Where Do I Go From Here

[Jasper]

Hi Everyone! I really hope I can get some feedback. It has been a year and a half today actually since my husband passed on with lung cancer. He had been diagnosed just a little over a year before that so you would think I would have adjusted. I was on medication for a few months and thought I was doing really well. As soon as I went off I took Giant steps backward. I have once again settled down a bit but just don't know how to start a new life. I have always worked but haven't since my husband got sick so have a lot of spare time on my hands. I just can't seem to be able to get motivated. I am 68 years old so think I am a little too old to think about going back to work although financially it would certainly help. It doesn't matter if you know they have a short time or not it still comes as a real shock when it happens. Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.

[gabrielle_land]

Hello Jasper,

I'm very sorry for your loss.. losing the one that completed you is the biggest ache I have known, and pain doesnt pass as fast as time does. I'm glad you joined the site, you may tell us anytime how are you feeling. There's alot of caring people here who are very supportive.

We are never prepared for a journey like this one, and it's impossible to know how we will feel the next day, it's like a rollercoaster of feelings, I personally don't think anyone ever can adjust easily to something as hard as losing a loved one. It's been 4 months for me and I know I have still alot to go through and every step I make, and will be making will be like baby steps, a very slow pace. It will be a year and a half for you tomorrow, and I understand how difficult it will be for you... just know that we are here for you and we will "listen" to you whenever you feel like expressing yourself, we all know what you are gping through and we will tryto help you as far as we are able to.

Blessings,

Gaby

[kayc]

Jasper,

You are 68 but I don't know how your physical stamina is or your driving...that can vary alot among people. If you are able to drive, you might consider a job like driving the senior van...I have a friend who is close to 80 who does that and she is an amazingly good driver and it keeps her active and busy plus supplements her meager social security income. Another friend of mine is in her 70s and she volunteers at the grade school, reading to the kids. In our town we have senior meals twice a week and that gets people out of the house, they have a good meal, and get a chance to connect with other people. I think it's important not to hole up at home...advice I need to listen to and take myself. Feeling useful and finding some purpose helps too. We know that life is altered and don't like it, but we are still here and need something to do, somewhere to go, someone to be around. Just consider some options...is there something you like doing, quilting, crocheting, gardening? If so, there are others that do too and maybe you could meet up with them. Or maybe it's a book reading club or exercise class...we have one at our church that is comprised of almost all seniors.

Keep up your search and eventually you will find something you can do. I wish you the best!

Edited November 13, 2006 by kayc

[Jasper]

Hi Gaby

Thanks so much for your caring. It's hard to remember back when it was just four months for me. I know it was very hard. I do find the more you can talk about the person it helps as we seem to be afraid people are going to forget them. We want to make them real for us. A good cry also helps. I will pray that God will show himself in your life. He is there but sometimes we get caught up in ourselves and don't give Him a chance to Help us. Thanks again. Jasper is actually my cat but is so much company for me. Something to meet me at the door. Take care.

[STARKISS]

Hi Jasper,

I am so very sorry for your loss, How is Jasper doing??? Give him a pat for me Take care Shelley

[Bebekat]

Hi Jasper,

I am at 18 months also. My husband died of pancreatic cancer. He was sick for only 10 months. I know at the end that he wouldn't bounce back. No, you're never really ready for it. At times it seems worse than when it first happened.

I work part time and also have my studies to keep me busy. I'm not yet ready to retire. Perhaps you could take a class, something fun to learn. If you do go back to work, make sure it's something you would enjoy. Don't think of it as work, think of it as an opportunity to meet people and keep in touch with humanity. Maybe some sort of club...gardening, sewing, book reading, cooking...the possibilities are endless.

Antidepressants are good for some, and are useful when appropriate, but sometimes you also have to make some effort to connect, to get back in the saddle agaiin, so to speak. It's hard, but can also be very rewarding.

[Jasper]

Hi kayc and Bebekat ~

Thank both of you so much for replying. You have both given me some very good ideas. All I have to do now is get the enthusiasm to do it. Maybe I will join the Senior's and take some kind of a course and I do know there is a lot of volunteer work around. I just feel like I want to do something with a challenge, you know, work for it. I don't want something that comes too easy. Bebekat, are you having a problem with Christmas coming? I got through last year without too much of a problem but this year I find harder. Can't figure that one out. Kayc, I know this one will be hard for you, do you have plans? Just know I am thinking of you both. May God Bless.

[kayc]

Jasper,

Thank you for asking...I think I'll be okay on Christmas, I'll have my kids here. Last year was the killer...my first Christmas without George. And it was on Christmas eve. that his "friend" told me that George had pawned the ring I gave him for a wedding present (it disappeared when he died, I'd seen it the week before, I never found any pawn tickets or the like). I finally figured out that it was more likely that his "friend" ended up with it since George stayed down there during the work week and didn't wear it to work because of the possibility of it catching on machinery...and of course, I haven't heard from "the friend" since. Last Christmas was a real bummer for me. I can't say as I'm looking forward to it this year, I can't get in the mood for stuff like that and of course, being out of work, I'm too broke to buy anyone anything for Christmas, but it's always good to see the kids and I have to put on a positive face for their sakes. I really don't want to think about it yet, it'll be here soon enough.

[lorikelly]

Kayc

That "friend" is horrible. i believe nothing good will come to a person like that. i just don't understand people and how they live there lives. why would he have told you this anyway, there was no reason to tell you that. he knew it would upset you. i am sorry kay. lori

[chrissy777]

Jasper (that is cute kitty name),

My cat helped me alot in the beginning too. Now I have my precious son Thanks be to God. I am at 4 1/2 months. I was hoping it got easier at a year and a half but I dont think it ever will. Each new day brings new challenges. I find it harder with Christmas coming than Thanksgiving. Christmas used to be a very happy time for me. I here Christmas music now and feel like breaking down. I wish these stores would wait until December at least before they started playing the music. It is so hard at this time. I know what you mean on not knowing where to go from here. I do have my son and I am so thankful for him, but we had our plans. We were going to both get back to work in Nov. Jason and I had so many plans. To buy a home and begin our family with our son. Cancer had taken him actually the treatments for it did. Now you feel where do I go. Do I stay here where every memory slaps me in the face constantly. I can still see him everywhere I look. The nursery is especially hard. It was his project and God bless his soul it is so beautiful. I think deep down he knew he wasnt coming home from the hospital. Even the car seat was in the car and I was only at 5 months. Sorry to go on about me. I pray that God will be with you during this difficult time. Take care and God bless.