Out Of Control

[Laurie]

Does anyone know what I mean when I say I feel completly out of control? It's the only way I can think to describe it. My head is just so full of stuff that I can't even comprehend it all. It feels like I can't keep up with my thoughts. I think about Sean and our relationship and his death every single second. It's already in my head when I wake up, I would think there would be a moment when I woke up that I'd remember, but I already know. Is this how it is for everyone? Even while taking care of my kids, working, talking to people, all these thoughts are spinning around in my head. I can't clear it, I cry, I write, I talk to Sean, but it doesn't stop. Is this what happens? Does it stop after a while? All I do is cry and think constantly. I feel like I can't cope with this. Laurie

[LarrysGirl]

Laurie, I wanted to tell you that thoughts of Larry stay with me morning and night. What I do with my day, what I will eat, what to do about Christmas, etc. It never stops. I can't make a decision and even trying to wears me out. I've never felt so tired in my life. What bothers me more, is that those around me seem to never think of him, and it makes me feel even crazier. Just wanted to share so you wouldn't feel alone with all those thoughts. I think its normal, you are grieving. Deborah

[Laurie]

Thanks Deborah, I hope those constant thoughts eventually stop. I want to be able to think about other things too. I know, it does make you crazy that everyone around us just keeps on going. I'm tired all the time too, and achy too. I don't sleep well, plus I'm emotionally exhausted. All I can think today is, How does anyone get through this????? It doesn't seem possible. I guess we just have to trust that time will help, I hope so because this is so horrible. Laurie

[spunkye]

Hi Lauri,

My husband died a little over three months ago and I think I was in shock for a few weeks - the blow was cushioned, although I cried a lot.

Then, up until about two weeks ago, I didn't think I could stand it another minute. I was in such pain on such a consistent basis - I couldn't stop thinking and I would just wail and sob uncontrobally for hours and hours...instead of getting better it was getting worse.

I started frantically looking around for a grief group or counselor - and couldn't find one.

I went to the doctor on an unrelated condition, and while there we talked about it. She prescribed a doubled-up-dose of Nalproxin - an antidepressant - and for the first time in all this time I'm beginning to feel like I have a fighting chance. Before that I was drowning.

It doesn't alter your perception of life - it isn't mood altering - it just gives you enought of a lift to grab on to the life boat! I still cry and tear up and sometimes get angry and pouty and screamy that he "left me"...but it's not that unbelievable pain - I don't even know how to describe...but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

In the meantime I did find a grief group I'm going to start and I found a Christian counselor I'm going to set up an appointment with - that will help me get a better perspective on where Dick is, purpose, God's love and caring and the future. I figure anything I can do to move through this and turn out to be a better person for it, the better off I (and everyone else ) is. The way it's b een so far is that I've been terribly selfish and self-absorbed and can't seem to think about anything but myself...

I hope this helps - me AND you.

Love, Benita

[Laurie]

Thank you Benita, I have a doctor apt. today and I'm going to ask him if I might need something stronger than the wellbutrin I'm taking. I also started seeing a therapist too. The way you described how you felt up until two weeks ago is exactly how I'm feeling now. Love, Laurtie

[chrissy777]

Laurie,

I went through a period where all I could do was think of him lying there and our life and just cry and cry. Right now I think I am doing better (5 months) You go through stages and just when you think you are getting a little better bam it hits you again. I truely do beleive you go through all this terrible greif to be reborn in some sort of a way. We cant get them back and I already came to that conclusion. For a long time I thought I could get him back like he just left me for someone else or something. What you are feeling is normal and I dont know how long it will last for you B/c everyone is different but trust me it gets a little easier with time. I hope it will get a little better soon. Take care/

[Laurie]

