Reason To Stay Here?

[foxslady]

I've spent all nite and all day trying to find a reason to go on. It's been 4 months and 1 week since My Gene died, suddenly, without warning. Celebrated our 27 years married on Friday and Saturday. Worked on the house on Sunday, he went to work on Monday so happy and bouncy and died in the aftrnoon. Alone! All alone.

2 years since the hurricanes, we'd been working our selves to death, trying to make repairs. After having a horrible time with the insurance company for months, we finally got that settled and could start work. We hired a general contractor so Gene wouldn't have to work so hard. He took our insurance money and had the most incompetent, sloppy workers. We spent a full year correcting their messes, re-doing their shoddy work. I was so ill from the mold and drywall dust, but the GC did not help us out. Oh, he kept promising, but did nothing. Gene would work all day and then come home and work til late at nite. All we did for a year was work. Hard, miserable work. But Gene would not give in. He kept saying he was OK, but he wasn't. Every week from Jan. forward, the GC promised he'd have a competent crew come out and finish. But did not. Meanwhile, we did the work, so we could get back into our rooms.

I'm so filled with hate for the GC for what he did to us. I shall never forgive him. I didn't want for Gene to have to do so much. He said he was so tired that Sunday. Even after the GC knew Gene had died, he still continued to screw us.

Our side business went in the tank during last year because we would travel in the RV during the summer and sell product in other states. We had a good thing going and now it's all gone.

And I wonder why we tried so hard. We were so happy on the road, had friends and a life. We were best friends and lovers and business partners for 30 years. We were soulmates and completed each other. He loved me so much, which I didn't deserve; showered me with gifts, left love notes every day when he went to work. I hate myself for not seeing the signs. He was getting headaches but said he'd go to the Dr. when his VA appoinment came in May. And then they postponed it. So he did not go. May 1st was his last day.

It all is such a waste. Today I wanted to burn the GD house to the ground. It was for us, not me, alone. He loved it here, said he would not be anywhere else. I hate what it did to him. I don't sleep anymore without lots of meds. Then am stoned in the morning. I can't focus, or think. I bounce from piller to post. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. My kids invited me for dinner today, but I refused. Had some cookies. Some days I don't eat at all..could care less.

My son wants me to think about money and I don't care about that either. I flipped out when our broker called and wanted to talk about my "future". I said I have none and don't care. I guess I cried all that day. I have no interest in going on.

I've thought all day about ending it. I shall have to take my older dog with me. He's blind and deaf and can hardly walk. He mourns for Gene as I do. Looks for his truck to come. Somehow, he knew. He's as lost as am I.

I hate this house for what it did to us. I keep throwing things out, but not Gene's; only mine. I am going to call someone tomorrow to come and get the living room furniture. I'll just go room to room 'til it's empty. I dispise it all. I want it to be as empty as I am.

[lorikelly]

I am so sorry that you feel so much pain. i wish i could say something to make it go away. just know that you are not alone and all of us are here for you. do you see a therapist? maybe swithch your meds? i have read that some meds actually make you suicidal when they are suppose to help with depression. your husband would not want this for you, he may not be with you physically but i believe in my heart that they are always with us in spirit. i bet if you look hard you may even see signs of him. also look at your children he lives on in them and maybe someday in your grandchildren. take one moment at a time, if you can get through that moment then that is good. try to seek some help throught a counselor or clergy. pls give yourself time, you will have the strength to go on, for him. you took the first step and came here. keep coming and venting it will help. my prayers are with you.

[Rayon]

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband. Yes I know how infuriating it is when you're grieving and people are insensitive or try to take advantage. My dad died three weeks ago, and although different than your situation, some people were downright rude and mean to me at work when he was dying. Especially my boss, and yes sometimes I hate him too. And as awful as it sounds, sometimes I wish one of his family members would get terminally ill, so he can know what it feels like to have a dying family member while people are kicking you, your emotions, your feelings, while your heart is ripping to pieces. Yes, I will pray for you because I know the feeling, but I also know that life beautiful and precious, and I don't think our loved ones would want to see us so unhappy. As repetitive as it sounds, I think your husband and my dad really ARE in a more wonderful place, and watching over us, and would want only the best for us here on earth. Please be strong.

