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Thank you to all who responded to my posting. It was a bad day. Your support helped.

I read through the journal I kept for the last two years of Doug's life-Ever since the day he was diagnosed with primary pulmonary hypertension. I had never even heard of the illness before. It is a horrible disease. I watched an active man who never missed a day of his very physical job, who went hunting and fishing and who took me climbing in the Adirondack Mountains turn into a man that had trouble climbing the stairs at home.

There were so many doctor appointments and so many medicines. If I didn't keep a journal we could have never kept track. Each time we went to a doctor we would have to update them, each time we went to the er or to a new specialist I had to go through his entire history.

During the last two years there was not one week that he didn't have at least one doctor appointment. Usually it was two or three.

He was referred to a hospital in NYC. It's about 300 miles from where we live so it was always at least a one night stay. Twice when we went there he was admitted. The first time for a week. I had to travel by myself to and from the hotel in New Jersey where we stayed, to the hospital in Manhattan. I never really thought about it. I did it because I had to. Even if I was upset I could not let Doug see it because he just kept saying he was so sorry to put me through this. He's the one lying in a hospital bed with the pressure in his heart close to 100 and he is worried about me.

Anyway, we did all we could to keep him as healthy as possible. We took all the doctor's advise. He was put on the lung transplant list and was put on a continuous iv injection drug that is administered by a pump through a cath that was placed in his chest. A nurse came to the house and trained us on how to take care of everything. I was trained to change his dressing on the cath. Which I did wearing a mask and gloves from a sterile pack.

Doug was on this medicine for about a year and was doing better. This medicine slows the progression of the disease-there is no cure.

On June 2nd, 2006, Doug woke up sick with what we thought was a stomach bug. On the second day when he was no better, I said I was calling the doctor. We were told to go to the er. After many tests they found Doug had an infection in his blood-pseudamonas. Doug fought hard but went into sepsis shock. He suffered so in those last weeks. The images go through my head. I saw things no one should have to see. I had to make decisions that no one should have to make. It haunts me. Did I do the right thing?

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Terry,

You did the right thing. You did what you knew how to do and by the way it sounds, you learned how to do the things you didn't know. You stayed by his side through everything. You stayed strong for him and never gave up hope. You did the best anyone could have done in that situation. I lot of poeple now days give up when someone they love gets sick but you stayed and did everything humanly possible for him. You have nothing to regret. I applaud you for everything you did and I admire you for it.

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Terry,

We all have questions like that after our spouse dies, but the truth is, we make the best decisions we can with what we know...we loved them and they knew that. You went way above and beyond what anyone else would have, and he had to know how very much he meant to you.

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You should be proud of everything you did. you took care of him and loved him. He was probably so thankful and loved you so much. i am sorry that he had to have so much pain at the end. i know that it is hard to make decisions that we wish we didn't have to. you made all the right ones. remenber that.

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