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Merry Christmas To All.


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I haven't posted in awhile. I have checked in to read the postings though, to see how everyone is doing. I am so sorry for the pain each of us is dealing with. One more day to get through and Christmas is over. I did all the traditional things that I have done for years, only this year I did them alone. Doug always rolled, cut and baked the cookies and I would frost them. Doug always went shopping with me. I would wrap the presents and Doug would arrange them under the tree. He would always shake the ones for him and try to guess what they were. Although they still make me cry right now, I am glad for those simple, happy memories.

On December 19th it was 5 months since Doug's death. I still feel like I'm waiting for him to come home. 5 months seems like a long time to still feel this way. I just don't want to accept the fact that I am truly alone. I am scared to be alone.

Thanks for listening.

Terry

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Terry,

I understand. It was 5 months for me Dec 5th.. I am scared of being alone too. I hope everyone can find some happiness in memories for me they just made me cry and breakdown. I know it may not be healthy but I have tried to forget it is Christmas at all. I am going to make today a normal day for me. I wish the best for you and for everyone today and in the coming year.

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I actually did a lot better this year than last year at Christmas. I must admit I didn't want Christmas to come, I didn't want to get into the festivities and I didn't want to shop, decorate, etc., but my kids forced me into it. Even though they are grown, they are still young, so I made an effort. I'm glad I did. We had a nice day yesterday. I cooked all weekend and was too tired to do much thinking. Yesterday after we opened presents, I looked up at George's empty stocking hanging on the wall and did some thinking about him and, briefly, about Christmases past. But instead of lingering on it too long, I decided to relish the good that it was and accept that it is no longer, and continue...

I can't change that he isn't here. I was lucky to have him in my life, I love him, I miss him, but he isn't here. I still have my kids, I have my boyfriend, a dog, two cats, a warm home, and a job. I have a lot to be thankful for, even with a hole in my heart. I guess this is part of the acceptance. I didn't hear from his kids, I am sorry about that, but that is their decisions and however they choose to deal with stuff is up to them. I wish you all a better year. I know it's hard to understand any measure of acceptance when it is all still so fresh...and especially hard for those who've spent their entire lifetimes together and they don't know anything else. I know your road is rough, I pray for you all and feel for you. I love you, each and every one of you.

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I can't change that he isn't here. I was lucky to have him in my life, I love him, I miss him, but he isn't here.

Tuesday – December 26th, 2006

Dear Kay - My feelings are my own personal problems and not your concerns, but I felt bad when I read your post here:

"Yesterday after we opened presents, I looked up at George's empty stocking hanging on the wall and did some thinking about him and, briefly, about Christmases past. But instead of lingering on it too long, I decided to relish the good that it was and accept that it is no longer...

I still have my kids, I have my boyfriend..... I have a lot to be thankful for.... I guess this is part of the acceptance. I didn't hear from his kids... I know it's hard to understand any measure of acceptance when it is all still so fresh..."

I find it so sad when I read about someone's spouse who died about the same time as mine did gets "lost" in the past and "replaced" by a new boyfriend or girl friend. I suppose that I should feel happy for the widow or widower.

You are correct when you recognize that it is "especially hard for those who've spent their entire lifetimes together and they don't know anything else...." - that is my situation. :(

Perhaps, that is also how George's children feel also - that their Dad cannot be replaced by another. :unsure:

However, I do wish you well in the future and I hope that you and your new boyfriend have a healthy and prosperous New Year in 2007. I know that you have been an inspiration to many who read your postings. :):):)

Perhaps those of us who cannot inspire others should restrict ourselves to just reading posts and not respond if we can't be positive about the future. But that would not be realistic - the world is not a perfect one. Meanwhile, I return to my own private "pity party" and relish the thoughts of past Christmases and look forward to a future re-union with my late spouse. :(:(

Edited by WaltC
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If we all just posted the good stuff and not the hard times and negative things that go on with us, then no one would get any help on this site. People need to see that they aren't the only ones that feel certain ways especially negative ways. It is normal. It also gives hope when we read about someone falling in love again, it tells me that at 37 it is possible again sometime.