Edited September 11, 2006 by Rayon

[foxslady]

Thank you for your kind words. I feel I shouldn't have vented so much.

I feel somewhat better today; didn't take the meds for 2 days. Did go out for dinner yesterday to my daughter's and spent time with our grand daughter.

It helps reading the posts as it is re-assuring to know I'm not a nut-case. Except for my son and daughters, I don't talk to any one but for idle chit chat because I crack easily.

My son keeps a stiff upper lip; it's his way of dealing. He has Gene's ashes on a shelf behind his desk. He says he's over-looking all that he does. He really inspired the kids and was the perfect dad although they are not his own.

I've not had the courage to bring him home. I'm avoiding that. Can't say why. Maybe it'll be too real. and reality bites! I guess I'm still in denial of sorts.

Gene did not want a funeral; he hated them. And we had no viewing for the same reason. I did not want to see him like that because we were so happy on Sunday and clowning around and had a nice dinner. He said it was the best pork chops ever. That's what I wanted to remember. His smile and saying "I love You' which he said so often.

Maybe if I had, I'd not be in so much denial. Don't know.

In reading the posts, it's wonderful to know how many people really love their spouses. My daughter-in-law said to me that unlike most, Gene and I really liked each other. Now I know that many others do also.

Bright Blessings to all

[kayc]

foxslady,

I am sorry you lost your husband...it is a common thread for those of us here, yet it is one club I wish none of us belonged to. I remember feeling much of what you have been feeling, back when it was all newer...it's been nearly 15 months for me now. I remember wanting to go 90 miles an hour into a tree...but I couldn't because of my faith and because of the people who care about me, like my kids. But I didn't want to live and I didn't see any point. This site helped me a lot, there were those who went through the same things at the same time, like Walt and Evelyn and Spela, and they came to be my second family, the ones who understood. I remember seeing a refrigerator magnet that seemed like it was meant for me, it was a dragonfly, which I love, and it said "Find JOY in every day." I bought it, it became my inspiration. Every day I'd try to find something good in it...sometimes it was hearing a elk bugling in the yard, or seeing a rainbow or a beautiful sunset or the stars twinkling in the dark sky, or my dogs funny smile, or a surprise call from one of my kids or someone from church. Some days it was stretching it to find something good, but still, I tried. I encourage you to get our your feelings, some way or another, in a way that won't be destructive to you. If you can part with your furniture without financial hardship to yourself, then fine, it sounds like good therapy, an emptying yourself...but if you really can't afford to replace it, look for another way. Therapists are not for crazy people, therapists are for normal people like us that have found themselves in unbearably abnormal circumstances and are scrambling to do our best to deal with it. Therapists help point the way, help us with our focus, help us learn things about ourselves. Therapists can be a terrific help. Even though you are in acute pain, still, I can feel your smile as you talk about your husband. You love him, that is obvious, and what a precious gift that was and is still! Sometimes it helps us to consider what they might have wanted for us. You are just beginning this very trying journey, please keep coming to this site and voicing how you feel, it helps a lot. You have children, that is something to live for, even if they're grown and have a life of their own...they love us more than they let on.

[dpodesta]

foxslady,

It has been 5 1/2 months for me, and have had the same thoughts, in fact I was talking to someone else through instant messenging about that tonight. I know it is hard when we lose someone who we deeply loved. It seems like our whole world comes crashing in around us. I wish I could say when those thoughts will end, but I can't. I just know that from everything I have read and from the postings on this site that it will get better. Just have faith in God. Believe me, even that is tough at times. I hope and pray it will get better for you soon.

[Penny1]

Foxslady...

I am so sorry for your loss....

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.... we are all here for you to help you through the most difficult journey you must now face...

I know that feeling of not wanting to continue on....it would seem so easy to just close your eyes forever.... trust us all, it will get easier.... one day at a time....

