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How Can I Get Him To Understand ?

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My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years and I recently lost my grandma. (in March) As some of you have read my post...I am just now experiencing a lot of grief...the numbing , crying spells , just plain depresed. He does not understand why I am going throught this now when we lost her in March. My husband was very close to her as well and he took it hard as well but it is hitting me harder now than the initial loss. For example tonight we were at a freinds house and I was looking through a catalog and saw a beautiful christmas ornament that you hang on your treee in memory of thise loved ones that are no longer with us and I just started to cry. I just wanted to go home so I could cry alaone in my own house, so when I was aksed why I wanted to go home I just said I was tired...how can I make him understand? He is VERY supportive and lets me have my time and space but help me help him understand...anyone?

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I'm not married now, and never lost anyone while I was, so I can't offer any advice on this subject. Although I think we all have people (siblings, friends, etc.) in our lives who don't understand how we are feeling that how we handle them might apply to any person. Unfortunately, I have found that they either get it or they don't! I wish I could say there was some magic words, but I haven't found them! I hope someone else on the board has some great advice, something that worked for them, that they can pass on. Hang in there and feel however you have to feel, regardless of who understands or doesn't!



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Dear Friend,

One way to help your husband (and others) understand is to find an article or two that closely captures what you may be feeling and needing from him, then to ask him (or them) to read it. You’ll find links to several such articles, books and Web sites on the Helping Someone Who’s Grieving page of my Grief Healing Web site.

Another suggestion is to print out the following message (which I’ve also included as an attached file below):

My Dear Family and Friends,

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I am having because of this loss.

I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.

I may become angry without there seeming to be a reason for it. My emotions are all heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times.

I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.

Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.

Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith is not an excuse from the process of grief.

If you, by chance, have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is the worst thing that could happen to me. But, I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again.

Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I will always treasure.



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Thank you so much for that attatchement. That pretty much sums up everything that I have been feeling but have not had the words to say it. My granmother was the most important peron in my life )obviously a different love than I feel for my husband or children) and her death hs totally taken me back and knocked me off of my feet. There are days I feel that I can barely catch my breath let alone acomplish anything else but somehow I muster up the strength to carry on and "do what I have to do" (as she would always say) This website is qiute honestly the best thing that I have found to help me through the rough days. Thank you to all who take the time to reply.

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Hi, thartz:

I think men and women just grieve differently. My brother doesn't say too much; he has thrown himself into his work (we have a farm...he also has a night job). He doesn't want to go to a support group. But he will read the bereavement literature I bring him from my group, so I just make sure I get doubles of everything. I, on the other hand, have gone through the numbness, crying, depression etc. I'm sure my brother is grieving our Dad just as much as I am. He is just expressing it in a different way. Perhaps it is the same for your husband.

Wishing you comfort and peace,


P.S. Thank you for the letter, Marty. It is helpful to me as well.

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Thanks also for that I needed that I was second guessing things today for a few things going on in my life and the guy I am seeing we both have lost a parent and it is tuff because at times I forget that its not just me that is going through this.

Thanks alot


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