Derek

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My dear Walt,

I am sorry you found my post so offensive. I realize it is to some people, and yet it really shoudn't be that way. We all know that we cope with things differently, and also that we don't all travel down exactly the same road. We lost our spouses about the same time, and yet our situations were not exactly the same. I had just learned that my husband had been lying to me repeatedly throughout our marriage and that he'd been doing drugs and wiped me out financially. I was married to him exactly 3 years and 8 months...not 50 years. Regardless, I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life and will never have what I had with him again. He is not replaced, not by a long shot. My boyfriend, John, was a close friend of his for nearly 20 years, and when George died, John was the one who was really there for me, long after all of our other friends had disappeared. I don't think George would take that as a negative vote at all, but rather that he would be happy for us. We had talked about this very situation long before he ever died, and I had encouraged him to try to find someone if he could, to share life with, because I knew how hard it would be for him to be alone. I never in my wildest dreams could have known that I would have such a hard time with his death, being alone, etc. It has been the hardest thing, by far, that I have ever gone through, and I have been through a lot in my life. I have learned a lot through this process. I remember when a lady across the street lost her husband...two weeks later she moved in with someone else. I knew that she loved her husband deeply, I'd been around them for years, and I couldn't understand her choice of response, but I didn't judge her either, I just figured it must have been very hard for her to face life without her husband. Now I understand a little more, and even though I don't think her choice was the wisest, I think she pushed back the grieving, I still understand. Unfortunately, now the other gentleman has passed away and she is hit doubly hard. I am very sorry for her. If she gets any measure of happiness in life I will be nothing but glad for her.

My grief, as you know, has been greatly compounded by all of the other things I've had to deal with. Had none of that happened, I might have made different choices, I don't know. At any rate, I refuse to let yours or anyone elses responses dampen what I hope for in life and have worked very hard to build. I am only 54...in my family they often live well into their nineties...I can't imagine another 40 years alone. I respect everyone's different choices and wish all of us the best...we all know this is awfully hard for all of us. And no one replaces George...John has created his own new spot in my heart, George's spot is empty and vacant and continues to hurt...but at times I am able to smile at a fond memory, which I am fortunate enough to share with John as he loved him just as I did.

Incidentally, his kids haven't remained in much contact since he died...but then we didn't have a lot of contact beforehand either. George did not raise his kids, their mom did, so that is understandable. I knew him and loved him more than anyone in his life ever did. It was me who wrote to him when he was in prison, me who went through the being ostracized by society because of his felony background, me who gave him hope and life, me that pointed him the way. It was me who was by his side when he joined the church, when he was baptized, me that loved him fully through his life and death, and I will continue to love him through this life and into the next. You are not alone in looking forward to seeing your wife again.

Edited by kayc
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My dear Walt,

I am sorry you found my post so offensive.... we cope with things differently, and also that we don't all travel down exactly the same road. We lost our spouses about the same time, and yet our situations were not exactly the same. ... I was married to him exactly 3 years and 8 months...not 50 years. Regardless, I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my whole life and will never have what I had with him again. I refuse to let yours or anyone elses responses dampen what I hope for in life and have worked very hard to build. I respect everyone's different choices and wish all of us the best...we all know this is awfully hard for all of us. And no one replaces George... and I will continue to love him through this life and into the next. You are not alone in looking forward to seeing your wife again.

Kay - I did not find your post in any way to be offensive! It was undoubtedly positive and inspiring as are most, if not all of your posts.

I meant to write that I was sorry to see that someone whom I know that you loved SO very much seemed to be fading just a little into your past. I guess I am just a bit frightened that might someday happen to my Jeannie. But, as you point out, we travel different roads and have different pasts. I am older, but not wiser. I was happily married for over 40 years - not long enough for me.

However, as I wrote earlier, I do wish you well in the future and I hope that you and John have a healthy and prosperous New Year in 2007. I know that you have been an inspiration to many who read your postings.

I apologize if my posting has upset you. :(

You are absolutely right to refuse to allow me, or anyone else to dampen your hopes and positive outlook.

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George will never fade in any way, you'd have to know him to understand that. He was larger than life, with more personality and more love and caring than anyone I have ever met. He was a very special spirit...he was also very messed up, but even so, I loved him and will continue to love him forever. That is what was so special about our relationship, we always understood each other and had faith in each other, no matter what. Our relationship was very special, more than anyone else could imagine. I have to continue on in this life without him here to talk to, to hold...but fade, he never will or could.

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