I know that you feel it would be easier to destroy everything in your home rather than face it... Is that what Gene would have wanted?

When I lost my mom, my sister went and took everything of hers.... I have nothing...what I would give now to be able to touch her things.... walk through mom's home and to see all that she cherished... but due to circumstances, I will never be able to go back home....

If it helps you... then do as you must.... we will support you and be here to listen whenever you need to vent....

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[foxslady]

Thanks for your kind words.

I think I just have days of total insanity. Three hurricanes took everything out of us. The workload has been excruciating. We worked everyday for almost 2 years, dragging giant trees, cleaning up enormous piles of debris. Endless repairs on the buildings in addition to working full time jobs. had not taken a day off since August 2004 and it's still not done. Gene worked tirelessly and I know it was for me, which makes his death so much harder to bear. He always wanted more for me than I did. He fell and broke his ribs badly in the first storm and was putting on a roof after the 2nd storm 3 weeks later. I couldn't stop him and it makes me feel so guilty. I could see the defeat when, in February, we had a small tornado. The look on his face told it all. He couldn't take anymore. He said he was so tired. We both were but he got a chainsaw and started in right away, cutting up more trees so we could get into the house; dragging more heavy debris and repairing the garage again. He worked like that right up to the day he died.

All of this was for "us" not just me and now it's just me alone. I have days when I hate what this home that we loved so much did to us. Everything has become so un-important; it was all for naught. He's not here to be with me. We would watch the moonrise over the river and he would take me out side to see the sunsets or the stars. He just wanted me to be happy and now I'm so unhappy that I don't understand that if he's with me, looking over me, how can he bear to see my grief. His love was so enormous that it makes the hole in my heart that much larger.

I'm trying not to go off the deep end.

Reading this forum has helped and all of you have my heartfelt sympathy for your pain. I thought when I lost my Dad that it was the worst, but I was so wrong. I still cry years later, but it's nothing compared to my loss of Gene.

So I know how great all of your losses are. It's a terrible journey.

As always,

Bright Blessings

[kayc]

Penny1: How it grieved me when you wrote that your sister took all of your mom's belongings so now you have nothing of hers to touch. My mother in law was my best friend, and I took care of her for nearly three years when she was dying of cancer and bedridden. I still miss her today, 19 years later. When my husband of 23 years divorced me, he took everything that had been hers...even though he kept some things that had been in my family, and said they belonged in his family, even things she personally gave to me. That hurt but as I told him, "You can never take our (hers and mine) memories and relationship"...and that still stands today. Today I still put flowers on her grave and little care what he thinks about it because the relationship was between her and me and was separate and apart from him. Your mother loved you every bit as much as your sister and would grieve at what your sister has done but always remember that your relationship with your mom is just as strong...with or without the belongings to touch. I have a sister too that took what she wanted of my dad's without asking the rest of us if we might have wanted it and the rest my mom has promised to my brother so I have little hope of having anything of my dad's to remember him by, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...I was my Daddy's girl, his first born, the light of his eyes when I was little...and no one can take that away.

[Penny1]

Thanks kayc

This has been a very long and diffucult journey for me and you are right....

No one person in this universe can take away the love I have for my mom and our relationship we had... I have my memories which I will always carry close to my heart....

I will never understand why my sister did what she did.... It hurt deeply but I guess if she can live with herself then I must accept her actions no matter what....

My Mom.... she would be freaking out if she knew what my sister did.... I can only pray that Mom doesn't know.... my poor brother is in the same boat that I am and has nothing of my Mom's to cherish.... I had a couple of rings my Mom gave me a few years ago and I gave one to my brother and told him although it wasn't much, it was all I had to offer him....

Is it greed??? I don't really get it.... how someone could be so cruel.... first she was murdered and then to go into her home and take it all and give so much away without even considering either one of her siblings... she is obviously very messed up....

I guess that is one of the diffucult aspects that alot of us have to endure when we lose a loved one....

If only they could look in the mirror and see themselves for who they really are....and the pain they have caused....

Sorry... can you tell I am bitter....

Thanks for letting me vent....