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It's Been Real Quiet Here Lately


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The last few days no one has been posting...it's funny how alone I feel when that happens. Usually when people are writing it makes me feel not so alone. I've noticed I've been struggling with depression, and it's not just cuz I was out of work or because of financial constraints and fear. Now I am just plain exhausted...I go to work in the dark and come home in the dark and I get home in time to eat and go to bed. It makes me wonder what the point is in life. I've noticed that Friday nights seem to be a really difficult time for me...it's when everyone else starts the weekend with their families and have plans...and I get to go home alone after an exhausting week. It's like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I cry a lot and don't sleep much. Today was better, my kids are here and my son got a Christmas tree and put it up and my daughter helped me decorate it. It really does look pretty. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't have bothered. But it does look nice to have the house clean and decorated. But all day I've been reminded of George...seeing his ornaments on the tree. And we hung his stocking on the entry closet door. So many memories have come flooding back to me. He was one very special person. He loved me so much and I felt the same way...I look at a picture of us from a Christmas in the past and we just look like the happiest old couple, smiling on the couch while we watched all of the festivities going on around us...we thought we'd grow old together and have years left together, but we didn't. It's so hard to comprehend. I try so hard to rebuild my life and not to focus on my loss...but sometimes it just comes smashing in on me with full force and lately, it's been like an underlying heaviness deep within my heart. I hope you are all doing all right with all of the festivities going on. Office parties, Church programs, etc...it's all a little hard and it brings back memories of a happier time.

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Edited by kayc
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Yes, it has been quiet. I supposed we're all doing what we have to..getting through this season. For me I've become an expert at putting on "a face". Eighteen months and another Christmas without Gene. I thought I had myself adjusted for being alone...you know...cell phone for emergency....AAA plan for when I'm on the road....emergency phone numbers in vehicles and purse (can't sell his truck). Then I get a virus this week......no meds...no chicken soup....no Tylenol...no nothing. And alone am I. Couldn't ask my neighbors as they are all "senior" senior citizens and I don't want to be responsible for anyone getting sick. Gene would have tucked me into bed and babied me with all his love. So I've had my pity-party this week with my little dog beside me. Then yesterday I put up that tree.......I hate it but grandchildren are on their way next weekend..the ones that still believe in Santa. And I hung Gene's picture ornament at eye level for the little ones so they could point and say "Grandpa!".

Dear Santa, since I cannot have what I want please send me a dream. A dream where I can feel again, wrapped up in a blanket of Gene's loving arms. I miss him so.

Always Gene!

Always!

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Oh Evelyn,

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I hope and pray you get to feeling better really soon, you are such a special lady! I, too, have a picture ornament displayed of George on the tree...and our special 1st Christmas ornament of two bears skating together...they look so much like us! Bears was our thing...it's what we had on our wedding announcements.

I hope you have a good time with your grandchildren next weekend. He knows how much you miss him...they left such huge gaps behind them!

Edited by kayc
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You can read the background to one of my favorite songs here and also listen to the first two minutes:

Someone is Missing at Christmas

The song will bring tears but the last part does bring some hope also:

Candle-lit snapshots of Christmas gone bye,

You in your favorite chair.

Memories like snowflakes melt in my eyes.

I look, and you’re not sitting there.

Someone whose love is my favorite gift.

Someone whose presence is my Christmas wish.

Someone is missing at Christmas –

--- Wait --- someone is touching my heart….

Someone has heard me and answered my call.

Someone I love is not missing at all.

Someone is with me at Christmas.

Someone’s right here in my heart.

Someone I love is with me this Christmas!

And will be each Christmas to come!

It will be 20 months for me on December 13th.(Jeannie died two days after her 59th birthday.) I go in for a heart stress test on Decemeber 13th also, so please wish me well. (I had a quad by-pass in July.)

kayc - I agree that it is lonely here when postings stop, even for a brief few days. I am sorry to read of your difficult times, especially at this supposedly happy time of the year. It is good to know that your children will be with you to help share memories of happier times. :)

Evelyn - its good to see you here too. :) I am glad that you had your cute little white dog to give you company and comfort durung your virus last week. I do hope that you feel better now. Remember - Gene is always with you also, right there in your heart :excl:

Edited by WaltC
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I hadn't written either lately and when I looked it was way too quiet. I almost didn't want to disturb anyone, if maybe you were coping better than me. I'm torn between two worlds now, the one before Larry died and the one I'm left with. I miss a tree, yet I can't bring myself to actually go and get one, it doesn't seem right, how could I. I feel like I'm so out of touch with the rest of the world busily getting ready for Christmas. Sometimes I really forget its coming. I've not done a thing. All the beautiful lights we would put up, all the decorations around the house and I just can't imagine unpacking them and remembering. It hurts too much. My hospice lady said it all is mixed with joy and sorrow and you need to try to do some of it and remember the good times. I do remember, thats why I just can't take it. Thank you Walt for the song, I haven't gone to hear it yet but I know in its own way there will be sadness but comfort. How could this grief feel any other way. I wish for you all strength, some peace and grace to carry on thru these next couple of weeks. Deborah

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Sorry i haven't written as much as i should but somedays its just hard. someone gave me a ornament for my tree yesterday, it say spending Christmas with Jesus in Heaven. i put it on the tree and cried. i just miss my mom. I wish for all of us peace and happiness. God Bless. Good luck Walt with the stress test, let us know how it goes. Lori

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I feel so badly for all of you, without your life partners, especially during this time of year. I can only hope that someone will be there, physically, in your lives to try their best to lay a patch of love over the holes you now have in your hearts, even though those holes couldn't possibly be filled up entirely. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who are feeling the desolation and depression that goes along with such a loss.

And thank you, Walt, for sharing that eloquent and so-touching song with all of us, as it speaks to so many of us, no matter our type of loss. My first cry of the day, with more to come, I'm certain. I only wish I could order it, but the site said it was permanently out of stock...too bad cuz it's a keeper.

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Walt,

Thank you for sharing that beautiful song with us. I don't know how you always find them, but you do! We will all keep you in our prayers as you go through your stress test.

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