in different timetables and that's okay, we're all unique, and it's no measurement of our love or what the other person means to us. Today is good...tomorrow you will deal with also. It will work out.

[Brooke]

HI Chrissy,

I can completely understand where you are coming from, I ask myself sometimes, is it fair for me to feel okay with this? and people will say to me I can't believe how good you look, and how calm you are. I started getting a babysitter for my son, and allowing myself to go out with some good friends and do things that we had never done before, like go golfing, and 4 wheeling (quading) at first I felt guilty for allowing myself to have fun and let go because Trevor was gone, but if there is one thing that Trevor had taught me through out this life is too short!!! I am glad you are doing better, and we all have our bad days, but it sure is nice when there is a little bit more good days then bad. Best wished to you and your baby Chrissy, Take care.

Brooke

[MartyT]

My dear Chrissy, Brooke and Jenn,

I'm in the process of reading a wonderful new book that I think might speak to you in a very personal way, and offer you hope as well. Entitled Love You, Mean It, the book is written by four young women whose husbands were killed in the attacks on the World Trade Center on September 11. Here is the editorial review from Publishers Weekly:

Four young women widowed by the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center were so bereft, so inconsolable, that they ended up forming their own support group, the "Widows Club." True, they found sympathy everywhere—from in-laws, co-workers, friends, grief professionals—but even their dearest intimates couldn't offer the absolutely unconditional acceptance and understanding of a sister sufferer. Collins could weep and tell stories about Tommy for hours, days or years, and Haynes wouldn't find it tiresome. Gerbasi could tell Carrington she'd seen "signs" of Bart—a bird outside her window, a bedside light flickering—and Carrington would understand, because her Caz was also sending messages. None of these women were interested in being "the perfect September 11 widow," working on protest committees, testifying before Congress and organizing fund-raisers. They just wanted to get through a day without dissolving into tears. In interfolded accounts, they each discuss how they met their husbands, how they spent September 11 and all the many ways they grieved. In the end, they each found ways to open themselves to new love, careful to keep the "Boys" and the Widows Club ever dear. "Love you, mean it," they'd tell each other over and over—and readers will love them, too . . .

Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

[chrissy777]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. I dont know why I let it bother me that I should be worse off or something I mean Jay wouldve wanted me to be okay not a mess. I know he knows how much I love him and always will. Its so hard to see my future without him. I never imagined raising our child alone. It scares me alot! I just want to be the best mother I can be and sometimes I feel I cant be that without Jason. He always had the answers for everything and knew what to do. I guess I am feeling "worse" today. Not to mention today was my Birthday and I would think about all the wonderful things he would do to celebrate with me and now it just seems purposless to celebrate today. I was kinda giving the baby a pep talk trying to get him out today, but no luck. Oh well thanks again And that book sounds nice I have been trying to read things to help with the bad days so I should try that book.

[JennO]

Marty T.

Thank you for the referral..I will look for it tomorrow. I have been searching for something like that and I ended up with DaVince Code instead..I guess it was a good distraction for a bit! Now to the business of grieving...,

[Brooke]

Happy Birthday Chrissy! It is my birthday today too, and I know how you feel, thinking about all the things that you did or would be doing. I hope you are still doing well.

Thank you for the book idea I will for sure be looking that one up.

Brooke