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How Long Is Long Is Enough When Dealing With Grief


STARKISS

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Hi All,

I had a very good question asked of me today, My brother-in-law was mentioning to me that he noticed this website on the computer still and asked if it was normal to still be grieving after a year... I just said you grieve as long as it takes... But I really do not know any answer for that question... I know I have been grieving which seems a life time and wondering if it is too long to be doing that.... Please help if you can thanks Shelley

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Shelley,

Grieving depends on each person, don't feel as if you shouldn't be grieving any longer, there's nothing wrong to be grieving for about a year, in fact, I think that's yet not enough time to heal, in my humble opinion. I've been grieving for six month now, and people say "Stop living in the past" or "get over it", but if I look some months ago when I had just a month since my dear passed away I would hear those same comments. I guess people around have no patience for this long process, so don't worry if people tell you it's enough time by now, you will listen to it every now and then. Give yourself the time YOU need, not what books might tell, or others think, we all have our own timing.

Blessings,

Gaby

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Shelley,

Find some articles (there are plenty on this site) that explain that grief has no time table and get him to read it, if you can. That should shut him up, I hope! I get so mad at people who have no heart, no sensitivity, and usually have not been in our positions telling us we are "wrong", that we should be better by now! Just take care of yourself and grieve for as long as you need, Shelley.

hugs,

Shell

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Hi Gabrielle_land,

Thank you for your reply, It has been longer than a year for me it actually will be two years on April 18th, and two years for dad on August 25th... Maybe because I am trying to grieve them both at the same time it is taking longer than if one were doing just one death at a time... Thanks again Shelley

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your kindness in the way you replied to my post, as I said to gabrielle_land it will be the two year anniversaries of their deaths coming up for me.... Take care and Thanks again Shelley

Hi Lorikelly,

Thank you also for your kindness, without people like yourself I do not think I would have made it this far... Take care and Thanks again Shelley

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My husband is my Rock. He gave me this letter he wrote to me the week my sister died. He lost his father 17 years ago and his Grandmother in the spring of 2006. Yet even with his great understanding, I hold back.

On Losing a Loved One

It's a hard thing.

And it hurts.

It hurts really bad.

It is the kind of hurt that feels like it will never go away.

In fact, I don't think it ever does really go away.

The hurt occupies a small place in your heart and becomes a permanent

part of your life.

At first, the hurt is there almost every minute and every hour.

And then one day, it retreats to it's room for a short while.

The days of your life begin to move forward again.

The hurt still lives there and it comes out at the oddest times.

A picture, a song, even the words of Sponge Bob can bring it out.

Moments which have no understandable relevance can stab through your

heart and bring a tear to your eye. And it hurts.

I do not welcome these moments,

But I have come to believe that the pain is not always a bad thing.

They say that time heals all wounds.

I have found that seventeen years is not enough time.

Perhaps there is not enough time in the world to heal some wounds.

But with the hurt comes remembrance.

And with remembrance comes memories of love and joy and companionship.

Memories of a loved one that is sorely missed but never forgotten.

A loved one that now has a permanent place in your heart.

-RLW-

Janine

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Hi Janine,

Thank you so very much for sharing such a special letter with me, i just need to know that I am not crazy because I am still grieving and it will be two years in April and two years in August.... Mom died in April 2005 and Dad died in August 2005... Take care and Thanks again You made my day a little brighter Shelley

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Well, all I can say is that when my ex-husband died, a man I deeply cared about but had been divorced from (because he was gay) for 20 years, I cried for two years. Every single day of those two years, I cried. Now it's more than 2 1/2 years, and I cry about every other day. The other days, I cry for my father, who died a month ago.

This may sound odd, but I saw this episode of Monk, that TV show about the OCD detective. It was a rerun I had never seen. The police captain tells Monk it's seven years since Monk's wife died, and he should let go of it and move on. Monk says he can't, and the captain clearly thinks there's something wrong with him.

Then, the police captain's wife is almost killed. He goes crazy with anger and fear. At the end, his wife survives, but he tells Monk he is sorry -- he gets it now. He knows if his wife had died, he would NEVER have gotten over it.

It's so unusual for a TV show to admit this. I was really pleased. You DON'T get over it. You learn to live with it. This loss is part of your life now, and what time does is weave it into the tapestry of your life. You learn to live again, to find joy again, to engage with life again. But that loss, that grief, is forever part of you. Not every single moment any more. But you never, never forget your loved one -- why would you want to? Slowly, almost so you don't notice, the pain changes and softens, and you can live with it. But it doesn't leave you.

Ann

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Janine,

If we could all have such understanding husbands, we'd be blessed! Thanks for sharing.

Ann,

What you said is so true and you said it so well. I think instead of all of us trying to "move on", we need to realize this pain will always be there and just try to learn to live with it. Maybe the notion of "moving on" is the wrong phrase. I think it all boils down to coping with lifes bad side.

Hugs,

Shell

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Hi Shell,

You are so right, I think people need to consider the pain like a bunch of lemons and when you have lemons you can make lemonade... In other words we need to take the bad and make a good thing come out of it some way... I know I need to try harder to think more positive and that I need to realize that I have memories of them that no one can make me forget them.... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

Well put. I finally realized that I was going to be in pain over all my losses for the rest of my life. I was also, unfortunately, going to have more losses and pain down the road. Now, I can learn to live with this pain, but try to be as happy as possible, or I can die. It kind of came down to that in my mind. I have my mother and my kitty babies to take care of, so I can't die. I try to be as positive as possible, and believe me, I have my meltdowns where I cry for hours. But I'm finding small ways to put happiness in my life. This is just my philosophy that I have developed through all the grief.

I see good changes in you, Shelley, so keep plugging away. You're going to make it!

Big hugs,

Shell

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Hi Shell,

It is because of this website that I am doing better... I read posts here and it makes me think about what pain I am feeling and trying to fix what it is I can and living through what pain I can not... Take care Shelley

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It is 8 months today for my MOM and I am still as numb today as I was 8 months ago so I agree there is no time frame and if someone says there is than they have no idea about love and feelings because we as people can not turn off emotions and I do not want to. Just because they are not here with us does not mean they are not with us and we have to stop feeling for them, I have no idea of stopping.

I have encountered some weird feelings lately like going back to the church where we had the service and I lost it I cried the hole hour non stop nat a dry moment from the very first step i took in the church until I left down the street. Weird huh I know but I could not stop I tried but could not stop I was with my sister and she was fine but I lost it. I still can not talk about my MOM out in the open I claim up and thats that with me I am still in the numb mode.

Thanks

Haley

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Hi Hayley,

What you did was perfectly normal for you at your spot on your grief journey... It has been almost two years that I lost my mom and I still have moments where I just start to cry... So do not be to upset with yourself... Take care Shelley

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