My Dad's Death

[jc1030]

Hi everyone,

New to the boards.

My dad died at the end of October from a stroke. It's still a shock right now and I still relive the worst 4 days of my life in my mind. It's been real hard to lose a loved one at this time of the year. Thanksgiving was tough; I imagine Christmas and New Year's will be a rough stretch as well. I also visited my dad's gravesite this past week because Tuesday was his birthday. I also summoned the courage to look at old family photos. It's kind of sad knowing how quickly 36 years have passed.

I have these feelings of guilt whenever I think of some of the conversations I had with my dad earlier this year where I wasn't patient enough with him when I should've known at 82 some of his thought processes weren't as quick as they used to be. Even though I apologized to him and he didn't hesitate to accept it, I feel bad about starting it to begin with.

It's also tough that I didn't see or talk to him one last time. I last saw him a week and a half before his stroke, and when I returned from vacation, the stroke happened a few days later. I know I couldn't have predicted this, but I can't help but feeling this way even though many have told me not to beat myself up about it. I hope this isn't unusual during the grieving process.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me.

Jeff

[Sandra-T]

Jeff, I do know what you feel, My Mom died rather suddenly(we had about 7 weeks to know she was sick with cancer), and I have guilt that I didn't see her more. At first she didn't want or need anyone around, but I still wish I had gone over more. As she became much more ill quickly, I was with her a lot more. But I still feel bad about the missed time. It seems that no matter what anyone does, when a loved one dies we wish we had done more, or not done something, etc. I believe that is a normal thing, seems pretty common to most emotional people anyway. I am sorry for your loss. Mine was a week ago today, and it is still like I am walking in a fog. Good luck and take care

Sandra

[Paul S]

Hi Jeff,

It is fruitless to beat yourself up over things like being impatient with your Dad because he was 82. I was that way sometimes a little with my Mom (she was 89) but in retrospect I think I was more frustrated with her for having gotten old, as if that's a bad thing or she could have done something about it. That doesn't make it any better, but at least you know that you're not unique.

I had more than made up for it, but still, every so often I get a pang of guilt over something I said or did. Part of the territory.

[KittyLove]

Hi Jeff--

I know what you mean. After my gpa died (suddenly, within 3 weeks of an operation)in July I kept saying to myself I should of..., I should of..., I should of..., I should of...

The feeling of 'what if I had only...' kept playing out in my mind for months. Then I started thinking that I am going to go crazy if I dont start thinking about everything I did do for him for all my 34 years. I did A LOT for him..and in turn, me. I know I brought him happiness and friendship. I was there for him when he got sick in the hospital. I bought him a $50 bouquet of beautiful flowers when I first went to see him only to find out he didnt remember my trip or who got him the flowers. I wasnt upset, what could he or I do- he was saturated with morphine.

Anyway, he was 85. I know I did things to upset him and frustrate him, but I know he loved me. Maybe that is the way it was with your dad? Please try to think about all the beautiful, happy times you guys got to share and how it has enriched your life.

I'm so sorry all of us are dealing with these things. It's tough.

I'll keep my head up, if you do, too.

KL

[jc1030]

Paul,

You're probably right, perhaps the frustration came out of the fact my dad was old and had to work harder towards remembering the more common things in life. It definitely appeared he was senile, but I don't think it was dementia since I had no problem having a lot of conversations with him. This was hard since he was an educated man up to the doctorate level, although where I work, I have definitely encountered a lot of people who are educated but not necessarily knowing the ways of common sense life things.

KL,

I am trying to think of the many good times that I shared with my dad, and even though he never regained consciousness I hope he could feel my presence and that I was there as much as possible when he was in the hospital in his final days. No child would do this if they didn't love their parent.

I suppose as time goes on and a few months have passed I won't beat myself up as much. We'll see.

Jeff

Edited December 13, 2006 by jc1030

[shell]

Jeff,

When my dad died my mom seemed to develope senility overnight! I think it might be dementia, but I'm not sure. But my point is that I can totally relate to what you were saying. My mom just seems to have lost thinking logically (sometimes she's better), doesn't use the right words or uses opposite words for what she means, can't seem to say what she wants to using the right words. Anyway, it is so painful to see someone you love go through this. It is almost worse than my dad dying, because although my mom is here, she sometimes isn't REALLY there. It's heartbreaking. And there are times I get impatient and almost angry at her and I know that's not fair (it's not her fault) but I think I am mad that this has happened to her. I'm getting much better at handling it, but there are days I still want to rip my hair out over the frustration of the situation. And even though we know it's obviously not their fault, it is still stressful. So don't feel guilty about your frustration...a lot of us have been there too.

Hugs,

Shell

[jc1030]

It's going to be almost two months since my dad died, and it still hasn't truly sunk in. Right now, I keep thinking about many moments I had with him; not just the major events of our lives, but also little things and interactions when I was young and when I was older.