Thanks Chrissy, I know it's gonna take time. I guess I just have to hang on and wait. This might sound strange, but this is the only time in my life that I couldn't have something I really wanted. Ya know what I mean? It doesn't matter how much I cry plead or beg, I can't have him back, no matter what. I know your husband was young too, and it hurts so bad that they had so many more years they should have lived. So many years they should have been here with us. Reborn is a good way of putting the way this changes you. I know I will be a better, more compassionate person for it. It sure does teach you what's really important in life, and to make sure you make the most of it. Thanks, Love Laurie

[lorikelly]

Laurie

You are not losing your mind, you are grieving. we have all been like this. i remenber the first couple of months and from the time i woke til the time i TRIED to sleep my mom was on my mind. For 6 straight weeks i had diarhea and could barely eat. i lost wt , i didn't need to and was suffering so bad from anxiety attacks. my legs would shake and i would pace, the guilt and pain consumed every waking moment. i prayed just to be able to get through the moment. i went to the dr, got zanax which helps with the anxiety, it take as needed and notice i need it less now. the diar. stopped and one day i said to myself that if i didn't try to eat i would die. i forced myself to eat one tiny meal a day. i started with a 1/4 of a sandwich and did that for a while. i realized my mom wouldn't want me to die. i have my boys and husband. i use to find my self begging everyday for her to come to me, screaming at the top of my voice. sometimes i would lay on the floor almost having a tantrum b/c i wanted my mom so bad. it made me feel like a 3yr little girl needing her mom. i still need and want her . i now know that no matter what i do i can't have her. no barganing , no screaming , no hunger strikes it just doesn;t work that way. i find myself praying more now for strenght and i just tell God i can't do it with out him. i talk to my mom everyday and i do cry everyday. now i am going through insomnia , i just called the dr for a sleeping pill b/c i am going to collapse. i don't want to take my antidepressant b/c i think i can do it on my own. i hope so but i do have it if i need it.

what i am saying is that we all have gone through this , you are not losing your mind, having a breakdown you are feeling everything that is normal . i know that you say you have alot of guilt from things , i can understand i have mine. this is the worse it eats you from the inside out. i try to tell myself no , i will not let it come into my mind. sometimes it works but sometimes not. i only just started doing this. you are still early in your grief, i am 6 mos and you are much less. i have to say that the 3-4 mon. was horrible. i felt like it was the beginning again. i realize now i will have times like that and i have to be thankful for the peaceful moments i do have.

i am not decorating this yr like i always do. i will put up the tree but downscale my decorations. this will be easier. i know it will get worse as it gets closer but i will take my zanax and pray. God is all i have right now to get me through this. i will pray for you. know that i am her for you .

lori

[Laurie]

Thank you Lori, The doctor put me on Zanax too. He said it will help me sleep. He changed the Wellbutrin from 150 mg to 300 mg. I described to him how I'm feeling and he said when you're grieving, you can feel like that for up to 2 years. I also lost a lot of weight, 16 lb. I started another cleaning job today. It went well, but as soon as I left I felt so sad. I just want to tell Sean about things, things that happen, and I can't. Well I do, I talk to him all the time. But he can't answer me. I still beg him for signs to let me know he's ok. It hurts so bad.

Lori, I never really thought too much about losing my parents. But since talking to you, and needing her now through this, it makes me realize how hard it must be. I think of you when I call my Mom now, and I realize how hard it must be to not have that. It's very scary to me now to know that this isn't gonna be the only time I'll lose someone I love. Life is hard, and very sad. Love, Laurie

[suetrublu]

Lori -

I just read your description of the grief process you have been going through about your mom, and wow! Its an exact description of what I'm experiencing! Since my partner Ernie died on 10/25 I can barely eat, and I had to take xanax for weeks to get any sleep at all. I'm seeing a counselor now too, and have a doc looking after me, but am not sure that they are helping me get to the root of what I'm feeling. I miss him so bad, its almost a sickening feeling. The only thing that makes it easier is realizing that he's ok. Its me that has to go on, has to make some sense of all this. Peace be to you through the holidays, which I know must be so hard for you. If you have any insights about how to get to a better place emotionally, it'd be great to hear. Thanks - Sue