Having said that, there are moments when I wonder if it was just his time. In his final years, he never really left the house other than to go out once in a while to the grocery store, drugstore, and library. So I'm thinking whether his stroke wasn't necessarily a bad thing because the quality of life was not really there. Course, it's kind of horrible for me to think this, yet there are brief moments when I feel a little relief.

Obviously, the family member who dies no longer worries about anything; it's the rest of the family that has to pick up the pieces. I know I still have a lot of grieving to do. I can only hope that my dad and the man upstairs can see that, and I hope to someday get a sign from my dad that I don't have to grieve for him as much anymore.

Jeff

Edited December 23, 2006 by jc1030

[Trudy1964]

Jeff,

I'm sorry you are still going through a rough time. It' been five months that my Mom passed and sometimes I think it still hasn't sunk in yet. As much as I miss her, I do believe the man upstairs had so much to do with the timing. Cancer took her life after only 3.5 weeks of knowing she had it. But I think she actually stopped "living" 4.5 weeks before when she had to start wearing an oxygen bottle. My Mom didn't want to give us kids (I'm 42) any trouble. Worrying about that oxygen bottle was too much trouble for us. She couldn't visit and do the favorite things because we had to worry about hauling it around for her. I really feel in my heart that's when she gave up. God made it quick and painless. I thank him for that. Sometimes it still seams like a dream. I miss her sooo much. Merry Christmas in heaven Mom. I love you.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[shell]

Jeff and Trudy,

I agree with both of you. My Dad's arthritis had gotten so bad he couldn't play golf anymore (his lifelong passion!) and he just didn't seem to care about life much anymore. When he found out he had cancer, I don't think he cared as much as you would think. He died exactly a month later, and I, too, am so thankful it was short and painless. And, Jeff, you're right that it helps bring you some feelings of relief. Maybe, as bad as it is, we shouldn't mourn the loss so much. Maybe it truly is a blessing in disguise sometimes.

Hugs to you both,

Shell

[jc1030]

Hi Shell,

Some of my friends told me that maybe this was just a routine that my dad liked in his final years; that it wasn't necessarily an indication of a lack of quality of life. Maybe they're right I suppose. If there's one thing he doesn't have to deal with any longer it was his depression issues that just made life miserable for him at times if he wasn't on his medication.

Anyway, just rambling a bit. All I can say is I'll be glad when 2006 is over. For me, this year it won't be about a Happy New Year but a good riddance to the previous year, which is unfortunate. All the good things and good times that happened to me and my family will be forever overshadowed by those four days at the end of October. The new year is going to be an interesting journey as the first full one without my dad.

Jeff

[shell]

Jeff,

It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Part of you feels peace that they will not have to suffer in any way again. Another part wonders if, even with suffering, we still want to live. Unfortunately, we'll never know, I guess. Or maybe we will someday. All we can do is try to think the best thing.

I know how you feel about 2006. Like the holidays, most of us will be glad it's over and hope that we will move on, that things will get better, and I'm sure that will be the case. I'm trying to adopt a more positive approach!

Hugs,

Shell

[Leann]

Hi, Jeff:

Please accept my condolences at your Dad's death.

I truly empathize with you. My Dad had a stroke 12/14/05. Right up until he had his stroke, he was an active man still helping my brother with the farming. As a result of the stroke, his speech as well as his left arm, hand, and leg were affected. What really broke my heart was to see him get soooo frustrated because he couldn't do for himself. He apologized to the nurses over and over when they helped him clean up after he went to the bathroom. He really worked hard at his rehab....his speech came back to normal and he regained use of his left hand and arm. By the time he passed away in June, he could use a walker with assistance. His death in June (on Father's Day) was a shock to everyone. He had another blood clot which went to his heart. I struggle with my emotions as well. Of course I wish he was still with us (every single day).....but then on the other hand, I think about what his quality of life would have been like if my Dad would have lived (what if the clot had caused another stroke?) Perhaps the outcome of a second stroke would not have been like the first....I truly would not have wanted to see my Dad in bed, possibly unable to carry on a conversation, possibly not knowing who I am, unable to be out working with the animals etc. At any rate, things worked out how they worked out. I try to comfort myself with the thought that Dad didn't have to go through any more of that stuff and is at peace and at rest.

My Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in 1981, when I was a senior in high school. She's now 80. As many of my dear friends on this board have said, please don't beat yourself up. Caregiving is stressful and exhausting. Sometimes, you do lose patience because you feel so wiped outor you have to repeat the same thing over and over for your loved one. Then the feelings of guilt start. I attend a support group in my area for Alzheimer's families, and it has helped a lot. So has this discussion board.

2006 has been such a long year and I'm soooo glad to see it go. As Shell said, though, it helps to try and stay positive; I've been doing some self-talk. I'm really trying hard to look forward with hope.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann